This was supposed to go up last week. Clearly WordPress is still having issues with the whole posting on a schedule thing. Or maybe I’m just the one having issues figuring out how to work it, who knows?
We last left our Intrepid Heroes tying up The Two Buffoons with…. the laces on ONLY ONE of Jessie’s roller skates. Seriously? Roller skate laces are long enough (and strong enough to hold) 2 really big guys who have 2 really big wrists? Sorry, not buying it.
Buffoon 1: My mother’s going to kill me
Ugh. How old are these guys, 5?
Jessie: Well you shouldn’t ave been chasing little girls!
The 2 buffoons explain that the ancestors made an oath to serve the Amaldamar family forever which, if you were paying attention, not they didn’t, they only made the oath for 7 generations which I would think would have expired already especially since life expectancy was way lower back in the 1500s, plus I wouldn’t expect the oath to actually be adhered to. And it’s pretty amazing that all of their families chose to procreate. I mean, if I was married to someone who swore such an oath, I’d probably make sure I never had any children (that Amaldamar knew of….)
You know what, I’m thinking about this more than the writers clearly did so, moving on.
Margaret thinks it’s terrible, and asks what will happen if they don’t obey Amaldamar.
Buffoon 2: I don’t know
Buffon 1: I don’t know either
Oh for heaven’s sake, is it REALLY that hard to invent a reason when you write the story? Maybe they are afraid Amaldamar will hurt them or their parents (he threatened to kill me/my mother/ my firstborn child) or they are superstitious (the gods will hunt us down and kill us). Seriously, for 7 generations the answer has been, “I don’t know?”
Eldon says they should try doing something good for a change, and really, Eldon doesn’t know that they HAVEN’T done a lot of good and that this is their only screwup. Seriously.
Unfortunately, the buffoons think doing good instead of bad is a novel concept.
Eldon walks away and leaves them, saying he knows they’ll get away but he’s got a good feeling about them, so it’s ok.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the entire police force and EMS of Elkridge! Protecting innocent girls and then setting their pursuers free!
They do tell Mr. Duncan, apparently, because the next morning they are talking about. Mr. Duncan is examining what looks like a twinky with a magnifying glass, as Eli finds buffoon #2’s pants.
Seriously, Mr. Duncan is an adult. HE should know that THE POLICE need to be examining the scene, NOT him. He’s just going to destroy valuable evidence.
Eldon decides it wasn’t just an old farming plot they were trying to steal, and that Amaldamar might have been lying. Mr. Duncan asks why Amaldamar would lie to them. Eli then proves he is smarter than all the adults in this movie put together and multiplied when he says “Power, love, money, the usual.”
As Eldon is accusing Amaldamar of wanting to keep the treasure for himself, Amaldamar enters the room. He says he didn’t send the buffoons, Eldon argues. Amaldamar said the two buffoons acted without his knowledge, that they deceived him. Eldon clearly thinks this is bullshit, but the rest of the people in the room are REALLY REALLY stupid.
Amaldamar: You’re not a very trusting boy, are you Eldon?
Actually, he is, that’s one of his huge problems, IMHO.
Eldon shoots back that trust is something you EARN, and I agree with Eldon, shocker.
Amaldamar says that, since he is here and the buffoons are not, it must mean he’s not guilty, because if he was a thief, wouldn’t he stay very far away?
I don’t think this is logical, and Eldon also looks suspicious.
Amaldamar then tells them the police were satisfied with his story and the evidence. WHAT evidence? The police clearly never examined the scene, and did Amaldamar seriously call the police on the buffoons, who he knows will babble like a brook if interrogated?
Amaldamar then pulls out HIS third of the treasure map, saying it’s been in his family for generations. Ok, he’s had that all this time, and everyone just believes he mistook the piece Eldon found for a farming map? Nope, sorry, I’m not buying it.
We are exactly at the halfway point, yay progress! Isn’t this exciting kids! Treasure maps being stolen by buffoons! Aren’t the buffoons funny!
The kids are amazed that the parts of the map match up. Amaldamar tells us the story of his ancestors which we knew of from the beginning, and telling them he’s spent is entire life searching for the treasure.
Yet before, he claimed he had no idea that the parchment he owned (that is, his third of it) was a treasure map. Yeah, how is anyone with half a brain even being remotely deceived by this? I’m sure if I hadn’t been so drunk the first time I saw it, I would’ve caught that myself.
Amaldamar admits it is a treasure map. Eldon then puts 5 and 9 together and realizes that the buffoons would’ve tried to steal BOTH pieces if they hadn’t really been acting on Amaldamars orders.
Amaldarmar tells Eldon he’s very clever, but that the buffoons aren’t. And anyway, there’s another piece missing since the map was torn in 3.
So of course the Butterboys all decide to go search for treasure. Emphasis on BOYS, because when Margaret and Jessie show up at the treehouse to sign up for treasure hunting, the boys tell them to buzz off.
Seriously, this movie was made in 1992. or ’93, whatever. These guys are frickin TEENAGERS. Last movie we established they were freshman or sophomores in high school. I realize I went to high school a decade later, but still, Even in the 1990s high school boys realized that girls can be useful, and if they’re not mature to realize that, chances are they also weren’t mature enough to form a Buttercream gang. Or if they were, they weren’t mature enough to put saving Widow Jenkins above baseball practice.
Eli says he’s for equality of the sexes because it’s “Inevitable.” However, it is tradition that only BOYS are allowed.
And I want to pause here, because this is actually not an uncommon attitude for proponents of patriarchy to have. They give lip service to the fact that women are equal and should be allowed to do the same things as men. However, they also will spout off on how “traditionally, a man does X and a woman does Y.” Even in the 21st century, you run across this attitude. It’s disgusting and it needs to go away, because some argue that because it’s tradition, it should be kept up, whereas some traditions need to die a quick painful death.
Margaret says she and Jessie will find the treasure first. I wish they would, but I already know in advance Eldon will find it, so, so much for combating the blatant sexism in your movie.
Just then, Mr. Duncan enters the treehouse. He tells the boys Mr. Graff needs help doing yard work. Lanny and Scott tell him that them finding the treasure is the best way to help Mr. Graff, so they’re not going.
Eldon struggles a bit with the decision, then decides to go with Mr. Duncan. He says they could always look for the gold tomorrow. I mean, chances are it’s not going anywhere. But Scotty boy and Lanny are more concerned with “the girls” finding it first.
Personally, I think helping Mr. Graff paint is more helpful, because searching for treasure is kind of a wild idea, whereas Mr. Graff needs practical help NOW. Also, Scotty boy and Lanny don’t seem terribly concerned with Mr. Graff right now, they seem more concerned with showing up the girls and protecting their manhood. I really wish they’d get their comeuppance by the end of the series. I’d like to see them humbled a bit about their sexism.
It’s official, Eldon is more helpful than Lanny and Scotty boy put together and multiplied.
And Eli, since apparently he went with Eldon.
Mr. Graff talks about how lots of boys spent time looking for the treasure. The boys show him parts of the map. Or at least, Eldon’s part.
Wait a second… that map is hundreds of years old, and Eldon is allowed to carry it around because… why? If it’s that old, it would be VERY fragile. I’d expect him to say he made a copy or something… or took a picture…. oh WHY do I expec these movies to make SENSE?!
Mr. Graff recognizes the mark on the bottom corner of the map. He says it’s on the bottles of honey he gets from the monastery. Eldon and Eli run off to get their bikes, then realize that it can wait.
I vote we kick Scotty boy and Lanny out of the Buttercream Gang and make Eli the leader because clearly, these 2 are living up to the Buttercream manifesto of “always help people.”
We are then shown a picture of The Buffons
They’ve been spying on the group, and so they know about the monastery.
I didn’t know monasteries sold honey, hmm.
I’ll pick up next time when Eldon and Eli go to the monastery. And there’ll probably be another VeggieTales post soon, along with more recaps of Mark Driscoll’s book. So, stay tuned. (Or don’t, whatever, it’s your life, I suppose.)