My new year’s resolution was to finish this post by the end of January. Unless January has 31 days, this is it.
It took me so long, because, when I sat down to write it, I realized that I don’t really remember much of last year. Oh I remember the key points, and I’ll get to that in a minute. However… I don’t remember much because half the time I was drunk. Functional, but drunk. Or at least, nicely buzzed.
I don’t believe there is anything wrong with getting nicely buzzed, or even getting drunk. But I think I am doing it way too many times, and that needs to stop.
This is another way Adventism has fucked me up. Seventh Day Adventists don’t really believe very much in grey areas. Well, maybe the adults do in some parts of the world, but growing up, I was told, In SDA school, mind you, that there were 2 ways to approach drinking:
And I was getting bloody tired of abstinence. So I said fuck it and started drinking. And drinking… and drinking. Until one day I woke up and realized It wasn’t fun anymore. The thrill of rebellion had kinda worn off, and I was no longer drinking because I enjoyed it, I was drinking because it was a habit. I was also starting to worry about my health.
But I didn’t and don’t want to quit drinking entirely. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to love booze, and I don’t even think it’s wrong for me to drink a lot of booze. I’m just beginning to think it’s wrong to drink a lot of booze a lot of the time.
And so, I set out on a journey, a journey that doesn’t end in a drunken state of mind, but a journey to find The Grey (Gray?) Area(tm). Where is this gray (grey?) area exactly? What does it look like? (and don’t tell me it looks “gray,” because that’s not funny.)
What exactly is responsible drinking? What does it look like? I can Google for absolute numbers all I want, but I don’t think those numbers really fit me because of my wicked high tolerance for alcohol (thanks, grandpa G, for passing down that gene).
And really, that’s not what I want. I do not want someone to tell me what is the right way to drink alcohol. Because that’s what I did in Christianity. In Christianity I let others tell me what God said was right. (I even tried to listen to “god” myself but that wasn’t working out so well.)
Whatever this gray area looks like between Abstinence and Alcoholism, I need to find it myself. I need to try and see what works for me, not just blindly follow what’s worked for everyone else. I’m done with that sort of life, and I’m done being black and white. That means I will make mistakes along the way, but that’s ok. Mistakes are a part of life, not some sinful calamity to be avoided.
What does responsible drinking look like? I don’t know. Let’s find out.