The Richest Caveman Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Star For A Day

The Drinking Game (So Far):

1. I agree with something Doug says

2. Doug tells an outrageous story that sounds incredibly unrealistic

3. When the timeline jumps around in ways that don’t make sense

4. Doug runs away from home

5. Doug gets dragged back or comes back of his own accord

6. Doug (thinks he’s) messing with the occult.

7. Doug shoehorns in paragraphs of theological stuff



Doug trots to town for his monthly phone call with his mom, who told him that she had lunch with a CBS representative, who wanted to do a human interest story on why a millionaire’s son would be living in a cave. Doug thinks it’s exciting to be on TV, and asks when they plan on coming. His mom doesn’t know, and says to call her back tomorrow.

The same thing happens the next day. And the next day. And the next….

Doug lives quite a ways out of town and is tired of making the hike every day, so his mother gives up and calls the rival television network, NBC.

As luck has it, CBS and NBC show up the same day and squabble over who gets the story. Since NBC got out there pretty much right away, Doug’s mom decides to give them the story instead of CBS. There’s more squabbling, and CBS finally leaves.

Later, I learned that the CBS newsman had brought along a pair of leopard Tarzan shorts to wear, and he planned to make a comedy of the whole thing. God knew all along what he was doing!

Yes. God. It wasn’t at all your mother’s getting fed up with CBS and bringing in a different news crew.

CBS flies Doug, his mom, and the camera crew up the mountain. Doug and the Helicopter pilot actually know each other, as they’ve worked together on search and rescue.

When they were ready to shoot, they gave me some instructions, and began filming. First they had me hiking up the trail with my pack on my back. Then they asked me to build a fire and cook something. They filmed my cave from the inside and out…

“What else do you do besides cook and eat?” The director asked.

“Sometimes I explore, make things, read…sometimes I swim in the pool.”

The director asks for Doug to take a little swim. Doug pauses, saying he usually swims in his birthday suit.

“Oh, that’s no problem.” He [the director] assured me. “My camera crew are professionals. They can get some good shots from far enough away that no one can tell.”

If Doug was a woman, this would be a lie and they’d show his titties on TV anyway, but the director, true to his word, through camera angles, doesn’t show Doug’s bottom half.

After this, the director asks Doug some questions.

“Your father is a multimillionaire, your mom is in show business. You could…be anything you want to be. Why do you want to live like this, away from the comforts of civilization?”

What he’s really asking, of course, is, “Why are you throwing away your future? You could go to a good school, get a degree, and establish yourself in a secure financial environment.” The answer, of course, is that Doug is an idiot.

“I guess I was a coward running away from the discipline of life. I wanted to do my own thing…. I was always getting into trouble. I knew I had an attitude problem. Out here I feel great. I get plenty of sunshine, fresh air, and exercise.”

Alert! Alert! Shameless plug for the health message and parts of NEWSTART, alert! Alert!

Doug then explains how he found a bible in his cave, and gives a little Jesus spiel.

I wonder if whoever put the bible there saw this program and went  “oh hey, that’s who received my bible. I always wondered.”

Probably not. Or at least, Doug doesn’t mention it.

The director tells Doug that this will be on TV at 5, 10, and 11. Doug decides to fly with them down the hill and see himself on TV. He doesn’t actually expect it to be on the 5 o’clock news, but he’d still like to see it eventually. He finally finds a place that will let him sit down and watch TV. First, though, he convinces a friend to see it with him.

I saw Joe, a policeman friend, in front of the hotel.

“Come here, Joe. There’s something I want to show you?”

“What is it? I’m on duty and I don’t have time for this.”

“It won’t take but a moment.” I assured him. “They’re showing a criminal on the 5 o’clock news.”

“Oh yeah? Who?”

“You’ll see.” I said.

We had to watch for a while, and Joe was about to leave, when it came on…. “Oh no,” I groaned. “They told where my cave is.”

Doug is too excited to worry about that right now. I would be livid. He specifically told the director not to give the location of the cave, as he didn’t want visitors.

When he gives his little Jesus spiel at the end of the program, Joe turns to Doug and asks if he is a Christian.

“Trying to be,” I responded.

“I’m glad to hear that!” Joe’s eyes twinkled. “I teach a Sunday School class. Hang in there, Cave Man. You’re on the right track.”

Sigh. Because of course Christianity is going to fix all of Doug’s problems. Why wouldn’t it?

I didn’t know it then, but life for me would never be quite the same.

Yes. Doug has had a taste of fame. Now he must seek more of it. This explains so much, actually.

After the program airs, Doug gets lots of visitors to his cave. He was apprehensive about this at first, but soon found it was a great opportunity to proselytize.

I didn’t need to worry about someone to witness to. My cave had been turned into a tourist attraction. I think God had a reason for letting the TV story report the location of my cave!

Because God is a big douche who has no respect for your personal privacy.

And why does Doug, immediately upon his conversion, feel the need to go tell everybody? That doesn’t usually happen until a lot of guilt tripping by church members is done. He states in the last chapter that no one told him this, so why…

I am beginning to suspect that a lot of this has been edited with Adult!Doug’s perspective added to it.



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