The Donut Repair Club: Barnyard Fun

The Donut Repair Club

Life without Jesus is like a donut—there’s a great big hole inside you.

This post is brought to you by:

Smirnoff (always drink responsibly!)

Oreo Cookies (enjoy with milk)

and my teddy bear, Billy. Because Teddy bears make scary talking donuts aaaaaaallll better.

I told my friend Jason (which may or may not be his real name) about this review. Here is a transcript of that conversation:

Me: but some of the other ones I’m doing, like the buttercream gang, the donut repair club, McGee and Me…. actually the talking donut scared me as a child

Jason: donut repair club? what the hell?

Me: hang on, lemme see if I can find a nice SHORT youtube clip for you

Jason: Let me see this.

Me: *finds youtube clip*

Jason: WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK WAS THAT!?!?!

Jason: You had to watch that?

Me: I TOLD YOU

Jason: I don’t even know what to say….

Jason: That was……

Jason: Just wow

Jason: That is creepy on a whole new level

Me: the motto of the club was “life without Jesus is like a donut, there’s a great big hole in the middle of your life”

Jason: A great big hole in your life?!?!?!

Jason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I told him I would happily pay money to see the look on his face right now (this was over instant messenger) but unfortunately he declined to send me a picture.

And that is the reaction of the uninitiated to The Donut Repair Club. Where they repair Donuts… or something.

For the record, I asked my secular friend if he had a hole in his heart since he didn’t have Jesus, and he responded with “I’ve been trying to cut a hole in order to get Jesus and religion out of my life.”

That just proves it kids, everybody without Jesus has a great big hole in their life. Eyeroll.

Like all TV shows of the 1990s, this one starts with a custom made theme song:

Apparently today’s episode is called “Barnyard Fun,” and will feature The Donut Repair Man

The Donut Repair Club flashes across the screen as we cut to a picture of a cow

So, the Donut Repair Club is run by cows? Oh if only.

The song sings about how God is a farmer and he makes all things grow. I tried to get a good screenshot of the singing and dancing kids, but everything was pretty blurry, and this was the best I could get:

That pink box that girl (Yes, it’s a girl, not a boy as I first thought) is holding in front? Yeah, I can’t make it out very clearly either. That, my friends, is Duncan the Donut.

Anyway, the kids continue to sing about God and how he makes all things grow. I’m tempted to post lyrics, and if I can find them, I will, but don’t count on it. These shows were made before posting song lyrics on the internet was popular. Actually, I’m pretty sure these shows actually predate the internet.

Something like:

Grow, grow God makes things grow.

He’s the one I want to know. He’s the one I want to know.

Since I am WAY shorter than the average human, I’ve started singing THESE lyrics:

Shrink, shrink, God makes thinks shrink

he’s the one I never wanna know

he’s the one I never wanna know.

Ok, I decided to go back and grab the real lyrics

God is a farmer and he wants us to know

he makes the flowers and the trees to grow

something something something tree (no subtitles, again)

it’s good for you and it’s good for me

and then the chorus is grow grow god makes things grow…. etc.

There’s some cute footage of animals, and then more singing about how God makes whatever seed I sow grow. Actually, I’ve planted lots of plants that never sprung, sooooo where was God when I was planting my garden?

The Donut Man whatshisname talks to the kids who are very excited about helping out “Aunt Alice and Uncle Jim?” On the farm. They’re going to help with the planting. The kids, however, are excited about riding horses, tractors, and cow tipping. Actually they didn’t say that last one, I added it because I thought it’d be more interesting.

Donut: can I help too?

Donut man: Sure you can, come on!

He and the children go back to hopping and skipping. Yes, even the grownup skips and hops.

I’m reeeeeeeally craving donuts right now, you guys.

Hey look, there’s a Token Black Child(tm) on the far right. Hi Token Black Child! I wonder if that was actually intentional? I have no idea. In any case.

The kids spot Aunt Alice, and it looks like there’s something wrong. No, we don’t get to see what, but they all start running. Hmm. I wonder what could be wrong? Maybe the goats are eating her hair.

At first I thought it was Alice with the broken ankle, but then I realize it’s Jim, and he’s got a broken LEG. Whoopsie. Folks, this is why I haven’t graduated EMT school yet.

Bob: Alice, Jim, what’s wrong?

Jim: just about everything I’m afraid

Me: Does that mean the barn is on fire? FIRE! *starts singing the song* or….. not.

No, everything went wrong except the barn is on fire. Silly me, I should’ve known better.

Apparently Uncle Jim was trying to fix some rotten boards on a balcony up in the barn. He fell clean through and he thinks he broke his leg. The Donut Repair Club decides to pray, instead of calling for emergency services.

I do have to give Mr. Adult Donut Man here credit. Instead of putting his hand on Jim’s broken leg (which would probably REALLY hurt and cause all kinds of problems, especially if the femur is broken) he puts his hand on Jim’s GOOD leg as he prays. To certain groups of people that seems backwards, but that is actually… I’m impressed. I wasn’t expecting basic courtesy from the Donut Repar Man, Rob, Bob, whatever his name is. So I have to give credit where it’s due. (Note: I know the actor’s leg isn’t REALLY broken, but still. I did go through some EMT school and we get picky about these sorts of things.)

It’s possible, depending on which part of his leg Jim broke, that it would be safe to drive him to the hospital himself, and in fact, that’s probably what should be done. However, if he thinks he broke the thigh bone, then he needs an ambulance, because a broken thigh bone can slice through a certain artery and cause real problems. Or so I remember from EMT school.

The man prays.Then:

Donut Man: it’s not that bad is it?

Sigh. The two farmers talk about all the work that needs to be done, and why it would be an epic disaster if it gets neglected. I’m sure my readers are smart enough to work all this out for themselves, so I’ll save on space and spare you the list.

Bob: I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do, you’re gonna take care of Uncle Jim

Aunt Alice: But–

Bob: and the kids and I will take care of the farm

The kids look excited.

Alice: Oh but we can’t let you do that

I kind of agree, actually. I know Alice is saying it to be polite, but I still think they can’t let these people be in charge of the farm without making sure they know how to care for the animals. Of course, this is kind of an emergency situation, so I forgive them.

Don’t worry Alice, says YellowShirt, we’ll take care of everything.

I love the 1990s style of clothing being showcased here…. juuuuuust saying

Bob: You take care of everything. Get Jim to the doctor. We’ll take care of everything here.

Well, at least they are getting poor Uncle Jim to the doctor, so, props for that, I guess.

Aunt Alice: (taking a necklace off) Here, would you mind holding onto grandmother’s pears? I don’t want to take them into the city

Wait, what?

Why not? Is the city so horrible that she will have the pearls stolen right off her neck? And wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to the house and put them in like, a jewelry box? If I had a prized piece of jewelry, I certainly wouldn’t entrust it to anybody if I didn’t have to. And really, there’s no reason for her to worry about wearing them in the city.

I predict that this is a setup for a plot device in which Bob (or the kids) loses the pearls. I can not possibly be wrong. And it’s so obvious and so stupid….

Bob Promises to look after the pearls, saying he understands, and slips them into his pocket.

Jeez, what city do they live in that she can’t wear her pearl necklace? Depending on the city, wouldn’t people just assume they were fake anyway? And don’t country people sometimes dress up specially for a trip to the city?

And why would you wear a pearl necklace around on a farm on a day when you plan on doing a lot of farm chores? I mean, that just… it doesn’t seem… Actually, if you look closely at what Aunt Alice is wearing, that is not a “chores around the farm” outfit. That is definitely a “go into the city” outfit. Yet Uncle Jim is wearing jeans and a plaid shirt. The man is dressed for work, the woman isn’t. Why….. what…. I don’t even….

This is seriously how they plan to transport him to the hospital. This probably wasn’t illegal back when this was shot (though I believe it is now) but isn’t this still a really dangerous way to transport him? I mean, they don’t even have blankets to stabilize his leg, to keep it from moving around. Like I said, broken femur could=bad news. If they’re taking him down back country roads,it might still be legal, in which case, ow, poor Jim; do you know how bumpy those roads can be, and do you know how much those can hurt a broken leg? We went over that in EMT school too. And again, even though he’s got a bandage around the lower part of his leg, he keeps grabbing his upper leg, which, may I remind you, is a really bad sign because a broken femur can be dangerous and slice through arteries.

(Also is a sign of inconsistency in the story, but that’s beside the point.)

They need to AT LEAST stabilize the leg with blankets to keep it from moving around too much, but they possibly should put ice on the affected area to keep the swelling down. That last one I’m a bit fuzzy on, but poor uncle Jim is not going to have an easy time of it and could possibly die like that.

Donut: We’re going to be farmers farmers farmers, dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig….

I want to eat this donut RIGHT NOW to shut him up. Seriously, how did grown ass adults think this was good entertainment for children? Not only that, how did they decide it was better than The Lion King?

Donut keeps singing:

plant the animals plant the animals feed the seeds, feed the seeds…..

Bob laughs. I crave donuts. Goddammit, this is gonna ruin my diet. At least during veggie tales I wasn’t craving vegetables, even though I normally like vegetables more than donuts….

And this donut has an unnaturally high voice. Like a male trying to sound like a female (and failing miserably…. or like someone has been sucking on a helium balloon.)

Bob: Duncan! You don’t plant the animals and feed the seeds, That’s not how you farm

Like we needed him to explain that to us.

Duncan: Do you know how to farm

Bob: Well, not exactly

Kids: You don’t?!

Bob: no, I must admit, I’ve never spent much time on a farm, but hey, what do you really need to know, it can’t be that hard

So much for his promises to Uncle Jim and Aunt Alice. I haven’t done much farm work before, and even I can tell you that…. ummm that there’s probably stuff you need to know. Like how to milk a cow. Surprisingly, it is not as easy as just pulling on the teats. There’s a little trick to it. Ask me how I know that. Ask me if I’ve ever milked a cow before. Ask me if I’ve ever actually learned what that trick is. Well, the answer is no, but I’ve read about it in a book, so I know it’s not as easy as it looks.

Bob: anyway, if the animal is hungry, you feed it. Come on

Um, Bob? what about certain animals that will literally eat until they vomit and then eat again? What do you do about them? We had this discussion at horse camp when I was 11. I know he can’t google the information, but it’s a farm. There’s got to be books around that discuss this sort of thing.

Bob takes the children to the chicken coop.

Bob: all we need to do is fine some feed

Ok maybe it’s not a chicken coop, because he talks about throwing the bucket of feed in the trough. He manages to straddle the fence in a totally normal way, and still lose his balance and fall.

Yeah, he’s TOTALLY unstable. Well, maybe mentally….

Even –I– could do this, folks. There is an art to falling in movies.Bob doesn’t have it. Whatever, low budget, moving right along.

The donut thinks this is hilarious and that Bob should do it again. I don’t see anything funny about it.

Bob: I don’t know kids, let’s face it; we don’t know how to farm.

So, what do we do?

May I make a suggestion? Telephones were a thing back when this was made. There’s definitely one around somewhere, even out in the country. Find a telephone, find a phone book (a phone book is that thing we older people used to use back in the dark ages before we had every single phone number in our cell phones or the ability to google. It’s a book with a list of people’s names and the names of businesses, and phone numbers of said people and businesses), look up a farmer in the phone book, call him up, explain the situation, and ask the farmer what to do.

Ha! Silly me, I bet the real answer is prayer.

And…. I’m right. Bob does know someone who knows everything about farming. Unfortunately, it does not involve calling a real one up on the telephone.

And, oh my god! It’s been FIVE WHOLE MINUTES since we’ve last sang a SONG! We need to fix that now. Right now.

The song goes something like “God knows about everything…. about the wind and the clouds and the rain, yes god knows everything.”

I have to wonder if these kids are just lip synching now and if they recorded this song for real earlier in an actual studio, or if they are really singing all this right now on a farm set somewhere? It sounds like the former, and I’m sure somewhere there used to exist cassette tapes of all these songs.

Bob: So, kids, you think God knows everything?

Kids: yeah!

Bob: Then let’s get to work

When I was a Christian, I too, believed that God knows everything. However, what I also believed is that you had to help yourself. For example, Pray that God would help you know what to do, then maybe you get the idea to call a farmer. I would consider that an answer to prayer. Or,  you could pray Dear God, help me find a farmer who will be nice and understanding and really help me. And then you call someone, and he’s like, the nicest person in the world when you explain your situation and does everything he can to help you.

You have to reach out to take the hand God is holding out to you.

There’s footage of the kids taking care of various animals, to the background of music saying what various animals do (dogs bark, horses neigh) but animals can’t do one thing: Praise the Lord! That’s the one thing I can do that animals can’t!

I can think of a whole nother list of things we can do that animals can’t, but nevermind.

These songs aren’t great, but, for children’s Christian songs in the 1990s, they aren’t actually terrible. I remember Cedarmont Kids songs, and quite frankly, these seem similar, though Cedarmont never wrote their own songs like these writers are clearly doing. And compared to what else was on the market at the time, it’s not that bad. Compare to, say, the songs in Psalty. No, I was never subjected to that as a child, yes, if someone points me to a full video on youtube, I will review it. (Even as an adult, Psalty creeped me out.)

Soooo props, I guess? Someone once told me they loved the songs from these shows, but had never seen the actual movies. I guess I could see loving these songs if I’d never seen the creepy talking donut.

Also, hey, how did this girl learn to milk a cow so quickly? It’s not that easy, really! Oh wait, God told her, silly me.

Ok, this is a legitely creepy screenshot that happens during the song

I get that Bob is pretending to be  a horse, but I still think it’s… odd.

I was unable to get a good screenshot of it, but next we are shown Bob and a child having a fight by throwing hay at each other. Right, because THAT’S not going to be a horrible thing to have to clean up later, idiots.

After this song we get a girl telling us how hard this is, in case we think it looks easy

Other kid I can’t see: yeah, and hot

I’m really hot just sitting here, actually. It’s 27 C and 67% humidity. I am DYING.

Bob: nobody ever said farming would be easy

ok, are the two little blonde girls twins? I can’t tell, but they look an awful lot alike to me. They appear to be the same size and, when I can see their faces, those look alike too. Actually, I’m face blind, so, just tell me if they’re really twins or if I’m face blind

Compare these two closeups

other blonde girl: I’m tired, but I feel good

Bob: It does feel good when you work hard for someone else.

The cynical side of me is going to argue that any sort of hard work tends to get the endorphins pumping, but Bob is probably right; doing good things for others can indeed give you a very nice endorphin rush. That’s why a lot of the conservative Christians in my circle prescribe it as a cure for depression.

I’m not sure why I’m taking these out of my pocket…. i think I’m trying to make a point here…

Uh oh. Bob just brought the pearls out of his pocket. Disaster is imminent.

Bob: I believe God brought us here to teach us a lesson about how he wants us to work for him. like those pigs over there (camera shows shot of pigs snorting)

Me: Oh good god, Bob is about to accidentally throw the pearls to the pigs, isn’t he? Like that bible verse “Do not cast your pearls before swine.” I am cringing, because I know what is coming.

I just asked my friend Jason if it was creepy that I wanted to eat the talking donut. He said that no, the donut had genuinely scared me as a child, and that wanting to eat him was a defense mechanism. Good old Jason, always making me feel better about myself.

So, I was texting and missed the part where he actually threw the pearls, but, he threw them, ok? I think it was an accident.

Bob: oh no!

I’m a pig! I’m so bad! Look at me being so bad I stomp on pearls, snort snort!

Anyway, this pig, which is really a Muppet like thing, sings about how he likes to stomp on pearls when he sees them on the ground, and how he’s a pig, and….it’s bad, ok? Just… bad. I hope this song wasn’t on those cassettes.

He then sings even more about how great stomping on a pearl is. Ok? I don’t understand this? Why would stomping on pearls be fun? I have to admit I never stomped on pearls before but I…. just…. don’t….

The pig then brags singing about how he doesn’t listen in Sunday school…. and from that alone I KNOW they didn’t put this song on the cassette

I think… I am phyiscally ill….

In any case,  the children are  plainly disturbed. As am I.

Is this song over yet? It has gone on for way too long as is, at least 30 seconds. I can’t tell because I had to pause constantly to go outside and get some air. There is seriously not enough alcohol in the world for this.

this is another girl’s reaction to the song. We see other children doing similar things. I didn’t get a screen grab of them because I wasn’t fast enough, and I have no desire to go back and repeat this awful song to get them.

Wait a minute, WHERE DID THE SINGING BIRD COME FROM? There was no singing bird in this before?!

A random singing bird. There are no birds in this song. Except this random singing bird…. I give up

I really think I might be sick. I need another break. I’m sorry. This is gonna take a while.

I’m back, but I’m taking my headphones out now until this song is OVER. This is a HORRIBLE song, and all that snorting the pig does is just…. and the donut wearing the pig snout is just….

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I will finish what I started, but I do not guarantee another post about the donut repair club because this one literally almost made me vomit.

Finally, after about a minute and a half of that nonsense, this horrible excuse for a song is over, and I can put my headphones back in.

When is my chocolate cake going to arrive? My friend ordered me chocolate cake in order to help me deal with this nonsense. If I don’t vomit first, that is.

Fortunately, after the song ends, Bob is able to retrieve the pearls. No harm seems to have come to them. He never talks about breaking the news to Aunt Alice. We will literally never hear about the pearls again. Sooooo that was anti climactic.

Duncan speaks Donut ese, and asks Bob to take off his nose. No seriously, we can’t understand a damn thing the donut says in this exchange. Wait, seriously? He needs bob’s help to take off his nose, but he needed no help to put it on in the first place?

;aoghuehiow;ehiotwhrwioueghrsuio

That is me banging the keyboard in absolute frustration.

Kid: boy I sure don’t want to be a bad little piggie

Other kid: me neither

i actually think the piggie sounds like a lot of fun. I’m not a fan of stomping on pearls, but I’m a huge fan of not paying attention in Sabbath School. (Sabbath school is the same as Sunday school, but Seventh Day Adventists don’t go to church on Sunday.)

No, I have no idea which kids are speaking. The image isn’t clear enough.

Other Kid: No way, I wanna listen to God’s way

Because God’s way is the only way to avoid being bad, as everybody knows. –sips more vodka– next time, imma need a stronger beverage.

Bob: Well, if you don’t wanna be like a piggy, what kind of animal would you like to be like?

I have no idea why the TBK (Token Black Kid) makes this face, but I think he’s hilarious.

A girl: A cow (mooooo)

Why would you want to be a cow? Cows are smelly, fat, and they get milked. I have never heard of a kid wanting to be a cow.

another girl: a rooster crows like a rooster

Seriously? Roosters are MALES. You are a FEMALE. You can not be a rooster, unless you are transgender or something and haven’t shared with the rest of the class.

I think, though, that I have heard at least one kid say they wanted to be a rooster or a chicken. Er no, they actually usually DON’T want to be chickens. Nevermind.

And why are these animals any better than pigs, anyway? Says who?

Oh right, says Leviticus 11, which says that pigs are unclean, but cows and chickens are A-ok… to EAT. These children want to get eaten, apparently.

Blonde girl: oh I know!

Bob: what Mary?

So, this girl is named Mary, then. Why did it take so long for the narrative to tell us that?

Mary: God says in the bible that he is the good shepherd, right?

Bob: that’s right

Mary: Ok then, I’d love to be one of his lambs, cuz I love him so much

Sigh. I should do a post sometime about how stupid and dumb sheep are, and how much work they require to take care of them. I don’t feel like doing that tonight, but, let’s just say that no one should aspire to be a sheep, ok?

Dolphins are smarter. We should aspire to be a dolphin.

Bob thinks it’s great that Mary wants to be a lamb, and that they should all sing about it.

I think they should go do more farm chores, or go rescue the pearls from the pig.

Actually, someone does retrieve the pearls, but it’s not shown to be a big deal.

So, now we have a muppet lamb, and I don’t know whhere that came from either ok, but let’s just roll wit hit?

I really tried to get a good sreenshot of bob and the lamb, but the quality of this video isn’t very good as is

lyrics start:

I’m a little white lamb and I have a white tail

when I’m happy I wiggle it back and forth

Hallelujah I’m happy when I praise the lord

hallelujah I wiggle my tail and praise the lord

wiggle my tail when I praise the lord

the kids then do what looks like square dancing.

The song and square dancing go on for a while.

I sincerely apologize for the blurry quality of the shots. It’s all youtube’s fault, I swear.

Why are they all touching each other’s stomachs? Is that a thing in square dancing?

And this song is overly repetitive, they basically repeat the same lines over and over. And lambs, btw, do not have white feet, their hooves are usually brown/black. Juuuuuuust sayin’.

At the end of the song Token Black Kid(tm) does backflips. I don’t feel like going back for the screenshot (munches on chocolate vegan cheesecake)

Bob tells the kids that the singing was great. I disagree, but everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.

And then Bob suddenly realizes they still have farm chores to do. “There’s still the planting everybody, let’s go!”

The children run away, and find barrels of seeds, which have been conveniently labeled for them. Wait a second…. –goes back– yes, there is a barrel of seeds labeled “donuts.” I was thinking about the okra seeds, but this… this…woa;eirheowihroewihreowi;hrowei;nfoeitywehtowet DONUTS DON’T GROW FROM SEEDS STUPID. Wo;eihfewoihrewouhrtweaouhtfeouwyfhiuwehfioqtw379ehiru

I guess, by the presence of Okra, that this story is meant to take place in the south?

Ok I’m done. Back to our story.

Bob: yes children, they’re all good seeds

Me: NO THEY’RE NOT!

And it’s not just the donut seeds. Okra is of the devil and needs to die, ok?

The rest of the seeds are normal stuff like corn, peas, and green beans.

Here’s Duncan with a little basket of donut seeds

Seriously? No one is planting broccoli? I’m crushed Brocccoli is a gift of the GODS. Okra is a gift of the devil. Don’t tell me good Christians are growing stuff from the devil instead of the gods, now.

Bob is explaining that you need good soil to grow seed in, that no matter how good the seed is, if you grow it in hard rocky soil, you won’t get much of anything.

I bet he’s going to start talking about the biblical parable of the sewer, isn’t he?

Yup, I’m right. Only in this version, we have control over whether or not the soil of our hearts is rocky and mean, or good and kind soil.

A boy pipes up: it’s sort of like a donut, isn’t it?

Me: ?

Bob: A donut? Well how’s that?

For once, bob and I actually agree on something!

They look like fraternal twins.

Yes, the person on the far left is a boy, the person on the far right is a girl. They kinda look alike in the screenshot, but if you were to suffer through watch this movie, you’d see they’re obviously different genders, because pronouns.

boy(continuing): a donut has an empty space, like our hearts, until Jesus comes in

May I just take a moment now to mention that not all donuts have holes? Some are stuffed with creamy filling, or nothing at all, but just never had the center taken out.

Why DO donuts have the center taken out, anyway? I think I knew once, but I don’t now.

Bob: that’s right, you’re catching on

The boy looks pleased.

Boy: it’s what you always sing about

Bob: you see, Jesus is the seed

Because we can’t read the parable of the sewer for ourselves, in the bible, we must have it spelled out for us.

In this context is it sewer or sower? I must find this out before I publish the post.

I think I’ve been spelling it like sewer tunnels….whoospie. In any case.

bob(Continuing): sent from father god to come and

Bob demonstrates how God fills the hole in our heart.

Bob: The donut goes INTO the hole….

Seriously? I am asexual, and even –I– am aware of how dirty these screenshots could look to some kids. I bet they were all snickering. And don’t assume the audience would be too young to know that, either. Because some parents explain the birds and the bees at pretty young ages, depending on how their child will handle it, etc etc. I personally was 9, according to my mother (I remember it being 11 but whatever.)

Anyway, bob equates the donut hole going into the donut with Jesus coming and filling (snicker snicker) our hearts.

Bob: let’s sing it!

Kids: life without Jesus, is like a donut, like a donut, like a donut

You mean, really really sweet and it tastes good? Heyyyyy I could get behind that!

Kids(continuing): life without Jesus, is like a donut, cuz there’s a hole in the middle of your heart

–rips out headhones– alright, let’s talk about this concept for a minute. Sigh.

So, ever since I was a young kid, I felt like there was a hole in the middle of my hear.t But see, I was raised a Christian, and I knew Christ. Indeed, at about this time, the age of….. 10-11ish, I read my bible quite a bit, and discovered I could talk to the Lord as I spoke to a friend.

And yet, there was still a hole in my heart.

In movies and TV, the hole in your heart was either filled with 2 things:

1. Jesus/God

2. Boyfriends

I knew very early on that I wanted none of that second option, but I already had the first, so, what was missing?

And then I went off to academy and discovered….. friends. Deep friendships. And the hole in my heart was filled, and I felt in need of no more. I felt no need of even a romantic relationship, and no need of Jesus. (because at the time, I already had him.) These platonic deep friendships satisfied me. My life was complete.

So, I just wanted to point out that even for Christians, there can still be a hole in the middle of your heart if you love and follow Jesus. And I’m not going to tell you guys to give up Christ, however, I am going to tell you that perhaps there is something ln life that your missing. Maybe it is a romantic relationship, but I bet that it is not. I bet you just need someone to really love you, not for who they think you are, but for who you really are. Maybe you just need to be accepted for your true self, and not the self you present to the world. I don’t know. But if there is a hole in your heart, it’s not necessarily Jesus, it’s not necessarily that you need a boyfriend/girlfriend…. I don’t presume to tell you what your needs are, all I will tell you is to find out for yourself, not be told by some song, by some TV show, or even by me.

On a more shallow note, is this the very first show the donut gang has ever done, or is this song repeated every episode?

I asked my secular friend I talked about earlier, Jason, if he felt he had a hole in his heart without Jesus. He replied that he’d spent his life trying to carve out a hole with the Jesus part out of his life. Sooo he feels no need for Jesus.

BOB: (singing)But when Jesus fills your heart

Bob: (still singing) he satisfies your soul (inserts hole into donut)

Everyone(singing): Like a pastry something I can’t make out in a donut ooooooohhhhhh yeah!

Bob: (not singing) ok, grab the seeds, there they are, now all we need to find is some good soil.

I’m sorry, but all the good soil in the world will not plant donuts.

Ugh. I had the perfect screenshot, then youtube did something and I lost it. Hang on let me go back…

But how will we know when we find good soil?

This child here just looks so skeptical. Go boy or girl!

Well, as to how to find good soil, I recommend those books I’m sure aunt Jim and Uncle Alice have lying around. This was the 1990s, I’m therefore SURE that they have books on how to farm.

Bob: good question:(assumes position of The Thinker)

Bob: do you remember the story about the farmer, about the one who threw the seeds?

HAHAHHAHAHAAHA I knew this was coming! I knew it!

Bob segways into a song about the parable of sewer

They sing a song about the parable of the sower. Most of us are familiar with the story.

In case you’re not, the story can be found in chapter 13 of Matthew. I believe the explanation of the parable is in chapter 14, or it may be in the same chapter as 13. Who knows who cares. Anyway:

Bob: some seeds fell on the weeds

The weeds actually laugh as Bob demonstrates. I tried to get a good screenshot of it but youtube quality.

bob: some seed fell on the rocks

The rocks sneeze as Bob throws the seeds on them. He really shouldn’t be wasting seed like that.

Soooo where is the plot in this movie? This movie This movie is literally just a bunch of kids and a grownass man running around on a farm singing songs about Jesus.

Oh, and the talking donut. Oh god that talking donut. Too bad Krispy Kreme doesn’t deliver because I really want a donut now.

Anyway, I’m finally sober enough to notice… where is the plot?

Anyway, still on the song about the parable of the sewer, but I don’t feel like grabbing screenshots of every little thing, because that’ll just bog down the loading time.

Our muppet birds make another appearance, but I missed getting a screenshot of them. It shows them eating up the seeds.

For some reason parts 2 and 3 have the same song in them, soooo I get to listen to this song twice. Oh joy.

Well, as I said, these songs don’t seem too bad, compared to what else was around in the time period this movie was shot. Actually, even compared to some songs today these songs aren’t too bad. Sometimes when I hear children’s christian songs I just cringe. I must be the only person on the planet who hates “Jesus loves me.” Not the words, just the tune. Sing it to a rock tune and I’m suddenly magically happy with it.

Afterwards, bob asks, “now, do you understand about the good soil and the bad soil?

Me: NO!

Children: I think so

Bob: if you plant good seed in good soil, he’ll grow good food

TALK ABOUT HOW IN THE PARABLE OF THE SOWER WE CANNOT CONTROL THE SOIL OF OUR HEARTS JUST LIKE THE SOIL COULDN’T CONTROL WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD SOIL

Me: I hate fruit. Can he grow vegetables instead? I wish he’d grow broccoli instead of oranges. Broccoli is way better than oranges.

Wait a second…. they’re growing oranges? I never saw orange seeds? Can you grow oranges int he same climate as the green beans, corn, okra, and other stuff they are planting? I thought oranges only grew in humid places like Florida and Calamityfornia.

Girl in yellow shirt: just like Jesus’ word is planted in us

TBK: and if we pray and obey we’ll have good fruit too

Me: I’d rather have vegetables. Gimme the carrots and broccoli of human decency rather than fruit like love joy peace or patience

Bob: that’s right kids, and you’ll grow the fruit of the spirit.

This is a trigger for another song. This seriously makes at least 3 songs in the last ten minutes, each of which lasts 3 minutes each. Yeah, this movie has no plot. If it did, I might be inclined to review other episodes, but…. if the plots are always this shallow, there might not be a point.

Though I do kind of want to find the episode in particular that scared me as a child.

There’s some sort of African dance scene. TBK is dressed like this:

And he is the only one. Sure, let’s dress up the BLACK kid like an “African,” and none of the other kids. That’s not racist or anything…

Apparently the fruits of the spirit will make you “berry” happy, and “orange” you glad that you have these fruits, because these fruits will never go bad

For those who don’t know, the fruits of the spirit are

love

joy

peace

patience

kindness

goodness

faithfullness

gentleness

self control

after this song we are shown the children sowing seed to music. Again? Didn’t this already happen in the movie?

Afterward….

Kid: so, do you think the seeds will grow

Bob: were they good seeds?

Me: how would they know what seeds are good and what seeds are bad? It’s not just the quality of the soil, which I’m sure uncle Jim and Aunt Alice would have taken care of a long time before planting. The quality of the seed also matters, and I’m not sure if Jim and Alice would be able to screen for that before hand. Even if Jim and Alice could, though, the children, who are untrained in the Ways of the Farm, would not.

I remember helping my friend help her parents plant their garden. The used corn seeds that were pink. Bright, hot pink. I knew that was a color not found in nature, and had I not had someone to explain things to me, I would have assumed they were bad seeds and thrown them away. I was swiftly educated on the matter before I did this horrible thing, fortunately.

So, it’s not always obvious to the uninitiated.

Bob: and did we plant them in good soil

Me: once again, we can not know that for sure, but I’m assuming Jim and Alice would have tilled the soil before today

Kids: uh huh!

Bob: well then, I guess the rest is up to the lord, isn’t it?

Kids: –make varying noises of agreement–

Bob decides that he and the kids need to pray to the lord to bless their work. They all pray. I don’t care.

Aren’t there other factors at play besides soil anyway? Doesn’t weather play a part? And possibly other stuff I don’t know about because a farmer I am not?

And then, after the prayer, the donut pops up and declares he wants to plant a seed too, and I think I just barfed a little in my mouth. –sips water– –sips vodka–

All better. Back to the show.

Duncan: I want to plant a donut seed so I can grow a donut tree

:WHTEW;IUAIOUW4TY98PEHIRTLKTERW;HTKUY4HOIUUK,

that was me banging my fists against the kehyboard, because I didn’t want to injure my head.

Kids: donut tree!

Duncan: well sure, I’ve got these donut seeds

bob: Duncan…. I think those seeds are really cereal

Me: What kind of cereal? What kind of cereal could possibly look like seeds?

A horn honks. The kids and Bob excitedly exclaim that it is aunt Alice and uncle Jim.

Alice: the doctor says Jim is going to be just fine!

Jim: turns out I didn’t break my leg, I just sprained it. Doctor says I’ll be as good as new in a few days

Jim is sporting crutches.

Um, wait…. how do you sprain your leg? I’m no medical expert, my only medical knowledge comes from about 3 months of  EMT school, but…. I’m not sure a sprained leg is possible? A sprained ankle comes when you overstretch the ankle muscles around the joint….. I’m not sure how you’d do that with a leg?

At least his femur wasn’t broken, cuz with the way they were transporting him, that could’ve gone very badly very quickly. I know this is a kid’s movie so people think that stuff doesn’t need to be covered, but honestly, it could teach the kids something. It wouldn’t even have to be dwelt on too much, just something like, “we need to stabilize the leg with blankets so it can’t move around and hurt him.” Something simple like that. No need to even mention the possible slicing of a major artery that could result in death if not treated.

A quick google search reveals that it is possible to sprain your leg, though very very unlikely. It would have been more believable for him to have sprained his ankle.

In any case, depending on how bad the sprain is, it could cause trouble for a long time, especially in older folks. (Jim and Alice are old.) Even me, when I was a teenager, after I sprained my ankle, I continued to have trouble with that ankle long after it healed. For at least 2-3 years. So, it must be a very mild sprain….. oh who am I fooling, this is a dumb kids show, of course they wouldn’t have real meidcal knowledge.

Anyway, the kids, aunt Alice, and uncle Jim all celebrate

They are singing to the same tune and roughly the same song they were singing in the beginning of the movie.

Bob:

Jesus is a farmer and he wants us to hear

that his return is very near

something something Jesus wants us to see

that his love is growing in you and in me

They then start singing the exact same song from the beginning while throwing hay while going in a hay ride while being pulled by a tractor.

so, I said there would only be one donut repair club post. However, I found the episode that scared me as a child specifically, so I will be discussing it here. Also, I need a distraction, which is why I’m still watching. Well that and I do want to revisit the specific episode that scared me. Because facing our childhood fears is what adulthood is all about, right?

Right. Stay tuned folks. I’m apparently shit at sticking to a regular posting schedule. Next time, if I’ve found a source, I’ll start posting Buttercream Gang sequel posts.

If not, another donut repair club post is coming. Have a great week and see you all later.

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