I will never work with dvds again, I swear. All Buttercream Gang posts are hereby suspended till I can find a dvd drive that actually WORKS. My dinosaur of a macbook has kicked the bucket on that regard, and my new frisbee Macbook Air does not, of course, have a dvd drive.
It could be a while. A LONG while.
I don’t know when I’ll GET a dvd drive. It could be a long time. So, in the meantime, I’m going to start on what I wanted to work on after I was done with Buttercreamers.
How many of you remember the show McGee and Me? Well you’re about to go on a trip down memory lane. Or not, in which case, lucky you.
Update on Buttercream Gang Secret of Treasure Mountain: The DVD arrived today. I will be reviewing it… soon. I hope. For now, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time…
Callie W, this post is for you. See, when Callie found out I was doing these posts, she was all, “oh man, you GOTTA do bible man!”
Me: Bible Man?
Callie: yeah, on Sabbath I could either watch that or Veggie Tales. Most of the time it was Veggie Tales, but occasionally I would get tired of that and watch Bible man. Then I’d remember why I never watched Bible Man and went back to watching VeggieTales. Here, I’ll send you the videos.
Me: Ok, uh, wait, REAL videos? As in, big bulky things with tape inside that spins around on wheels?
Me: are you also sending the VCR?
So, that didn’t happen. Fortunately, Youtube to the rescue! The link she gave me was the song Prince of Pride. It was a long 4 to 5 minute song and I laughed my head off the whole time. And I was completely and utterly sober. And then I knew she was right; I needed to do Bible Man.
I said some things to her when I was inebriated, so I doubt she’ll ever speak to me again, but Callie W, this post is for you.
Closed captioning what…. YOUTUBE HAS SUBTITLES! I am saved. We open with a man in a black coat and hat standing in the rain.
Except oh God… instead of “Wealth, status, success,” Youtube has translated that to “Well stabbing success.” Sooo maybe these subtitles aren’t going to help much. Anyway, if the screenshots look a tad ridiculous, blame youtube.
Anyway, the man in the rain is apparently a man who’s name I didn’t catch, who has wealth, status, and success. He does not do well at stabbing people. Or does he?
Anyway, despite the wealth and success this man had, there was something missing. We are then shown the main in the rain screaming, opening a brief case, and emptying it of its contents. No, the contents are not money, they’re papers. The man screams like he is dying as he does this, then he falls to the ground.
His name is Miles. I didn’t catch the last name. Youtube says it’s “Markers,” but I don’t believe it. I think I have to turn off the “subtitles” or I’ll be laughing all night.
As he is down on the ground screaming, he digs through the dirt with his hands and finds a bible. Because people go around burying random bibles, I guess? Like seriously where did THAT come from?
Anyway, Miles Peterson (not Marker, apparently) “suddenly has a burning desire to know Jesus–”
Whacks inner 12 year old with a hammer.
So anyway, Miles pledged to fight evil (not people, YouTube subtitles) in the name of God as…. BIBLEMAN!
Lots of cheesy 80s graphics flash across the scene, including lightening, crossed light sabers, and a bible cross
Aaaand I think this is the Bibleman theme song?
Google couldn’t find the lyrics, and I don’t feel like listening to it a zillion times to type them out myself. I will say that it was not so intolerable I couldn’t listen to it, like some Donut songs have been.
Scene changes. We’re at a church. the pastor (I think?) is discussing community outreach. This year for the community outreach they will be featuring a performing arts team.
The pastor keeps talking, but then lightening strobes, and I get a headache, because strobe lights don’t agree with me, which is a very small reason I’m not at a 4 story haunted house tonight. (The main reason is my bum knee. I can’t handle that much walking/running, and I’m pretty sure they don’t allow wheelchairs.)
We’re shown a close up of the heating vent, and strobe lights, and then shown to… what? A secret underground lab?
I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it. We are then shown a brick wall as ominous music plays. Ummmm ok?
Back at the church, people are clapping. The pastor announces that the drama team is going to do a preview by dancing to the song The Armor of God. I’ve never heard of this song before, so I’m interested.
Ugh. My knee hurts. I hope I remember where I put my icyhot
Bibleman found it for me.
In the secret underground lab, green goo falls to the floor. We hear noise, which Y-tube translates as “one mom.” SNORT. I could laugh at this all day. Seriously though, I wish for REAL subtitles.
On stage, we are shown the drama team. The first shot is behind peoples’ heads. Seriously, videographers?
Shots of the drama team are interspersed with green goo leaking in the basement. Ugh. I wish they’d just let us watch the drama team, they’re more interesting. THEN maybe show us the green goo.
I want popcorn. I do not have popcorn. My knee hurts too much to walk to the store. rawr.
A brick falls out in the room downstairs. Upstairs, the drama team is still dancing to the song. Downstairs, a voice says, “so sure of themselves in their own little world.”
At least, I think that’s what they’re saying. Youtube says they’re saying, “killed.”
Shadow(continuing): time for a wake up call folks. Bibleman won’t always have the answers. say hello to
a man comes into the underground lab scene. “Excuse me mr. shadow,” she says. He then moves an item across the floor. Youtube translates the shuffling sounds as “you don’t really need it.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA ahem.
Oh wait, that’s not youtube, that person is really saying that: “Excuse me, Mr. Shadow, you don’t really need that wall because those bricks, they aren’t real. so you could probably just walk around.”
Mr. Shadow: I know that! I do it for effect. to be more scary.
Well, at least Shadow puts effort into his work.
The scene changes. Sirens are blaring, red and blue. ATTENTION BIBLEMAN blares over the alarms. My head hurts listening to it.
Youtube translates this as “tension, tension!” which sorry, there is none of that in this movie.
We are shown ancient computers that look like old pacman games, and Bibleman and his side kick “coats” are at them. Apparently his password is John 3:16, TOTALLY something I’d never guess if I was trying to break into Bibleman’s computer.
Coats announces he has a vector lock on the transmission, whatever that means. These computers are the kind you talk to, which reminds me of what the 1980s people thought futuristic computers would be like. Remember the Star Trek movie?
“Ah, a keyboard! How quaint.”
The computer’s name is Eunice and she sounds CREEPY.
Coats wishes the computer would talk to him, and after being denied, he calls the computer an “overgrown gigapet”
And btw, John 3:16 is NOT the magic word. Everyone knows the magic word is “please.” I wrote that in my notes, and the computer doesn’t end up telling us that until much later.
Finally the message shows up on the screen.
“Bibleman,” the man on screen begins, “something’s very wrong here. some of our church members are acting…. strange.
I’m most concerned about a young girl named Kyla. Lately Kyla’s parents have been struggling with arguing. Please come right away. one last thing: We keep finding these.
He holds up an object, but the quality of this recording makes it hard to tell. Looks like a chocolate bar to me.
Struggling with arguing? What an odd phrasing. I’ve never heard anyone say that before. I’ve heard them say “struggling with anger” or “struggling in their marriage,” but “struggling with arguing?” Like the solution to these problems are that the parents just… stop arguing. Right. That would solve everything, wouldn’t it.
After the transmission, Coats asks Bibleman “what do you think?”
Bibleman says he doesn’t know, but he’s never seen pastor Rex so disturbed before.
Really? Cause this is not the most disturbing thing a pastor has ever seen. Juuuuuust sayin’. Unless, maybe, it is their first time ever being in the position of a pastor?
Moving along from that obvious inconsistency,
Bibleman tells Coats to ready the chamber, because it’s time for “Bibleman.” Coats turns to the computer and asks what the magic word is.
Eunice: Please, of course.
I think Eunice is my favorite character, not that that’s saying much.
Anyway, we never learn what “ready the chambers” means, because the next scene is of the pastor pointing out Kyla to Bibleman, who looks like Batman went to India on color day.
Boy, she looks depressed. Maybe she should see a child psychiatrist. Though it sounds like her parents need that more than she does.
Bibleman: Well, I can’t say I’d blame her. There’s nothing harder or sadder than watching your parents argue.
As hard and sad as it was for me to watch mine argue, I can think of at least 5 things off the top of my head that are both harder AND sadder.
But I digress.
Bibleman(to Kyla): They say that misery loves company, so, can I join you?
Bibleman: that was supposed to be a joke
Kyla: (sarcastically) Ha Ha
Bibleman: Romans 12:16 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
Wait, the bible really says that? Because I’ve had it preached to me all my life that when someone is unhappy, it is your job to make them joyful again. Many on Planet Adventist don’t know how to empathize.
Yanno, I have no idea if this man is a Christian, but he’s like, happy all the time. And then one day he asked me why I didn’t look so happy and I told him I had to fly the next day and was practically shitting myself. His tone changed immediately. He was serious and sympathetic as he talked to me about how he had the same problem too, and that he would give me a nice book on the subject that helped him, and he hoped it would help me too. He didn’t exactly weep with me, but he lost the outward happy happy joy joy persona, because he knew it wasn’t appropriate for the topic of conversation.
So I am very surprised to learn the bible even says such a thing. Huh. I learned my one new thing every day.
Bibleman: do you want to talk about it?
Kyla: That’s nice of you Bibleman. It won’t do any good. I doubt my parents will ever change
So, without being introduced, she knows who Bibleman is. She doesn’t run away from the batman like character screaming, or even ask who he is. In this universe, is Bibleman a well known character?
Bibleman: Kyla you’ve been a Christian long enough to know that talking to me might not stop your parents from arguing, But talking to God, now that’s different.
This, folks, is totally the face of a man I’d trust to talk to about my family problems. NOT.
Kyla: All I know is that I’ve been praying and praying and nothing has changed. And then today it all became clear. It feels like God doesn’t even care.
I read in one of the Youtube reviews of this show that that trick only works if the string is tight, but I digress, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t done that trick since I was a little kid.
Bibleman: Now Kyla, Ephesians something something says God loves us very much
Kyla: I know that’s what I’m supposed to believe Bibleman, but I’m not sure anymore.
Shadow: This is delightfully doubtful
Bibleman: Trust in the Lord, Kyla, God has a plan for you and your parnets and he won’t let you down. Now, you said today it all became clear. How?
Well, after thinking about it, I came to the logical conclusion that God doesn’t care.
Silly me, of course, no one who EVER uses logic could come to THAT conclusion. eyeroll.
Kyla: It just came to me. I was down in the church basement looking for some….
Youtube translates this as pain, but I can’t make out the real word myself. I highly doubt a little girl was looking around for pain, but, sure, we’ll go with that.
Kyla: And then I found this box
Kyla: And I hadn’t seen anything like it before so I opened it. And then it all just became clear. And I figured God probably had better things to worry about.
She takes back the box. First off, that box doesn’t look like anything special tome. Second, it had to be a box, didn’t it? A box is causing all the doubt, not, I don’t know, actual rational thinking. Or even irrational thinking, if that’s how you see it. Kyla is going through some tough stuff here. It doesn’t take a special object in order to cause a little girl to put two and two together and realize that, since God isn’t helping her, he must not care about her. You Christians are free to interpret the lack of intervention any way you like, but even the most conservatives would agree that it doesn’t take a box to cause doubt.
Kinda reminds me of the show Warehouse 13.
Arty: “Pete, Micah, we got a ping.”
Pete and Micah: A ping?
Arty: There’s a box over in New Jersey that’s causing people to doubt their faith in God. I want you to snag it, bag it, and tag it.
Pete and Micah: That doesn’t sound like particularly terrible thing.
Arty: All artifacts have a downside, now get going!
Back to Bibleman, who has apparently discovered an artifact. He needs to call Pete and Micah to throw it in a bag of purple goo ASAP.
Bibleman: Well that’s just not true. Jesus loves you and your parents more than you will ever know.
Boy, he always manages to look so…. angry in this scene. It’s possibly not intentional but I still find it creepy as hell.
Kyla: I gotta go. thanks anyway.
Run Kyla! Run away from the weird man in the costume!
Youtube translates: Thanks anyway as “thanks Amy.” I might start calling Bibleman Amy now, snicker snicker.
Bibleman gets permission from the pastor to take a look around the church basement. When pastor Rex asks if there’s anything he can do for Kyla, the response is, “you can pray for her.”
Don’t most pastors have basic 101 counseling skills? Maybe he should be the one to go talk to Kyla since he probably knows her a jillion times better than Bibleman does?
There’s a brief argument between Shadow and Ludicrous about whether or not Shadow should turn himself into a hologram. I’m with Ludicrous, it’s a great idea. Villians of the 1980s just had no imagination. Shadow tells Ludicrous to put the box over there “where I told you to.” And that’s how we know he’s a villain; because he can’t get off his ass and do it himself.
Bibleman immediately grabs his light saber and flicks it on. No, I’m not kidding, there really are light sabers in this movie. I’m surprised there aren’t copyright issues.
Seeing no one there, Bibleman sheeths his lightsaber and moves toward the box. We hear Shadow singing softly from the….er, shadows:
Now the scripture shouter
will become a scripture doubter
in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaysment
Which is a lot different from what Youtube thinks he’s saying…
Speech you Pecans should
Which I think is more interesting even if it makes no sense.
Bibleman picks up the box and, stupidly, opens it.
Shadow: (still singing)
What a silly picture
when he loses trust in scripture
Where your faaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyth went haha
I’m sure we’re all supposed to be screaming “don’t open that box!” at the TV, but…. frankly, I don’t care?
Bibleman opens the box. A green glow spins around his head
Shadow jumps out and says, “surprise, Bible oom.”
Youtube tells me he said “surprise bedroom” but I doubt it.
Bibleman(turning on his light saber): I never was one for surprises. Especially from those with bad teeth.
Bibleman: you really should floss you know.
Youtube closed captioning: Should flash you
Ow. Oh ow. No one told me it HURT when you squirted vodka out your nose because you laughed so hard. Oow !!!!
Shadow: The bible says to be careful when entertaining strangers for you might end up entertaining angels unawares
Bibleman: Yes but fallen angels are hardly entertaining
Youtube closed captioning: yes but fallen angels party in 18, are you sure about that?
Clearly I should not drink anything while doing this.
Also, I almost think fallen angels would be more entertaining… Just sayin’.
More Jedi lightsaber fighting.
It turns out Shadow agrees with me. “Are you sure about that, Bibleman?” He says, breathing green glowy stuff onto Bibleman.
Bibleman: I believe in God and the bible with all my heart. And now, a word from my sponsor
Youtube: A word from my spots.
No, the video doesn’t go into commercial break. Just more light saber fighting. The Jedi did it better.
Shadow: One day your scripture will do you no good
Me: that day has come and gone
Youtube closed captioning: Monday instruction will do you no good.
Guess I’d better avoid taking instructions on Monday, then.
Bibleman falls down. Shadow says something I agree with: Goodbye, farewell. Parting is such a…. pain in the neck.
Because sweet sorrow my ass!
Meanwhile back at the secret underground lab that is neither secret nor underground, Eunice can’t figure out what the heck the box is made of. Surprise surprise.
Coats: Miles, you’ve been working on this very hard for quite a long time. Maybe you should give it some time, take a rest.
Bibleman: Alright Eunice, let’s start from the top. Run the battle scenes again and compare them with my digital testimony.
Whatever that means.
Coats: Miles, MILES! You have GOT to rest. We all need rest.
Miles: you weren’t there Coats, you didn’t experience what I went through.
Coats: I know I wasn’t there but I’m your friend and I AM worried about you.
Miles: Kyla is in trouble and I have to help
They continue to argue like that for a while. I wish Coats would use rational arguments. Here are the completely rational arguments I would use:
1. In EMT school we were taught YOU come first. Because if something happens to you, guess how much help you are to the patient? Miles would be A LOT more help to Kyla if he took a rest.
2. Actually, he’d be MORE help to Kyla if he got some rest, because our brains don’t think very clearly when we are exhausted.
3. The bible says our body is the temple of God. If we don’t take care of our temple, how can we expect God to be able to speak to us?
Finally, practically kicking and screaming (mentally, at least) he decides to tell Eunice to shut down for the night. Eunice says “access denied. You didn’t say the magic word.”
Bibleman and Coats together, both sounding annoyed: Please.
Scene change. The next morning at pastor Rex’s church, we see Kyla on the stage coloring a poster. The images become blurred as she remembers. Kyla’s parents had a really big argument last night. We’re not shown what they were arguing about. I’m going to guess it was about crunchy vs smooth peanut butter. Kyla leaves the house as her parents argue, sits down on the doorstep, and sobs.
Back in the present, Bibleman comes up and says hi to her. Kyla jumps up.
Kyla(continuing) You said everything would be alright! Well it’s not, it’s worse!
She’s shouting now, and everyone has stopped what they are doing to watch her argue with Bibleman. Poor kid.
Kyla: Where was God last night? My parents fought all night.
We’re shown a shot of The Shadow of Doubt filing his nails, so I don’t hear all of what Kyla is saying. When we finally get back to hear she’s still shouting.
Kyla: …..don’t love me! You don’t love how I feel! Nobody does not even God!
Bibleman tries to say something, but the green glow comes around his head.
Bibleman: God must care, he must, the bible says–
Kyla: You’re not even sure!
And with that, Kyla runs away. Too bad she won’t be doing that for the rest of the movie. The other kids look on, and I can’t tell if they’re disappointed in Bibleman, or upset at them for upsetting their friend like that.
Shadow(still filing his nails): Oh Bibleman, you’re just too easy!
That’s… actually what I was thinking. It’s almost no fun to snark on this because it’s just so OBVIOUSLY bad I feel like I’m shooting ducks in a barrel. I almost feel…. guilty.
Shadow(continues): One more dose of my doubt toxins and Bibleman will be begging me for mercy.
And now it’s time for Shadow’s song! Callie told me that every villain in this series had its own song. I can’t get the lyrics, and apparently the one on youtube isn’t the real song, but the visuals with a different song dubbed over it. I hate it when they do that. So I won’t be posting the song.
This song is full of cheesy 80s corny graphics, and I can’t hear the lyrics, so I can’t tell if it’s as bad as it looks. I’m told the villains had awesome songs, though. I don’t know man, that Prince of Pride one was even worse than a lot of the Donut Repair Club songs.
After that, we see Bibleman barging into the basement. The shadow of doubt is waiting for him.
Shadow of Doubt: Hi, how may I help you? Today’s special is….
Oh I can’t make it out and it’s not important anyway because BIbleman almost immediately starts fighting. Light sabers clash.
Bibleman: 2 Timothy 2:19 God’s word is a rock foundation…
Or something, I didn’t catch it all due to hearing problems. Here is the relevant verse, from the (super evil, in some people’s opinion) NIV:
[quote]Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”[/quote]
Bibleman: And that means YOU
More light saber fighting.
Shadow: Missed me missed me now you gotta…. nevermind.
Funniest. Line. In the whole episode.
More fighting. Shadow brings out his acme instant minions (Just add Evil!) he never leaves Hades without them.
More fighting. I’m not really into fight scenes, but there’s not much to describe about this one anyway except that THE JEDI DID IT BETTER.
I blinked, what happened? Bibleman is alone in the room. He kneels down and prays. “Lord, forgive me. What’s happened to me?”
First off, Bibleman doesn’t need to apologized. He’s been whammied by an artifact, meaning he’s not totally in control of his beliefs and thoughts right now. It’s happened to each member of the Warehouse 13 team at least once, and when it happens, they understand that the person who’s been affected by the artifact isn’t responsible for their actions. Why, then, is Bibleman somehow responsible for his own doubt when it is in fact a chemical that caused it? That has been established in the narrative.
Bibleman has nothing to apologize for, and any good god would recognize that.
Coats: I’ve made a breakthrough miles
Miles: I’m not sure it matters anymore coats
Coats: Come on Miles, you’ve faced tougher battles than this.
Miles: I know. It’s not the battles. It’s me.
Miles: I know God will never let me down but lately, I’ve been doubting
I’m going to interject here with a quote my (secular) Spanish teacher (at a secular college) told us:
Faith which does not doubt is dead faith.—Miguel de Unamuno
For you see, my Spanish teacher explained, Faith that doesn’t doubt, doesn’t question, or anything like that… it doesn’t grow. It just stays stagnant. And pretty soon, you begin to stop having faith at all. Doubt is not a bad thing. Doubt is not the enemy. You see, doubt causes us to seek for answers, and to search out the truth. It causes us to make breakthroughs in science, and even in the faith. Because doubt causes us to seek out answers constantly, and that refreshes our faith constantly in our mind. And because of healed doubts, our faith can be made stronger.
Doubt is not the enemy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that doubt is our friend.
Unfortunately no one in this cheesy 80s movie agrees with me.
/my preaching, back to Bibleman.
Coats: Maybe you and Kyla are suffering from the same thing
Me: yeah, they’ve both been whammied by an artifact. They need to call the Warehouse for some purple goo STAT.
Bibleman: in my mind I know all the right scriptures, I just don’t FEEL like they’re real. one things for certain whoever this is they’ve affected my ability to reason
Coats: Interesting. You know, that definitely fits in with what I’ve learned about that little box he uses.
Coats goes to the computer, which obeys without him sayling please.
Bibleman: That’s great Coats, but I’ve gotten past this level.
Soooo it’s a video game? I is CORNFUSED.
Oh, that was the wrong thing.
Basically, the box is covered with trace elements that are harmless unless inhaled, and then they work by intensifying the victim’s emotions.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but if that’s the case, wouldn’t it only work on people who were already doubting?
Bibleman: Coats, that’s it! What’s the one factor that Kyla and I have in common?
Coats: Your both short
Me: Fuck you coats! short people will RULE THE PLANET.
Bibleman: Besides that….. Kyla felt God didn’t care about her, and in my struggles, I didn’t feel the scriptures were true even though I knew them.
Coats: feelings, you were concentrating on your feelings
Bibleman: Eunice, initialize Bibleman study tapes and concordance
Bibleman: Coats, Bible quiz, which proverb tells us not to trust our feelings?
Coats: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I’d like to point out that this just…. argh. See, Christianity tells you to distrust your feelings. However, I’ve found that my feelings are my safe guide. Example. Sometimes I’ve been in situations and I feel like… like I’m in danger. Those feelings, and listening to those feelings, have protected me more than once. So I feel like anything that tells you not to trust your feelings is… sinister.
Especially since it is used to brainwash others into Christianity: don’t trust your feelings, children, if you feel like perhaps something is not right here, it’s just the devil trying to get you and you must pray more!
This is particularly true if the child feels like maybe the way Uncle Loowie is touching them isn’t quite right, but they mustn’t trust their feelings. Because Jesus is telling them to submit to authority.
I REALLY hate this whole “don’t trust your feelings” bullshit. I got quite a bit of it growing up in Seventh Day Assholism and I’m sick of it. So in any case.
Bibleman: ready the chamber, Coats, it’s time for Bibleman
No, we still don’t get to know what “ready the chamber” means.
Bibleman: First, we’re gonna go help Kyla. Then we’re going to teach that Shadow a bible lesson
Bibleman: Not unless you want me to have all the fun.
Is that… a slide projector coats is holding?
It’s community outreach night at Pastor Rex’s Church. The drama team’s encore performance is, “once again,” the armor of God. Does this drama team not know any other songs? And, more importantly, do we ever get to see the whole performance? The answer to the last question, dear readers, was no. Which almost makes it seem like the whole plot point is irrelevant and should have been left out.
Bibleman enters the church and finds Kyla sitting all alone, sans parents.
Kyla: I had a feeling you’d be here
To his credit, Bibleman doesn’t immediately start in on how bad feelings are. Instead he tells Kyla her feelings must be very strong right now. It can feel very scary when your parents argue.
Oh god yes. Divorce is frowned on on Planet Adventist as being bad for children, but I am not the only one who wished all through childhood that my parents WOULD divorce, but because we felt divorce would be healthier than constantly listening to our parents argue and scream at each other or worse, at me.
I especially wished my parents had divorced when it came time for college, because then I would be able to pick the poorer parent to live with and claimed them on fafsa and possible been able to actually get enough help to GO to college.
Kyla: It feels like they don’t love each other anymore.
And perhaps they don’t. Perhaps separation would be in their best interest. But either way, Kyla, they both love YOU.
And now is the time for Bibleman to tell Kyla that we shouldn’t trust our feelings. Anytime our feelings tell us not to believe in God, they are just trying to trick us… God may allow things to happen but will always see us through… yawn. Bibleman has Kyla promise him she’ll hold on to Hebrews 13:5, and then says “now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a rather sarcastic appointment to keep.”
Bibleman heads down to the basement. He and Shadow fight, while Coats aims his… projector thingy at the minions. Ludicrous eats a banana, and explains that the bad guys didn’t really need all that smoke, they just did it cuz it looks cool.
Shadow: your doubt will be the end of you bibleman
Lots of lightsaber fighting… Bibleman wins. Darn.
Shadow: You’ll never get rid of me, Bibleman, as long as I’m around, there’lll always be doubt.
Coats shoots Shadow with his projector thing.
Coats and Bibleman together: But when in doubt, wipe it out.
Scene change. Alarms blare, as Eunice shouts ATTENTION BIBLEMAN loud enough and long enough to give children everywhere a headache.
There’s a transmission, apparently, and there’s a lot of “localizing transmission vector” and stuff that goes on for a full five seconds (Eunice must be one slow computer if it takes 5 whole seconds to get a message.) The message is from pastor Rex, saying he just got back from a counseling appointment with Kyla and her family and “they’ll be a happy family, with God’s help.”
Hang on, isn’t that illegal? My counselor friend told me it was illegal for her to even confirm to me that my other friends had been coming to see her too. Shouldn’t it be illegal for you to say you are counseling Kyla and her family? He gets one point for not saying anything beyond “they’ve got some problems to iron out but with God’s help they’ll soon be a happy family.” But I still think it’s a HIPPA violation.
Bibleman and Coats are happy. Coats tries to shut down Eunice, but has already forgotten to say please.
Afterward, Bibleman breaks the 4th wall (I hate it when they do that) and addresses the audience:
Bibleman: hi kids. sometimes it may feel like God doesn’t hear our prayers, but the bible promises he loves us… Jesus will always be with us… if you feel like you’re far away from God you should tell your parents or your pastor. And remember, only Jesus is the true superhero. So long.
I might or might not do more Bibleman in the future. For now we’re moving on to The Buttercream Gang: Revenge of Elton! I also plan to post a chapter of Real Marraige, by Mark Driscoll, once a week, but as I ahve a life outside of blogging AND crippling depression, don’t count on having it once a week.
And now, I’ve worked hard all day, not just on this but on other things, and I deserve to go watch something I LIKE. Like Warehouse 13, Fringe, or The Dome.