I apologize this is taking so long. I’m running into technical difficulties (thank you, Apple) which make watching this movie even more painful than it already is. Also, please excuse the errors in spelling. My H key is having issues. I’m not just trying for a bad French accent, I promise.
We last left the Buttercreamers as Elton’s uncle was about to have the expert unroll the parchment. The expert is clearly the same guy who played the captain all those years ago. Apparently he’s an expert from Spain, who knows a lot about the Spanish conquest. Eldon has this weird, suspicious/angry look on his face.
The expert’s name is… Amaldamar (spelling?), and he unrolls the scroll. As he’s doing that, the 2 men from the 1500s (it’s remarkable, they look just like their ancestors, and they haven’t aged a day!) By the way, wouldn’t 7 generations have been long gone by now, IF the 2 men’s families would even have been loyal to the oath for that long? 5 centuries, and only 7 generations tops. I’m not buying it.
Anyway, these 2 men proceed to act like 5 year olds… I take it back, that’s an insult to 5 year olds. These men act more like… puppies. They bumble around and knock things over, as they get excited over a goldfish in a beaker. I know it’s a cliche in children’s movies to have incompetent side kicks, but my GOD can we PLEASE stop insulting the intelligence of children everywhere and GET RID OF THIS?
Amaldamar pins the parchment to a tray and brushes dust off it with a paintbrush. Eldon is excited.
[quote] For the first time in my life, I’m going to do something right!”[/quote]
I think I just grew a bit of sympathy for Eldon. I’ve felt that way myself a LOT. Especially growing up within the rigid confines of conservative Christianity.
It doesn’t seem to take Amaldamar very long to unroll the scroll. I speculate that in real life, this process takes hours and hours and is very boring.
Amaldamar says he can read it, despite years of damage. Amaldamar informs everyone that it is merely an old farming map from 100-150 years ago, and not from the Conquistador period at all. He offers then $100 for it. Eldon says he’d rather have it on display at the local school.
Which makes no sense because Eldon is trying to save up $49.99 for that stupid book, so he really should take the money and run.
Mr. Dunkin does try to make Eldon feel better by giving him some recognition for discovering it.
In the next scene we have… Eldon running…oh god…. seriously? A lemonade stand? What is he, 8? I have never heard of anyone over the age of 10 being caught dead running one.
Meanwhile, the rest of the butter creamers are holding what looks like skate races people pay to participate in. The money goes to save Mr. Graff’s house. Which seems like a heck of a lot better than a lemonade stand. And anyway, right now Eldon isn’t trying to make money from the lemonade stand for Mr. Graff. Right now Eldon is desperate for the $50 book that will tell him how to get rich “with nothing down.”
Eldon is also a sucky business person. As he yells is fool head off going “Ice cold lemonade!” there are 2 girls standing right in front of him. They look to be about 8 and 6, but still, don’t ignore the short people Elden, and never ignore a potential customer. 8 year olds get pocket money, right? Maybe they want some lemonade.
Unfortunately, they don’t want to fork over a quarter for it. Eldon tries to explain to the kids that this is a fundraiser, and that he needs to makes some money. One look at their cute little faces, however, and he caves. Well, of course, the 2 girls tell EVERYONE. Soon Eldon has given all his lemonade away.
I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that Eldon is supposed to be around 14/15, and that the actor playing him is at least 17, possibly 18-19.
Meanwhile, during the skating race, we’re told Jessie is very good, and has “already beat 3 boys her own age.” The boys talk about getting someone better than her to “teach her a lesson.” Because of course a female athlete who is better than the boys can not be tolerated. She must be taught “a lesson.” Gag gag gag. This movie has more girls in it and it still manages to be more sexist than the last one.
Scott decides to race Jessie. Margaret argues that it would be unfair, as Jessie’s been racing all day and she’s probably tired.
Jessie: I’m not tired
Margaret: Jessie he’s way older than you.
Jessie: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
I like this kid.
Jessie also goes on to say that she’s a butter creamer, and that she won’t back down from a fight with a boy, at which point Lanny shoots back, “you’re a buttercream ette.”
Jesus fuckin CHRIST are you KIDDING me? So, female members have to have the “ettes” attached to their name? In the last movie, the buttercreamettes were LITTLE girls. Girls who looked like they 8 or younger, MAYBE some short 10 year olds. Scott will later state that Jessie is 11. She is definitely too old to be a buttercreamette. Also, she is smarter than Eldon and Lanny put together and multiplied, but she can’t be a REAL butter creamer because she lacks The Almighty Penis(tm).
I almost liked it better when they just left out the girls entirely.
There’s some long boring footage of the skate race between Scott and Jessie. Spoiler alert, Jessie wins. I actually kind of like the music in this movie. Especially because there are no words for me to find insane.
I think I’ll stop here for now. Next time we get to see more of the actual plot. be prepared for more bumbling side kicks, more of Eldon being a complete doofus, and, sadly, less of Jessie kicking Scott in the pride.