This Christmas, I spent with my grandma and family. I ended up talking with my aunt… let’s call her “Aunt Charlotte.” In any case, I talked with Aunt Charlotte about the things I wished I could have talked with dear departed Aunt B about more: Adventism.
“Yeah,” said Charlotte. “You got more exposure than all of us did.”
Charlotte nodded. “My sisters and I, we all went to the Adventist school for all 12 grades, but none of us went to boarding school. And of course none of your cousins did either, so, out of all the members of this family, you probably got it the worst.”
Well. That was….news. At least on my mother’s side of the family, I was the most brainwashed. Fun. I really was alone in all of this.
“I mean, your freshman year of high school, you really scared us.”
I smiled. “I was happier, then.”
“Really? You were happier when you were in it?”
“Oh yes. I was a brainwashed Adventist automaton and I was happy.”
Was I? Well, yes. And no. And yes.
Originally, this post was 8 paragraphs long. I have deleted them. I will not be posting them. Because after all this time, here is the conclusion that I have come to:
It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter whether or not I was happier as a brainwashed Adventist who believed everything wholeheartedly and threw herself into her religion. It doesn’t matter because I can never go back to being a brainwashed Adventist who believes everything wholeheartedly and throws herself into her religion. I have read too much. I have seen too much. I know too much. And because of that knowledge, the door to Adventism is closed to me forever.
And Adventists know that. I’m sure a lot of Adventists have good intentions and really do think they would welcome me back with open arms. However, most of those Adventists would know. They would know that I have read too much, that I have seen too much, that I know too much.
And really, it is this knowing on their part that would be my undoing. They would never fully accept me as one of their own, because they know that I know.
Happy new year everyone. It doesn’t matter.