The Big Damn Mcgee and Me Rewatch, Episode 1 “The Big Lie.”

I’m going to try and eventually work my way through all the episodes ever, but only if I can find them on the internet. So for now. we’re going to do episode one.

For those that don’t know, McGee and Me was a television show that aired in the late 1980s/early1990s era, give or take a few years. It featured a boy (of course, cuz girls never go on adventures) who drew this cartoon character who then came to life.

It’s written and produced by Focus on the Family, which at some point was run by Dr. James Dobson, a man who proudly writes in his book about he beat up his dachshund to prove he was a manly man in charge of the house. FotF is seen as pretty mainstream by some, but by others, heavily conservative and dangerous.

So, let’s begin.

It starts, as usual, with a theme song, during which a boy draws a cartoon, which then comes to life.

Look! I’m alive!
Whoa! I gotta lay off the crack!

The real episode begins with Nick (the boy who draws) opening the bible and reading a (very liberal translation) verse about how lying is bad, and the same thing as hitting someone with an axe.

We are then treated to a cartoon version of McGee getting hit in the head with an axe. Don’t worry, his head regrows.

Except for McGee, none of the characters are cartoons, so it looks a little odd.

Nick explains that he’s just moved into his grandma’s house, and he has to start all over again with new friends and a new school. God I know that feeling, multiple times over.

Nick has an older sister who is sporting a side ponytail. Oh, 90s fashions…

SNORT. Their dog’s name is… Whatever? No, I had to go re-listen to it, but that’s seriously the dog’s name: Whatever. Nick’s father is mad because the dog stole toast off his plate. The older sister insists her dad needs to loosen up about Whatever, but I kind of agree that it’s annoying when dogs steal your food. I also think that the man shouldn’t have put the food in a place where the dog could reach it if he didn’t want Whatever to have it.

I am so going to name a dog or a cat Whatever. That is just an AWESOME name for a pet.

There’s another girl in the family, a younger sister with beautiful golden curls.

The family, except for Nick, scatters.

There’s some loud coughing from the cereal box, with pieces flying out. Out pops McGee which, ew. If someone, cartoon character or not, had been coughing in my cereal, I’d smack him, hard, because ew, gross.

McGee doesn’t answer Nick’s “What are you doing?” Question.

Nick reminds McGee that the last time he gave him advice, it didn’t turn out so well.

We get to see Nick’s first day of school, where he gets in trouble for cutting class because he couldn’t find his homeroom (seriously, does this ever happen? I thought teachers gave new students leeway, at least, mine always did.), drops all his food at lunch as the girls laugh, and then gets caught with a can of spray paint at recess because someone throws it at him.

Then Nick has the misfortune to run into some older boys, who bully him out of some money, or at least try to. Just as he’s going to beat up Nick, another boy comes up and manages to convince Derek, the bully, not to beat up Nick, saying that Derek usually goes for bigger guys, and beating up this little boy would sully his reputation.

Derek and his gang of bullies walk away, and Nick thanks Louis. Louis is a person of color, and I like that. What I don’t like is when he tells Nick not to cut through a certain person’s yard because “that guy’s a crazy old Indian who eats live animals.”

Sigh. So much for no racism. “Crazy old man” is one thing, “crazy old Indian man” is another. And may I remind people that an adult wrote these words, not the child who is speaking them?

Louis tells Nick that anything, human or animal, that goes through there doesn’t come out a live.

McGee then starts talking to Nick, and they have a conversation about whether or not Nick should go. McGee argues that this is Nick’s chance to make an impression, and Nick shoots back “didn’t you hear what he just said!?”

All the while, Louis is standing RIGHT THERE. Which begs the question: do people besides Nick not hear McGee? Do they also not hear Nick when he talks to McGee? Because Louis is standing there right within earshot, and should really be wondering why Nick is talking to himself. And, possibly, where the other voice is coming from.

I could accept that no one else can hear McGee, and I could even stretch it to no one hearing Nick talk to McGee. But I feel like there needs to be an explanation. Come on, throw me a tachyon pulse, some unobtanium, something.

Nick cuts across the old guy’s yard as Louis screams after him to come back. Nickolas stupidly climbs onto the cellar door to peek in the window. The boards are rotted and he falls in, as Louis is still screaming for him to get out of there. Like he can now, dumbass, he’s TRAPPED. For some reason there is an owl in the barn. You know those Indians, amiright? They totally keep owls as pets in their basements.

Anyway, the old man gets up out of his rocking chair and goes down to the cellar. Nick screams and runs past him, and I can’t see very well because it’s dark, but I think for some reason the old man is holding a live rabbit.

He runs into Louis on his way out of the house, “just to say hi.” I do kinda like this kid’s sense of humor.

The next day, as Nicholas comes out of his house, he finds a group of Louis and his friends waiting for him. They are all very impressed that Nickolas had the guts to go into the old guy’s house. They start asking Nick a lot of questions. Nick tries to set the record straight, but then gives up and plays along. After all, it’s hugely helping his street cred.  The Indian man was big, like a monster, and eating a live rabbit.

As we all know, this is how rumors get started in Middle School.

Derek and his gang get wind of it, and they corner Nicholas.

Derek: I don’t believe it! What kind of  a fool do you take me for?

Nicholas: I don’t know, how many kinds are there?

I actually do like his comeback here.

At home, Nick’s grandma talks about how someone broke into George Rivers’ place and scared him real bad. He’s got arthritis so bad he can barely walk, but he gets up to take care of all those injured animals. Grandma goes on to say he’s the sweetest man you’d ever want to meet.

Looks like I misjudged someone…

We switch over to McGee in cartoon world. I guess McGee has his own little cartoon world? McGee and his friends are playing baseball. McGee hits a home run, and the ball crashes in someone’s window. At least 5 police cars immediately come around the corner with their lights squealing. Soldiers surround them on all sides and point guns at them.  McGee’s eyes turn red as he  hurriedly thrusts the bat into the hands of a younger boy. The big fat police officer hauls the  younger boy off in chains. The boy looks out the window with tears streaming down his eyes.

It’s all very over dramatic and stupid, and even as a kid I would’ve rolled my eyes so hard they’d rattle around in my skull. But watching it in school probably got me out of math class or something, so whatever.

Back on planet Real World (and I admit, except for Cartoon World, most of what’s been happening in this episode is very realistic and I could see happening.), Nick’s dad comes in to talk. Nick has some handy little remote that opens the door for him. Not entirely sure how he rigged that up. Tachyon pulses, I guess. Nick’s dad tries to talk to him, but Nick doesn’t answer. Finally he asks Nick whatsup.

Seriously, I want a show where the mother goes to have a talk with the son. But there’s more than one episode in the series so maybe that’s coming up.

Nick kinda sorta tells his father what’s going on. His dad reminds him “the truth will find him out,” which is actually a direct biblical quote. We get treated to a lecture on who all gets hurt when a lie is told about someone. It hurts the teller of the lie, the person about whom the lie is told, and of course, we hurt Jesus when we lie.

I was subjected to that line of reasoning A LOT growing up. A whole stinking pile of dung-guilt which wasn’t necessary, because Jesus doesn’t exist. And also, seriously, every little sin we do, no matter how small, hurts God immensely? Wouldn’t God be in intense pain all the time? Oh but wait, the good things we do make him happy, so he’s also in perpetual joy? So, God is simultaneously in never ending agony and perpetual joy? My room mate and I actually had a talk about that once, but it hurt our brains too much to think about, so we did the same thing we always did with our questions/doubts/things that made no gorram sense: shut up and stuff ’em up where we couldn’t remember ’em.

In any case, I have a huge problem that most, if not any, thing we do affects god in any way. Maybe if I was to go murder someone it would make sense, but a little lie told to middle school students to up a kid’s street cred? Come on. They were afraid of him anyway.

In the next scene, we see Nicholas drawing, looking totally stoned.

There’s a cheesy song about lying playing in the background as we are next shown Derek’s gang getting together after dark by a chain link fence. And then we’re shown Mr. River’s windows windows being broken via rocks. Quite honestly, it would’ve come to this anyway. Kids have always been afraid of Mr. Rivers, so  it would be extremely surprising to me if this were really the first time some dumb kids had vandalized his house.

At the end of the song, we’re shown what Nicholas has been drawing.

Derek didn’t bother keeping what he did quiet, because the next day everyone at school is talking about it. Nick’s family must have moved to a small town, because I don’t remember shit spreading this fast in the bigger schools I’ve been to.

Nicholas is just finishing up with music class when Louis comes up and tells Nicholas he’s going to miss all the action. Derek and his Dorks are going to put the finishing touches on… what Louis says sounds like “old cheese.” and “it should be good.” Then he runs away.

McGee puts on a superhero costume and struts around. He tells Nick it’s time to fix his mistake. “But they’ll kill me!” Nick exclaims.

Given what the bullies have been known to do, I don’t blame him for thinking this. Those boys could really hurt Nick.

McGee convinces Nick to do something,

Cheesy music plays in the background as we are shown footage of Nick running to the scene as Derek and “his dorks” vandalize Mr. Rivers’ porch, setting his animals free, breaking things… again, if kids were always this scared of him and hated him, I’d be extremely surprised if this was the first time this happened.

I’d also be shocked if they decided to listen to Nick when he tired to tell them things got blown out of proportion. Which, I’d like to point out that, even if Nick hadn’t lied, it probably would’ve gotten spread around the school like wildfire and blown our of proportion anyway, because that is how small towns work.

But no, it’s all Nick’s fault for going along with it.

Which, probably he does have some responsibility, but at the same time, once these things get started, even if you don’t lie, there’s really no stopping it.

The song wines about how love never lies. Has focus on the family ever thought about lies such as “no that dress doesn’t make you look fat at all?” Ok, some lies SAVE lives, and are told in love.

When McGee finally, after an eternity, reaches the front porch, the boys scatter, calling him “squid.” Mr. Rivers looks at him.

No words pass between them, but Nick goes home and cries about it afterward. I think this is unfair, I don’t think it’s all Nick’s fault. I mean, sure his actions kind of instigated it, but honestly, if it hadn’t been him, it’d have been someone else. And even if no one else had done what Nick did, Derek and his “dorks” sound like the type who would eventually do it anyway.

In any case, the next morning, Nick is shown cleaning Mr. Rivers’ front porch. Louis comes up.

Louis: You didn’t see anything you said you did, did you

Nick: No. I didn’t really see anything.

This, strictly speaking, is not true. He saw animals that were stuffed, which creeped him out, he saw a live owl, and he saw Mr. Rivers holding a live rabbit.

This, then, is the big lie, but of course, the movie wants us to conveniently forget the first act.

Louis tells Nick it was fun while it lasted, then leaves. McGee sits in a water dish for the raccoon talking about how great it is to be helping out, “yesirree bob.”

Nick doesn’t think he can face Mr. Rivers after what he did to him which, oh my god seriously? It’s NOT Nick’s fault Derek and his “dorks” vandalized Mr. Rivers’ house. Even if Nick had told the truth, it still would’ve spread all over the school all embellished, and in any case, I’d be really surprised if they weren’t going to eventually do it on a dare anyway. But Nick has to beat himself up for it because he is a Good Christian ™.

Mr. Rivers comes out and smiles at Nick, telling him he should start on the cellar steps next.

Nicholas laughs as the raccoon licks McGee, who thinks he’s being eaten and screams like a girl.

Aaaaaaand that’s it. The end credits roll.

I don’t dislike Nick, at least, not yet. I also don’t think what happened is entirely his fault. I feel like there could’ve been a better storyline for the whole “lying is bad” thing. And I know we saw glimpses of it, but I really wish we’d seen more of Mr. Rivers being nice to… well, we don’t really get to see much of him at all. So I would’ve liked to see, instead of grandma telling us Mr. Rivers is the nicest person you could ever meet, I wish we’d been shown that Mr. Rivers is (or at least, can be) a really nice person.

And I wish they hadn’t gone with the whole stereotypical “Native Americans are close to nature hence all the injured animals” thing.

I’ll wait and see more episodes before I judge, but so far I dislike the writing, but the characters and storyline are somewhat believable. Nick also never came across as self righteous and stuck up. In fact, he seemed kinda like a normal kid who struggles with… well, whatever it is kids his age struggle with. And that’s refreshing. I don’t (yet) hate the protagonist in a Christian movie.

And now I’m going to go take some NyQuil and call it a night.

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Buttercream Gang Posts Postponed

I will never work with dvds again, I swear. All Buttercream Gang posts are hereby suspended till I can find a dvd drive that actually WORKS. My dinosaur of a macbook has kicked the bucket on that regard, and my new frisbee Macbook Air does not, of course, have a dvd drive.

It could be a while. A LONG while.

I don’t know when I’ll GET a dvd drive. It could be a long time. So, in the meantime, I’m going to start on what I wanted to work on after I was done with Buttercreamers.

How many of you remember the show McGee and Me? Well you’re about to go on a trip down memory lane. Or not, in which case, lucky you.

The Buttercream Gang: Secret of Treasure Mountain Part 4 (I think?)

This was supposed to go up last week. Clearly WordPress is still having issues with the whole posting on a schedule thing. Or maybe I’m just the one having issues figuring out how to work it, who knows?

We last left our Intrepid Heroes tying up The Two Buffoons with…. the laces on ONLY ONE of Jessie’s roller skates. Seriously? Roller skate laces are long enough (and strong enough to hold) 2 really big guys who have 2 really big wrists? Sorry, not buying it.

Buffoon 1: My mother’s going to kill me

Ugh. How old are these guys, 5?

Jessie: Well you shouldn’t ave been chasing little girls!

The 2 buffoons explain that the ancestors made an oath to serve the Amaldamar family forever which, if you were paying attention, not they didn’t, they only made the oath for 7 generations which I would think would have expired already especially since life expectancy was way lower back in the 1500s, plus I wouldn’t expect the oath to actually be adhered to. And it’s pretty amazing that all of their families chose to procreate. I mean, if I was married to someone who swore such an oath, I’d probably make sure I never had any children (that Amaldamar knew of….)

You know what, I’m thinking about this more than the writers clearly did so, moving on.

Margaret thinks it’s terrible, and asks what will happen if they don’t obey Amaldamar.

Buffoon 2: I don’t know

Buffon 1: I don’t know either

Oh for heaven’s sake, is it REALLY that hard to invent a reason when you write the story? Maybe they are afraid Amaldamar will hurt them or their parents (he threatened to kill me/my mother/ my firstborn child) or they are superstitious (the gods will hunt us down and kill us). Seriously, for 7 generations the answer has been, “I don’t know?”

Eldon says they should try doing something good for a change, and really, Eldon doesn’t know that they HAVEN’T done a lot of good and that this is their only screwup. Seriously.

Unfortunately, the buffoons think doing good instead of bad is a novel concept.

Eldon walks away and leaves them, saying he knows they’ll get away but he’s got a good feeling about them, so it’s ok.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the entire police force and EMS of Elkridge! Protecting innocent girls and then setting their pursuers free!

They do tell Mr. Duncan, apparently, because the next morning they are talking about. Mr. Duncan is examining what looks like a twinky with a magnifying glass, as Eli finds buffoon #2’s pants.

Seriously, Mr. Duncan is an adult. HE should know that THE POLICE need to be examining the scene, NOT him. He’s just going to destroy valuable evidence.

Eldon decides it wasn’t just an old farming plot they were trying to steal, and that Amaldamar might have been lying. Mr. Duncan asks why Amaldamar would lie to them. Eli then proves he is smarter than all the adults in this movie put together and multiplied when he says “Power, love, money, the usual.”

As Eldon is accusing Amaldamar of wanting to keep the treasure for himself, Amaldamar enters the room. He says he didn’t send the buffoons, Eldon argues. Amaldamar said the two buffoons acted without his knowledge, that they deceived him. Eldon clearly thinks this is bullshit, but the rest of the people in the room are REALLY REALLY stupid.

Amaldamar: You’re not a very trusting boy, are you Eldon?

Actually, he is, that’s one of his huge problems, IMHO.

Eldon shoots back that trust is something you EARN, and I agree with Eldon, shocker.

Amaldamar says that, since he is here and the buffoons are not, it must mean he’s not guilty, because if he was a thief, wouldn’t he stay very far away?

I don’t think this is logical, and Eldon also looks suspicious.

Amaldamar then tells them the police were satisfied with his story and the evidence. WHAT evidence? The police clearly never examined the scene, and did Amaldamar seriously call the police on the buffoons, who he knows will babble like a brook if interrogated?

Amaldamar then pulls out HIS third of the treasure map, saying it’s been in his family for generations. Ok, he’s had that all this time, and everyone just believes he mistook the piece Eldon found for a farming map? Nope, sorry, I’m not buying it.

We are exactly at the halfway point, yay progress! Isn’t this exciting kids! Treasure maps being stolen by buffoons! Aren’t the buffoons funny!

Yawn.

The kids are amazed that the parts of the map match up. Amaldamar tells us the story of his ancestors which we knew of from the beginning, and telling them he’s spent is entire life searching for the treasure.

Yet before, he claimed he had no idea that the parchment he owned (that is, his third of it) was a treasure map. Yeah, how is anyone with half a brain even being remotely deceived by this? I’m sure if I hadn’t been so drunk the first time I saw it, I would’ve caught that myself.

Amaldamar admits it is a treasure map. Eldon then puts 5 and 9 together and realizes that the buffoons would’ve tried to steal BOTH pieces if they hadn’t really been acting on Amaldamars orders.

Amaldarmar tells Eldon he’s very clever, but that the buffoons aren’t. And anyway, there’s another piece missing since the map was torn in 3.

So of course the Butterboys all decide to go search for treasure. Emphasis on BOYS, because when Margaret and Jessie show up at the treehouse to sign up for treasure hunting, the boys tell them to buzz off.

Seriously, this movie was made in 1992. or ’93, whatever. These guys are frickin TEENAGERS. Last movie we established they were freshman or sophomores in high school. I realize I went to high school a decade later, but still, Even in the 1990s high school boys realized that girls can be useful, and if they’re not mature to realize that, chances are they also weren’t mature enough to form a Buttercream gang. Or if they were, they weren’t mature enough to put saving Widow Jenkins above baseball practice.

Eli says he’s for equality of the sexes because it’s “Inevitable.” However, it is tradition that only BOYS are allowed.

And I want to pause here, because this is actually not an uncommon attitude for proponents of patriarchy to have. They give lip service to the fact that women are equal and should be allowed to do the same things as men. However, they also will spout off on how “traditionally, a man does X and a woman does Y.” Even in the 21st century, you run across this attitude. It’s disgusting and it needs to go away, because some argue that because it’s tradition, it should be kept up, whereas some traditions need to die a quick painful death.

Margaret says she and Jessie will find the treasure first. I wish they would, but I already know in advance Eldon will find it, so, so much for combating the blatant sexism in your movie.

Just then, Mr. Duncan enters the treehouse. He tells the boys Mr. Graff needs help doing yard work. Lanny and Scott tell him that them finding the treasure is the best way to help Mr. Graff, so they’re not going.

Eldon struggles a bit with the decision, then decides to go with Mr. Duncan. He says they could always look for the gold tomorrow. I mean, chances are it’s not going anywhere. But Scotty boy and Lanny are more concerned with “the girls” finding it first.

Personally, I think helping Mr. Graff paint is more helpful, because searching for treasure is kind of a wild idea, whereas Mr. Graff needs practical help NOW. Also, Scotty boy and Lanny don’t seem terribly concerned with Mr. Graff right now, they seem more concerned with showing up the girls and protecting their manhood. I really wish they’d get their comeuppance by the end of the series. I’d like to see them humbled a bit about their sexism.

It’s official, Eldon is more helpful than Lanny and Scotty boy put together and multiplied.

And Eli, since apparently he went with Eldon.

Mr. Graff talks about how lots of boys spent time looking for the treasure. The boys show him parts of the map. Or at least, Eldon’s part.

Wait a second… that map is hundreds of years old, and Eldon is allowed to carry it around because… why? If it’s that old, it would be VERY fragile. I’d expect him to say he made a copy or something… or took a picture…. oh WHY do I expec these movies to make SENSE?!

Mr. Graff recognizes the mark on the bottom corner of the map. He says it’s on the bottles of honey he gets from the monastery. Eldon and Eli run off to get their bikes, then realize that it can wait.

I vote we kick Scotty boy and Lanny out of the Buttercream Gang and make Eli the leader because clearly, these 2 are living up to the Buttercream manifesto of “always help people.”

We are then shown a picture of The Buffons

No, we’re not conspicuous AT ALL. We blend right in, SEE?!

They’ve been spying on the group, and so they know about the monastery.

I didn’t know monasteries sold honey, hmm.

I’ll pick up next time when Eldon and Eli go to the monastery. And there’ll probably be another VeggieTales post soon, along with more recaps of Mark Driscoll’s book. So, stay tuned. (Or don’t, whatever, it’s your life, I suppose.)

VeggieTales: Larry Boy and the Fib From Outer Space, Part 2 (conclusion)

We left off with a much bigger Fib telling Junior how he has a special gift for lying. I’m sorry, but that lie he just told was RIDICULOUS. Even in VeggieTales land, no one owns a pet crocodile.

Meanwhile, Larry Boy disagrees with Alfred that anything from Space landed in Bumblyburg. Larry complains about being tired and hungry and having to go to the bathroom.

Ladies and Gentlemen, our town’s ONLY protector. He gives up and quits when he has to go to the bathroom and his suit is on too tight. 

Laura, Lennie, and Percy Pea find Junior and confront him about the lies. They keep yelling at him “lies, lies, it was ALL A LIE!1!!!!!!1!1!!1!!” And they’re all dramatic and stuff and…. yawn.

Junior tells them all it was space aliens, which, since Laura was THERE, she should know better. Even if Junior hadn’t ripped off the plot of Invasion of the Cow Snatchers, which Percy happened to have seen in theaters yesterday. Ooops. Don’t get your lies from movies, kids, unless they’re 50 years out of date and you’re talking to someone under 50. 

As Junior tells this really uneblievabe lie that only someone with a brain the size of a… er, pea, would believe, Fib grows and grows until….

Hi, Junior!

Fib picks up Junior, saying not to worry, a little fib couldn’t hurt anybody. He then proceeds to go about destroying the town, Junior in hand. Fib even crushes the police man’s car. Apparently that was the only policeman in town, as Larry Boy is called to the scene isntead of other police officers.

So Glad I don’t live in Bumblyburg. They really are bumbling!

Larry boy and Alfred are playing Candyland. HAHAHAHA I remember that game. Larry Boy’s been stuck in the molasses swamp for 38 turns. I think mom and I eventually made it a rule that you could only be stuck there for 3 turns max, just to keep the game from getting too boring. Larry Boy turns around to look out the window, sees the town in Chaos, and dramatically tells Alfred the game is….. Postponed.

Cut to shot of Fib and Junior. 

Junior: Fib! Why are you doing this to me! I thought you were my friend!

Fib: That’s the thing about Fibs, Junior, we grow.

But that still didn’t answer Junior’s question. Why is Fib doing this to him? Why would Fib go through all that to get bigger just to…. eat Junior? Stomp around the whole town and destroy it? He knows that it’s not going to be that hard to take him down if he’s that obvious.

Really, this would make more sense if he was a sewer mutant than something from Outer Space.

Along comes Larry Boy, to not save the day.

Fib climbs the water tower with Junior in hand, saying, “let’s see if your little poy-pul friend can help you up here!”

Yes, he really did say “poy-pul” instead of purple.

Larry Boy tells Alfred he can’t get through to the water tower because there’s a road block. Yet there is PLENTY of road space for Larry to get up to speed for takeoff. We are then shown footage of the road, and there is no roadblock. That road is clear all the way through.

The policeman continues to stand there watching, not doing anything.

Alfred tells Larry that the monster is a lie, which makes no gorram sense except to the people who’ve been watching the TV show, but I’d think Larry would need more information. What do you mean the monster is a lie? Do you mean it doesn’t really exist? Do you mean it lies? What does that mean, exactly?

It turns out that Alfred, in addition to being Larry Boy’s assistant, likes to Tinker in his spare time, and this is how the Larry Mobile can fly, which is something Larry just found out. Alfred also likes to dabble in Nuclear Medicine and physics. Can Alfred be the superhero, please? He’s smarter and more likeable than Larry.

In any case, Larry Boy flies up to the Fib’s head, then ejects himself from the Larry Mobile. I don’t know what his plan was, but it’s obvious that Fib is just going to use his hand and snatch him out of the air.

When you consider that no one in Bumblyburg has hands, I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that Larry Boy couldn’t have seen that one coming 10 miles away, and why would he abandon the Larry Mobile, anyway? Does it have auto pilot landing features? Is it now going ot crash into some innocent person? What exactly does Larry plan to do anyway?

Turns out there was no plan, apparently. Larry is told that he can’t stop the lie.

Larry Boy: Alfred! Why didn’t you tell me that before I jumped on him!”

Alfred: Because my computer hadn’t figured it out yet.

Sigh. I had such high hopes for you Alfred, but you can’t let a computer do all your thinking for you.

Fib: Even a little lie can get big really fast. And a big lie can just swallow you up.And Junior, you made a really big lie, huh huh huh.

You know, as children growing up in Christian school we had this pounded into our skulls, that a small lie would only grow over time and get bigger and bigger. Except that then I grew up and found out that…. it doesn’t. I mean, sure, some lies can, if you’re stupid enough to tell them about other people who can counterract them. But if you tell someone something like, “That dress makes you look reeeeeeaaaaal skinny” or “no, I totally put the air conditioning at a temperature you find acceptable” or “Yes, I totally read my bible this morning.” Oddly enough, those lies don’t come back to haunt you. Even when I cranked the air conditioning up to Absolute Brrrr and told everyone it was only on 72, they believed me.

Amazing how none of my lies swallowed me whole or even made me feel like that in the metaphorical sense. I guess I’ve been lied to growing up, haven’t I?

Fib debates over whether or now he will eat Junior or Larry Boy first, and this is the only thing that causes me to think it was a good idea for Larry Boy to jump on Fib, because it’s going to buy Junior some time while Alfred figures out how to reboot his computer.

Because seriously, just as Alfred is about to figure out who can stop the lie, the cord gets unplugged. Sigh.

Fib decides Larry Boy looks like candy, so he’ll eat him first, Larry Boy tries to protest that it’s spandex and quite bitter which, seriously? If he was a real hero, he’d be urging Fib to eat him first instead of Junior, which could buy Junior some time while Alfred figures out how to save him. But no, our Cowardly Hero is literally going into the creature’s mouth and being sucked on, protesting the whole way.

Fib’s mouth opens

Ladies, Gentlemen, and everyone in between, THIS isn’t scary at all, nope, good clean fun for the whole family.

Alfred screams for a full minute before bothering to check what’s wrong with the computer. He plugs the cord in and screams:

Alfred: Boot you transistorized tormentor! Boooooooooot!

Which, haha, can’t you totally picture Doctor Smith from Lost in Space saying that to The Robot?

Fib is just about to bite down on Larry Boy (Seriously, who puts food in their mouth and then sucks on it without biting down first? Larry Boy should be dead by now) when Alfred informs him that Junior can stop the lie.

Junior overhears, takes a deep breath, and yells, “It was me! I did it! I broke the plate.”

Fib shrinks one size, making no real attempt to stop Junior, which is odd. Also odd is that Fib doesn’t shrink in proportion to how he grew. He shrinks little by little, but he last 2 time he grew it was very fast.

As Junior tells the truths about all the lies he’s told, Fib shrinks and then… disappears? We never see his oversized cold virus body again.

Aaaaaaand Junior and Larry Boy are stuck on top of the water Tower. Larry Boy uses a super suction ear to put Junior on the ground.

Junior apologizes to his parents, who aren’t made, because Junior is more important than the plate, and he’s been punished enough, because SCARY MONSTER TRIED TO FUCKIN EAT HIM.

Junior’s parents tell him they value his honesty… bla bla bla, it’s a very touchy feely moment.

The closing scene of the movie is late at night, when another oversized cold virus, a pink one this time, bounces into the street like a bouncy ball. Fade to black.

Bob and Larry, of course, have to talk about what they’ve learned today. Larry uses his plungers to keep Bob from turning off the end theme song, which strikes me as cruel, because no one should be forced to listen to their least favorite song. (I always leave the room or stuff my fingers in my ears when people start singing Jesus Loves Me, for example. Worst. Song. Ever.)
Bob and Larry check in with QWERTY to see if he has a verse for us. QWERTY spits on John 8:32b, the truth shall set you free.
Sigh. Even –I– know the context of that one.

If you read John chapter 8, you’ll know that Jesus is referred to as the truth, and he is supposed to set us free. Truth in this context isn’t really supposed to be about lies vs truth, it’s more like… Jesus is truth, because BYE-BULL says so. And Jesus has come to set you free.

Bob: You see, the only way to be free is to do what God wants us to do

Me: SNORT! That just made me a slave, dumbass.

Bob: And God wants us to always tell the truth. And facing your parents is a lot less painful than getting caught in a big lie!

Maybe some parents really are like this. Other parents… I’d rather tell lies to. Even as an adult, it is necessary for me to lie to my parents. Even though I’m too old to be punished, I’m not too old for them to cut me out of their lives. And so, lies are necessary to get through life.

Life isn’t like a VeggieTales episode. Life isn’t black and white like it is in Bumblyburg.

This episode SCARED THE LITERAL SHIT out of me as a child. As an adult, do I think it’s too scary? I think that depends on the child. You can’t always predict who will be scared by what. I do think there are some scenes that could’ve been edited to be less terrifying without altering the story too much, but other than that… it’s mainly just stupid, in my opinion.

I’d probably let my kid watch it if she came home with it, but I’d definitely not encourage her to watch it in the first place.

Buttercream Gang Post later this week. It’s hard because I have technological issues while watching it. So hopefully sometimes this week.

VeggieTales: Larry Boy and The Fib From Outer Space Part 1

There will be another Buttercream post sometime this week.

I’ve been wanting to do another Veggietales post, and when I stumbled across this on Amazon prime, I shuddered. This epsiode scared me SO BAD as a child I refused to sleep in my room for months.

As we all know, adulthood is for going back and explroing our childhoods to see if things that scared us were actually very scary or if we were just young and dumb.

So, I’m going to grab my pickles, some tea, and my teddy bear (just in case!) and dive in.

The character of Larry Boy was born when Larry decided he wanted to be a super hero and put plungers on his head. In the original episode, which was just a regular VeggieTales episode (I don’t remember which) he decided he should give it al up and be just Larry, like God made him. Because that was the whole point of the episode.

And then this spinoff series happened, so, forget about all that being yourself nonsense?

The episode starts off, as usually, with Bob the Tomato asking if anyone has any questions, because they are there to answer them.

Larry then tells Bob he got an email, and Bob stops him to ask what that is. Um, lolwhut? By the time this episode aired, I’m pretty sure emails were a really huge thing that almost everyone had.

Bob the Tomato is apparently 90 years old and doesn’t realize this, so is confused when Larry asks if he is “wired, plugged in, surfing the web, HTML good buddy!”

Anyway, in the email, the kid is asking if he should lie to is parents about the bad thing he did. I don’t think any of us ever actually needed to ask that question because we had the answer pounded into our skulls growing up: tell the truth and get punished anyway, it’s what God wants.

Of course, if VeggieTales ever answered questions that kids actually ASKED, it would start to tackle some really tough ones, and we can’t have THAT.

In any case, the following is a story about what happened to Junior Asparagus when his little “fib” got out of control.

The theme song for the Larry Boy episodes plays after the intro, and it’s a bit different from the normal veggietales song. Here’s a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM6zkucpFck

We open next on Bumblyburg, where 2 peas come out and talk about the movie, which was about aliens sucking cows into their spaceship and then switching brains with them so they could infiltrate earth. We will later learn that this movie is called, “Invasion of the Cow Snatchers.”

The 2 peas then see a shooting star and wonder what it is. Well jee, it looks like a friggin’ shooting star from here, but of course, it’s really aliens.

Which is ironic, because the 2 gourds at the Bumblyburg Science Lab have a screen showing the shooting star playing in the background as one of them complains about how “B-O-R-D” he is, because they never go to see any space aliens.

An alarm light flashes and Jerry Gourd notices before Jimmy Gourd. Seriously it’s blaring all over the place, is Jerry deaf? Apparently if that alarm ever sounded, they were to notify Larry Boy immediately, because it meant something from space was about to hit Bumblyburg.

I’m so bored, I should take SPELLING LESSONS!

Jerry and Jimmy Gourd finally show the light in the sky which, seriously Larry you just told Bob he was so early ’90s for not having a computer, you should seriously have a cell phone.

Alfred, played by Archibald Asparagus, comes to get “Master Larry,” who knocks Alfred over with the plungers coming out of his head. Yes, plungers. Because Larry Boy is here to save Bumblyburg from…. CLOGGED TOILETS!

Larry immediately goes to the Larry Mobile, as the words Larry Boy! Flash across the screen to dramatic music.

It’s night time now, and we see what looks like a fist sized bouncy ball, you know, the special kind that bounces really really high, bouncing down the road. It comes to a stop and it looks like this

Wait, this looks familiar…. I’ve seen one of these before… ah, here we go

The Common Cold
Btw, kissing isn’t the only way you can get Mono, so I wish they’d stop calling it that.

The monster from outer space is therefore either a cold or Mono, or some horrid combination thereof.

The scene changes. We are now watching Junior and Laura have a tea party. With Teddy bears and all. Lolwhut? Junior is  FIVE. And a boy. Most 5 year old boys I know wouldn’t be caught DEAD having a tea party with a GIRL.

Laura says they need a plate for Mr. Snuggly. Junior decides that that really special looking plate on the top shelf of a very tall book case is perfect, because it’s a special plate for a special bear. Predictably, the plate breaks when Junior tries to get it. Laura makes up some lame excuse to leave (seriously, she was totally trying to come up with a little fib. Just because she didn’t find one doesn’t mean she should be excused because thats the whole point of this story!)

Anyway, just before Papa Asparagus comes in, the thing from Outer Space starts talking to Junior. His name is “Fibrilious Minimus.” Or Fib for short. Fib talks like the stereotype of a New Jersey cab driver. He tells Junior he is here to help him, and that he needs a good cover story for the plate.

So, when Papa Asparagus comes home to find his limited edition collector’s Art Bigoti plate broken, Junior lies and tells him it was Laura.

Papa Asparagus is surprised Laura would do that and goes to call Junior’s parents which, seriously, even a 5 year old shoulda seen that one coming. This is why your lies don’t ever involve anyone else who could be called upon to check your story. Duh. Junior needs a class in lying 101.

Fib then comes out from behind the couch, and Junior asks if he’s grown. He has, but not very much. Even I have trouble noticing. I’ll post comparison shots because it’s going to be important later.

Aw what a cute little COLD!
No, I’m not growing, I’ve always been this size

Fib is getting a little bigger, but just barely. His growth rate at the moment is… not much, honestly. Hold that thought while Junior and Fib decide to leave the house to have some fun.

In the meantime, Larry Boy is in the Larry Mobile looking for the “Foreign Object” While Alfred sits behind a computer in his office.

Larry Boy drives past Junior and Fib and says, “good afternoon boys,” and then tells Alfred he hasn’t seen anything that could possibly look like it came from outer space, except a kid with green hair and a dog that can whistle.

Alfred reminds Larry Boy that the fate of Bumblyburg resides in Larry Boy’s…. plungers.

I am SO glad I don’t live in Bumblyburg.

Percy Pea, meanwhile, finds Junior. Fib disappears around the corner, telling Junior he’ll be over there if he needs him.

Percy Pea is not happy. It seems Junior actually got Laura in trouble, despite Laura’s insistence she didn’t do it. Ah, playground drama, SO glad to be done with that part of my childhood.

Junior tells Percy this was all a mistake, it was Lenny, Laura’s Brother, who broke the plate. Junior feeds him some ridiculous story about Lenny feeding it to a crocodile. And frankly, if Percy believes that, he deserves to be fooled, because that is THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.

Afterward, Fib looks like this:

Ok, so maybe I’ve put on a few pounds.

Seriously? At first he only grew like, a couple inches, and now he grows 5 feet? Seriously? This lie isn’t even particularly big. And why does he need lies to grow, anyway? On what planet is this a thing? How would such a society actually work?No i am NOT overthinking this, the writers are UNDERthinking it. At the very least we should be getting some idea as to why this works the way it does. Not just handwaving it away BECAUSE ALIENS.

And he has feet, but I couldn’t get a good screenshot of how tall he was with them. Seriously, him having legs should be a BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL. I mean, think about it; no one in Bumblyburg even has legs. So, for one, how does Junior even know what legs/feet are? How does he know the word for it?

Also, he should not be brushing off the fact that Fib has legs. He should be freaking the fuck out. I mean, think about it. No human being I’ve ever seen has tentacles. So if, suddenly, someone I met did sprout tentacles, I’d be flipping out (after making sure they were real.) I would especially flip out if I’d never seen tentacles on tv before. It’d be like a creature suddenly sprouting… something I’m totally unfamiliar with.

I really don’t feel well, so I’m going to have to stop here.  Instead of booze I had to take cold medicine, for an actual cold, so I’m not even enjoying it. I’m not at all used to working through a haze of cold pills. I’ll try to get part 2 up tomorrow or something, and a Buttercream post will be coming either Monday, Tuesday, or Wensday.

The Buttercream Gang: Secret of Treasure Mountain part 3

I scheduled this to be posted today so I don’t know why it didn’t. Fortunately I kept backups this time, having learned that wordpress eats posts for breakfast on occasion.

Part 3

My H Key is still missing. I’ll try and proof read but in case I miss something, blame my keyboard.

When we last left our fearless heroes, they were in the treehouse waiting for Margaret to come by with the money they made from the skate races. Earlier it was said that the races cost $3 each, soooo wow. I thought fundraisers knew they had to make it cost more than THAT, right?

In any case, Scotty Boy licks his wounds about being beat by an 11 year old GIRL.

Eldon has to inform them that the lemonade stand not only didn’t MAKE any money, but he LOST $7. In the background, Eli is sitting in the treehouse writing something.

What? Eli looks like he’s Jessie’s age or younger. And they have no problem with HIM being a Buttercreamer, but God forbid JESSIE hold the title. Good Lord, I CAN’T with these people anymore!

Lanny: I told you not to invest in that dumb lemonade stand. You should’ve pulled together with me and Scott.

I agree that the lemonade stand was dumb, but… honestly I’m not seeing a reason Eldon should’ve stuck with them? I mean, if he’d raced Jessie, he only would’ve made an extra $3.

Eldon: Well I guess I can’t be as perfect as you guys!

He storms out of the treehouse, and Margaret and Jessie come up. Margaret actually shouts “Girls coming up!” like they need a warning. Lanny pulls a rope which triggers a “Keep Out” sign.

Buttercream boy: Hey, you know you’re not supposed to be up here.

Um, what? Margaret is a Buttercreamer. I guess they don’t consider Jessie one (but that’s stupid) but Margaret is the boys’ age. Why THE HELL is it a boys only club, still, even with female members?

Besides, they KNEW Margaret was coming by earlier, why THE HELL are they getting mad at her now? What did they expect her to do, throw the money at the treehouse? Boys need to get over their cooties thing. That was SO first grade.

Margaret is way cooler than I am about this whole thing. She strolls into the treehouse, ignoring the boys’ sexism, and asks where Eldon is off to in such a bad mood.

Which is probably a better way to handle it than what I would’ve done, actually, which would be to take Lanny and Scott and throw them headfirst out of the treehouse.

Margaret asks if the guys were teasing Eldon again, to which Lanny responds that they were just telling him the truth.

Yeah, in a teasing manner you stupid jerk.

Margaret doesn’t say that. I wish she would. Someone needs to kick these boys in the ego, because during this whole time Scott’s had this huge smirk on his face. No, I can’t get screenshots because technology issues.

Margaret explains that Eldon doesn’t feel like he belongs with the rest of the Buttercreamers, and I could point out that Margaret and Jessie have more right to feel that way because THEY’RE the ones who are constantly put down and marginalized because VAGINA.

Scott: Eldon needs to learn that we’re a team.

Me: And the team has to do the same thing all the time? Drop dead Scott.

Eli: I think Eldon knows that. Do you?

And then he storms out of the treehouse too.

I’m not sure I like Eli, but I don’t dislike him either. By the which I mean, I didn’t spend the entire movie wanting to punch his face in, so, the writers are improving?

The 2 boys are clueless, but ask Margaret for the money. Jessie announces it’s $38.65. She tells Scott she’s up for a rematch any time he is. Margaret says they’ve made the boys squirm enough for the day and leave.  I’m not sure what she means by that.  Are they supposed to be squirming because EWWWWW GIRLS!!!!! Or because Margaret was right about their treatment of Eldon?

I hope you weren’t curious, because We Don’t Get To Know.

The next scene is in Mr. Duncan’s lab. It’s dark, and the 2 buffoons are breaking in. They are the loudest burglars I’ve ever heard. I know this is a small town but seriously, even the smallest school I’ve ever been to in the tiniest town I’ve ever lived in had an alarm system. Why doesn’t Elkrige High?

There’s a boring scene where the fat man gets stuck in the window and they make A TON OF NOISE  getting him out. Thin buffoon (no, I don’t know their names) somehow has a bunch of needles in his forehead. I guess he landed on them? I blinked and missed it.

The 2 stumble helplessly around the lab. Buffoon one bangs into some windchimes, and…. wait, windchimes? In an Geology teacher’s office? Like, these are freakin’ huge windchimes just randomly chilling in a geologist’s office. They’re not even in a window where they could make a pretty sound, they’re just… by a desk with a fish tank. Ok then. This office also has a bunch of test tubes and chemicals.

And donuts, apparenty, as buffoon number 2 gets excited over them. Buffoon 1 gets scared by a skeleton, scared by a snake… I’m bored. Even as a kid I HATED it when the bad guys were buffoons.

Here comes Jessie and Margaret to NOT save me from my boredom. Jessie says sometimes it seems like Margaret really likes “that Scott.”

Margaret agrees that she kinda likes him like a boyfriend and then Jessie becomes less likeable as she says “yuck! boys are totally gross!”

Sigh. A kid can’t ever have a normal healthy of the opposite gender. They must either find the opposite gender disgusting or adorable.

When I was Jessie’s age, I saw boys as –gasp– HUMANS and potential friends! I wish writers would stop writing children in black and white like that. There are a zillion shades of in between “ew cooties!” and “be sure to wear a condem so you don’t GET cooties.” Seriously writers!

Anyway, Jessie and Margaret are walking by the school and, by the power of their awesome detective skills (by the which I mean, their fully functional EARS) they deduce that someone is in the school.

They see the buffoons running. Margaret first checks to see they’re ok, then discovers they have the map. She grabs it and they both run. Suddenly, the buffoons disappear! Margaret and Jessie prove to me that they have no brain cells by walking back and checking behind the dark dumpster.

Fortunately for them, they find buffoon #2 spread eagle on his back. Eldon peers out behind the dumpster.

Right, because heaven forbid the girls use their wits to save THEMSELVES, oh noooo can’t have THAT, they need a MAN to save them!

I’ve given myself a headache with all the eye rolling.

Eldon recognizes the buffoon as Amaldamar’s friend. And they’ve forgotten about buffoon number 1, who comes out to scare them, but fortunately for the kids is too incompetent to actually do anything to them.

They knock out the buffoons (or the buffoons knock themselves out, I can’t tell which) and tie them to the railing of the school.

I’m thinking now would be a good time to call the police, or maybe that would’ve been somewhere before if there had been time, but as we all know, the Buttercreamers are adverse to doing any such thing. You get the feeling they ARE the town’s police force and EMS all rolled into one.

Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll, chapter 5: Taking out the Trash

I’m gonna divide this chapter into parts because, this is taking a lot out of me to do it all at once. So I’ll try to get through half a chapter.

Chapter 5: Taking out the Trash

Just like every house accumulates trash that needs to be taken out regularly, we humans have sin that we need to repent of regularly.

All couples fight. The only couples the Driscolls have seen that don’t fight are either lying or living emotionally distant lives. When you get married, you WILL fight.

Maybe married people can give me more feedback: is this true or false? It has the ring of truth to it but it’s Driscoll, so that doesn’t mean much.

[quote] the question is, will you fight well to the glory of god and the good of your marriage?[/quote]

Lol whut? What does this even MEAN? I have no idea. Is this where you fight about how best to worship God? Maybe some married people could help me out here because I honestly odn’t get it.

There are 4 horsemen of marital death. I don’t think this is coming from Mark, I think he’s paraphrasing Dr. John Gottman, who he says is a marriage expert.

So, what ARE the 4 horsemen of the marital apocalypse? Someone please write a fanfiction about 4 horsemen of the marital apocalypse because that would be more interesting.

Horse man #1: Criticism. See, when you criticize your spouse, your attacking the person, not the problem.

Because Marky boy has never heard of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, apparently.

Horseman #2: Contempt. Contempt is showing disgust for your spouse. This can include behavior such as constant eye rolling, mocking, etc.

Horseman #3 is defensiveness. This occurs when people give nonpologies, or back down from the conflict. It is the excusing of behavior.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling. This is when we stop working toward oneness and instead settle for 2 parallel lives.

Because heaven forbid you be your own person, kiddies.

Stonewalling is when you have separate financial, social, and spiritual lives.

I actually don’t see a problem with this? I mean if you and your spouse have NOTHING in common, sure. But like, my mom, for example, has a separate checking account from my dad. Also, there are certain bills that are in her name only and not my dad’s. My eyes kinda glazed over when she was explaining this, but it was something to do with “in case something happens to your father.” I guess it looks better if some bills are in her name for some reason at that point?

So, in some cases, isn’t it GOOD to have a separate financial life? I even think it’s a good thing to have your own spiritual life, because your spirituality should be between you and God, and no one else. I’m not saying you can’t pray and read the bible together, but like, it just seems off to me that your relationship with God would include a 3rd person of necessity.

I also don’t see a reason against having some friends that aren’t mutual. One of my adult friends was explaining that her husband hangs around a certain group of friend sometimes, and she doesn’t like them. But she knows it’s important to her husband to hang out with them, and so her husband goes and does his thing and she does her thing, and then other times they visit with mutual friends.

So in some cases and in moderation I disagree that these things are bad.

Oh, and apparently husbands do 85% of the stonewalling. Citation needed.

The reason the 4 horsemen exist is sin, and I bet you can guess what the answer to that is! Or do I rreally need to tell you?

Mark then goes on to describe repentance. He presents to us the story of a woman who couldn’t afford to buy things she wanted, so she got a secret credit card and attempted to pay it off without her husband knowing. Except she kept buying more stuff, accumulating more debt, etc.

Finally she sat her husband down and confessed.

I… don’t really see how any of this was a sin? Yeah it was dumb to keep buying things she couldn’t afford, but wasn’t Marky-boy talking a few chapters ago how some things are not sins, but aren’t a good idea either? In fact, IIRC, one of the examples he used was a guy who spent every single penny on a new car. Mark said the man was stupid, but he wasn’t sinning.

Based on this, I’m guessing that the woman’s sin wasn’t living beyond her means, but rather, daring to have a financial life outside of her husband’s.

I’m gonna skip ahead a little bit here in the chapter, because Mark brings the story up again when he talks about forgiveness.

As an act of repentance, the wife (no, we don’t get a name, not even a fake one) cut up the credit card in front of him and promised never to do it again. Her husband forgave her, and admitted that her keeping it all a secret from him had hurt worse than her spending the money.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea to keep secrets like that from your spouse, especially if you’re in trouble. But OH GOOD GOD DRISCOLL!

It is OK if a wife wants her own credit card separate from her husband. Why is it a sin for her to get a secret credit card and blow money on things she doesn’t need, but it wasn’t a sin for the man to blow every penny on a car 2 chapters ago? Double standard much? Jezus Krist man!

To the husband in the story’s credit, he never mentioned the incident again because he didn’t want to shame his wife. the only reason Marky-boy knows about it is because the wife talks about it non stop.

Well, at least the husband tried, theoretically, not to shame her.

Alright, back to repentance. Mark rambles a bit about how Jesus never repented because he never sinned, so we can’t learn from him on this. Mark then makes a long list about what repentance is NOT. Let’s take a look:

1. About getting caught, but confessing.

What does your spouse not know about you?

So, it’s a sin to keep ANY secret from your spouse? Great. Reason #5,321 I never got married. There’s just some things I don’t want to share.

2. Denying our sin

what sins are in your life that you have simply not accepted as sin that has to be dealt with honestly?

3. diminishing our sin

What have you partially confessed about?

4. Managing our sin

what sins are we trying to keep under control so that no one we respect sees them?

5. blame shifting our sin

What ways have you blamed others for YOUR sin?

6. someone else’s sin

Do you bring up someone else’s sin, instead of focusing on your own?

7. manipulating God or other people for blessing

Have you ever faked repentance in order to try and manipulate God and or other people?

8. worldly sorrow

See, non christians feel bad about their sin, but they don’t see it as an offense to god, and they don’t hate their sin for what it does to God [b]and others[/b] (bolding mine.)

Here that all you heathens? you can’t ever repent, because you don’t care about what your sin does to other people!

9. Merely grieving the consequences of your sin, but hating the sin itself

I (Trynn) think this one is pretty self explanatory, and Mark doesn’t do a good job of explaining it anyway. It’s basically where you hate the fact that your best friend doesn’t talk to you anymore because you gossiped about her, rather than the fact that you hurt your friend when you gossiped.

10. Mere confession

you can’t just say you’re sorry, you have to really change.

so, after that megalist of what repentance ISN’T, are you ready to read about what is? Are you ready to feel excluded because you’re not a Christian? Good.Here is Mark’s list of what Repentance(tm) is:

1. Confession.

Confess before God that you’ve sinned. Confession includes both mind and mouth.

2. Contrition

When you feel what God feels about your sin. This involves both emotions and expressions. your heart is affected, not just your words.

3. Change

Stop sinning and start worshiping. Change includes your will and your works.

Here that all you heathens? Not only do you have to stop sinning, you have to start worshiping.

He doesn’t say in this sentence WHAT I have to worship, however. Can I pick my dog? I love my dog. She’s so cute. Here’s a picture.

[URL=http://s10.photobucket.com/user/NindeDios777/media/DSCN3239.jpg.html][IMG]http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a148/NindeDios777/DSCN3239.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

Sorry. I needed emergency dogs, apparently.

And that’s it. After his super long list about what Repentance is not, we only have 3 definitions of what it actually IS.

The next section is on forgiveneness, but for sanity’s sake I need to save it for another day. Actually, that’s a little bit untrue, I’m just running out of vodka.

This next section is on forgiveness. It’s not terrible, but there are some WTF moments.

Mark talks about how you need to forgive your spouse, because Jesus forgave you. After all, no one has been sinned against more than God, and we’ve hurt him more than anyone else. God could be a very bitter person, and isntead he sent Jesus to die for us.

If Mark doesn’t think God is bitter, he must never have read the Old Testament. Juuuuust sayin’.

More talk about God forgiving us. He repeats himself a lot using different words.

Lists! Because we like lists in this chapter:

What forgivness is not:

1. denying, approving, or diminishing the sin that is comitted against us.

We can’t say, “it’s fine, no big deal” when it really ISN’T fine and it IS a big deal.

2. Naivety.

Naive people ignore sin rather than forigving it, because they don’t really see the sinfulness of sin.

3. enabling sin

Don’t be complicit in the sinner’s actions

4. Waiting for someone to apologize

We need to forgive because God does, not whether or not the person who sinned against us repents

5. forgetting about sin committed against us

It’s impossible to forget such things. But we need to not constantly bring it up to people.

6. Dying emotionally and no longer feeling the pain of the transgression.

We still feel the pain, but choose not to be paralyzed by it.

7. A one time event

Those who have been sinned against may feel fresh waves of anger, and need to continually forgive.

8. Reconciliation

9. Neglecting justice

If someone has committed a crime, you’re free to forgive the person AND call the police. Also, by not seeking vengeance, we are trusting God to punish him in the end.

So, now that we’ve gotten a long list of what forgiveness ISN’T, what does Drizcoll say it is”

[quote]Forgiveness is loving despite sin. Just as God forgives undeserving sinners, we must too.[/quote]

Forgiveness is loving despite sin.

The next subsection of the Chapter is entitled bitterness. Because in Christian Land, this is one of The Big Sins.

Mark starts the section with a story about how, when he was a little boy, he saw a tree in his yard he didn’t like, so he took his father’s handsaw and cut it down. He thought he’d taken care of the problem (there’s no mention at all as to whether or not his parents were pissed) btu the tree just grew back the next spring! This is because the tree had roots.

Bitterness also has roots.

[/quote] The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. And the only alternative to bitterness is forgiveness.[/quote]

So, according to Marky boy, we must either forgive, or we’re bitter. This is why victims often get silenced; they are accused of being bitter and told they need to forgive. This teaching, therefore, is harmful.

Marky boy continues to talk about bitterness, and how it affects families. He says children are affected by the bitterness of their parents, whole gerneations affected, circles of friends poisoned, and

[quote] entire churches can be consumed with demonic drama that proceeds from one tongue speaking on behalf of a bitter heart.[/quote]

Wow, guilt trip much? Forgive people or you’ll grow bitter, and then you’ll be singlehandedly for destroying a while church!

In which case, sign me up, because I would DEARLY love to have that kind of power.

Those who are bitter often have a good reason to be angry. This includes cases of abuse. You’re more likely to be bitter if the person who sins against you is close to you.

Paul told us to put away lying and speak the truth, to deal with bitterness. I bet if you look that verse up in context it’s not about bitterness at all, but I’m lazy and sober. We have a tendency to want to blame others for our bitterness.

[quote]The truth is, people, even the worse of them, do not embitter us. Rather, they provide an opportunity, or temptation, to choose bitterness, for which we are morally responsible.[/quote]

Here that kids? If you don’t forgive, you WILL be bitter, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

Jackass.

It’s ok to be angry, but it is not ok to sin in your anger. We also have to be careful we don’t confuse righteous anger with unrighteous bitterness.

Whatever the hell that means.

To illustrate an example of bitterness, Mark is going to give us a little history lesson about John and Charles Wesley, the founders of methodism.

Charles and his wife had a lovely marriage, bla bla. John, however, had a very bitter marriage. Some called his marriage to Molly “the 30 year war.” John traveled a lot for his ministry, but his wife wanted him home more often. She was bitter that he traveled so often, and he was bitter that she wanted him to travel less. Instead of forgiving and repenting, they became bitter enemies.

Even I have to admit this doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage, but it doesn’t sound like “repenting and forgiving” was the problem. The problem sounded like the stubborn lack of compromise on John’s part.

Molly tried to sabotage his ministry by writing damaging letters, one of which claiming John had had an affair. John of course denied the charges. Their fights came down to physical violence.

John wrote letters to multiple women, which made Molly jealous. Their final years were spent apart.

Marriage either gets bitter or better. The gospel is the only answer to the bitterness and anger victims feel.

Yeah I got told that a lot too, anybody have any better answers because personally even when I was a Christian the bible never did anything for me.

And… that’s really all the important stuff Marky boy has to say on the subject. He goes on for a bit about the evils of being bitter, but he’s basically repeating what he said else where in the book. In the next section, we will learn how to have “a good fight”which, as he describes it, seriously doesn’t sound to me like fighting, but having a serious, respectful discussion.