This review is long in coming, because I had to throw in some abstinence days, and there is no way in hell I can watch this movie without booze. You see, this movie isn’t nearly as bad as it’s predecessor –it’s WORSE. The first movie at least passed the “can I watch it while sober” test. This one… doesn’t. It somehow manages to take something exciting (looking for buried treasure) and make it wicked boring.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the movie, here’s the description from amazon.
[quote] A monk’s counsel is as clear as the desert air: “Sometimes the greatest treasure you can ever find is within yourself.” And the words are well-timed wisdom to ButterCreamer Eldon after he finds part of an ancient map and becomes intrigued with the search for hidden treasure. Unaware that danger lurks in the shadows, Eldon talks the other ButterCreamers into helping hunt for conquistador gold – as a way to help their ailing and needy friend, Mr. Graff. But Eldon almost lets his secret wish for fame disrupt those plans. The young man must discover something more precious than gold – that being a true hero is often nothing more than caring enough to help someone in need and persevering until that need is met. [/quote]
I am going to TRY to get this done in 5 parts or less. Laugh at me now because that is sooo not happening, partly because I have a life and partly because I can’t handle that much booze in one setting. These reviews will likely be rather short.
Apparently FFF doesn’t like hearing impaired persons, because this movie has no options for subtitles. There’s a parents’ guide in the bonus material that we will be going over at the end of these reviews. No, I don’t know how long they’re going to take me. It’s hard because I have crippling depression, a real life, and am only convinced that one or two people are reading these. Whatever, *I* like doing it, that’s what matters.
Michael D Weatheredd is not in this movie. Which is sad because Pete was the most interesting character in the first movie hands down, BUT Elton was the second most interesting, so, this is as good as we’re going to get.
The scene opens in Elkridge, in the year 1562. 3 men dressed like pilgrims?
They’re walking with a big chest. 2 of them have an argument about why one men fell, and then the Indians find them. As one of the Indian turns his back to us, I think I can see his underpants. But I didn’t look too closely.
They run from the Indians. Next we are shown a cave, with the voice over saying a verse of scripture: But when you are invited to the house, go and sit in the lowest room, that when he comes, he may say unto thee “friend, go up higher.”
That verse never made much sense to me either, but I’m guessing it did in Jesus’ time, because 2,000 years ago is 2,000 years ago and I am 2,000 years into Jesus’ future.
We then see a man writing these words. Then we are shown… a different part of the cave? The 3 men drop the treasure chest, which we are shown is full of gold coins.
Seriously? That was dumb. Apparently Apple doesn’t allow you to take screen grabs of your own dvds. I had to find another way to play it. This one the quality is kind of less but whatever. Rawr Apple, you used to be so good and then you just got so BAD.
In any case, I figured out how to grab them, so it’s good.
Ah, it turns out that the old man is the father of the 3 men, and he said they returned sooner than he expected.
Man1: we must leave at once, many savages are pursuing us
Man 2: I refuse to let our gold fall into the wrong hands!
Apparently man 2 is the captain, and the other 2 men are all that remains of his crew. Except for some reason the captain refuses to claim them? When asked how many of his crew is left, the two men put their arms around each other and smile.
Priest: Then I cannot help you.
Captain: (drawing his sword) May I remind you of your holy obligation to the British Empire. you will help us or I will offer you to these savages in return for my life.
Whoops. Looks like when they called him “father” they meant more like, “priest.” Whoopsie.
There’s some talk about how the Indians will fight for their land.
The captain cuts up the map, so they each have only part of it. 3 pieces total. Then he makes them all promise to be loyal to him and serve him and his family, to the 7th generation, till the gold comes into his (or his families’) hands again. The two men, who are at gunpoint, swear.
The priest crosses himself and prays before the treasure chest. Then he buries it for safe keeping.
Priest: And may the earth forever keep it safe, rather than letting it fall into the wrong hands.
We are then shown an Indian looking for the treasure, but not finding it. So, Native Americans are the wrong hands for gold, apparently.
Next we’re shown a scene of a Buttercream Boy waterboarding? No, water SKIING. He’s doing really badly. Hey look, I see persons of color! This movie definitely has more diversity than the last one. I take back some of the things I said about racism in the last movie, but not all, because Hispanics are bad because gangs and oh look, Pete is Hispanic and he totally looks it because….um…. look a butterfly!
Anyway, as Elton tries (and fails) to water ski, we’re shown Margaret, Mr. Duncan, and some kids I don’t recognize walking along the shore with a metal detector. Because of course Margaret couldn’t be with the boys water skiing. She’s wearing a very modest bathing suit under a long ish jacket.
Which, for the 1990s, wasn’t really out of place. So, the makers of this movie are not for wholesome swimwear, And I get the impression the jacket is more for warmth than modesty.
Also, I haven’t seen anyone USE a metal detector since the 1990s. Even then I don’t remember it being too popular. In any case, Margaret asks Mr. Duncan if he wants to try water skiing, but he says he’ll leave all that to his nephew Elton. Or maybe not, since Eldon is really really bad at it. Then he talks about how persistence is very important, moreso than skill. Scotty boy tells Eldon not to give up, because Buttercreamers never give up.
I’m resisting the urge to quote Galaxy Quest: Never give up, Never surrender!
Whoops, guess I just quoted the Tim Allen’s character from Galaxy Quest.
Elton decides he’s got too many skis and decides to try using only one. Since he has no wakeboard, I suspect the kid is going to break his leg.
My prediction turns out to be false.
Eldon: I’ll master this waterskiing if it’s the last thing I do
Eli: Normally, I’d say don’t hold your breath, but in this case you’d better.
Such a nice new Buttercreamer we have here! I have to say, this movie is better than it’s parent about introducing characters. We’re not even 10 minutes into the movie (unless you count the thing with the Spanish people in helmets) and I know at least 2 new character’s names: Mr. Duncan, and Eli. I feel like that’s a record for this company, so, progress, I guess.
We’re shown a shot of a little girl playing with a rope
Unfortunately, the rope is still attached to a boat. I feel like someone her age should be able to figure that out but what do I know. Anyway, shots of the girl playing are interspersed with scenes of Scott successfully waterskiing as Eldon tries to take off one ski and somehow only balance on it.
Meanwhile, Mr. Duncan gets excited because Jessie finds an old Indian arrowhead. Mr. Duncan gets extremely excited, and says it could be 100-300 years old. He knows this because he is a junior high science teacher.
Eldon is the first to notice Sarah is in danger, and tries to get off his other ski so he can. He ends up falling in the lake as Scott rescues Sarah, and is then hugged by a grateful mother.
Which…. the mother was actually really close by and paying attention. She starts screaming for someone to help her little girl. Why didn’t she just go down there and start frantically trying to untangle the rope? Why did she wait for Scott and Lanny to do it?
Oh right. Women in this movie are still semi useless. But at least we get some scenes of Jessie being cool, so I’ll try to suck on that little pacifier they threw my way.
Eldon is disappointed he didn’t get to be the hero. I can sympathize with that. Lanny tries to cheer him up by saying it was a group effort (It wasn’t, Eldon was too busy flailing about on his skis, but he gets credit from me for trying.)
Lanny tells Eldon he’s the Buttercream clown who makes them laugh. Eldon says they don’t need a clown, Lanny argues a bit, then agrees. I disagree, by the way. Everyone needs someone to make them laugh. Eldon climbs onto the dock and says, “Just once I’d like to be the hero instead of Scott.”
And I’d like for Scott to be knocked off his high horse too, so we’re in agreement.
Mr. Duncan takes the gang to the cliffs… hang on, there were no cliffs in the last movie, where did they come from? We spent a lot of time with Scott and Pete at the lake in the last movie with no cliffs in sight. And where is Elkridge supposed to be located? When reading up on the last movie, I was under the impression it was supposed to be a rural town in Maine. I don’t think Spanish explorers came to Maine in the 1500s. Actually, would they even have set foot on the North American continent in the 1500s?
Mr. Duncan Talks to Eli about the origin of the Buttercream Gang which, since he’s part of it, he probably already knows. Wow this old clunker of a computer takes FOREVER to start playing again after I un pause it and crashes frequently. This wouldn’t have happened if I could’ve used Apple’s movie player.
Mr. Duncan doesn’t even know what they’re looking for. “A sign saying ‘Spanish Conquistadors slept here.'”
Eldon finds something with Spanish writing on it. Eli sounds like he speaks Spanish, but it’s never stated outright. He says it’s 6 or 7 months old and looks like the twist off cap from a bottle of Mexican Beer.
How does Eli know what Mexican Beer caps look like, anyway? This movie was made by a Mormon company, aren’t Mormons against drinking? At least, that’s what Elizabeth Smart said in her book I just read.
Scott finds a dubloon, and everyone gets really excited. Eldon feels bad and storms off.
He comes across a group of little girls, one of whom falls and scrapes her knee. And starts crying.
Eldon stops to make sure she’s ok, comforts her a bit and tells her to run along and ask uncle will (Mr. Duncan) for a bandaid.
I give Margaret credit for going after Eldon when he runs off because oh yeah, she’s following him and still doesn’t manage to catch up even though the hurt girl has slowed him down.
I actually sympathize with Eldon. I used to want a little credit too. Still like it when it comes my way, actually, and I think the human race in general just likes to be appreciated.
A littler boy, Connor, follows after Margaret as she runs after Eldon. When she finds Eldon, Margaret tells Connor to “stay.” Like he’s a dog.
I need more booze.
Those kids are NOT wearing appropriate shoes for traipsing around the cliffs. I mean the little kids, not the older ones. The older ones are wearing what looks like hiking sandals, Except for Margaret, who is in flip flops.
Is this guy the same actor who played Mr. Graff in the first movie? A quick google search reveals it is, he just shaved. Stupid prosopognosia! Yes, WordPress, that IS a real word. Jeez.
Eldon says just once he’d like to be a hero and have everyone know it. Instead of listening like a good friend, Margaret cuts him off
She already thinks Eldon is a hero, because:
Margaret: you’re nice, you’re funny. my mom always says that real heroes are the ones that help others without their knowing it, without all the praise.
Seriously? In the movie this girl is supposed to be 14/15 ish. She should have better reasons by now than, “my mom says.” If she agrees so much with what her mom says, why isn’t she saying the same thing while omitting the “my mom says” part? Seriously!
Eldon: my mom says the same thing over and over.
Margaret tells him he should come back to the group, but Eldon decides he needs some alone time.
When Margaret is gone, he decides that if the rains washed that coin down, maybe there’s still stuff up there.
Eli sounds the alarm that Eldon is “in a precarious situation” and proceeds to act like a walking dictionary when the other boys ask him to define precarious and seriously? THESE PEOPLE JUST GRADUATED JR HIGH! The word “precarious” was in my THIRD GRADE vocabulary quiz. And that’s about the age I’d guess Eli to be. Seriously, writers!
Everybody tells Eldon he should get down, because waht he is doing is dangerous.
For once, I agree.
When Elton tells them his logic about the rain washing down the doubloon, Mr. Duncan says the cliff face is so soft anything would’ve fallen into the lake 100 years ago. Pretentious adults, exactly what this movie needs.
Eldon falls a little ways down the cliff, finding a stick with an ancient bit of parchment around it as he falls the rest of the way down the cliff.
Mr. Duncan stops Eldon. They shouldn’t unwrap the document because it’s really old and they could crumble it. Mr. Duncan says he’s going to take it very carefully to an expert. Finally, someone in this movie starts making some sense!
Eldon gets a hearty congratulations.
Mr. Graff had a heart attack and is forced to sell his house. The reverend explains it to them. Since Mr. Graff owns the property the treehouse is on, Mr. Graff isn’t just losing his house, they are losing their treehouse. To his credit, Eldon says that Mr. Graff’s losing his house is worse than them losing their treehouse.
Mr. Graff comes along and is happy the Buttercreamers have been helping. It was supposed to be a surprise, apparently.
A real estate agent comes with potential buyers. The woman gives Eldon a kiss on the cheek, leaving behind red lipstick. These adults behave like caricatures. It’s too stupid.
The man shows Eldon his book on how to get rich, which costs $49.95
The woman calls Mr. Graff a “cute old man” and starts fake crying because he reminds her of her “dear old daddy.”
I have seen men who remind me of grandpa, who passed away recently, but I would never presume to speak to them like this woman does. She is just so disrespectful and condescending and NO HUMAN BEING ACTUALLY BEHAVES THIS WAY IN REAL LIFE. (by the which I mean the over the top fakeness, not the disrespectful and condescending part.)
Man: Hi, I’m Mr. I can’t catch his name, and I like to think of myself as an author. Perhaps you’ve heard of my book, how to make a million dollars with nothing down
Eldon: you can do that?
Man: sure, just buy my book for $49.95
Scott: I thought you said nothing down.
Unfortunately, Eldon looks interested. He says he can make the money for the book, easy. The man gives him a piece of paper, saying that Eldon can send him the money for it when he gets it.
The man and woman exit the stage, and thank God we never see them again. But we get to hear all about Eldon wanting that book. Seriously, this guy is just about to start high school, he should know better.
The Buttercreamers set out on a mission to save Mr. Graff’s house. Eldon says, “I know what I can do” and runs off. The other boys follow Eldon, who bikes out on a road to the middle of nowhere, and then we get treated to a fantasy he has of him being the hero and congratulated by everyone and then Margaret will like him instead of Scott…
Eldon apparently has gone to Uncle Will’s lab, where he begs his uncle to unroll the scroll, because he has to know what he found.
Well, what DID he find? Is it merely an old band poster? Is it a treasure map? A page from a porn novel? tune in next time to find out!