The Buttercream Gang: Secret of Treasure Mountain Part

This review is long in coming, because I had to throw in some abstinence days, and there is no way in hell I can watch this movie without booze. You see, this movie isn’t nearly as bad as it’s predecessor –it’s WORSE. The first movie at least passed the “can I watch it while sober” test. This one… doesn’t. It somehow manages to take something exciting (looking for buried treasure) and make it wicked boring.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the movie, here’s the description from amazon.

[quote] A monk’s counsel is as clear as the desert air: “Sometimes the greatest treasure you can ever find is within yourself.” And the words are well-timed wisdom to ButterCreamer Eldon after he finds part of an ancient map and becomes intrigued with the search for hidden treasure. Unaware that danger lurks in the shadows, Eldon talks the other ButterCreamers into helping hunt for conquistador gold – as a way to help their ailing and needy friend, Mr. Graff. But Eldon almost lets his secret wish for fame disrupt those plans. The young man must discover something more precious than gold – that being a true hero is often nothing more than caring enough to help someone in need and persevering until that need is met.  [/quote]

I am going to TRY to get this done in 5 parts or less. Laugh at me now because that is sooo not happening, partly because I have a life and partly because I can’t handle that much booze in one setting. These reviews will likely be rather short.

Apparently FFF doesn’t like hearing impaired persons, because this movie has no options for subtitles. There’s a parents’ guide in the bonus material that we will be going over at the end of these reviews. No, I don’t know how long they’re going to take me. It’s hard because I have crippling depression, a real life, and am only convinced that one or two people are reading these. Whatever, *I* like doing it, that’s what matters.

Michael D Weatheredd is not in this movie. Which is sad because Pete was the most interesting character in the first movie hands down, BUT Elton was the second most interesting, so, this is as good as we’re going to get.

The scene opens in Elkridge, in the year 1562.  3 men dressed like pilgrims?

They’re walking with a big chest. 2 of them have an argument about why one men fell, and then the Indians find them. As one of the Indian turns his back to us, I think I can see his underpants. But I didn’t look too closely.

They run from the Indians. Next we are shown a cave, with the voice over saying a verse of scripture: But when you are invited to the house, go and sit in the lowest room, that when he comes, he may say unto thee “friend, go up higher.”

That verse never made much sense to me either, but I’m guessing it did in Jesus’ time, because 2,000 years ago is 2,000 years ago and I am 2,000 years into Jesus’ future.

We then see a man writing these words. Then we are shown… a different part of the cave? The 3 men drop the treasure chest, which we are shown is full of gold coins.

Seriously? That was dumb. Apparently Apple doesn’t allow you to take screen grabs of your own dvds. I had to find another way to play it. This one the quality is kind of less but whatever. Rawr Apple, you used to be so good and then you just got so BAD.

In any case, I figured out how to grab them, so it’s good.

Ah, it turns out that the old man is the father of the 3 men, and he said they returned sooner than he expected.

Man1: we must leave at once, many savages are pursuing us

Man 2: I refuse to let our gold fall into the wrong hands!

Apparently man 2 is the captain, and the other 2 men are all that remains of his crew. Except for some reason the captain refuses to claim them? When asked how many of his crew is left, the two men put their arms around each other and smile.

Captain: None

I also think they’re the same actors that will later show up, but prosopognosia makes it hard to tell.

Priest: Then I cannot help you.

Captain: (drawing his sword) May I remind you of your holy obligation to the British Empire. you will help us or I will offer you to these savages in return for my life.

Whoops. Looks like when they called him “father” they meant more like, “priest.” Whoopsie.

There’s some talk about how the Indians will fight for their land.

The captain cuts up the map, so they each have only part of it. 3 pieces total. Then he makes them all promise to be loyal to him and serve him and his family,  to the 7th generation, till the gold comes into his (or his families’) hands again. The two men, who are at gunpoint, swear.

The priest crosses himself and prays before the treasure chest. Then he buries it for safe keeping.

Priest: And may the earth forever keep it safe, rather than letting it fall into the wrong hands.

We are then shown an Indian looking for the treasure, but not finding it. So, Native Americans are the wrong hands for gold, apparently.

Next we’re shown a scene of a Buttercream Boy waterboarding? No, water SKIING. He’s doing really badly. Hey look, I see persons of color! This movie definitely has more diversity than the last one. I take back some of the things I said about racism in the last movie, but not all, because Hispanics are bad because gangs and oh look, Pete is Hispanic and he totally looks it because….um…. look a butterfly!

Left to right: Lanny, Eli, and Scott call out encouragement to Eldon.

Anyway, as Elton tries (and fails) to water ski, we’re shown Margaret, Mr. Duncan, and some kids I don’t recognize walking along the shore with a metal detector. Because of course Margaret couldn’t be with the boys water skiing. She’s wearing a very modest bathing suit under a long ish jacket.

I LOVE her bathing suit, btw. It’s totally my color

Which, for the 1990s, wasn’t really out of place. So, the makers of this movie are not for wholesome swimwear, And I get the impression the jacket is more for warmth than modesty.

Also, I haven’t seen anyone USE a metal detector since the 1990s. Even then I don’t remember it being too popular. In any case, Margaret asks Mr. Duncan if he wants to try water skiing, but he says he’ll leave all that to his nephew Elton. Or maybe not, since Eldon is really really bad at it. Then he talks about how persistence is very important, moreso than skill. Scotty boy tells Eldon not to give up, because Buttercreamers never give up.

I’m resisting the urge to quote Galaxy Quest: Never give up, Never surrender!

Whoops, guess I just quoted the Tim Allen’s character from Galaxy Quest.

Elton decides he’s got too many skis and decides to try using only one. Since he has no wakeboard, I suspect the kid is going to break his leg.

My prediction turns out to be false.

Eldon: I’ll master this waterskiing if it’s the last thing I do

Eli: Normally, I’d say don’t hold your breath, but in this case you’d better.

Such a nice new Buttercreamer we have here! I have to say, this movie is better than it’s parent about introducing characters. We’re not even 10 minutes into the movie (unless you count the thing with the Spanish people in helmets) and I know at least 2 new character’s names: Mr. Duncan, and Eli. I feel like that’s a record for this company, so, progress, I guess.

We’re shown a shot of a little girl playing with a rope

Sarah, aren’t you old enough to know better?

Unfortunately, the rope is still attached to a boat. I feel like someone her age should be able to figure that out but what do I know. Anyway, shots of the girl playing are interspersed with scenes of Scott successfully waterskiing as Eldon tries to take off one ski and somehow only balance on it.

Meanwhile, Mr. Duncan gets excited because Jessie finds an old Indian arrowhead. Mr. Duncan gets extremely excited, and says it could be 100-300 years old. He knows this because he is a junior high science teacher.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and variations thereof, meet the most awesome character in the whole movie: Jessie.

Eldon is the first to notice Sarah is in danger, and tries to get off his other ski so he can. He ends up falling in the lake as Scott rescues Sarah, and is then hugged by a grateful mother.

Which…. the mother was actually really close by and paying attention. She starts screaming for someone to help her little girl. Why didn’t she just go down there and start frantically trying to untangle the rope? Why did she wait for Scott and Lanny to do it?

Oh right. Women in this movie are still semi useless. But at least we get some scenes of Jessie being cool, so I’ll try to suck on that little pacifier they threw my way.

Eldon is disappointed he didn’t get to be the hero. I can sympathize with that. Lanny tries to cheer him up by saying it was a group effort (It wasn’t, Eldon was too busy  flailing about on his skis, but he gets credit from me for trying.)

Lanny tells Eldon he’s the Buttercream clown who makes them laugh. Eldon says they don’t need a clown, Lanny argues a bit, then agrees. I disagree, by the way. Everyone needs someone to make them laugh.  Eldon climbs onto the dock and says, “Just once I’d like to be the hero instead of Scott.”

And I’d like for Scott to be knocked off his high horse too, so we’re in agreement.

Mr. Duncan takes the gang to the cliffs… hang on, there were no cliffs in the last movie, where did they come from? We spent a lot of time with Scott and Pete at the lake in the last movie with no cliffs in sight. And where is Elkridge supposed to be located? When reading up on the last movie, I was under the impression it was supposed to be a rural town in Maine. I don’t think Spanish explorers came to Maine in the 1500s. Actually, would they even have set foot on the North American continent in the 1500s?

Mr. Duncan Talks to Eli about the origin of the Buttercream Gang which, since he’s part of it, he probably already knows. Wow this old clunker of a computer takes FOREVER to start playing again after I un pause it and crashes frequently. This wouldn’t have happened if I could’ve used Apple’s movie player.

Mr. Duncan doesn’t even know what they’re looking for. “A sign saying ‘Spanish Conquistadors slept here.'”

Eldon finds something with Spanish writing on it. Eli sounds like he speaks Spanish, but it’s never stated outright. He says it’s 6 or 7 months old and looks like the twist off cap from a bottle of Mexican Beer.

How does Eli know what Mexican Beer caps look like, anyway? This movie was made by a Mormon company, aren’t Mormons against drinking? At least, that’s what Elizabeth Smart said in her book I just read.

Scott finds a dubloon, and everyone gets really excited.  Eldon feels bad and storms off.

He comes across a group of little girls, one of whom falls and scrapes her knee. And starts crying.

Does it hurt? Uh huh!

Eldon stops to make sure she’s ok, comforts her a bit and tells her to run along and ask uncle will (Mr. Duncan) for a bandaid.

I give Margaret credit for going after Eldon when he runs off because oh yeah, she’s following him and still doesn’t manage to catch up even though the hurt girl has slowed him down.

I actually sympathize with Eldon. I used to want a little credit too. Still like it when it comes my way, actually, and I think the human race in general just likes to be appreciated.

A littler boy, Connor, follows after Margaret as she runs after Eldon. When she finds Eldon, Margaret tells Connor to “stay.” Like he’s a dog.

Ooooh do you think she’ll give him a TREAT afterwards?

I need more booze.

Those kids are NOT wearing appropriate shoes for traipsing around the cliffs. I mean the little kids, not the older ones. The older ones are wearing what looks like hiking sandals, Except for Margaret, who is in flip flops.

Is this guy the same actor who played Mr. Graff in the first movie? A quick google search reveals it is, he just shaved. Stupid prosopognosia! Yes, WordPress, that IS a real word. Jeez.

Eldon says just once he’d like to be a hero and have everyone know it. Instead of listening like a good friend, Margaret cuts him off

I liked her better when she was a geek.

She already thinks Eldon is a hero, because:

Margaret: you’re nice, you’re funny. my mom always says that real heroes are the ones that help others without their knowing it, without all the praise.

Seriously? In the movie this girl is supposed to be 14/15 ish. She should have better reasons by now than, “my mom says.” If she agrees so much with what her mom says, why isn’t she saying the same thing while omitting the “my mom says” part?  Seriously!

Eldon: my mom says the same thing over and over.

Margaret tells him he should come back to the group, but Eldon decides he needs some alone time.

When Margaret is gone, he decides that if the rains washed that coin down, maybe there’s still stuff up there.

Eli sounds the alarm that Eldon is “in a precarious situation” and proceeds to act like a walking dictionary when the other boys ask him to define precarious and seriously? THESE PEOPLE JUST GRADUATED JR HIGH! The word “precarious” was in my THIRD GRADE vocabulary quiz. And that’s about the age I’d guess Eli to be. Seriously, writers!

Everybody tells Eldon he should get down, because waht he is doing is dangerous.

For once, I agree.

When Elton tells them his logic about the rain washing down the doubloon, Mr. Duncan says the cliff face is so soft anything would’ve fallen into the lake 100 years ago. Pretentious adults, exactly what this movie needs.

Eldon falls a little ways down the cliff, finding a stick with an ancient bit of parchment around it as he falls the rest of the way down the cliff.

Hey everybody, look what Eldon found!

Mr. Duncan stops Eldon. They shouldn’t unwrap the document because it’s really old and they could crumble it. Mr. Duncan says he’s going to take it very carefully to an expert. Finally, someone in this movie starts making some sense!

Eldon gets a hearty congratulations.

Scene change!

Mr. Graff had a heart attack and is forced to sell his house. The reverend explains it to them. Since Mr. Graff owns the property the treehouse is on, Mr. Graff isn’t just losing his house, they are losing their treehouse. To his credit, Eldon says that Mr. Graff’s losing his house is worse than them losing their treehouse.

Mr. Graff comes along and is happy the Buttercreamers have been helping. It was supposed to be a surprise, apparently.

A real estate agent comes with potential buyers. The woman gives Eldon a kiss on the cheek, leaving behind red lipstick. These adults behave like caricatures. It’s too stupid.

The man shows Eldon his book on how to get rich, which costs $49.95

The woman calls Mr. Graff a “cute old man” and starts fake crying because he reminds her of her “dear old daddy.”

I have seen men who remind me of grandpa, who passed away recently, but I would never presume to speak to them like this woman does. She is just so disrespectful and condescending and NO HUMAN BEING ACTUALLY BEHAVES THIS WAY IN REAL LIFE. (by the which I mean the over the top fakeness, not the disrespectful and condescending part.)

Yes, this is the best screenshot I could get. He doesn’t show it for more than 1 second.

Man: Hi, I’m Mr. I can’t catch his name, and I like to think of myself as an author. Perhaps you’ve heard of my book, how to make a million dollars with nothing down

Eldon: you can do that?

Man: sure, just buy my book for $49.95

Scott: I thought you said nothing down.

Unfortunately, Eldon looks interested. He says he can make the money for the book, easy. The man gives him a piece of paper, saying that Eldon can send him the money for it when he gets it.

The man and woman exit the stage, and thank God we never see them again. But we get to hear all about Eldon wanting that book. Seriously, this guy is just about to start high school, he should know better.

The Buttercreamers set out on a mission to save Mr. Graff’s house. Eldon says, “I know what I can do” and runs off. The other boys follow Eldon, who bikes out on a road to the middle of nowhere, and then we get treated to a fantasy he has of him being the hero and congratulated by everyone and then Margaret will like him instead of Scott…

Eldon apparently has gone to Uncle Will’s lab, where he begs his uncle to unroll the scroll, because he has to know what he found.

Well, what DID he find? Is it merely an old band poster? Is it a treasure map? A page from a porn novel? tune in next time to find out!

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Real Marriage, by Mark Driscoll Chapter 3: Men and Marriage

Men and Marriage

 This chapter is primarily for men. My tone will be as a man to men. Where I writing to women, my tone would be considerably different. So while women are welcome to read this chapter, they are also forewarned it may get a little rough.

Because how you talk to men is different from how you talk to women, see. Right. Ever the mysoginist, Marky Boy.

To be fair, he does admit that not every man is “the caricature he critiques throughout this chapter.”

I wonder, how many men, exactly, are as Mark describes here? I shall write about the chapter, and you shall tell me. Deal? Deal. Let’s get started.

For most of human history, a male would go through 2 life phases: boy, man. Here was his life’s progression:

1. Leave parents’ home

2. finish education or vocational training

3. start a career track job, not a dead end joe job (yes he really does call it that)

4. meet a woman, love her, honor her, court her, an dmarry her

5. parent chidlren with her (Genesis 2:24)

Now there’s this thing called adolescence. A parade of fools comes up with it. (Yes those are his actual words.) Mark defines adolescence as “boys who can shave.”

Well, yeah, their brains aren’t quite down cooking yet.

Anyway, adolescene starts in the teen years and sometimes continues indefinitely. The poor guys don;t know when they’re ever going to grow up and be men because no pressure is exerted on them to do so.

Is manhood when:

1. we’re old enough to legally drive? Vote? Join the military?

2. we’re old enough to drink alcohol

3. When we get married?

4. When we have kids?

5. When we buy a home?

No one knows. So a lot of men have a Peter Pan complex.

Even if men do make it to adulthood, they often have this thing called a midlife crisis, which brings them straight back into adolescence. Because midlife crisis never existed before our modern day and age.

That last line was my sarcasm, not Mark.

[quote] 1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, but when I became a man, I had to put away childish things. [/quote]

Wow, that sure makes adulthood sound… like a real snooze fest. No wonder none of these men Marky boy knows want to grow up!

Moms and girlfriends who pay his bills, pick up his mess, and keep him supplied with alcohol and snacks are enablers.

Paul said a man is the image and glory of God. He’s supposed to act like Jesus.

[quote] I don’t really care if you buy man toys[/quote]

Me: SNORT! Sometimes the jokes just write themselves

[quote] or if you play video games or rock out on your guitar. The problem is when those are prevalent, predominant, and preeminent in your life. [/quote]

Wooooow Marky Boy wants to show off what big WORDS he can use… I think I’ll give him a medal so I can stab his chest with it as I pin it on. As long as someone is paying their bills, not neglecting their family (if they have one), and otherwise taking care of themselves, why the hell does it matter if video games or guitar comes first in their lives?

Some of us will argue and say that none of this is a sin. Marky comes back with the idea that some things, while not sinful, are just dumb.

Actually I kind of agree with some of the things on his list of dumb things that aren’t sinful:

1. Getting fired because you stayed up all night gaming

2. getting only a part time job so you can have more time for the guitar or frisbee golf

3. Spending all your money on a new car, truck, etc, or gambling.

Does #1 actually happen?

#2 might be ok if you want to try and make a career out of those things. Heck, if you can still pay your bills, why shouldn’t you only get a part time job if you’ve decided you want more of a life? A full time job in today’s society sadly no longer means a 40 hour work week. Where I work, salaried persons are expected to put in a minimum of 60 hours per week, but 70 is preferred. I know more than one person who has stepped down from this position because they want a life.

So it would depend on what extreme Mark is taking these things to as to whether or not I agree.

I want pickles. That was random.

Being a man is about being both tough and tender.

Um, so is a woman? I think that’s called being a well rounded person?

As men, we are to be tough in defending the weak, and tender in comforting the hurting.

Men who are mainly tough without being tender are commonly tough chauvinists who only understand masculinity in part.

Mark then goes on to talk about “no sissy stuff Sam.”

No sissy stuff Sam lacks emotion other than anger, because emotions are a sign of weakness.

“Success and status stewart” believes that being a man is about what you have to do rather than you who are and how you serve.

“Give ’em hell Hank” thinks men are only warriors, brawlers, and rough guys. He’s a bully… his children feel no close connection to him.

“I’m the boss bob” loves to be in charge and tell others what to do but hates being under authority himself.

Wow if these aren’t all gross stereotypes…

Anyway, Mark says these are all chauvinists. I’m not sure what that word means and I’m too lazy to pull out a dictionary, but I am guessing it’s not a good thing.

Now we turn to what Mark considers the oppsite: Tender cowards.

“Little boy Larry” has a Peter Pan complex, he never grew up.

Well, good for him, I say, because growing up SUCKS. That having been said, the behaviors in the paragraph describing him aren’t good: he doesn’t let responsibilities get in the way of his hobbies, unable to pay his bills or look after themselves, etc. But aside from those, who CARES If his interests are “those of a boy and not of a man?” Is there a rule somewhere that says grown men can’t play with legos? Because if that’s the case, then I know a lot of responsible, dependable people who are immature and childish according to Mark’s definition.

“Sturdy oak Owen” is physically present but emotionally absent. He goes to work, comes home, mends the fence, cuts the grass, and then turns on the tv.

Sounds like my kind of husband! If I ever got married, honestly, as an aromantic asexual, this is kind of what I’d want; a live in room mate. Where is sturdy oak owen and can I marry him?

Sturdy oak Owen is also a coward afraid of being emotional.

Then we have “Hyper Spiritual Henry,” the guy with the christian t-shirts, bumpers stickers, etc. I know the type and I’m sure you do too. Not much is said about this type, except that he’s embarrssing. For once, Mark Driscoll and I agree on something. I think I need another shot or 2 or vodka to cope with that.

“Good time Gary,” super fun, the life of the party, a really nice guy…. everybody likes him but nobody respects him. He turns everything into a joke and doesn’t realize that his life is the joke. He can’t hold a job, pay his bills, etc.

None of these guys are the kind of men Jesus wants us to be… apparently Jesus is the key to understanding masculinity.

Me: Jesus wore (what we would consider) a dress. Juuuuuust sayin’.

More talk about how Jesus was the perfect man.

If you are tough and tender at the right times and take responsibility for yourself and others, then you are truly a man’s man, a godly man, being made into a man like the perfect god man, Jesus christ.

I think I just threw up a little. *sips more vodka*

The next section is entitled: A wife’s perspective

Lots of men are really just boys who can shave. This often makes marriage terrifying for a woman. 1 Peter 3:1-6 talks about wives’ fears of marriage…

Hang on, really? How come I don’t remember reading this on my zillion read throughs of the NT? Googles.

[quote]Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.[/quote]

I think Grace is stertching a bit. I can see why this passage would terrify women who believe in a literal interpretation of the bible, but I don’t see it as addressing the fears of the women, and how it’s normal for them to be afraid. I think Drizz-cull is taking things out of context. Again.

And don’t worry, this won’t be the last time we see this verse, by a long shot. We’re just getting started on the crazy, after all.

When a woman gets married, she’s trusting that man for the rest of her life not to:

1. hit her

2. cheat on her

3. rape her

4. kill her

5. that he’ll work hard and pay the bills

6. Love the kids

So, does #3 mean that Mark believes in marital rape? That would be the ONE redeeming quality this guy has.

Mark didn’t undersatnd this fear until he had daughters, because apparently he never sat down and listened to Grace spell it out for him.

Mark is afraid of handing his daughters off to a man and trusting that that man will love and protect them like he should. This gives him “fear and great concern.”

It’s the husband’s responsibility to obey God so these fears don’t happen. That’s why in 1 Peter 3:7 it says “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heris together in the grace of life, that your prayres may not be hindered.”

Husbands must alleviate the wives’ fears in a way that shows the women honor.

Mark then talks about how a husband must honor his wife:

Physically:

–women are the weaker vessel

–Do you ever hit your wife? If you do, this is not honoring your wife.

–you honor your wife by being physically safe for her to be around

–in a cage fight a man will always win

Emotionally:

–some men think they aren’t emotional andodn’t need to connect, but this is a lie. Men and women have the same emotions, they just express them in different ways.

–your wife needs intimacy, she wants to know you. You should open up to her.

–talk about love langauges… you need to speak your wife’s love language.

Verbally:

–how do you speak to your wife? Do you raise your voice, threaten her, call her stupid in front of the kids (ok Mark didn’t say that one, I added it because that’s exactly what dad did, does, to my mom.)

–basically don’t verbally abuse her, like my father did. (my father, not Mark’s.)

Financially:

–many men hit rough times due to unemployment. They may have a hard time finding a decent job.

I’m glad Mark admits this. My father hit such a patch, once.

–these men need encouragement to keep seeking employment and the humility to take whatever jobs they can to feed their families.

Me: I don’t really remember what dad had to do to feed us, I was 4, what did I know? All I knew was that suddenly daddy lost his job. I told him we’d go to the store and buy him a new one, but for some reason he didn’t take me up on that offer.

–Mark brags about getting through tough economic times without debt. Congratulations Marky boy, again, do you want a medal, or a chest to pin it on? If debt is what it takes to get a family out of poverty, then… then… then fuck you Mark Drizz-cull.

The bible says if any man doesn’t provide for his household, he is worse than an unbeliever and has denied the faith.

in Genesis 3, the womens’ curse was related to marriage and children. This means a woman will be stretched and sanctified as a wife and mother. Her joy and satisfaction will come from her husband and children.

The man’s curse, however, was providing for his family. A man will always find it very difficult not to idolize or demonize his work… huh?

–men have to work harder and smarter than other men if you want to feed your family. If you want any men to respect you, you pay the bills.

–Mark thinks that women who work before getting married, or before the kids are born, or who finds a way to make money from home without neglecting her husband and children, is acceptable. But it is the primary job of men to make the money and feed their family. Not the woman’s.

–studies show that even feminists are happier when men are the ones providing the big bux.

–Mark claims that men today don’t want children because it means they’d have to grow up, provide for said children, and stop acting like children themselves.

Just because you become a grown up and have responsibility doesn’t mean you stop acting like children, right dad? Dad! Get that bow off your head! I know little Suzie thinks it’s funny and it’s making her laugh but…. sigh. Yes, my dad is an overgrown child. But he always still provided for us. What do you make of that Marky boy?

–There’s apparently nothing sadder than a woman who wants to be a mom (and loves Jesus) but the husband says he’s the head of the house and he doesn’t want children. This is sad because the husband is commanding the wife to sin, because this is denying a woman’s maternal instincts.

Now, I do agree that a man and a woman have to be on the same page in regards to bearing children but…. but… the man who wants children is a sinning sinner who sins… just…. darelwhrt;oegiutwef;eowerighuehrfhu

Ahem.

More ranting about women who want to work outside the home, nothing new, just him repeating himself with different phrasing. Oh and stay at home dads are also sinning sinners who sin, because BYE-BULL.

–a man can’t just make money, he must also be a good steward of said money. He needs to have a budget.

–There’s a few sentences of guilt trip about moms who leave their children at day care… because day care can’t come close to what a Godly mother could do, and it would just cost extra money anyway, and outweigh the benefit of the woman working outside the home, because the child care money would eat away all her salary.

Technologically.

Yes, apparently you can honor your wife by… technology?

–are you always checking your phone?

–do you spend hours surfing the net?

–do you bring your phone/laptop/tablet to the table?

–do you spend your date nights watching a movie?

Turn the device off and bond with your spouse already.

Oh god, I’m going to need more vodka to get over the fact that I agree with Mark Drizz-cull. Not about date nights not being movie nights, but just in general the oh my god turn off your phone/tablet/computer and PAY ATTENTION TO ME DAMMIT.

The next section is entitled Covenant Marriage.

Understanding contract vs covenant is essential in marriage.

–contract marriage: two people with 2 lives negotiate the terms of their marriage. This makes marriage more like a business deal, and if at any point one spouse thinks the other isn’t keeping up their end of the deal, divorce could happen!?!?!?!?!

–Covenant marriage, on the other hand, Mark doesn’t define very well. He just goes on and on about covenants being biblical and lasting forever and has Mark never read the parts of the bible where God doesn’t follow through on his end of a covenant because the other party didn’t either? Like, all throughout the old testament? Has Mark ever actually read the bible?

A christian woman once told me Mark Driscoll is a much better speaker, by leaps and bounds, than he is a writer. Yeah, because he sucks at writing.

–The husband is the head of this particular marriage covenent, because

1. God called the race “man” (Gen 1:26)

2. By naming Eve, Adam was exercising authoirty over her as god commanded (Gen 2:23)

3. even though the woman sinned first. God came calling for Adam and held him responsible (gen 3:8-9) because he failed to protect Eve.

4. It’s Adam’s sin that is given to the entire human race, because he is our head.

5. The bible repeatedly declares that husbands are to lovingly and sacrificially lead their homes and wives are to submit. He lists too many bible verses for me to copy and I’m too lazy.

However, the husband is not the ultimate authority. God is.

–a husband and wife are equal with complementary roles, like a left hand and a right hand.

I’m ambidextrous, Marky boy, what do you think about THAT?!

–wives are to submit to husbands as Jesus does to God the Father…

–despite sin, the husband is still the boss of the family.

–a good head will not abuse his responsibility.

–being the head of the family doesn’t mean he does everything. If the wife is a better accountant than you are, SHE should be in charge of the check book, not you. Men might end up doing most of the cooking if they are the better cook.

–there is a myth that the rate of divorce and adultery are the same between christian couples and secular couples. This is nonsense, because those Christians weren’t REAL Christians, and the study didn’t make sure of that.

Things that help a marriage go well:

1. get involved in a good churche

2. agree on what the bible says

3. worship together at home.

Getting invovled in a good churches

[quote] there are many benefits of a husband being involved in a bible believing, Jesus loving, conservative Christian church.[/quote]

So, no benefits for men who are involved in a…. LIBERAL church? So noted.

–men who go to church are more positive toward their wives

–evangelical married men have the lowest rates of domestic violence (wilcox, soft patriarchs, 182)

–Godly men make the best fathers

Everyone on Planet Adventist thinks my father is sooooo godly because he projects a good outward appearance. They didn’t live with the verbal/emotional abuse that I put up with for YEARS. Mark driscoll can suck my…. popsickle.

–couples who regularly attend church are happier and have better marriages. Mark does give a citation but I HATE it when authors throw all their citations at the end of the book instead of at the end of each chapter like sane authors do. It makes it harder to look shit up. Even without seeing the source I call bullshit.

–couples who attend church together are less likely to separate

Fear mongering much Marky boy?

–too often the wife is the one who is choosing the church, because it meets her and the children’s programming needs. This leads to the husband not wanting to go because he sees it as more of a church for women and children…

I’ve been to a lot of churches in my life, and honestly I don’t know of one that could be construed as “primarily for wives and children.”

I do agree, however, that a woman and a man must choose a church TOGETHER. That’s what my parents always did. One time, they even consulted my opinion. Actually I don’t remember if they did or not, but I gave it to them anyway.

Back to Marky boy:

–the husband needs to be the one to pick the church. A man chooses a church based on the pastor, because men want to follow good godly leaders.

–once you’re in a local church, don’t just go anonymously, get involved and connected to the members.

I dislike this idea. I’m more of an introvert; I always loved going to big churches where no one talked to me. My parents, unfortuantely, are the exact opposite. This did not lead to good experiences growing up.

Agree on what the bible says

–you and your wife must agree on your theology of marriage.

I agree, actually. It’s always good for a husband and wife to be on the same page with these things.

–couples who don’t do the hard work of studying what the bible says about marriage may believe in God, but they’ll fail to enjoy the oneness that God wants.

–couples who are part of the same denomination are 42% more likely to be happy than couples who are not.

Only 42%? Jeez, that’s not even half! That being said, I sort of agree, particularly in a religion like seventh day adventism, where it is so different from say, being a baptist, that, even if one is a seventh day baptist, it would be VERY hard to mesh the two. But I don’t get the impression that most Christian denominations are that different from each other, depending?

–theological conservativism is associated with happier marriages.

–theological agreement is more important than an equal sharing of chores in the home. Tell THAT to the person who has to do the dishes AND the laundry AND still goes to work every day.

–Mark talks about egalitarian marriage. And here is wear I’m going to start banging my head against the keyboard.

Citation for the following paragraph: Gary thomas, sacred marriage: what if god designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?

This book, sadly, was published in my home state. I’m embarrassed for us.

–the evidence concludes that whether or not a wife works outside the home, she still does most of the chores.

–Then this quote from the above source:

the researchers studying egalitarian marriages find no support for the theory [of egalitarianism]…..promotes wife’s marital quality. It is more important for wife’s marital happiness [yes, they really do phrase it like that: they do not say “*A* wife’s personal happiness] that husband and wife have shared ideas about marriage, that they both commit to the institution of marriage, that they are integrated into an institution (like the church) that also has these same ideas about marriage, and that the marriage and the husbands are emotionally invested in marriage.

While it is very important that husband and wife agree, I see no reason an egalitarian marriage can’t work if the husband and wife both agree to make an egalitarian marriage work.

–couples who agree on their biblical roles will embrace them and find meaning.

–as long as the husband expresses gratitude for her work in the home, the wife does not usually feel slighted.

– the husband embraces the breadwinner position as a god given duty.

Worship Together At Home

–the bible expects husbands to function as pastors.

–the bible commands women to take theological questions to their husbands, trusting that their husbands will know their bibles.

–if couples frequently engage in worship in the home, their marriage is more likely to succeed.

A few tips for the guys:

1. as a family leader, model humility, honesty, study, and worship.

2. make sure everyone in your family has a good, age appropriate bible that they regularly read.

At least Mark isn’t KJV only then.

3. Make sure you have some basic bible study tooks available for your family and that everyone learns to use them.

4. Buy good Christian books for everyone in your famiy to read. Include christian biographies.

I read these as a child. Some were ok, most were pretty stupid.

5. Choose good books that you and your wife can be reading together. Including books of the bible. Discuss what you are learning.

Actually, if I ever had to get married for whatever reason that does sound like a cool idea, but this is because I’m a bibliophile, not a Christian. Reading and discussing books with someone together sounds positively thrilling to me. Of course, I’m more likely to pick a star trek novel to read with any room mate I did this with, but one room mate wasn’t having any of that, so we picked a nice, thick book on nutrition.

6. If there are bible based classes offered in your church, attend with your family.

Only ones I can think of are baptismal classes, only offered to baptimsal candidates.

7. Redeem your commute

Seriously? Who talks like this?!

(continuing) by listening to good sermons and classes, many of which you can download for free.

Mark has a citation of where you can get some but I think most people know how to work google so I’ll skip that.

8. Have dinner together with your family most nights, and use that time to pray, read a portion of the bible and talk about it together.

Oh my. If I had to interrupt my eating to read the bible… I’d be piiiiiiissssed.

9. pray for each family member every day and let them know you are praying for them.

Can you imagine how this would go with the duggars?

Michelle: And dear Lord I pray for, um, oh darn, what was that boy’s name? You know that little boy with the blond hair and blue shirt Lord, I just pray for him that, um….

ahem.

10. place a hand the head of each of your children every day and pray over them. Then kiss them on the head and make sure they often get a loving hug.

Me: You know, some children just aren’t huggers. That’s ok, as long as you still go out of your way to make sure they know that they are loved.

11. while either snuggling or holding hadns, pray with and for your wife every day and remember to include the reasons you are thankful to God for her that day.

If these things are lacking in your home, it’s likely your family really really wants them and will thank you for including them.

Your wife gets to be umpire on the content of this chapter. If it helps, buy her a referee shirt to wear to bed.

That honestly sounds really uncomfortable, I’d rather wear pajamas, thanks.

Mark says that a husband may think he’s loving and leading well, but it is the wife who gets to make that final call.

Ephesians 5, wives submit, but husbands love your wives…. verse 21 tells them to submit to one another. This means she gets to decide if you are loving and leading well and you get to decide if she is being submissive enough.

I think I need a shower after typing that out…. shudder.

Men bear a great burden before God to be responsible to their families. Mark hopes you found this chapter challenging instead of condemning.

I hope you found my recaps at least somewhat interesting.

Tune in next time to hear all about the respectful wife! I’ve read this chapter before and folks, this is going to be a DOOZY.

Real Marriage By Mark Drizz-Cull, Chapter 2

Real marriage chapter 2

This chapter starts out with Martin Luther King. It’s actualy a pretty interesting history lesson. Apparently he helped smuggle out 12 nuns becaues they all wanted to get married. All but one of them got Married, and Katherine said “either you find me a husband or you marry me yourself.”

So the former munk and the former nun got married. This was a huge scandal in the day because it was rumored that the anti christ would result form such a union.

Luther grew to love his wife, Katherine, and Mark driscoll talks about how they were best friends. Apparenty

Driscoll (I’m guessing it’s Mark talking here) goes on to talk about how friendship is the biggest part of marriage.

This, incidentaly, is the chapter that sucked my friend Jacob (not his real name) in. He was intruged by the idea of being best friends with your spouse, and hadn’t run across a book yet that talked about it. Unforuantely it got him sucked into other stuff, like wifely submission.

Jacob and I talked about sex waaaaaaay more than is seen as normal on Planet Adventist (I don’t know why; I’m an asexual, and he is very straight, and normally it’s frowned upon to discuss these things in mixed gendered groups.) and he was discussing how marriage should be about frienship first and foremost and that was my first exposure to this book. Jacob owned a copy of Real Marriage, and let me borrow it. Unfortuantely, I was going through my questioning fase, so I couldn’t make it past the first few chapters without giving up and telling Jacob, “I just can’t handle it all right now.”

So that is how I know which parts of this chapter to skim and which to pick up in detail.

Mark and Grace, in preparing this book, read all or part of 187 books on the subject, and not one of them had a chapter on how spouses are supposed to be your best friends.

Mark says that happy marriages are based on a couple’s friendship. Friendship means a desire and respect for each other’s company. He then announces that he and Grace are friends, which seems like a very toxic friendship to me but whatever.

Grace talks about how they were friends when dating, and it strained the friendship that she lied to Mark about the one and only time she ever cheated on him IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Grace says Mark felt he was alone because of the nature of his ministry. Grace would try to be tehre for him but Mark pushed her away and then got upset about it.

And then one day God convinced Mark to let Grace in, and they became friends again. Yay.

Friendship is an integral part of Christian marriage and a safeguard against emotional adultery.

Most marriage books/seminars/sermons only examine the bible verses on marriage, not the bible verses on friendship.

Song of Songs 5:16 This is my beloved, this is my friend.

The word friend needs to be used carefully. Co workers, classmates, and neighbors we hardly know are friends. People we meet on social media sites are not. We are to be friendly toward all people but friends to a few.

Dear god in heaven, I have no friends, then. I agree the word friend should be used more carefully, but people on social media sites can be closer than any IRL people we know, depending.

More talk about how marriage needs to resemble a friendship. Friends give without expecting to take, etc.

Mark and Grace Drizz-Cull like to spell friendship FRIENDS

F—fruitful

bangs inner 12 year old with a hammer

–Marriage exists to serve God and his kingdom

–Marriage and friendship exist to glorify god

–only when marriage exists for God’s glory are we able to love and be loves. So all you athiests out there, your marriages all suck, ok?

–God created marriage to be fruitful. This is why satan did not even show up until adam and eve were married.

Gee, I thought Satan didn’t show up till then because that was the first time god left them alone. Because if he’d shown up while god was still there creating Adam and Eve…. it would not have gone well for Satan.

–Satan hates the fruitfullness (snicker snicker) that can come from a couple serving God together in marriage.

R=Reciprocal

–It ony takes one spouse to be friendly, it takes both spouses to be friends.

–when people talk about “falling in love” it is to avoid taking the responsibiity. Faling is an accident, and so “falling in love” is used to take some of the responsibiilty off of themselves.

–the bible tells us to guard our hearts and not follow them, because our hearts are sinful

–We don’t love with our hearts, we love through our hearts. God pours love into our hearts, and then we give it out to our spouse. So, all you non Christian married people, you don’t really love each other. (Mark didn’t say that last sentence, I added it.)

–Mark then makes a list of things you can do for your spouse. I don’t actually have any disagreement with this, except for

[quote]“my husband will not leave the house without kissing me goodbye. Sometimes I try to avoid it, but he will stand in front of my car and climb in to make sure…”[/quote]

That one strikes me as kinda creepy. The others not so much. The other suggestions involve things like leaving your spouse notes where they will see them like on their car keys or on their steering wheel, buyhing them a Dr. Pepper at the end of the week when you know they are stressed, washing up the dishes after your wife cooks a dinner, etc.

I=intimate

Apparently there are 3 kinds of marriage: back to back, shoulder to shoulder, and face to face.

Back to back marriage–

Me: That’s where you got each other’s backs, right? Like, in a fight you put your backs to each other and that way you can always cover your partner and shoot the enemy?

Drizz-cull, however, thinks back to back marriage is when both spouses have turned their back on one another.

Shoulder to shoulder is when the couple works together on projects like keeping the home, raising the kids, etc.

face to face marriage is when they become friends and face each other, in addition to shoulder to shoulder work.

–women tend to have more friends, and these friendships tend to be deeper. This is because men typically have friends who have interest in shared activities. Jee, what does he think women friendships are made of, kittens and rainbows and cupcakes?

Men generally know very little about their friends, because their conversations tend to be about the task at hand (ie baseball) and not about the feelings they both have.

–this is why women do things men don’t do, like going out for coffee just to talk, or having intimate conversations, etc.

Mark’s advice to wives (at least, Grace hasn’t said she’s the one talking, so I’m assuming it’s Mark) is to share an activity with your husband. Watch sports with him (starts singing sports go sports! I promise I really totally care who wins! Go team yeah!). If your man is working on a project, stay nearby to help out, or at the very least keep him company.

For a wife to be a friend to her husband requires a lot of shoulder to shoulder work, apparently. I’m still not sure what that means.

Husbands, to learn to be a good friend to your wife, learn to listen to her intimate conversations. Open up and tell your wife how you are feeling and ask how she’s doing.Keep your advice to a minimum and learn to listen and empathize.

Resist the male urge to find the problem and try to fix it. No wife wants to be a person to be fixed rather than a person to be intimate with.

Silly me, I had no idea these things were supposed to be gendered, I just thought that both of these were what friends DO regardless of whether or not they identify as male/female.

Mark says that he asked Grace to be his functional pastor. This was surprsing, not just because Mark is such a manly man who needs nobody, (er, excuse me, he, “projects a sense of complete self sufficiency”) but because neither of them believe pastors are allowed to be women, according to the bible.

Grace is Mark’s intimate friend who pastors his heart. Isn’t that special.

E=Enjoyable.

Life sucks sometimes, and we need to be able to have people who make it enjoyable. Ecclesiastes 9:7-9 is quoted, which says to enjoy your days with your wife.

Life is short, like a breath on a cold morning yous ee an instant before it disappears.

God gives us spouses as enjoyable friends… he expects us to have fun.

Grace talks about weekly date night, which I actually think is a good idea.

Oooooh here’s an interesting quote. Last I checked Mark and Grace Drizz-cull did not claim to be seventh day adventists, and I’m sure SDAs don’t want to claim him, so this next part is interesting.

[quote]Family night every saturday is a similar rituatl (sabbath time with the family doing various low key things.)[/quote]

Sounds kinda like what most SDA families I know do on Saturday night. Actually, the preferred saturday night activity of most SDAs I know is watching a movie. Because you couldn’t watch any non Christian movies all during the sabbath, so most families I know of picked a secular movie and watched it the minute the sun slipped below the horizon. My brother and I used to count down the minutes till our little sundown calendar said it was time, then find the fastest clock in the house –ahem. Off topic, sorry.

I’ve just never really heard a Non SDA refer to any time on saturday as “sabbath” before, so, that’s interesting to me.

Every Sunday morning Mark leaves the house at 7am and doesn’t get home till 10pm because he is preaching all day.

Wow… what does he preach ABOUT for that long? Is it like, the same sermon 5 times over? I know some churches have an early morning service and an afternoon service, but no church I’ve ever been to has services as late as 10pm. I do know of one church in my town (there’s probably more, as it’s a big college town) that has 3 sunday services, but the latest one gets out at LEAST by like, 8pm at the ABSOLUTE latest. And at least one of the services is directed to college graduates, so I know it’s not the same sermon 3 times.

Anyway, Grace gets up early to make Mark breakfast. Poor Grace. I am so not a morning person and at that point my husband could make his own damn breakfast.

That is part of how they enjoy each other’s company.

N= needed

This section starts with a summary of God creating humans… 1st and 2nd chapter of genesis, not going to quote.

God made man. Then God took a rib from the man’s side and made a woman. Drizz-cull (and he’s not the only one I’ve heard preaching this) says it is

[quote]because she belongs at his side as an equal and not in front of him as feminism would teach or behind him as chauvinism would teach.[/quote]

Clearly, Drizz-cull does not understand what feminism means, or he would know that feminism is the equality of women.

Drizz-cull also says that the whole “woman came from a man’s rib” is probably why Grace likes to snuggle up to Mark’s side and feels at home there. Gag me with a spoon.

Mark says we all need human friendships in addition to friendships with God. Thank you! Yes, ugh! I can not TELL you how may times as a child I would tell an adult I ahd no friends and how much it bothered me, only to be told the only friend I needed was God. Even before I started questioning Christianity I knew that was bull and shit. I was also told this by my best friend of 10 years a lot… but she’s no longer speaking to me so fuck her anyway.

God’s answer to our need for human companionship is first a spouse, then other godly friends of our same gender.

Seriously?

1. I’m an aromantic asexual. If there is a god, I believe he created me this way AND I LIKE IT. If there is a god, it is the only thing I would be grateful to him for. I have no need for a spouse, but I still have a need for deep friendship. (The term “squish” is appropriate.)

2. Really? We can only have godly friends of our same gender? Because clearly it is not possible to be close friends with someone of the opposite gender without hopping in the sack together.

I’ve had at least 2 close guy friends. One ditched me because of mental issues, but he said he would’ve stopped speaking to me when he got married anyway because THOU SHALT NOT have opposite gender friends when married. The second close guy friend I have has said the same thing, he doesn’t believe in having opposite gender friends when married, but even he thinks it’s bullshit that some people think he and I can’t be close without developing a sexual and or romantic attraction. Because first off, I’m asexual and 2, I’m not his type.

So FUCK YOU Mark Driscoll for perpetuating the lies that make half my friends leave me.

Mark needed to get rid of the idea that a true man stands alone against the world. Right, because, that totally came from…. ? I don’t know any men who think that way.

God said that it is not good for man to be alone. For this reason, someone who says to their spouse “I don’t need you” is calling God a liar.

Honestly, if I was going to get married, I wouldn’t WANT the man to need me. I’d want to be with a man who is with me because he WANTS me, not because he NEEDS me. But then, I’m an aromantic asexual so what do I know. Thoughts?

Oh, and also, I seriously do NOT need a spouse, so FUCK YOU Mark Drizzle!

D=Devoted

A devoted friend is dependable… must agree with ecclesiastes 3:4 there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.

Being a devoted friend requires wisdom form the Holy Spirit… jee, nice to know my secular friends can never be dependable. Oh my God, is this how my current only Christian friend C sees me?

Mark talks a bit about devoted verses fake friends. Fake friends leave you when your life gets tough. Funnily enough, for me personally, those people have all been (seventh day adventist) Christians. The only devoted friends I’ve had are secular. Go figure. Yet Mark says that in order to be a devoted friend you must be a christian…

S= Sanctifying

[quote] Author Gary Thomas asked the vital question “what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”[/quote]

I’ve heard this a LOT in marriage seminars/books that I somehow ended up having to sit/read through even though I have the exact same level of interest in marriage I did when I was 12, that level being: zero.

Apparently we don’t learn how selfish and sinful we are until we live with someone in marriage. Huh. I’d think you could learn the same things about yourself living outside of marriage together. For example, going off to college and having a room mate, or even just living with a boyfriend. Apparently neither of those are options to Marky Boy.

Husbands and wives need to accept that they are married to imperfect people and to accept each other as they are while still helping them to grow.

True friends are revealed when someone has fallen into sin. They rush to help said friend. Our spouses need this more frequently than any other friend.

A married couple msut speak the truth in love so that they both may grow to be more like Jesus…

proverbs 27:6 faithful are the wounds of a friend, but kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

A spouse who never disagrees with you is not a true friend.

This chapter still does not explain how we are supposed to sanctify our spouses but whatever.

Closing note: marriage can be overhwelming, but Mark and Grace have found that the best way to work at it is to become friends, and that over time,the rest will sort itself out.

Real Marriage, by Mark Drizz-Cull Chapter 1

Cross posted from Free Jinger (I am still the OP)

Alright kiddies, gather round! It’s Halloween in a few weeks and Momma’s gonna read ya’all a HORROR story! This year, the book I have selected for your horrified amusement is: Real Marriage, by Mark and Grace DRISCOLL!

Don’t worry, though. I obtained it from the library. No money went to Mark or Grace Drizz-cull in the making of these reviews.

Let’s start with chapter one. Because introductions are boring, and basically just tell us all about what we’re already gonna read about anyway. (Actually, don’t usually think that way, but I skimmed this one and trust me, we’re not missing much.)

Chapter one begins with the story of Mark and Grace’s relationship, so that they will earn our trust.

Mark Blathers for a bit about that, and then Grace starts the story. The book is told by both of them, but so far is well marked when the viewpoint switches.

Grace starts off by talking about how the “seeds for the potential destruction of my marriage” were planted as a child. This is because she was PK, Pastor’s kid, and she felt this enormous pressure to be perfect. she grew up in a Christian home, but still somehow missed the memo on confession and repentance of sins. She felt like a no good dirty rotten sinner when she sinned, but, even as a PK, somehow missed the memo on God’s mercy and forgiveness.

When she would get in arguments with her sister, she would apologize because she wanted to get out of her time out, not because she was actually sorry. She never actually felt bad for what she’d done. Now when she sins she feels bad because she hurt people, and this empathy is prompted by the Holy Spirit, without whom she’d sound like someone who resembled a sociopath.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you have to be prompted by an invisible sky-daddy into feeling sorry for doing something wrong, you have a problem, and the answer is therapy, not god.

Grace had low self esteem growing up because she didn’t realize her identity needed to be founded on God creating her in his Image and Jesus gifting her with righteousness. Because any other way of finding your identity is bad, mmkay?

Back to Mark, and this paragraph is so outrageous I don’t know if he’s embellishing or outright lying. He diens’t give the name of the town in which he grew up, describing it merely as:

a very rough neighborhood near the airport in Seattle before it was incorporated as a city. Without a local police force, it resembled the wild west… multiple strip clubs, seedy massage parlors, and… prostitutes brazen enough to knock on my car window seeking “business.

In other words: The “wrong” side of the tracks. And here is the part I find…. ?

These young women (the aforementioned prostitutes) attended my high school, and serial killers murdered some of them. Ted Bundy and the Green River Killer picked up many of their victims in my neighborhood, even dumping at least two of their bodies at my little league field.

It’s not enough for Mark to have grown up in a bad neighborhood, there must also be serial killers involved. How does he know they were women prostitutes anyway? Most of the prostitutes in my grandma’s town are actually male, even if dressed otherwise.

He goes on to describe all the men on his father’s side as criminals, uneducated, mental patients, and abusers. He’s pretty sure some of them have been on the TV show Cops.

This might all be true, but it’s sounding wilder and wilder by the minute.

Mark was determined to get out of all of this, to get an education and live across the river on the right side of the tracks. To this day (The day of this writing, what was it, 2005?) He has never smoked, drank, or did drugs. Congratulations, what does he want, a medal, or a chest to pin it on?

He was the “good guy” in high school, He graduated most likely to succeed, man of the year, editor of the school newspaper… bla bla I think I’ll give Mark a chest to pin it on. No, I’ll give him a medal, so I can stab him with it.

Oh, and his parents were Catholic. We all know what THAT means.

he met Grace when he was 17. Despite being a PK, Grace was into drugs and partying. He describes her as naive, and then goes on for a whole paragraph about how innocent is different from naive; the former is healthy, the latter is dangerous. I would agree, but this is a 17 year old we’re talking about here, and I would be surprised to find most 17 year olds actually being innocent. whatever.

Mark announces that neither he nor Grace was a virgin when they met, and that they had sex together before marriage. Sadly, this is not as detailed as they will get about their sex lives.

Mark declined a trip to Mexico because the company sending him said he would receive VIP treatment, which involved a lot of alcohol and women. he declined the offer to stay faithful to Grace. Yo dude, just because those things are there doesn’t mean you have to make use of them. That’s probably not why your company representative sent you to Mexico anyway.

Mark joined a fraternity in college, and the fraternity did nothing but drink, party, and have lots of sex. His pledge class ended up getting arrested. He doesn’t say what for, and it sounds like they all got arrested at once but that sounds hard to believe.

Mark said he got out just in time to avoid spending his nights and weekends in jail, prayze duh lawd.

God saved Mark while he was sitting in his dorm, reading a bible Grace had given him. He goes on to say that Grace should have broken up with him when she found out he wasn’t a Christian, but instead gave him a bible. Mark read Romans 1:6 “You are also among those who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.”

Mark trotted off to find himself a church. He didn’t know what to look for, and, rightfully so in my opinion, was afraid of getting caught up in a cult.

by the grace of God, I ended up in a solid bible teaching church, where I was taught about Jesus, marriage, sex, and family.

Alright kids, let’s play a game! It’s called, “Which word does not belong?”

A) Jesus
B) Marriage
C) Sex
D) Family

Seriously? Jesus might be first on the list, but you can tell he’s only mentioned as an after thought. Because the REAL spirituality of the church is measured in their teachings on the last 3. Most people I know of, when the first came to church, talked about how they learned about Jesus and his love, Jesus and his life, death, and resurrection, Jesus taking the punishment for our sins…. other basic gospel stuff, bla bla. No, Mark was excited to find this church because Marriage (which involves sex) sex, and family (which is created by SEX!) Oh and Jesus. Jesus does not have to do with sex, except in kinky porn novels.

Meanwhile, Grace got converted too. No, we don’t get to hear about it. She gave up drinking and partying, which, I don’t see why alcohol was so important to give up, as in moderation it isn’t a bad thing, and I didn’t THINK Mark and Grace were of the sort that think alcohol is ob da debbil and should never be consumed by a living soul.

Grace transferred to Mark’s college (Heaven forbid it be the other way around, I guess) and they began going to church together. and it was then that Mark began learning about sex and marriage from the bible.

the previous church I attended was Catholic, with a priest who seemed to be a gay alcoholic. He was the last person on earth I wanted to be like. To a young man, a life of poverty, celibacy, living at the church, and wearing a dress was more frightful than going to hell, so I stopped going to church.

That, folks, is Mark’s definition of the catholic priest. I could understand an aversion to being an alcoholic, but oh my gosh, I gotta go find some pearls to clutch, because heaven help Mark if he turns out GAY because apparently being gay is a moral issue in the same category as being an alcoholic.

By contrast, the pastor at this new church had been in the military, earned a few degrees, was smart, humble, and bow hunted. He had sex with his wife. I don’t know how Mark knew that. I mean, I generally ASSUME pastors who have wives are sexually active, but it’s not like it’s anything they or their wives talk to me about. Not that I’ve ever been close to any pastors (SDA ones all scare me) but I’ve gotten close to a few of their wives, enough to hear some TMI stuff. However, none of that TMI stuff has been at all about their sex lives. That was a closed door, and I never sought to open it. I don’t know if Mark here is just assuming the pastor has sex with his wife, or if he knows for sure. Either way, it’s a very odd thing to bring up when talking about how good a person is.

Mark describes the men at this church as godly and masculine. Because masculinity is next to godliness, clearly. He and Grace met a family with 13 children, 11 girls and 2 boys. I wondered briefly if they were the Duggars, but then realized the boy/girl ratio was off.

Mark heard a bible study given by a pastor who taught from the bible about “the f-word.” No, of course not. The F-word means FORNICATING, silly. What were you thinking?

Anyway, Mark finally learned about how fornicating is wrong even if you’re in a committed relationship, so he and grace stopped, got engaged, and got married before their senior years of college.

And now, the REAL what the fuckery begins. *plays ominous music* :violin: There, now the mood is set. Don’t read this in the dark, children, or you may see monsters in the shadows.

Anyway, after marrying Grace, things were different. Before marriage, Grace had been free and fun. After marriage she was “a frigid and fearful wife.” She didn’t undress in front of him and insisted marital relations, if performed at all, were to be done in the dark. She also experienced physical discomfort due to tension.

I will admit that it does seem like there is a problem here, though I’ve no idea what it could be. Perhaps Grace should speak to a trained therapist about it, and in the mean time see a gynecologist to make sure it IS tension making things painful downstairs and not something more serious.

All of this made Mark bitter against God and his wife. He felt they had both tried to trap him. he was the good guy, and since he’d only slept with a few other people, he felt God owed him because he had been holy enough.

I felt God had conned me by telling me to marry Grace, and allowed Grace to rule over me since she was controlling our sex life. I loved grace, but in the bedroom I did not enjoy her and wondered how many years I could white knuckle fidelity. Grace was so full of shame and hurt from previous relationships that she didn’t trust that i loved her, no matter how many times I said it. she became afraid of me and felt used as i tried to explain how she frustrated me sexually, which added to her feeling less valuable. we both needed help but didn’t know where to turn.

Couple of things here:

1. Jee, no wonder Grace felt unloved. Love is an action, not a word. You can tell a person ” I love you” over and over again, but if you constantly treat them like a piece of trash “Grace was ruling over me” “Grace was controlling our sex life,” etc. No one is going to believe you.

2. Grace was ruling over Mark by controlling their…. OH GOOD GOD! This just smacks of “women must be available for sex at all times and never say no.” After all, would it still be a bad thing if MARK was the one controlling their sex life?

They were poor for a few years after graduation… bla bla bla, I don’t care. They felt called to start a church in Seattle. For the first 2 years they couldn’t afford to pay Mark.

Grace talking now. She realizes she never followed the biblical command to leave her family and cleave to Mark as her new family. She called her mom daily and complained whenever she and Mark were fighting.

It is odd for a married woman to call her mom daily, I think. I’m moved out, and I call my mom once a week, maybe twice if something big is going on. And there can be value in being able to talk about issues with one’s husband with a woman who is older and wiser than you and been there and done that and can help out and give a little advice.

However, if she was complaining about Mark every single day to her mom… ehhhh. I know a person who got married and then spent dates with her new husband texting her mother. Even though they could afford to do otherwise, this girl insisted they move in with her mother. And then her mother posted on facebook, all joy and smiles, that she was waking up her daughter to go to school because it was her daughter’s first day as teacher.

Seriously? After I hit my teens, my mom only woke me up if she thought my alarm clock had failed me. That only happened on average of twice a school year.

So it can be very devastating to a marriage to still be super dependent on your mom, and that sounds like waht is going on here.

Grace’s parents also had the keys to the house, and would stop by any time, unnannounced. This lack of privacy frustrated introverted Mark. Well yeah, that would frustrate me too. I mean, if my mom lived nearby she would have the keys to my house, but that would be with the understanding that they were only to be used in emergencies. Like when I was sick with flu and couldn’t take 5 steps without feeling like I was going to faint. That does not sound healthy.

I called them “My family” which made Mark feel as if he and I weren’t family. I had to learn to… refer to Mark as “my family” and others as our “extended family.”

Is… is this a thing in real life? do people actually do this? As an aromantic asexual I highly doubt I will ever marry (it just doesn’t appeal to me) but if I did, I could NEVER refer to my dad, mom, and brother, as “extended family.” Heck, I don’t even refer to my own GRANDMA that way. To me she is “my family.” My cousins are “my family,” my really grouchy step grandma, though not biologically, is “my family.” The only people I personally refer to as extended family are relatives I never see, and even then, I tend to see them as “family I haven’t met yet.”

I would NEVER want to permanently attach myself to someone who was so insecure that I couldn’t even refer to my own mother and father and grandma and cousin as “my family.” Oh good god.

I’m taking a small vodka break. I’ve got about another 8 pages to go in this chapter, and it’s my goal to get it done tonight. We’ll see, though, as I’m in minor amounts of pain, and not just from reading this horror story.

Now I’ve got more vodka, I’m ready, I think. Mark is still talking. He said they did ministry in their home every night a week. Mark is an introvert, who prefers home to be a refuge where he can have his alone time.

For once I actually agree and sympathize with Mark. I would feel the exact same way. It sounds like something he needs to discuss with his wife so they can set appropriate boundaries between home and ministry. All during the ministry their sex life was suffering, even as they taught premarital counseling for young couples.

Then Grace got pregnant. She suffered a lot of stress from her job, so she came home from work and they lived on odd jobs and support. which probably means free stuff from people trying to support to their ministry.

In this season we shifted into ministry and family mode, neglecting our intimacy and failing to work through our issues. This became apparent to me when my pregnant wife came home from a hair appointment with her previously long hair (that I loved) chopped off and replaced with a short, mommish haircut. She asked what I thought, and could tell from the look on my face. She had put a mom’s need for convenience over being a wife. She wept.

It’s one thing not to like your wife’s new haircut. That is allowed. Even with friends, I’ve been known to say something like, “well, I liked it the other way better, but having short hair is more convenient. And I don’t think it makes you look ugly. I just liked it better before.” Because I’m not the type to tell them I like it when I don’t. Though I do try to remain tactful.

It’s another thing to act like your wife has totally betrayed her wifely duties by cutting it. I just…

Oh my god, I thought THAT was bad. We’re coming up to the paragraph I believe has been discussed here before, but I’ll quote it anyway because someone might not have read it.

One night, I had a dream in which I saw some things that shook me to my core. I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating. It was so clear it was like watching a film–something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelations I sometimes receive. I awoke, threw up, and spent the rest of the night sitting on our couch, praying, hoping it was untrue and waiting for her to wake up so I could ask her.

I asked her if it was true. She confessed it was. Grace started weeping and apologizing, but I honestly don’t remember the details, as I was shocked. Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her.

The first time I read this, I kind of skipped over the whole “I had a vision part.” Now it’s leaping out at me. Before, I was too busy with the last sentence, “If I had known about this sin, I would not have married her.”

Ow. Oh ouch. And I don’t mean my knee, which incidentally is why I’m here instead of touring a 3 story haunted house.

It happened in HIGH SCHOOL. When they had JUST STARTED dating. Her cheating on him in high school would have stopped him from marrying her during their senior year of college. Don’t get me wrong, I think Grace should’ve been honest with him from the start. But I still think he’s being a big baby about it. I mean, they were children in high school for buddha’s sake, he’s going to hold a grudge over… I was enraged when I first read that.

It showed he didn’t see Grace as a person, with her own personality. He didn’t say something like, “you know what, that was a long time ago. You are the love of my life. I am a little hurt, but you know what? I was so in love with you I’d have married you anyway.”

It felt like Mark saw Grace as tarnished by her cheating, and therefore not worth having as a wife.

Grace picks up the narrative, talking about how Mark had “righteous anger” about the subject and felt totally betrayed. Mark didn’t know what to do, Mark felt, bla bla bla shouldn’t MARK be the one narrating how HE felt?

Grace felt guilty. They both felt stuck in the marriage. Grace felt awful knowing Mark wished he hadn’t married her.

Grace admits they should have gone for counsel, but they didn’t. Grace thought that exposing the deepest sin would help heal her and Mark and bring them closer together, but it didn’t happen for another 7 years. They were trapped in the marriage because divorce is ob da debbil because BYE-BULL.

Grace goes on to say some people will use that story against her and Mark, but they wanted to share it anyway so they could help others.

Mark talking: he was mad that Grace chose not to reveal that sin in their premarital counseling sessions….

you know, I feel like if God was going to reveal that to Mark, it should have been either before they got married, or saved it for such a time as they could fully heal and deal with it. It just seems odd for God to give Mark the revelation even though he knew they’d have to wait 7 years to heal properly, and shouldn’t God have waited fro Grace to tell Mark, anyway? Wouldn’t it have been a lot better for Grace to wait a little longer, but open up to Mark herself, than to have sky-daddy tattle on her?

This story does not paint God in a good light. Juuuuuust sayin’.

Mark felt like a total fool after he discovered Grace’s sin, and ended up demonizing Grace and doubting God.

Grace said she knew she should have told Mark, but believed that telling him would only hurt him more, and it was just a one time mistake anyway.

Grace began to fear that God was too good for her, that she didn’t deserve such a good husband. She grew emotionally distant because she was afraid he was going to leave her.

I think one of my house mates is watching a horror movie, because the ominous music just left my head and entered reality. OH wait, that’s not ominous music, it’s American Idol and they really do sound that badly. Whoops. Back to Drizz-Cull.

Mark made a decision not to turn to porn, adultery, or masturbation. Which is sad because I think he could really use a good wank. Instead, Mark poured all his energy into his ministry and children. No I don’t mean his sexual energy.

lots of long paragraphs about trust issues…

They were both very bitter… Grace wishes she’d listened to God’s voice leading her to repentance… right, because Mark’s behavior is totally appropriate either…

Mark preached on song of sons… snicker snicker. Lots of people went to Mark for counseling. Lots of sexual abuse victims…

God kept Mark and Grace together. They had mediocre sex which resulted in 5 children and one miscarriage. They both say they still loved each other, and maybe that’s true but it doesn’t seem like it.

Then God spoke to Mark and told him that He was Grace’s father and had chosen Mark for the important mission of rescuing, protecting, and loving His daughter. This made more sense to Mark, because Mark had a newborn daughter, Ashely, and he realized that God loved Grace like Mark loved Ashley.

And finally after about 7 years or so, Mark found out (hopefully not via more tattling by sky-daddy) that Grace’s problem was that she was a victim of sexual assault and had never told anyone. Mark talked about how much all of this hurt him as they worked through it. To his credit, he realized he had been overbearing and boorish.

Details about Mark’s ministry at the time… they did a bunch of new things with the church and lost around a thousand people due to changes and criticism (no, he doesn’t spell out what the issues were, exactly.) They laid off a lot of people, many of whom Mark says were great people, and decided everything in the church would change or they would walk.

It kind of sounds like half the problem was Mark putting in too many hours, but then why would you lay off people like that? This don’t make no sense!

Finally, he and Grace got some professional help. They now have a healthy sex life and are very close to each other. They never cheated on each other during their married years.

Parts of this book are things Mark has preached about in… he proceeds to list different countries…. *stabs Mark with medal*

Mark and Grace pray that the contents in the book lead to the healing of your soul and of your marriage if you suffer from bitterness, past sexual sin, porn, fornication, sexual abuse… etc.

Tune in next time to read the next chapter: Friends with Benefits!

The Bible Man Adventure: Defeating The Shadow of Doubt

Update on Buttercream Gang Secret of Treasure Mountain: The DVD arrived today. I will be reviewing it… soon. I hope. For now, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time…

Callie W, this post is for you. See, when Callie found out I was doing these posts, she was all, “oh man, you GOTTA do bible man!”

Me: Bible Man?

Callie: yeah, on Sabbath I could either watch that or Veggie Tales. Most of the time it was Veggie Tales, but occasionally I would get tired of that and watch Bible man. Then I’d remember why I never watched Bible Man and went back to watching VeggieTales. Here, I’ll send you the videos.

Me: Ok, uh, wait, REAL videos? As in, big bulky things with tape inside that spins around on wheels?

Callie: Yup

Me: are you also sending the VCR?

So, that didn’t happen. Fortunately, Youtube to the rescue! The link she gave me was the song Prince of Pride. It was a long 4 to 5 minute song and I laughed my head off the whole time. And I was completely and utterly sober. And then I knew she was right; I needed to do Bible Man.

I said some things to her when I was inebriated, so I doubt she’ll ever speak to me again, but Callie W, this post is for you.

Closed captioning what…. YOUTUBE HAS SUBTITLES! I am saved. We open with a man in a black coat and hat standing in the rain.

Except oh God… instead of “Wealth, status, success,” Youtube has translated that to “Well stabbing success.” Sooo maybe these subtitles aren’t going to help much. Anyway, if the screenshots look a tad ridiculous, blame youtube.

Anyway, the man in the rain is apparently a man who’s name I didn’t catch, who has wealth, status, and success. He does not do well at stabbing people. Or does he?

Anyway, despite the wealth and success this man had, there was something missing. We are then shown the main in the rain screaming, opening a brief case, and emptying it of its contents. No, the contents are not money, they’re papers. The man screams like he is dying as he does this, then he falls to the ground.

His name is Miles. I didn’t catch the last name. Youtube says it’s “Markers,” but I don’t believe it. I think I have to turn off the “subtitles” or I’ll be laughing all night.

As he is down on the ground screaming, he digs through the dirt with his hands and finds a bible. Because people go around burying random bibles, I guess? Like seriously where did THAT come from?

Anyway, Miles Peterson (not Marker, apparently) “suddenly has a burning desire to know Jesus–”

Whacks inner 12 year old with a hammer.

So anyway, Miles pledged to fight evil (not people, YouTube subtitles) in the name of God as…. BIBLEMAN!

Lots of cheesy 80s graphics flash across the scene, including lightening, crossed light sabers, and a bible cross

Aaaand I think this is the Bibleman theme song?

Google couldn’t find the lyrics, and I don’t feel like listening to it a zillion times to type them out myself. I will say that it was not so intolerable I couldn’t listen to it, like some Donut songs have been.

Scene changes. We’re at a church. the pastor (I think?) is discussing community outreach. This year for the community outreach they will be featuring a performing arts team.

For Youtube, this is a great match.

The pastor keeps talking, but then lightening strobes, and I get a headache, because strobe lights don’t agree with me, which is a very small reason I’m not at a 4 story haunted house tonight. (The main reason is my bum knee. I can’t handle that much walking/running, and I’m pretty sure they don’t allow wheelchairs.)

We’re shown a close up of the heating vent, and strobe lights, and then shown to… what? A secret underground lab?

I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it. We are then shown a brick wall as ominous music plays. Ummmm ok?

Back at the church, people are clapping. The pastor announces that the drama team is going to do a preview by dancing to the song The Armor of God. I’ve never heard of this song before, so I’m interested.

Ugh. My knee hurts. I hope I remember where I put my icyhot

Bibleman found it for me.

In the secret underground lab, green goo falls to the floor. We hear noise, which Y-tube translates as “one mom.” SNORT. I could laugh at this all day. Seriously though, I wish for REAL subtitles.

On stage, we are shown the drama team. The first shot is behind peoples’ heads. Seriously, videographers?

music: It’s a constant fight between wrong and right

Shots of the drama team are interspersed with green goo leaking in the basement. Ugh. I wish they’d just let us watch the drama team, they’re more interesting. THEN maybe show us the green goo.

I want popcorn. I do not have popcorn. My knee hurts too much to walk to the store. rawr.

A brick falls out in the room downstairs. Upstairs, the drama team is still dancing to the song.  Downstairs, a voice says, “so sure of themselves in their own little world.”

At least, I think that’s what they’re saying. Youtube says they’re saying, “killed.”

Shadow(continuing): time for a wake up call folks. Bibleman won’t always have the answers. say hello to

a man comes into the underground lab scene. “Excuse me mr. shadow,” she says. He then moves an item across the floor. Youtube translates the shuffling sounds as “you don’t really need it.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA ahem.

Oh wait, that’s not youtube, that person is really saying that: “Excuse me, Mr. Shadow, you don’t really need that wall because those bricks, they aren’t real. so you could probably just walk around.”

Mr. Shadow: I know that! I do it for effect. to be more scary.

Well, at least Shadow puts effort into his work.

The scene changes. Sirens are blaring, red and blue. ATTENTION BIBLEMAN blares over the alarms. My head hurts listening to it.

Youtube translates this as “tension, tension!” which sorry, there is none of that in this movie.

We are shown ancient computers that look like old pacman games, and Bibleman and his side kick “coats” are at them. Apparently his password is John 3:16, TOTALLY something I’d never guess if I was trying to break into Bibleman’s computer.

Coats announces he has a vector lock on the transmission, whatever that means. These computers are the kind you talk to, which reminds me of what the 1980s people thought futuristic computers would be like. Remember the Star Trek movie?

“Ah, a keyboard! How quaint.”

The computer’s name is Eunice and she sounds CREEPY.

Coats wishes the computer would talk to him, and after being denied, he calls the computer an “overgrown gigapet”

Why is he called “Coats?” I’ve never seen this guy wear one.

And btw, John 3:16 is NOT the magic word. Everyone knows the magic word is “please.” I wrote that in my notes, and the computer doesn’t end up telling us that until much later.

Finally the message shows up on the screen.

“Bibleman,” the man on screen begins, “something’s very wrong here. some of our church members are acting…. strange.

I’m most concerned about a young girl named Kyla. Lately Kyla’s parents have been struggling with arguing. Please come right away. one last thing: We keep finding these.

He holds up an object, but the quality of this recording makes it hard to tell. Looks like a chocolate bar to me.

Struggling with arguing? What an odd phrasing. I’ve never heard anyone say that before. I’ve heard them say “struggling with anger” or “struggling in their marriage,” but “struggling with arguing?” Like the solution to these problems are that the parents just… stop arguing. Right. That would solve everything, wouldn’t it.

After the transmission, Coats asks Bibleman “what do you think?”

Bibleman says he doesn’t know, but he’s never seen pastor Rex so disturbed before.

Really? Cause this is not the most disturbing thing a pastor has ever seen. Juuuuuust sayin’. Unless, maybe, it is their first time ever being in the position of a pastor?

Moving along from that obvious inconsistency,

Bibleman tells Coats to ready the chamber, because it’s time for “Bibleman.” Coats turns to the computer and asks what the magic word is.

Eunice: Please, of course.

I think Eunice is my favorite character, not that that’s saying much.

Anyway, we never learn what “ready the chambers” means, because the next scene is of the pastor pointing out Kyla to Bibleman, who looks like Batman went to India on color day.

Boy, she looks depressed. Maybe she should see a child psychiatrist. Though it sounds like her parents need that more than she does.

Bibleman: Well, I can’t say I’d blame her. There’s nothing harder or sadder than watching your parents argue.

As hard and sad as it was for me to watch mine argue, I can think of at least 5 things off the top of my head that are both harder AND sadder.

But I digress.

Bibleman(to Kyla): They say that misery loves company, so, can I join you?

Kyla:

Bibleman: that was supposed to be a joke

Kyla: (sarcastically) Ha Ha

Bibleman: Romans 12:16 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

Wait, the bible really says that? Because I’ve had it preached to me all my life that when someone is unhappy, it is your job to make them joyful again. Many on Planet Adventist don’t know how to empathize.

Yanno, I have no idea if this man is a Christian, but he’s like, happy all the time. And then one day he asked me why I didn’t look so happy and I told him I had to fly the next day and was practically shitting myself. His tone changed immediately. He was serious and sympathetic as he talked to me about how he had the same problem too, and that he would give me a nice book on the subject that helped him, and he hoped it would help me too. He didn’t exactly weep with me, but he lost the outward happy happy joy joy persona, because he knew it wasn’t appropriate for the topic of conversation.

So I am very surprised to learn the bible even says such a thing. Huh. I learned my one new thing every day.

Bibleman: do you want to talk about it?

Kyla: That’s nice of you Bibleman. It won’t do any good. I doubt my parents will ever change

So, without being introduced, she knows who Bibleman is. She doesn’t run away from the batman like character screaming, or even ask who he is. In this universe, is Bibleman a well known character?

Bibleman: Kyla you’ve been a Christian long enough to know that talking to me might not stop your parents from arguing, But talking to God, now that’s different.

This, folks, is totally the face of a man I’d trust to talk to about my family problems. NOT.

Kyla: All I know is that I’ve been praying and praying and nothing has changed. And then today it all became clear. It feels like God doesn’t even care.

I read in one of the Youtube reviews of this show that that trick only works if the string is tight, but I digress, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t done that trick since I was a little kid.

Bibleman: Now Kyla, Ephesians something something says God loves us very much

Kyla: I know that’s what I’m supposed to believe Bibleman, but I’m not sure anymore.

Shadow: This is delightfully doubtful

Bibleman: Trust in the Lord, Kyla, God has a plan for you and your parnets and he won’t let you down. Now, you said today it all became clear. How?

Well, after thinking about it, I came to the logical conclusion that God doesn’t care.

Silly me, of course, no one who EVER uses logic could come to THAT conclusion. eyeroll.

Kyla: It just came to me. I was down in the church basement looking for some….

Youtube translates this as pain, but I can’t make out the real word myself. I highly doubt a little girl was looking around for pain, but, sure, we’ll go with that.

Kyla: And then I found this box

Kyla: And I hadn’t seen anything like it before so I opened it. And then it all just became clear. And I figured God probably had better things to worry about.

She takes back the box. First off, that box doesn’t look like anything special tome. Second, it had to be a box, didn’t it? A box is causing all the doubt, not, I don’t know, actual rational thinking. Or even irrational thinking, if that’s how you see it. Kyla is going through some tough stuff here. It doesn’t take a special object in order to cause a little girl to put two and two together and realize that, since God isn’t helping her, he must not care about her. You Christians are free to interpret the lack of intervention any way you like, but even the most conservatives would agree that it doesn’t take a box to cause doubt.

Kinda reminds me of the show Warehouse 13.

Arty: “Pete, Micah, we got a ping.”

Pete and Micah: A ping?

Arty: There’s a box over in New Jersey that’s causing people to doubt their faith in God. I want you to snag it, bag it, and tag it.

Pete and Micah: That doesn’t sound like particularly terrible thing.

Arty: All artifacts have a downside, now get going!

Back to Bibleman, who has apparently discovered an artifact. He needs to call Pete and Micah to throw it in a bag of purple goo ASAP.

Bibleman: Well that’s just not true. Jesus loves you and your parents more than you will ever know.

Boy, he always manages to look so…. angry in this scene. It’s possibly not intentional but I still find it creepy as hell.

Kyla: I gotta go. thanks anyway.

Run Kyla! Run away from the weird man in the costume!

Youtube translates: Thanks anyway as “thanks Amy.” I might start calling Bibleman Amy now, snicker snicker.

Bibleman gets permission from the pastor to take a look around the church basement. When pastor Rex asks if there’s anything he can do for Kyla, the response is, “you can pray for her.”

Don’t most pastors have basic 101 counseling skills? Maybe he should be the one to go talk to Kyla since he probably knows her a jillion times better than Bibleman does?

There’s a brief argument between Shadow and Ludicrous about whether or not Shadow should turn himself into a hologram. I’m with Ludicrous, it’s a great idea. Villians of the 1980s just had no imagination. Shadow tells Ludicrous to put the box over there “where I told you to.” And that’s how we know he’s a villain; because he can’t get off his ass and do it himself.

Bibleman immediately grabs his light saber and flicks it on. No, I’m not kidding, there really are light sabers in this movie. I’m surprised there aren’t copyright issues.

Seeing no one there, Bibleman sheeths his lightsaber and moves toward the box. We hear Shadow singing softly from the….er, shadows:

Now the scripture shouter

will become a scripture doubter

in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaysment

Which is a lot different from what Youtube thinks he’s saying…

Speech you Pecans should

daaaaaaaaay peace

Which I think is more interesting even if it makes no sense.

Bibleman picks up the box and, stupidly, opens it.

Shadow: (still singing)

What a silly picture

when he loses trust in scripture

Where your faaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyth went haha

I’m sure we’re all supposed to be screaming “don’t open that box!” at the TV, but…. frankly, I don’t care?

Bibleman opens the box. A green glow spins around his head

Shadow jumps out and says, “surprise, Bible oom.”

Youtube tells me he said “surprise bedroom” but I doubt it.

Bibleman(turning on his light saber): I never was one for surprises. Especially from those with bad teeth.

Bibleman: you really should floss you know.

Youtube closed captioning: Should flash you

Ow. Oh ow. No one told me it HURT when you squirted vodka out your nose because you laughed so hard. Oow !!!!

Shadow: The bible says to be careful when entertaining strangers for you might end up entertaining angels unawares

Bibleman: Yes but fallen angels are hardly entertaining

Youtube closed captioning: yes but fallen angels party in 18, are you sure about that?

Clearly I should not drink anything while doing this.

Also, I almost think fallen angels would be more entertaining… Just sayin’.

More Jedi lightsaber fighting.

It turns out Shadow agrees with me. “Are you sure about that, Bibleman?” He says, breathing green glowy stuff onto Bibleman.

Bibleman: I believe in God and the bible with all my heart. And now, a word from my sponsor

Youtube: A word from my spots.

No, the video doesn’t go into commercial break. Just more light saber fighting. The Jedi did it better.

Shadow: One day your scripture will do you no good

Me: that day has come and gone

Youtube closed captioning: Monday instruction will do you no good.

Guess I’d better avoid taking instructions on Monday, then.

Bibleman falls down. Shadow says something I agree with: Goodbye, farewell. Parting is such a…. pain in the neck.

Because sweet sorrow my ass!

Meanwhile back at the secret underground lab that is neither secret nor underground, Eunice can’t figure out what the heck the box is made of. Surprise surprise.

Coats: Miles, you’ve been working on this very hard for quite a long time. Maybe you should give it some time, take a rest.

Bibleman: Alright Eunice, let’s start from the top. Run the battle scenes again and compare them with my digital testimony.

Whatever that means.

Coats: Miles, MILES! You have GOT to rest. We all need rest.

Miles: you weren’t there Coats, you didn’t experience what I went through.

Coats: I know I wasn’t there but I’m your friend and I AM worried about you.

Miles: Kyla is in trouble and I have to help

They continue to argue like that for a while. I wish Coats would use rational arguments. Here are the completely rational arguments I would use:

1. In EMT school we were taught YOU come first. Because if something happens to you, guess how much help you are to the patient? Miles would be A  LOT more help to Kyla if he took a rest.

2. Actually, he’d be MORE help to Kyla if he got some rest, because our brains don’t think very clearly when we are exhausted.

3. The bible says our body is the temple of God. If we don’t take care of our temple, how can we expect God to be able to speak to us?

Finally, practically kicking and screaming (mentally, at least) he decides to tell Eunice to shut down for the night. Eunice says “access denied. You didn’t say the magic word.”

Bibleman and Coats together, both sounding annoyed: Please.

Scene change. The next morning at pastor Rex’s church, we see Kyla on the stage coloring a poster. The images become blurred as she remembers. Kyla’s parents had a really big argument last night. We’re not shown what they were arguing about. I’m going to guess it was about crunchy vs smooth peanut butter. Kyla leaves the house as her parents argue, sits down on the doorstep, and sobs.

Back in the present, Bibleman comes up and says hi to her. Kyla jumps up.

Kyla: You!

Kyla(continuing) You said everything would be alright! Well it’s not, it’s worse!

She’s shouting now, and everyone has stopped what they are doing to watch her argue with Bibleman. Poor kid.

Bibleman stammers

Kyla: Where was God last night? My parents fought all night.

We’re shown a shot of The Shadow of Doubt filing his nails, so I don’t hear all of what Kyla is saying. When we finally get back to hear she’s still shouting.

Kyla: …..don’t love me! You don’t love how I feel! Nobody does not even God!

Bibleman tries to say something, but the green glow comes around his head.

Bibleman: God must care, he must, the bible says–

Kyla: You’re not even sure!

And with that, Kyla runs away. Too bad she won’t be doing that for the rest of the movie. The other kids look on, and I can’t tell if they’re disappointed in Bibleman, or upset at them for upsetting their friend like that.

Shadow(still filing his nails): Oh Bibleman, you’re just too easy!

That’s… actually what I was thinking. It’s almost no fun to snark on this because it’s just so OBVIOUSLY bad I feel like I’m shooting ducks in a barrel. I almost feel…. guilty.

Shadow(continues): One more dose of my doubt toxins and Bibleman will be begging me for mercy.

And now it’s time for Shadow’s song! Callie told me that every villain in this series had its own song. I can’t get the lyrics, and apparently the one on youtube isn’t the real song, but the visuals with a different song dubbed over it. I hate it when they do that. So I won’t be posting the song.

This song is full of cheesy 80s corny graphics, and I can’t hear the lyrics, so I can’t tell if it’s as bad as it looks. I’m told the villains had awesome songs, though. I don’t know man, that Prince of Pride one was even worse than a lot of the Donut Repair Club songs.

After that, we see Bibleman barging into the basement. The shadow of doubt is waiting for him.

Shadow of Doubt: Hi, how may I help you? Today’s special is….

Oh I can’t make it out and it’s not important anyway because BIbleman almost immediately starts fighting. Light sabers clash.

Bibleman: 2 Timothy 2:19 God’s word is a rock foundation…

Or something, I didn’t catch it all due to hearing problems. Here is the relevant verse, from the (super evil, in some people’s opinion) NIV:

[quote]Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”[/quote]

Bibleman: And that means YOU

More light saber fighting.

Shadow: Missed me missed me now you gotta…. nevermind.

Funniest. Line. In the whole episode.

More fighting. Shadow brings out his acme instant minions (Just add Evil!) he never leaves Hades without them.

More fighting. I’m not really into fight scenes, but there’s not much to describe about this one anyway except that THE JEDI DID IT BETTER.

I blinked, what happened? Bibleman is alone in the room. He kneels down and prays. “Lord, forgive me. What’s happened to me?”

First off, Bibleman doesn’t need to apologized. He’s been whammied by an artifact, meaning he’s not totally in control of his beliefs and thoughts right now. It’s happened to each member of the Warehouse 13 team at least once, and when it happens, they understand that the person who’s been affected by the artifact isn’t responsible for their actions. Why, then, is Bibleman somehow responsible for his own doubt when it is in fact a chemical that caused it? That has been established in the narrative.

Bibleman has nothing to apologize for, and any good god would recognize that.

Coats: I’ve made a breakthrough miles

Miles: I’m not sure it matters anymore coats

Coats: Come on Miles, you’ve faced tougher battles than this.

Miles: I know. It’s not the battles. It’s me.

Coats:?

Miles: I know God will never let me down but lately, I’ve been doubting

I’m going to interject here with a quote my (secular) Spanish teacher (at a secular college) told us:

Faith which does not doubt is dead faith.—Miguel de Unamuno

For you see, my Spanish teacher explained, Faith that doesn’t doubt, doesn’t question, or anything like that… it doesn’t grow. It just stays stagnant. And pretty soon, you begin to stop having faith at all. Doubt is not a bad thing. Doubt is not the enemy. You see, doubt causes us to seek for answers, and to search out the truth. It causes us to make breakthroughs in science, and even in the faith. Because doubt causes us to seek out answers constantly, and that refreshes our faith constantly in our mind. And because of healed doubts, our faith can be made stronger.

Doubt is not the enemy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that doubt is our friend.

Unfortunately no one in this cheesy 80s movie agrees with me.

/my preaching, back to Bibleman.

Coats: Maybe you and Kyla are suffering from the same thing

Me: yeah, they’ve both been whammied by an artifact. They need to call the Warehouse for some purple goo STAT.

Bibleman: in my mind I know all the right scriptures, I just don’t FEEL like they’re real. one things for certain whoever this is they’ve affected my ability to reason

Coats: Interesting. You know, that definitely fits in with what I’ve learned about that little box he uses.

Coats goes to the computer, which obeys without him sayling please.

Bibleman: That’s great Coats, but I’ve gotten past this level.

Soooo it’s a video game? I is CORNFUSED.

Oh, that was the wrong thing.

This is the right thing.

Basically, the box is covered with trace elements that are harmless unless inhaled, and then they work by intensifying the victim’s emotions.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if that’s the case, wouldn’t it only work on people who were already doubting?

Bibleman: Coats, that’s it! What’s the one factor that Kyla and I have in common?

Coats: Your both short

Me: Fuck you coats! short people will RULE THE PLANET.

Bibleman: Besides that….. Kyla felt God didn’t care about her, and in my struggles, I didn’t feel the scriptures were true even though I knew them.

Coats: feelings, you were concentrating on your feelings

Bibleman: Eunice, initialize Bibleman study tapes and concordance

Eunice: Initializing.

Bibleman: Coats, Bible quiz, which proverb tells us not to trust our feelings?

Coats: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I’d like to point out that this just…. argh. See, Christianity tells you to distrust your feelings. However, I’ve found that my feelings are my safe guide. Example. Sometimes I’ve been in situations and I feel like… like I’m in danger. Those feelings, and listening to those feelings, have protected me more than once. So I feel like anything that tells you not to trust your feelings is… sinister.

Especially since it is used to brainwash others into Christianity: don’t trust your feelings, children, if you feel like perhaps something is not right here, it’s just the devil trying to get you and you must pray more!

This is particularly true if the child feels like maybe the way Uncle Loowie is touching them isn’t quite right, but they mustn’t trust their feelings. Because Jesus is telling them to submit to authority.

I REALLY hate this whole “don’t trust your feelings” bullshit. I got quite a bit of it growing up in Seventh Day Assholism and I’m sick of it. So in any case.

Bibleman: ready the chamber, Coats, it’s time for Bibleman

No, we still don’t get to know what “ready the chamber” means.

Bibleman: First, we’re gonna go help Kyla. Then we’re going to teach that Shadow a bible lesson

Coats: We?

Bibleman: Not unless you want me to have all the fun.

Is that… a slide projector coats is holding?

It’s community outreach night at Pastor Rex’s Church. The drama team’s encore performance is, “once again,” the armor of God. Does this drama team not know any other songs? And, more importantly, do we ever get to see the whole performance? The answer to the last question, dear readers, was no. Which almost makes it seem like the whole plot point is irrelevant and should have been left out.

Bibleman enters the church and finds Kyla sitting all alone, sans parents.

Kyla: I had a feeling you’d be here

To his credit, Bibleman doesn’t immediately start in on how bad feelings are. Instead he tells Kyla her feelings must be very strong right now. It can feel very scary when your parents argue.

Oh god yes. Divorce is frowned on on Planet Adventist as being bad for children, but I am not the only one who wished all through childhood that my parents WOULD divorce, but because we felt divorce would be healthier than constantly listening to our parents argue and scream at each other or worse, at me.

I especially wished my parents had divorced when it came time for college, because then I would be able to pick the poorer parent to live with and claimed them on fafsa and possible been able to actually get enough help to GO to college.

Kyla: It feels like they don’t love each other anymore.

And perhaps they don’t. Perhaps separation would be in their best interest. But either way, Kyla, they both love YOU.

And now is the time for Bibleman to tell Kyla that we shouldn’t trust our feelings. Anytime our feelings tell us not to believe in God, they are just trying to trick us… God may allow things to happen but will always see us through… yawn. Bibleman has Kyla promise him she’ll hold on to Hebrews 13:5, and then says “now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a rather sarcastic appointment to keep.”

Bibleman heads down to the basement. He and Shadow fight, while Coats aims his… projector thingy at the minions. Ludicrous eats a banana, and explains that the bad guys didn’t really need all that smoke, they just did it cuz it looks cool.

Shadow: your doubt will be the end of you bibleman

Lots of lightsaber fighting… Bibleman wins. Darn.

Shadow: You’ll never get rid of me, Bibleman, as long as I’m around, there’lll always be doubt.

Coats shoots Shadow with his projector thing.

Coats: Perhaps

Coats and Bibleman together: But when in doubt, wipe it out.

Scene change. Alarms blare, as Eunice shouts ATTENTION BIBLEMAN loud enough and long enough to give children everywhere a headache.

There’s a transmission, apparently, and there’s a lot of “localizing transmission vector” and stuff that goes on for a full five seconds (Eunice must be one slow computer if it takes 5 whole seconds to get a message.) The message is from pastor Rex, saying he just got back from a counseling appointment with Kyla and her family and “they’ll be a happy family, with God’s help.”

Hang on, isn’t that illegal? My counselor friend told me it was illegal for her to even confirm to me that my other friends had been coming to see her too. Shouldn’t it be illegal for you to say you are counseling Kyla and her family? He gets one point for not saying anything beyond “they’ve got some problems to iron out but with God’s help they’ll soon be a happy family.” But I still think it’s a HIPPA violation.

Bibleman and Coats are happy. Coats tries to shut down Eunice, but has already forgotten to say please.

Afterward, Bibleman breaks the 4th wall (I hate it when they do that) and addresses the audience:

Bibleman: hi kids. sometimes it may feel like God doesn’t hear our prayers, but the bible promises he loves us… Jesus will always be with us… if you feel like you’re far away from God you should tell your parents or your pastor. And remember, only Jesus is the true superhero. So long.

I might or might not do more Bibleman in the future. For now we’re moving on to The Buttercream Gang: Revenge of Elton! I also plan to post a chapter of Real Marraige, by Mark Driscoll, once a week, but as I ahve a life outside of blogging AND crippling depression, don’t count on having it once a week.

And now, I’ve worked hard all day, not just on this but on other things, and I deserve to go watch something I LIKE. Like Warehouse 13, Fringe, or The Dome.

have a good weekend everybody!

The Donut Repair Club: Camp (dis)HarmonyWh

No, the “dis” part of disHarmony wasn’t in the title, I added that.

The Buttercream Gang sequel posts won’t start till I receive the DVD in the mail. Then I have to go track down a device that would allow me to watch DVDS, since my Frisbee macbook air doesn’t have a dvd drive. So it’s coming but expect it to take at least a week. In the meantime, prepare to be horrified by conservative christian children’s favorite donut: Duncan!

The episode is called “camp Harmony.” So, here we go, kids. Ugh, I hope this doesn’t traumatize me further. See, this is the exact episode that scared me as a child. I’m interested to see how I do with it as an adult.

In the beginning, we see a truck driving.

It turns out that the donut man is ROB Evans, not BOB Evans. Whoopsie. I should’ve known. They would never have named their protagonist after a popular restaurant.

The van reaches camp harmony, and the children and Rob get out of the van, despite the fact that they are obviously at the sign of a huge driveway, and start singing and dancing INSERT SCREENSHOTS HERE

Because that’s what I did whenever my parents drove me to summer camp every summer; we immediately pulled off to the side of the really long driveway and started singing and dancing.

Even as a child, that wasn’t the first thing on my mind. The first thing on my mind was OMG BATHROOM! NOW! Especially after a long drive.

The song the kids and ROB are singing is about there being only one God, Jesus Christ.

Actually, technically there are many gods; Zues, Posiden(sp), Herodotus, Krishna, ba’al….. let’s not get into that.

I’m not honestly sure how the song fits the scene, either. Maybe the producers were as drunk writing these episodes as I am watching them.

I can’t honestly tell yet if these kids are the same ones as in the farm video. Does the donut repair club always have the same children, or do they go through different ones per episode? I’ll find out, I suppose. I THINK I spot the same Token Black Kid, but the images right now are so blurry that all I can make out is skin color rather than facial features. I do happen to be faceblind, but the images are honestly so bad right now that faceblindness doesn’t affect anything.

This is the best picture I could get of them all standing in front of the van like this. Incidentally, people have asked me, since I have prosopagnosia, what people look like when I picture them in my mind when I go to remember them. Well, they all look sorta like this:

Yup. People in my memories don’t really have faces.

Hmmmm Rob’s shirt in this episode reminds me of something…. googles…. HAHA! I FOUND IT!

Rob Evans, the Donut Man
1980s My Buddy and Me doll, the inspiration for the movie, “Chuckie.”

New theory: Rob Evans is My Buddy all grown up. Aaaaaand I think I just ruined my childhood.

Hmmm I think I recognize one of the blonde girls, but  the Asian girl is new. Maybe they have like, a pool of 20 children they use at any given time? I give up trying to figure it out.

After the song, the kids all talk

Wow! I didn’t think we’d EVER get here.

So, it was a long trip, then.

Duncan donut: why do they call this place camp harmony?

Rob: because one of the things we learn here is how to make friends and live in harmony with each other. And not just in harmony with each other, but in harmony with god

Boy: harmony? Sounds nice, but, some of us can just camp, right?

yup, totally don’t remember him from the previous episode.

Also, I love this kid. He’s my new favorite. Too bad he’s probably going ot Learn His Lesson(tm.) And seriously, it had to be a boy? No GIRLS wanted to “just camp?”

Rob: oh there’s gonna be lots to do if that’s what you mean, Matt.

So, blonde boy in the green shirt is Matt. Good to know. These kids had better not change their shirts for this entire episode or I will have no hope whatsoever of keeping track of them.

There is apparently a playground, and a crafthouse, and swimming pool. Wow, if that is all that camp has, that is a very poor camp. Just sayin’. My christian youth camp had a fuckton more than that. We had horses and archery and a high ropes course and… and… *pauses for breath—

Rob announces they all need to have a buddy, because they all need to take care of one another.

Seriously? At Christan camp I went to, there were about 10-12 campers per counselor (no, I am not sure this was legal but it was the 1990s and people cared less. The camp has since modified their policies to stay up to code). And the only reason we have a buddy, If we ever had buddies, were if our camp counselor assigned us someone to go with us to pee at night. I am the type of person who pees 5 times a night on a good night, so I never woke anyone else up. And I made it very clear that if people woke me up for something as simple as going to the bathroom, they were not going to live to see morning. The bathrooms were not that far from the cabins, (20 feet, along well lit paths.) It would take serious TALENT to get lost on the way unless there was severe weather. And if there was severe weather, we’d probably all have been awake anyway.

Outside of that, we were always in charge of various adults around the camp, and we had no need for special buddies our age. So I find this system nonsense.

Actually, I take it back. We had to have buddies in the swimming area, for obvious safety reasons, but I usually promptly lost track of mine.

CHILDREN: start clamoring

Rob: woa! I know you have your favorite friends! But part of coming to camp harmony is making new friends and that’s why we have the buddy system

Can I just say how much I would have HATED this, as a child? It’s never a good idea to shackle a kid to another kid they may not like. You may think it will be a great way for them to get to know each other, but a more likely event is that they will come to HATE each other and resent having to be together. Yes, I do know this from experience, ok? So adults, seriously, stop trying to get incompatible kids to like each other. It’s true shackled kids may learn to like each other, but 9 times out of 10 it just has the exact opposite effect. Seriously.

Meet Abby. Because in this movie we get to learn the children’s NAMES!

the donut man refers to yellow shirt girl as Abby. Anyway, she announces she has the perfect buddy in mind for herself. In case anybody wonders, it is The Edible Wonder ™ Duncan Donut!

Is it just me, or does he look more horrified than excited?

Duncan then proceeds to get excited…. it reminds me of a person on steroids who’s been sucking helium who might not be right in the head. Garh. He even spells out buddy for us, in case we didn’t know how to spell. Thanks, Duncan.

Matthew: perfect, they’re even the same size

I know I shouldn’t go around punching children, but…. as a short person, I want to punch this kid

Abby: we might be small but we are a team

Me: um, Ok? That is not a good comeback to short jokes, Abby. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that, in case you’re like me and don’t get a whole lot taller after puberty.

Rob assigns the rest of the kids buddies. Matt insists he doesn’t need a buddy, that he will be fine by himself. I agree with Matt, frankly, and I would’ve been this child, because this child is right. In a camp setting, even in the 1990s, there would  have been sough adults watching out for him that buddies are stupid and unnecessary.

So why do I get the feeling that it is going to be this kid who gets into some kind of danger? I predict he gets lost..

Matt: I’ve been to camp JILLIONS of times. I know this place like the back of my hand

I have said the exact same thing about the youth camp I went to growing up. And… I was right. I did not need a buddy. Now, with that in mind…. I still had adults watching out for me almost every minute, because accidents happen. But it was considered the job of the camp staff to look out for us, not for us kids to be responsible for anyone but ourselves and frankly, I feel like it is unfair to ask 2 eight yer olds to watch out for each other when neither one is mature enough to know when certain things –like going into an unmarked area of the water that’s unsafe for swimming– may be dangerous.

So, I agree with Matt; let the adults watch out for him, it’s their job.

Rob decides HE will be Matt’s buddy, because everybody needs a buddy. Oh great, just what EVERY kid wants; to be the odd one out who has to partner up with the teacher. Classic. I bet Matthew has been anti-buddy for this very reason.

Segway into a stupid song about sticking to one another like peanut butter, and everybody needs a buddy, bla bla bla. I have to skip this one, I can’t stand it

After googling, I found out that, at least nowadays, the buddy system is very common. I see where people are coming from when they endorse it, but I still think it would be horrendus to deal with. Maybe tell the kids not to go anywhere alone. I would’ve hated that too, because I need my alone time, but that’s a system I could at least get behind because kids do stupid stuff and you probably do need someone to run and grab an adult if buddy #2 decides to do something stupid. But if they get a different partner every time they go somewhere, something like, “hey Gladys, I see you’re on your way to the nature center. I am also on my way to the nature center. Might I come along and enjoy the pleasure of your company?”

The only place at my youth camp we really had the buddy system was at the water front. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who totally forgot who mine was the minute we entered the gate. Whenever they called for a buddy check, I usually just found the closest person and held hands with them. Seeing as how nobody ever complained about the chain reaction this probably caused, I’m guessing I’m not the only one who decided I didn’t care.

The song goes on and on about how if you are sad you’ll give your buddy a hug….. hug me and I’ll kick you, ok? Unless your name is Callie W and you spell it wrong.

Look, token Asian is comforting Token black kid!

Lots of footage of kids having fun….. to music….. yawn

This song is particularly terrible. I’m going to barf.

After the song, Abby wants to play follow the leader. Matt says he played that game when he was 2 or 3. he implies it is for babies. I agree, except I would also add “drunk people” to the list.

Rob tells Matt that follow the leader isn’t just for babies, that learning how to follow a leader is a very important thing to learn. Really? At that age, most adults were telling me I needed to learn to be the leader.

I really don’t think that takes any special talent…. I mean, good leaders just naturally inspire people to want to follow them. It’s natural for me to follow someone who’s a good leader. There, lesson learned, can I go swimming now?

Kid: like you rob, you’re a good leader!

Rob: I’m ok,

I bet he’s going to say Jesus is better. Groan.

Rob: I’m ok, but the person I had in mind is Jesus.

HA! I knew it. This show is Pre and dictable.

You know what, I do actually agree with the song that everyone needs a buddy. That my buddy and me doll up thread? I think that everybody needs one of those.

During this song, we learn that TBK isn’t the only one who can do backflips, apparently so can Abby.

Abby tells Duncan: The big kids won again.

Duncan: that’s ok, when it’s time for hide and seek, they’ll never find us!

I approve of this comeback. Too bad it’s not true for me. Having Tourrettes Syndrome (no, that’s NOT the swearing thing, that is copralalia) kind of makes hide and seek impossible for me.

In any case, Rob saying Jesus is the best leader is cue for…. you guessed it, ANOTHER SONG!

This song is about following the Good Shepherd. Look! We get to learn names in this song! Apparently TBK’s name is Brandon… or was it Brenden… this movie doesn’t have subtitles, so we’ll go with Brandon. Which is good because I’m actually really sick of calling him the TBK. Blue denim shirt girl is Katie. Purple shirt boy is…. I swear he said his name was Annie, but I’m going to chalk that up to my hearing problem and decide he really said “Andy.” I’m sorry, this is the second time they’ve said it, but the Asian girl’s name, I still can’t catch it. It’s something like Peeta, Piya, Preeya….  I’m gonna call her “Pree” until I figure out. If I could have subtitles, this wouldn’t be a problem. Orange shirt is Mary. I seem to remember a Mary from the previous episode, and an Abby, though I can’t be sure they are the same kids without comparison pics, and even then my ability to tell the difference gets iffy. So, we’ll just go with, some of these kids are the same, and some aren’t.

Great, now that I know who everyone is, finally, I can call them something besides “yellow shirt” “orange shirt” and “token persons of color.”

And then during the song they all sit down (Matt is kind of straggling along doing as little as possible to actually imitate the others) they all lie down in the grass and Rob starts snuggling with Brandon. I’m not kidding. the images are kind of blurry, but…. this just kind of happens… in the middle of the song…

I THINK I saw Rob’s hand make an inappropriate motion with Brandon, but it’s so blurry I can’t be sure.

I’m disturbed. I think I’m going to take a real shower tonight instead of just sponge bathing.

Since everyone is supposed to be imitating Rob, does that mean everyone must now start snuggling? I have no problem with an adult giving a child a hug, but this just seems… random and inappropriate.

Rob continues to touch Brandon, patting him on the back while moving his head back and forth as he sings, getting very close to Brandon’s face as he does so. Erm….

The scene changes. they’re all eating at a picnic table. Rob announces he wants to eat the last hot dog. Abby announces she wants it, and Rob gives it to her. When asked, Abby reports she has eaten 3 hot dogs. Rob acts like this is shocking, but seriously, we small people can really put away food. Especially children.

Unfortunately, The producers didn’t agree with me and decide that Abby has had that many because she is sharing with Duncan. Sigh.

Rob announces that this afternoon is swimming, canoeing, arts and crafts, and then he has a surprise for everyone. But first they have to clean up. Because they didn’t have kitchen staff to do that for them, I guess. When I was at summer camp in the 1990s, we were supposed to do SOME chores, but mostly it was thought that we should be out having fun, not washing dishes. As far as I know, campers don’t do chores anymore. I could be wrong about that, though.

Matt agrees with me that KP is camp talk for BORING. Rob of course disagrees, but in my opinion he doesn’t make a good case. And no, Rob, attitude doesn’t matter when you’re stuck in a kitchen full of singing people while the men get to go sit down and smoke. No, there was no smoking at camp, or church, but it was kind of the same attitude at church. women cleaned, men sat around and got fat. I got sick of being in the kitchen with the singing women and went to go hide somewhere and read a book and digest. You know, like the men all got to.

So Rob and the kids sing a song about cleaning their rooms and helping around the house and doing what they’re told. This is apparently how they show the lord they love him. I think I just threw up a little. Where’s my vodka?

To love and obey, it’s the only way….

The only way to what? To show the Lord you love him, apparently. Because cleaning your room is the only thing that tells the Lord you love him. That time you gave your cookies to the kid who forgot his lunch? Sorry, the Lord didn’t get the message that you love him! You need to go clean your really messy room.

I LOVE Matthew. Can I just say that we should PLEASE not convert this kid? He is soooo like me. He needs to seriously get free of these people.

I’m with Matt. The kitchen staff should be doing this, not the kids! For the record, our after dinner chores were things like, sweep the dining hall porch. OR sweep the cafeteria floor OR…. you know what I don’t remember all the choices, but none of them took as long as washing dishes for 9 people including Duncan would take. And really, washing dishes isn’t something 9 people could do unless they had like, way more sinks than that. Also, that is not a big enough refrigerator for a summer camp.

Oh I forgot. We also had to take up our dishes to the kitchen, where the staff would put them through a dishwasher. If you were REALLY bad, you had to wash a boy’s (or girl’s, depending on your gender) cabin’s table. The boys or girls would leave all their stuff on the table, often making it as messy as possible for the person cleaning up, though most counselors did discourage that sort of thing. Yes I was subjected to this punishment once, no I don’t remember why. I do know that the practice has fallen out of favor, and that that happened WAY before I got too old for summer camp. That was a nice long tangent.

In any case, I’m taking a short break for more vodka.

Next we see Matt all alone swinging a stick around. He thinks, “boy was this ever a mistake. I came out here to have some fun,  and what happens? I end up doing musical KP duty.

AHAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS KID. Please don’t convert him, he’s fine just the way he is! Musical KP duty is not everybody’s thing, ok? Deal with it Church Ladybitches!

Matt’s thinking continues: Give me a break! I’m just going to have to explore this place on my own!

Poor Matt. If he were in real life, he’d probably be fine, if he exercised some common sense. I spent many happy afternoons exploring camp on my own. This of course was during family camp, when my mom was supposed to be watching me. But this was the 1990s and helicopter parenting wasn’t a thing. IRL Matt would probably be fine, but because this is a Kid’s Christian Movie(tm) we all know that poor Matt is DOOMED for going off on his own, and doomed to become one of the other robochildren following around their overgrown manchild leader who resembles the My Buddy doll.

Oh, my bad. Matt is still talking, I interrupted.

Matt: (continuing) I mean, all this buddy  stuff, who needs it?

Scene change. The other children are playing horse shoes. Which looks fun to me, but I’d still rather be off on my own exploring. Not because I dislike horse shoes, but because I’m an introvert and I need my space, and also, exploring is my thing. Force me to be around people 24/7 and I will go absolutely nuts.

Brandon throws and the horse shoe hits the stake. Peeya (I think that’s what they just called her?) throws and misses.

Just then, Duncan notices a sign saying: No life guard on duty, swim at your own risk. He freaks out, somehow knowing that Matt is about to get into trouble.

Because there is no life guard present, Matt is magically going to start drowning.

Ok, I back down. Duncan and Abby actually see Matt climbing over the side of the fence to the pool. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is absolutely not ok for him to be in the pool if there is no one else there, but… I’m a little bit not ok with the fact that, spoiler alert, he starts drowning. Can Matt not swim? If he’s been to summer camp a jillion times, I think he can swim by now.

Also, we are quickly approaching the scene that scared the shit out of me as a child. So, let’s do this.

Unfortunately, instead of alerting the nearest responsible adult (I know it’s a bit of a stretch to describe Rob as such, but he is still technically the adult) Because correct me if I’m wrong, but Abby hasn’t exactly taken a water rescue class, Abby and Duncan decide to… follow Matt. Because THAT’S always a good idea! Matt is clearly headed for trouble so let’s get into trouble with him! Brilliant, screen writers!

The scary music plays as Abby and Duncan try to climb over the fence.

Abby then decides to tell Matt that he shouldn’t be in there, there’s no life guard… she comes across sounding like a goody goody.

Matt: It’s alright, I’m not going swimming, I’m just checking things out!

Aaaaand then he falls in. Seriously, why would you stand like that on a diving board if you can’t swim? Also, if Abby hadn’t startled him, he might not have dropped his stick and then fallen in after it. Juuuust sayin’. Anyway, Matt falls in. Jee, even as a child I couldn’t have seen THAT coming. /sarcasm.

I didn’t have a chance to grab a screenshot, but Matt doesn’t fake drowning very well. He is totally doggy paddling as he cries out for help.

Aaaaand Abby STILL doesn’t shout out for Rob, who undoubtedly is close by, seeing as how the game of horse shoes was totally in sight of the pool.

Duncan: Climb over the fence Abby!

Me: Wrong advice

Abby: I can’t, I’m too small. Besides, we’d never be able to pull him out.

She’s right; she couldn’t. That’s why the first reaction should always be to toss the drowning person a life preserver. Because drowning people panic, and they can drag you under, too. That was water rescue 101, and I learned it at the age of 8-11 at the YMCA. Thank you, YMCA, for teaching me these life saving tactics that then got re enforced in SCUBA class. No, I didn’t take SCUBA at the Y, I had a private instructor and our preferred locations were ship wrecks.

/tangent.

Duncan: Oh yeah, have you ever seen a donut when it gets wet?

Abby: No

Me(as a child): No…..

Duncan: Well throw me in!

Abby throws Duncan the Donut into the pool. Aaaaaand this, right here, scared THE CRAP out of me as a child. As an adult I find it disturbing, but not particualrly frightening.

I actually remember going to my mom and asking her if this was physically possible. She responded that it was, but the donut would be so crumbly you couldn’t grab ahold of it, and was likely to crumble before it expanded. I don’t remember what else we discussed about this show, but I do know I never had to watch it again. I’m actually pretty sure this happened when my mom was babysitting my cousins, K and J, and I was there because well, I was the child and I had to tag along, plus I loved my cousins. I had brought along my favorite video, the lion king, but K and J promptly informed me that they weren’t allowed to watch that. I wonder if they’ve seen it since. K went the ultra conservative route, so I kinda doubt it. In any case, I was like….. you watch WHAT?

So, Abby throws Duncan into the pool, and THEN she screams out for Rob to come quick!

Ok, I have to give her credit for going to find the adult after all. Actually that’s kind of what I’d want her to do; toss the kid a life preserver (a REAL one, and I know they have them by the pool, it’s a safety requirement) and THEN scream for an adult, in case drowning child doesn’t grab life preerver.

In any case, as Duncan is thrown into the water, right before our very eyes, he….. grows.

He is now the size of a life preserver. No idea why this scared me but at the time I found it deeply disturbing. This is seriously the only actual memory I have of the donut repair club. I don’t even remember that he was saving Matt’s life, I just know that he grew in water and it frightened me.

Actually, even as an adult, this is still kinda disturbing.

Rob comes along and grabs Duncan. Since Matt is also holding onto the “life preserver,” this pulls Matt out of the pool.

And then, for once, I approve of something Rob does. In a very kind and gentle voice, he says: That was a foolish thing to do. I’m glad you’re alright. We’ll talk about this later.

But he says it in such a tone of voice that it does not come across as accusatory or mean. Credit is given where credit is due. That was well done.

The other kids, by now, have gathered around and are watching the spectacle. Great, nothing like a little public humiliation to start out the afternoon.

Duncan goes back into his box, miraculously shrunk, with a towel around his head. The kids all go sit down near a picnic table.

Andy: You and Abby were really brave

Duncan(shivering, voice quivering): were we?

Rob: yeah! It looks like the 2 smallest, turned out to be the biggest heroes of them all.

I’m not sure the word “brave” applies, because bravery means doing something in spite of fear. Hero, however, does apply, because Abby kept a cool head, as did Duncan. They didn’t panic, they didn’t lose their shit, they did what needed to be done in the moment. They showed good judgement and levelheadedness. And they did what I would have done, for once in this movie. They deserve the thanks they get.

Mary: Wow, I’ve never met a real hero before!

Lest Abby get a big head or whatever, Rob reminds them that they’ve ALL met a big hero, although he didn’t save them from the water.

Really? These kids have met Jesus?! In person?! Wow! They must be soooooo speshul!

I predict this is going to lead to another song.

Rob(continuing): Jesus saved us from our SINS.

Mary: I’ve never thought of it like that

? What. You mean you’re a child growing up in America, going to a Christian youth camp, and you’ve never heard the whole “Jesus saves you from your sins” spiel?

I don’t believe you.

Ha! I have SO got these movies figured out! It is now time for Rob to tell the kids about The Greatest Lifeguard Of Them All!(tm)

At least he asks Matt and Duncan if they are warm enough before launching into the song.

This song goes on and on about how can they possibly thank god enough for his love and saving goodness! How indeed!

Me: eyeroll

Wait, what? oh my god! i have to go back and catch this….

Lyrics:

Just like the girl who was trapped in the fire

the flames rose higher and higher

You know what, maybe the donut inflating to the size of a life preserver wasn’t REALLY what scared me. Maybe I just got so traumatized by the rest of it I just blocked everything out but the least disturbing element.

A muppet girl, I think.

lyrics:

the fireman kicked the door right down

and now the girl is safe and sound!

Right, so, credit goes to the fireman for putting his life on the line to save her, right?

Is this going to segway into God saving us from hell fire? because if it is, I am DONE with this recap. Just… not even going to finish just done. But they won’t do that, right? I mean, this is a KID’S movie for chrissakes….

This is just an analogy, right?

Right.

Continuing.

Everybody shouts hurray! When the girl gets saved, and they sing, “let god be praised!” Right. sure. Praise God instead of the person who risked his life to save the girl. Seriously, does the fireman get no credit whatsoever?

lyrics then talk about someone rescuing a drowning boy in water. These muppet people are seriously more disturbing than real people would be in these situations.

Don’t worry, a life guard saves him. And of course God, not the lifeguard, gets the credit.

Rob(singing) Jesus is the fireman that puts out the flames of my sin….

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

Smacks inner 12 year old with a hammer

Rob:(still singing): When I’m sinking down and I can’t get free, Jesus comes and rescues me!

hits inner 12 year old with hammer again.

Finally the song is over and my inner 12 year old has calmed down. Rob tells everybody to head to the lodge for a big surprise, but first it’s time for him to Talk With Matt. I would not leave the other kids unsupervised but maybe this was normal in the 1990s?

Rob: You gave us all a scare back there.

I don’t think it’s inappropriate for Rob to hug Matt right now. Matt’s just been through something traumatic, and they are having a nice talk about it. I don’t see anything wrong with Rob’s putting his arm around Matt here. Though with the earlier random cuddling, you gotta wonder, but let’s not read into things that probably weren’t intended…

Matt: Yeah, I guess I was pretty stupid.

Rob doesn’t argue that Matt wasn’t stupid, per say, he just performed a foolish action. Matt strikes me as extremely intelligent and Rob should affirm that. Instead Rob says,

Rob: Oh, you see Matt, we really do need each other.

Well, at the very least, Matt needed a lifeguard on duty. Or, since he can’t swim, to avoid the pool.

Rob(continuing): No matter who we are, God wants us to take care of one another.

Well sure, but even Jesus went out alone into nature.

Matt: I’m sure glad Abby and Duncan cared about me

Look, even if I didn’t care about someone, I wouldn’t let them drown. Abby’s innocent enough she probably DOES care about Matt, though. Sometimes kids are like that.

Rob: Well we all care about you, and we’d be your friends if you’d just let us

Maybe your personalities clash very much with Matt’s? Not everyone can be friends with everyone. There are certain people who I believe are valuable human beings, but I don’t get along with them, and I am not required to be their friend. I am, however, required to treat them with respect. I fail on that a lot, but even *I* know it’s the ideal.

Matt: You mean you’ll still be my buddy?

Rob: Sure I will

Credit where credit is due: this is a good attitude to have.

Rob: But even more than that, God wants to be your friend. He wants to fill your heart with joy.

Sigh. You had to ruin it with your preaching, didn’t you Rob?

Rob them pulls out the donut and the hole and….  you all read about that in the last post, so I can skip it, right? Right. Basically Rob puts the donut hole inside the donut (snicker snicker, we’ve all got a hole, snicker snicker) But Jesus can fill it up, just like a donut hole fills SHUT UP INNER 12 YEAR OLD.

I think you all get the idea. Matt does, anyway. Rob tells Matt to head back to the lodge because there’s someone there, and she’ll help Matt understand.

I was going to joke about it being God, but no conservative would ever refer to God as “she.”

I guess Abby left her buddy Duncan behind, because Rob has to grab his box before they leave. So, when is Abby going to get the Thou Shalt Not Leave Thine Buddy Talk?

The surprise is…. drumroll please…..

Is she a potter? I can’t tell…

This video isn’t the greatest quality. I think this woman is doing pottery. I predict this will lead to another song about how Jesus is the potter and we are the clay.

I’m sure it’s only the low quality of the upload that makes this woman look creepy as hell….

Anyway, this is Rob’s friend, who’s name I don’t catch. I’ll call her Mrs. D. And I’m correct, she makes stuff out of clay.

The kids are very impressed, and, honestly, I was too when I met a woman who made stuff out of clay, though her statues were much more impressive (that’s beside the point, art is hard work, ok?)

Rob points out a certain pot of Mrs. D’s that is cracked and crooked because the clay wasn’t soft enough. It was hard and stubborn.

Um, isn’t that the fault of the potter? I remember doing clay things in art class. We POUNDED that clay, and then we POUNDED it some more. If we couldn’t make it malleable enough to work with, it was our own damn fault, not the fault of the clay. Flawed analogy, Rob. But I now what they’re going for.

Rob puts his arm around Matt’s shoulders (seriously, hasn’t this kid been humiliated enough?) as he explains that sometimes we are hard and stubborn and God can’t work with us and bla bla… music stats. I was sooooo right about another song! I am brilliant, I tell ya.

This is interesting, Rob talks about how Jeremiah learned about God from a piece of clay. Jeremiah, from the bible.

Me:(sings:) JEREMIAH WAS A BULL FROG!

Kids: Jeremiah went down to the potter’s

Me: Sigh, I will just never be a Good Christian(tm). Oh well.

The kids sing about how the potter went “squish squish squish” with the clay. In my experience it was more like, “BANG BANG BANG” as we banged it really really hard against whatever hard object we could find. I’m sure if I’d had a hammer my teacher would have approved its use. Whatever.

As they sing, “the potter took the clay and squish squish squish,” Rob pats his hand over Matt’s chest. Jee, ya think Matt is supposed to learn a lesson or something?

Unlike before, Matt participates in all the hand motions of the song. He is reformed. Goddammit, he had such potential.

We then start with another song. This one I actually know. We sang it a lot at camp. I don’t think the Donut Repair Club wrote it, or at least, I hope they didn’t, otherwise they just spoiled it for me. I’m too lazy to grab screenshots, but we see a before picture of the pot on the wheel, then an after picture of a pretty vase.

I am reasonably sure this is the only song they didn’t write themselves.

Change my heart oh God make it ever true

A         Amaj7    Bm7 E             A
Change my heart oh God may I be like You

A         Amaj7    Bm7 E            Amaj7
Change my heart oh God make it ever true

A         Amaj7    Bm7 E             A   C#sus4  
Change my heart oh God may I be like You


C#          F#m     Bm7
You are the potter

  E      Amaj7    C#sus4
I am the clay

C#          F#m     B9
Mold me and make me 

               E
This is what I pray 

          Amaj7    Bm7 E            Amaj7
Change my heart oh God make it ever true

A         Amaj7    Bm7 E             A
Change my heart oh God may I be like you

Matt picks up the flawless piece of pottery. It’s clear what he is supposed to be thinking.

All the kids pass around the pot during the song. It’s like a sacred moment to them. Aaaand… probably done…. well. Ish. But it always comes back to Matt.

Change my heart Oh God. May I be like you.

Scene change. They’re all sitting around the fire in the lodge. Rob asks who wants the last marshmallow. Duncan announces he does, but he’s so covered in marshmallow that Rob announces he’s had enough.

Mmmmm Marshmallow donuts…. Mmmmmmmm

Pity the local donut shop (wait, do we HAVE a local donut shop?) doesn’t deliver.

Matt announces he’d like the last marshmallow, and since his liver is strong enough for more, Rob gives it to him. Whoops, these are marshmallows, not beers. Whoospie……

The video is so blurry I can’t see who’s mouths are moving, but I think it’s Abby who asks for a story. The other kids are all yeah Rob, you promised. Ha. Poor kids. I bet they’re expecting a nice spooky ghost story. Instead they’re going to get the story of How Jesus saved them from their sins and how God’s love is like a donut. Because we haven’t seen enough of that already.

And then, quite unexpectedly, for a change, a song begins. No, seriously, for the first time since I started watching these, I did not expect that. At least, I was expecting them to wait a few more sentences.

Rob pulls out a lion puppet and they all start singing about

Roar, roar, Roar I want S’more!

Roar, roar, roar

here comes Daniel and I’ll eat him for sure

So, still a bible story, then, who could’ve seen THAT coming?

Oh no, MUST HE? Sigh. It’s not enough to say God saved Daniel, Rob also goes on to sing about how the men who tried to kill Daniel were “served to the lion for breakfast instead.” and “that mean old lion ate him all up.” No seriously, those are the song lyrics.

Why oh WHY do adults think that that sort of thing is appropriate for children? Especially for them to sing about? Sigh.

After the song Rob talks about how we have buddies in heaven. They’re called angels. God sends them to help us. Gag me. Where’s my vodka?

I got a lotta pickle juice today. I’m going to use it to make dirty martinis so I can get through more recaps. Not of the donut repair club though. I’m done with this series.

Rob announces it’s time for the kids to go to sleep. They all scamper off to… it looks like the same room? I seriously hope the girls at least get separate rooms from the boys.

Rob sits by the fire for a while. Soon, Abby comes back in, still in her day clothes, not pajamas. Which is odd, even for a kid’s show but ok, whatever.

Rob: Oh hi Abby what’s up?

Abby: Mr. Donut Man, I’ve never been away from home by myself before.

Well, you’re not by yourself, Abby. You’ve got a bunch of other kids and an adult with you. Gosh, I remember the first time I was alone in my apartment for the very first time, living on my own… it was kinda scary, and I was 25. I know, I know, some kids get nervous at sleep away camp…. I was never one of them, so I guess I can’t empathize.

Rob reminds Abby shes’ not alone, she has friends and she has him. Abby is still scared. Rob invites her to sit on his lap.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It kinda makes sense since he’s comforting a scared child, but… I don’t know. I kinda can’t see this being allowed nowadays. I don’t know how to feel about it…. I feel he could have put an arm around her shoulder like he did with Matt?

Honestly, I don’t EVER remember sitting in a pastor’s lap like that. Maybe when I was like, a newborn baby the pastor would hold me, but that’s waaaaay different. Daddy was the only one who ever held me like that when I was Abby’s age. I don’t even remember my grandpa holding me like that, though we have pictures of it happening as a toddler. Pretty sure by that age it was either daddy or a female counselor. Speaking of which, this is a sleepaway camp, right? Shouldn’t there be at least one female chaperone? Or was that not at hing in the 80’s/90s? I still feel like the child to adult ratio is off. I feel like they need at least one more Chaperone…even back then I feel like it was something like one adult per 4 children or something like  that.

Back to the actual story, which is almost over and way dragged out…

Rob rocks Abby in the rocking chair.

Rob: Isn’t it good to have buddies?

Abby: uh huh

Rob: Can you tell me who your best buddy of aaaaaaaaal is?

Me: Callie and Jason!

Silly me, I bet The Right Answer(tm) Is Jesus.

Abby: You mean God?

Me: Sigh. I was close enough, right? Right.

Rob: That’s right. He’s the good shepherd and he always watches over people, especially his little ones. And he never ever sleeps.

Right. Then why are so many children going to bed hungry tonight? Why are so many children being raped tonight? If God especially cares and watches out for the children, why isn’t he protecting them?

Rob then starts singing Abby a lullerby….*

When I lay my head down

(Abby repeats)

To go to sleep

(Abby repeats)

I have no interest in typing out the rest of the lyrics but you get the idea. He sings her a lullaby and I bet she falls asleep in his arms. That’s my guess.

The song continues:

and my mommy tells me

(Abby repeats)

Not a peep

(Abby repeats)

Seriously? Do people’s moms tell them that? To go to sleep and then not bug them again the rest of the night? Wow! My parents always made it VERY clear to me that if I needed ANYTHING I was to come to them immediately. And they followed through. If I was cold, needed a glass of water, or had another night terror, my parents were there and they never shamed me for anything, even though I was way too old for that sort of thing (this stopped by about age 10, I think.) My dad even told me a story of how one night he spent the entire night too cold to sleep because he didn’t want to wake his parents for more blankets. Eventually he stole one of the blankets off their bed. He told me he never wanted me in that position. If I was cold at night, wake him the hell up so he could get me warm.

Even as an adult, if I need something and can’t figure out how to get it, I know that I need to wake my parents. Of course, now that I’m 20+ I know where the spare blankets are kept. The last time I woke my parents up in the middle of the night, I was in the hospital with appendicitis going “mom, dad, I’m scared, I need surgery and I really want a parent right now!”

So, even as an adult, my parents want me to wake them up in the middle of the night if there’s a problem. Of course at 25 the problem better be severe, but that’s beside the point.

Back to the movie, I’ve been wondering during the whole thing if the kids were doing this all themselves, or if they recorded it previously with a full kiddie choir. This song answers that question. After Abby’s solo thingy, there are waaaaaay too many small female voices for this to just be her. I wish, honestly, they hadn’t done that, because I think Abby can carry the song on her own.

I’m right, Abby falls asleep in his arms. And…. that’s the end of the episode. the end credits roll. I’m going to go to sleep myself, soon as I… watch the credits. I’m guessing these are the kids’ real names, seeing as how no one is credited with playing anything but themselves. Here’s a screenshot.

Rob Evans is apparently the name of the over sized My Buddy Doll (seriously, he even wears overalls like the doll, what grownup, even in 1980, wore overalls?)

Wait a second… Andy Evans, Mary Evans…. no, please don’t ask, I don’t know if there’s a relation. We can only guess.

And then there’s this little gem….

It isn’t clear who voiced the donut (unless I’m just dense) but interestingly enough, Dunkin’ Donuts, Inc has given permission for them to use the name Duncan for a Donut. Well, I do have to give the writers credit, then. They took care of any potential lawsuit and copyright issues. More power to them, I guess?

This episode was video taped on location at Mr. Lebanon Baptist Encampment in Cedar Hills, TX. So, it’s filmed at a real camp? That’s interesting.

It appears some songs were written by Rob Evans, but not all of them. “Change My Heart Oh God” is credit to Eddie Espinoza. Very interesting.

Apparently the producer is from Texas, which explains the Okra seeds in the last episode. See what interesting things you miss out on when you skip the credits kids?

aaaaaaaaand that’s all folks! Goodnight!

*Yes, I misspelled that on purpose.

The Donut Repair Club: Barnyard Fun

The Donut Repair Club

Life without Jesus is like a donut—there’s a great big hole inside you.

This post is brought to you by:

Smirnoff (always drink responsibly!)

Oreo Cookies (enjoy with milk)

and my teddy bear, Billy. Because Teddy bears make scary talking donuts aaaaaaallll better.

I told my friend Jason (which may or may not be his real name) about this review. Here is a transcript of that conversation:

Me: but some of the other ones I’m doing, like the buttercream gang, the donut repair club, McGee and Me…. actually the talking donut scared me as a child

Jason: donut repair club? what the hell?

Me: hang on, lemme see if I can find a nice SHORT youtube clip for you

Jason: Let me see this.

Me: *finds youtube clip*

Jason: WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK WAS THAT!?!?!

Jason: You had to watch that?

Me: I TOLD YOU

Jason: I don’t even know what to say….

Jason: That was……

Jason: Just wow

Jason: That is creepy on a whole new level

Me: the motto of the club was “life without Jesus is like a donut, there’s a great big hole in the middle of your life”

Jason: A great big hole in your life?!?!?!

Jason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I told him I would happily pay money to see the look on his face right now (this was over instant messenger) but unfortunately he declined to send me a picture.

And that is the reaction of the uninitiated to The Donut Repair Club. Where they repair Donuts… or something.

For the record, I asked my secular friend if he had a hole in his heart since he didn’t have Jesus, and he responded with “I’ve been trying to cut a hole in order to get Jesus and religion out of my life.”

That just proves it kids, everybody without Jesus has a great big hole in their life. Eyeroll.

Like all TV shows of the 1990s, this one starts with a custom made theme song:

Apparently today’s episode is called “Barnyard Fun,” and will feature The Donut Repair Man

The Donut Repair Club flashes across the screen as we cut to a picture of a cow

So, the Donut Repair Club is run by cows? Oh if only.

The song sings about how God is a farmer and he makes all things grow. I tried to get a good screenshot of the singing and dancing kids, but everything was pretty blurry, and this was the best I could get:

That pink box that girl (Yes, it’s a girl, not a boy as I first thought) is holding in front? Yeah, I can’t make it out very clearly either. That, my friends, is Duncan the Donut.

Anyway, the kids continue to sing about God and how he makes all things grow. I’m tempted to post lyrics, and if I can find them, I will, but don’t count on it. These shows were made before posting song lyrics on the internet was popular. Actually, I’m pretty sure these shows actually predate the internet.

Something like:

Grow, grow God makes things grow.

He’s the one I want to know. He’s the one I want to know.

Since I am WAY shorter than the average human, I’ve started singing THESE lyrics:

Shrink, shrink, God makes thinks shrink

he’s the one I never wanna know

he’s the one I never wanna know.

Ok, I decided to go back and grab the real lyrics

God is a farmer and he wants us to know

he makes the flowers and the trees to grow

something something something tree (no subtitles, again)

it’s good for you and it’s good for me

and then the chorus is grow grow god makes things grow…. etc.

There’s some cute footage of animals, and then more singing about how God makes whatever seed I sow grow. Actually, I’ve planted lots of plants that never sprung, sooooo where was God when I was planting my garden?

The Donut Man whatshisname talks to the kids who are very excited about helping out “Aunt Alice and Uncle Jim?” On the farm. They’re going to help with the planting. The kids, however, are excited about riding horses, tractors, and cow tipping. Actually they didn’t say that last one, I added it because I thought it’d be more interesting.

Donut: can I help too?

Donut man: Sure you can, come on!

He and the children go back to hopping and skipping. Yes, even the grownup skips and hops.

I’m reeeeeeeally craving donuts right now, you guys.

Hey look, there’s a Token Black Child(tm) on the far right. Hi Token Black Child! I wonder if that was actually intentional? I have no idea. In any case.

The kids spot Aunt Alice, and it looks like there’s something wrong. No, we don’t get to see what, but they all start running. Hmm. I wonder what could be wrong? Maybe the goats are eating her hair.

At first I thought it was Alice with the broken ankle, but then I realize it’s Jim, and he’s got a broken LEG. Whoopsie. Folks, this is why I haven’t graduated EMT school yet.

Bob: Alice, Jim, what’s wrong?

Jim: just about everything I’m afraid

Me: Does that mean the barn is on fire? FIRE! *starts singing the song* or….. not.

No, everything went wrong except the barn is on fire. Silly me, I should’ve known better.

Apparently Uncle Jim was trying to fix some rotten boards on a balcony up in the barn. He fell clean through and he thinks he broke his leg. The Donut Repair Club decides to pray, instead of calling for emergency services.

I do have to give Mr. Adult Donut Man here credit. Instead of putting his hand on Jim’s broken leg (which would probably REALLY hurt and cause all kinds of problems, especially if the femur is broken) he puts his hand on Jim’s GOOD leg as he prays. To certain groups of people that seems backwards, but that is actually… I’m impressed. I wasn’t expecting basic courtesy from the Donut Repar Man, Rob, Bob, whatever his name is. So I have to give credit where it’s due. (Note: I know the actor’s leg isn’t REALLY broken, but still. I did go through some EMT school and we get picky about these sorts of things.)

It’s possible, depending on which part of his leg Jim broke, that it would be safe to drive him to the hospital himself, and in fact, that’s probably what should be done. However, if he thinks he broke the thigh bone, then he needs an ambulance, because a broken thigh bone can slice through a certain artery and cause real problems. Or so I remember from EMT school.

The man prays.Then:

Donut Man: it’s not that bad is it?

Sigh. The two farmers talk about all the work that needs to be done, and why it would be an epic disaster if it gets neglected. I’m sure my readers are smart enough to work all this out for themselves, so I’ll save on space and spare you the list.

Bob: I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do, you’re gonna take care of Uncle Jim

Aunt Alice: But–

Bob: and the kids and I will take care of the farm

The kids look excited.

Alice: Oh but we can’t let you do that

I kind of agree, actually. I know Alice is saying it to be polite, but I still think they can’t let these people be in charge of the farm without making sure they know how to care for the animals. Of course, this is kind of an emergency situation, so I forgive them.

Don’t worry Alice, says YellowShirt, we’ll take care of everything.

I love the 1990s style of clothing being showcased here…. juuuuuust saying

Bob: You take care of everything. Get Jim to the doctor. We’ll take care of everything here.

Well, at least they are getting poor Uncle Jim to the doctor, so, props for that, I guess.

Aunt Alice: (taking a necklace off) Here, would you mind holding onto grandmother’s pears? I don’t want to take them into the city

Wait, what?

Why not? Is the city so horrible that she will have the pearls stolen right off her neck? And wouldn’t it make more sense to go back to the house and put them in like, a jewelry box? If I had a prized piece of jewelry, I certainly wouldn’t entrust it to anybody if I didn’t have to. And really, there’s no reason for her to worry about wearing them in the city.

I predict that this is a setup for a plot device in which Bob (or the kids) loses the pearls. I can not possibly be wrong. And it’s so obvious and so stupid….

Bob Promises to look after the pearls, saying he understands, and slips them into his pocket.

Jeez, what city do they live in that she can’t wear her pearl necklace? Depending on the city, wouldn’t people just assume they were fake anyway? And don’t country people sometimes dress up specially for a trip to the city?

And why would you wear a pearl necklace around on a farm on a day when you plan on doing a lot of farm chores? I mean, that just… it doesn’t seem… Actually, if you look closely at what Aunt Alice is wearing, that is not a “chores around the farm” outfit. That is definitely a “go into the city” outfit. Yet Uncle Jim is wearing jeans and a plaid shirt. The man is dressed for work, the woman isn’t. Why….. what…. I don’t even….

This is seriously how they plan to transport him to the hospital. This probably wasn’t illegal back when this was shot (though I believe it is now) but isn’t this still a really dangerous way to transport him? I mean, they don’t even have blankets to stabilize his leg, to keep it from moving around. Like I said, broken femur could=bad news. If they’re taking him down back country roads,it might still be legal, in which case, ow, poor Jim; do you know how bumpy those roads can be, and do you know how much those can hurt a broken leg? We went over that in EMT school too. And again, even though he’s got a bandage around the lower part of his leg, he keeps grabbing his upper leg, which, may I remind you, is a really bad sign because a broken femur can be dangerous and slice through arteries.

(Also is a sign of inconsistency in the story, but that’s beside the point.)

They need to AT LEAST stabilize the leg with blankets to keep it from moving around too much, but they possibly should put ice on the affected area to keep the swelling down. That last one I’m a bit fuzzy on, but poor uncle Jim is not going to have an easy time of it and could possibly die like that.

Donut: We’re going to be farmers farmers farmers, dig a hole! Dig a hole! Dig….

I want to eat this donut RIGHT NOW to shut him up. Seriously, how did grown ass adults think this was good entertainment for children? Not only that, how did they decide it was better than The Lion King?

Donut keeps singing:

plant the animals plant the animals feed the seeds, feed the seeds…..

Bob laughs. I crave donuts. Goddammit, this is gonna ruin my diet. At least during veggie tales I wasn’t craving vegetables, even though I normally like vegetables more than donuts….

And this donut has an unnaturally high voice. Like a male trying to sound like a female (and failing miserably…. or like someone has been sucking on a helium balloon.)

Bob: Duncan! You don’t plant the animals and feed the seeds, That’s not how you farm

Like we needed him to explain that to us.

Duncan: Do you know how to farm

Bob: Well, not exactly

Kids: You don’t?!

Bob: no, I must admit, I’ve never spent much time on a farm, but hey, what do you really need to know, it can’t be that hard

So much for his promises to Uncle Jim and Aunt Alice. I haven’t done much farm work before, and even I can tell you that…. ummm that there’s probably stuff you need to know. Like how to milk a cow. Surprisingly, it is not as easy as just pulling on the teats. There’s a little trick to it. Ask me how I know that. Ask me if I’ve ever milked a cow before. Ask me if I’ve ever actually learned what that trick is. Well, the answer is no, but I’ve read about it in a book, so I know it’s not as easy as it looks.

Bob: anyway, if the animal is hungry, you feed it. Come on

Um, Bob? what about certain animals that will literally eat until they vomit and then eat again? What do you do about them? We had this discussion at horse camp when I was 11. I know he can’t google the information, but it’s a farm. There’s got to be books around that discuss this sort of thing.

Bob takes the children to the chicken coop.

Bob: all we need to do is fine some feed

Ok maybe it’s not a chicken coop, because he talks about throwing the bucket of feed in the trough. He manages to straddle the fence in a totally normal way, and still lose his balance and fall.

Yeah, he’s TOTALLY unstable. Well, maybe mentally….

Even –I– could do this, folks. There is an art to falling in movies.Bob doesn’t have it. Whatever, low budget, moving right along.

The donut thinks this is hilarious and that Bob should do it again. I don’t see anything funny about it.

Bob: I don’t know kids, let’s face it; we don’t know how to farm.

So, what do we do?

May I make a suggestion? Telephones were a thing back when this was made. There’s definitely one around somewhere, even out in the country. Find a telephone, find a phone book (a phone book is that thing we older people used to use back in the dark ages before we had every single phone number in our cell phones or the ability to google. It’s a book with a list of people’s names and the names of businesses, and phone numbers of said people and businesses), look up a farmer in the phone book, call him up, explain the situation, and ask the farmer what to do.

Ha! Silly me, I bet the real answer is prayer.

And…. I’m right. Bob does know someone who knows everything about farming. Unfortunately, it does not involve calling a real one up on the telephone.

And, oh my god! It’s been FIVE WHOLE MINUTES since we’ve last sang a SONG! We need to fix that now. Right now.

The song goes something like “God knows about everything…. about the wind and the clouds and the rain, yes god knows everything.”

I have to wonder if these kids are just lip synching now and if they recorded this song for real earlier in an actual studio, or if they are really singing all this right now on a farm set somewhere? It sounds like the former, and I’m sure somewhere there used to exist cassette tapes of all these songs.

Bob: So, kids, you think God knows everything?

Kids: yeah!

Bob: Then let’s get to work

When I was a Christian, I too, believed that God knows everything. However, what I also believed is that you had to help yourself. For example, Pray that God would help you know what to do, then maybe you get the idea to call a farmer. I would consider that an answer to prayer. Or,  you could pray Dear God, help me find a farmer who will be nice and understanding and really help me. And then you call someone, and he’s like, the nicest person in the world when you explain your situation and does everything he can to help you.

You have to reach out to take the hand God is holding out to you.

There’s footage of the kids taking care of various animals, to the background of music saying what various animals do (dogs bark, horses neigh) but animals can’t do one thing: Praise the Lord! That’s the one thing I can do that animals can’t!

I can think of a whole nother list of things we can do that animals can’t, but nevermind.

These songs aren’t great, but, for children’s Christian songs in the 1990s, they aren’t actually terrible. I remember Cedarmont Kids songs, and quite frankly, these seem similar, though Cedarmont never wrote their own songs like these writers are clearly doing. And compared to what else was on the market at the time, it’s not that bad. Compare to, say, the songs in Psalty. No, I was never subjected to that as a child, yes, if someone points me to a full video on youtube, I will review it. (Even as an adult, Psalty creeped me out.)

Soooo props, I guess? Someone once told me they loved the songs from these shows, but had never seen the actual movies. I guess I could see loving these songs if I’d never seen the creepy talking donut.

Also, hey, how did this girl learn to milk a cow so quickly? It’s not that easy, really! Oh wait, God told her, silly me.

Ok, this is a legitely creepy screenshot that happens during the song

I get that Bob is pretending to be  a horse, but I still think it’s… odd.

I was unable to get a good screenshot of it, but next we are shown Bob and a child having a fight by throwing hay at each other. Right, because THAT’S not going to be a horrible thing to have to clean up later, idiots.

After this song we get a girl telling us how hard this is, in case we think it looks easy

Other kid I can’t see: yeah, and hot

I’m really hot just sitting here, actually. It’s 27 C and 67% humidity. I am DYING.

Bob: nobody ever said farming would be easy

ok, are the two little blonde girls twins? I can’t tell, but they look an awful lot alike to me. They appear to be the same size and, when I can see their faces, those look alike too. Actually, I’m face blind, so, just tell me if they’re really twins or if I’m face blind

Compare these two closeups

other blonde girl: I’m tired, but I feel good

Bob: It does feel good when you work hard for someone else.

The cynical side of me is going to argue that any sort of hard work tends to get the endorphins pumping, but Bob is probably right; doing good things for others can indeed give you a very nice endorphin rush. That’s why a lot of the conservative Christians in my circle prescribe it as a cure for depression.

I’m not sure why I’m taking these out of my pocket…. i think I’m trying to make a point here…

Uh oh. Bob just brought the pearls out of his pocket. Disaster is imminent.

Bob: I believe God brought us here to teach us a lesson about how he wants us to work for him. like those pigs over there (camera shows shot of pigs snorting)

Me: Oh good god, Bob is about to accidentally throw the pearls to the pigs, isn’t he? Like that bible verse “Do not cast your pearls before swine.” I am cringing, because I know what is coming.

I just asked my friend Jason if it was creepy that I wanted to eat the talking donut. He said that no, the donut had genuinely scared me as a child, and that wanting to eat him was a defense mechanism. Good old Jason, always making me feel better about myself.

So, I was texting and missed the part where he actually threw the pearls, but, he threw them, ok? I think it was an accident.

Bob: oh no!

I’m a pig! I’m so bad! Look at me being so bad I stomp on pearls, snort snort!

Anyway, this pig, which is really a Muppet like thing, sings about how he likes to stomp on pearls when he sees them on the ground, and how he’s a pig, and….it’s bad, ok? Just… bad. I hope this song wasn’t on those cassettes.

He then sings even more about how great stomping on a pearl is. Ok? I don’t understand this? Why would stomping on pearls be fun? I have to admit I never stomped on pearls before but I…. just…. don’t….

The pig then brags singing about how he doesn’t listen in Sunday school…. and from that alone I KNOW they didn’t put this song on the cassette

I think… I am phyiscally ill….

In any case,  the children are  plainly disturbed. As am I.

Is this song over yet? It has gone on for way too long as is, at least 30 seconds. I can’t tell because I had to pause constantly to go outside and get some air. There is seriously not enough alcohol in the world for this.

this is another girl’s reaction to the song. We see other children doing similar things. I didn’t get a screen grab of them because I wasn’t fast enough, and I have no desire to go back and repeat this awful song to get them.

Wait a minute, WHERE DID THE SINGING BIRD COME FROM? There was no singing bird in this before?!

A random singing bird. There are no birds in this song. Except this random singing bird…. I give up

I really think I might be sick. I need another break. I’m sorry. This is gonna take a while.

I’m back, but I’m taking my headphones out now until this song is OVER. This is a HORRIBLE song, and all that snorting the pig does is just…. and the donut wearing the pig snout is just….

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I will finish what I started, but I do not guarantee another post about the donut repair club because this one literally almost made me vomit.

Finally, after about a minute and a half of that nonsense, this horrible excuse for a song is over, and I can put my headphones back in.

When is my chocolate cake going to arrive? My friend ordered me chocolate cake in order to help me deal with this nonsense. If I don’t vomit first, that is.

Fortunately, after the song ends, Bob is able to retrieve the pearls. No harm seems to have come to them. He never talks about breaking the news to Aunt Alice. We will literally never hear about the pearls again. Sooooo that was anti climactic.

Duncan speaks Donut ese, and asks Bob to take off his nose. No seriously, we can’t understand a damn thing the donut says in this exchange. Wait, seriously? He needs bob’s help to take off his nose, but he needed no help to put it on in the first place?

;aoghuehiow;ehiotwhrwioueghrsuio

That is me banging the keyboard in absolute frustration.

Kid: boy I sure don’t want to be a bad little piggie

Other kid: me neither

i actually think the piggie sounds like a lot of fun. I’m not a fan of stomping on pearls, but I’m a huge fan of not paying attention in Sabbath School. (Sabbath school is the same as Sunday school, but Seventh Day Adventists don’t go to church on Sunday.)

No, I have no idea which kids are speaking. The image isn’t clear enough.

Other Kid: No way, I wanna listen to God’s way

Because God’s way is the only way to avoid being bad, as everybody knows. –sips more vodka– next time, imma need a stronger beverage.

Bob: Well, if you don’t wanna be like a piggy, what kind of animal would you like to be like?

I have no idea why the TBK (Token Black Kid) makes this face, but I think he’s hilarious.

A girl: A cow (mooooo)

Why would you want to be a cow? Cows are smelly, fat, and they get milked. I have never heard of a kid wanting to be a cow.

another girl: a rooster crows like a rooster

Seriously? Roosters are MALES. You are a FEMALE. You can not be a rooster, unless you are transgender or something and haven’t shared with the rest of the class.

I think, though, that I have heard at least one kid say they wanted to be a rooster or a chicken. Er no, they actually usually DON’T want to be chickens. Nevermind.

And why are these animals any better than pigs, anyway? Says who?

Oh right, says Leviticus 11, which says that pigs are unclean, but cows and chickens are A-ok… to EAT. These children want to get eaten, apparently.

Blonde girl: oh I know!

Bob: what Mary?

So, this girl is named Mary, then. Why did it take so long for the narrative to tell us that?

Mary: God says in the bible that he is the good shepherd, right?

Bob: that’s right

Mary: Ok then, I’d love to be one of his lambs, cuz I love him so much

Sigh. I should do a post sometime about how stupid and dumb sheep are, and how much work they require to take care of them. I don’t feel like doing that tonight, but, let’s just say that no one should aspire to be a sheep, ok?

Dolphins are smarter. We should aspire to be a dolphin.

Bob thinks it’s great that Mary wants to be a lamb, and that they should all sing about it.

I think they should go do more farm chores, or go rescue the pearls from the pig.

Actually, someone does retrieve the pearls, but it’s not shown to be a big deal.

So, now we have a muppet lamb, and I don’t know whhere that came from either ok, but let’s just roll wit hit?

I really tried to get a good sreenshot of bob and the lamb, but the quality of this video isn’t very good as is

lyrics start:

I’m a little white lamb and I have a white tail

when I’m happy I wiggle it back and forth

Hallelujah I’m happy when I praise the lord

hallelujah I wiggle my tail and praise the lord

wiggle my tail when I praise the lord

the kids then do what looks like square dancing.

The song and square dancing go on for a while.

I sincerely apologize for the blurry quality of the shots. It’s all youtube’s fault, I swear.

Why are they all touching each other’s stomachs? Is that a thing in square dancing?

And this song is overly repetitive, they basically repeat the same lines over and over. And lambs, btw, do not have white feet, their hooves are usually brown/black. Juuuuuuust sayin’.

At the end of the song Token Black Kid(tm) does backflips. I don’t feel like going back for the screenshot (munches on chocolate vegan cheesecake)

Bob tells the kids that the singing was great. I disagree, but everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.

And then Bob suddenly realizes they still have farm chores to do. “There’s still the planting everybody, let’s go!”

The children run away, and find barrels of seeds, which have been conveniently labeled for them. Wait a second…. –goes back– yes, there is a barrel of seeds labeled “donuts.” I was thinking about the okra seeds, but this… this…woa;eirheowihroewihreowi;hrowei;nfoeitywehtowet DONUTS DON’T GROW FROM SEEDS STUPID. Wo;eihfewoihrewouhrtweaouhtfeouwyfhiuwehfioqtw379ehiru

I guess, by the presence of Okra, that this story is meant to take place in the south?

Ok I’m done. Back to our story.

Bob: yes children, they’re all good seeds

Me: NO THEY’RE NOT!

And it’s not just the donut seeds. Okra is of the devil and needs to die, ok?

The rest of the seeds are normal stuff like corn, peas, and green beans.

Here’s Duncan with a little basket of donut seeds

Seriously? No one is planting broccoli? I’m crushed Brocccoli is a gift of the GODS. Okra is a gift of the devil. Don’t tell me good Christians are growing stuff from the devil instead of the gods, now.

Bob is explaining that you need good soil to grow seed in, that no matter how good the seed is, if you grow it in hard rocky soil, you won’t get much of anything.

I bet he’s going to start talking about the biblical parable of the sewer, isn’t he?

Yup, I’m right. Only in this version, we have control over whether or not the soil of our hearts is rocky and mean, or good and kind soil.

A boy pipes up: it’s sort of like a donut, isn’t it?

Me: ?

Bob: A donut? Well how’s that?

For once, bob and I actually agree on something!

They look like fraternal twins.

Yes, the person on the far left is a boy, the person on the far right is a girl. They kinda look alike in the screenshot, but if you were to suffer through watch this movie, you’d see they’re obviously different genders, because pronouns.

boy(continuing): a donut has an empty space, like our hearts, until Jesus comes in

May I just take a moment now to mention that not all donuts have holes? Some are stuffed with creamy filling, or nothing at all, but just never had the center taken out.

Why DO donuts have the center taken out, anyway? I think I knew once, but I don’t now.

Bob: that’s right, you’re catching on

The boy looks pleased.

Boy: it’s what you always sing about

Bob: you see, Jesus is the seed

Because we can’t read the parable of the sewer for ourselves, in the bible, we must have it spelled out for us.

In this context is it sewer or sower? I must find this out before I publish the post.

I think I’ve been spelling it like sewer tunnels….whoospie. In any case.

bob(Continuing): sent from father god to come and

Bob demonstrates how God fills the hole in our heart.

Bob: The donut goes INTO the hole….

Seriously? I am asexual, and even –I– am aware of how dirty these screenshots could look to some kids. I bet they were all snickering. And don’t assume the audience would be too young to know that, either. Because some parents explain the birds and the bees at pretty young ages, depending on how their child will handle it, etc etc. I personally was 9, according to my mother (I remember it being 11 but whatever.)

Anyway, bob equates the donut hole going into the donut with Jesus coming and filling (snicker snicker) our hearts.

Bob: let’s sing it!

Kids: life without Jesus, is like a donut, like a donut, like a donut

You mean, really really sweet and it tastes good? Heyyyyy I could get behind that!

Kids(continuing): life without Jesus, is like a donut, cuz there’s a hole in the middle of your heart

–rips out headhones– alright, let’s talk about this concept for a minute. Sigh.

So, ever since I was a young kid, I felt like there was a hole in the middle of my hear.t But see, I was raised a Christian, and I knew Christ. Indeed, at about this time, the age of….. 10-11ish, I read my bible quite a bit, and discovered I could talk to the Lord as I spoke to a friend.

And yet, there was still a hole in my heart.

In movies and TV, the hole in your heart was either filled with 2 things:

1. Jesus/God

2. Boyfriends

I knew very early on that I wanted none of that second option, but I already had the first, so, what was missing?

And then I went off to academy and discovered….. friends. Deep friendships. And the hole in my heart was filled, and I felt in need of no more. I felt no need of even a romantic relationship, and no need of Jesus. (because at the time, I already had him.) These platonic deep friendships satisfied me. My life was complete.

So, I just wanted to point out that even for Christians, there can still be a hole in the middle of your heart if you love and follow Jesus. And I’m not going to tell you guys to give up Christ, however, I am going to tell you that perhaps there is something ln life that your missing. Maybe it is a romantic relationship, but I bet that it is not. I bet you just need someone to really love you, not for who they think you are, but for who you really are. Maybe you just need to be accepted for your true self, and not the self you present to the world. I don’t know. But if there is a hole in your heart, it’s not necessarily Jesus, it’s not necessarily that you need a boyfriend/girlfriend…. I don’t presume to tell you what your needs are, all I will tell you is to find out for yourself, not be told by some song, by some TV show, or even by me.

On a more shallow note, is this the very first show the donut gang has ever done, or is this song repeated every episode?

I asked my secular friend I talked about earlier, Jason, if he felt he had a hole in his heart without Jesus. He replied that he’d spent his life trying to carve out a hole with the Jesus part out of his life. Sooo he feels no need for Jesus.

BOB: (singing)But when Jesus fills your heart

Bob: (still singing) he satisfies your soul (inserts hole into donut)

Everyone(singing): Like a pastry something I can’t make out in a donut ooooooohhhhhh yeah!

Bob: (not singing) ok, grab the seeds, there they are, now all we need to find is some good soil.

I’m sorry, but all the good soil in the world will not plant donuts.

Ugh. I had the perfect screenshot, then youtube did something and I lost it. Hang on let me go back…

But how will we know when we find good soil?

This child here just looks so skeptical. Go boy or girl!

Well, as to how to find good soil, I recommend those books I’m sure aunt Jim and Uncle Alice have lying around. This was the 1990s, I’m therefore SURE that they have books on how to farm.

Bob: good question:(assumes position of The Thinker)

Bob: do you remember the story about the farmer, about the one who threw the seeds?

HAHAHHAHAHAAHA I knew this was coming! I knew it!

Bob segways into a song about the parable of sewer

They sing a song about the parable of the sower. Most of us are familiar with the story.

In case you’re not, the story can be found in chapter 13 of Matthew. I believe the explanation of the parable is in chapter 14, or it may be in the same chapter as 13. Who knows who cares. Anyway:

Bob: some seeds fell on the weeds

The weeds actually laugh as Bob demonstrates. I tried to get a good screenshot of it but youtube quality.

bob: some seed fell on the rocks

The rocks sneeze as Bob throws the seeds on them. He really shouldn’t be wasting seed like that.

Soooo where is the plot in this movie? This movie This movie is literally just a bunch of kids and a grownass man running around on a farm singing songs about Jesus.

Oh, and the talking donut. Oh god that talking donut. Too bad Krispy Kreme doesn’t deliver because I really want a donut now.

Anyway, I’m finally sober enough to notice… where is the plot?

Anyway, still on the song about the parable of the sewer, but I don’t feel like grabbing screenshots of every little thing, because that’ll just bog down the loading time.

Our muppet birds make another appearance, but I missed getting a screenshot of them. It shows them eating up the seeds.

For some reason parts 2 and 3 have the same song in them, soooo I get to listen to this song twice. Oh joy.

Well, as I said, these songs don’t seem too bad, compared to what else was around in the time period this movie was shot. Actually, even compared to some songs today these songs aren’t too bad. Sometimes when I hear children’s christian songs I just cringe. I must be the only person on the planet who hates “Jesus loves me.” Not the words, just the tune. Sing it to a rock tune and I’m suddenly magically happy with it.

Afterwards, bob asks, “now, do you understand about the good soil and the bad soil?

Me: NO!

Children: I think so

Bob: if you plant good seed in good soil, he’ll grow good food

TALK ABOUT HOW IN THE PARABLE OF THE SOWER WE CANNOT CONTROL THE SOIL OF OUR HEARTS JUST LIKE THE SOIL COULDN’T CONTROL WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD SOIL

Me: I hate fruit. Can he grow vegetables instead? I wish he’d grow broccoli instead of oranges. Broccoli is way better than oranges.

Wait a second…. they’re growing oranges? I never saw orange seeds? Can you grow oranges int he same climate as the green beans, corn, okra, and other stuff they are planting? I thought oranges only grew in humid places like Florida and Calamityfornia.

Girl in yellow shirt: just like Jesus’ word is planted in us

TBK: and if we pray and obey we’ll have good fruit too

Me: I’d rather have vegetables. Gimme the carrots and broccoli of human decency rather than fruit like love joy peace or patience

Bob: that’s right kids, and you’ll grow the fruit of the spirit.

This is a trigger for another song. This seriously makes at least 3 songs in the last ten minutes, each of which lasts 3 minutes each. Yeah, this movie has no plot. If it did, I might be inclined to review other episodes, but…. if the plots are always this shallow, there might not be a point.

Though I do kind of want to find the episode in particular that scared me as a child.

There’s some sort of African dance scene. TBK is dressed like this:

And he is the only one. Sure, let’s dress up the BLACK kid like an “African,” and none of the other kids. That’s not racist or anything…

Apparently the fruits of the spirit will make you “berry” happy, and “orange” you glad that you have these fruits, because these fruits will never go bad

For those who don’t know, the fruits of the spirit are

love

joy

peace

patience

kindness

goodness

faithfullness

gentleness

self control

after this song we are shown the children sowing seed to music. Again? Didn’t this already happen in the movie?

Afterward….

Kid: so, do you think the seeds will grow

Bob: were they good seeds?

Me: how would they know what seeds are good and what seeds are bad? It’s not just the quality of the soil, which I’m sure uncle Jim and Aunt Alice would have taken care of a long time before planting. The quality of the seed also matters, and I’m not sure if Jim and Alice would be able to screen for that before hand. Even if Jim and Alice could, though, the children, who are untrained in the Ways of the Farm, would not.

I remember helping my friend help her parents plant their garden. The used corn seeds that were pink. Bright, hot pink. I knew that was a color not found in nature, and had I not had someone to explain things to me, I would have assumed they were bad seeds and thrown them away. I was swiftly educated on the matter before I did this horrible thing, fortunately.

So, it’s not always obvious to the uninitiated.

Bob: and did we plant them in good soil

Me: once again, we can not know that for sure, but I’m assuming Jim and Alice would have tilled the soil before today

Kids: uh huh!

Bob: well then, I guess the rest is up to the lord, isn’t it?

Kids: –make varying noises of agreement–

Bob decides that he and the kids need to pray to the lord to bless their work. They all pray. I don’t care.

Aren’t there other factors at play besides soil anyway? Doesn’t weather play a part? And possibly other stuff I don’t know about because a farmer I am not?

And then, after the prayer, the donut pops up and declares he wants to plant a seed too, and I think I just barfed a little in my mouth. –sips water– –sips vodka–

All better. Back to the show.

Duncan: I want to plant a donut seed so I can grow a donut tree

:WHTEW;IUAIOUW4TY98PEHIRTLKTERW;HTKUY4HOIUUK,

that was me banging my fists against the kehyboard, because I didn’t want to injure my head.

Kids: donut tree!

Duncan: well sure, I’ve got these donut seeds

bob: Duncan…. I think those seeds are really cereal

Me: What kind of cereal? What kind of cereal could possibly look like seeds?

A horn honks. The kids and Bob excitedly exclaim that it is aunt Alice and uncle Jim.

Alice: the doctor says Jim is going to be just fine!

Jim: turns out I didn’t break my leg, I just sprained it. Doctor says I’ll be as good as new in a few days

Jim is sporting crutches.

Um, wait…. how do you sprain your leg? I’m no medical expert, my only medical knowledge comes from about 3 months of  EMT school, but…. I’m not sure a sprained leg is possible? A sprained ankle comes when you overstretch the ankle muscles around the joint….. I’m not sure how you’d do that with a leg?

At least his femur wasn’t broken, cuz with the way they were transporting him, that could’ve gone very badly very quickly. I know this is a kid’s movie so people think that stuff doesn’t need to be covered, but honestly, it could teach the kids something. It wouldn’t even have to be dwelt on too much, just something like, “we need to stabilize the leg with blankets so it can’t move around and hurt him.” Something simple like that. No need to even mention the possible slicing of a major artery that could result in death if not treated.

A quick google search reveals that it is possible to sprain your leg, though very very unlikely. It would have been more believable for him to have sprained his ankle.

In any case, depending on how bad the sprain is, it could cause trouble for a long time, especially in older folks. (Jim and Alice are old.) Even me, when I was a teenager, after I sprained my ankle, I continued to have trouble with that ankle long after it healed. For at least 2-3 years. So, it must be a very mild sprain….. oh who am I fooling, this is a dumb kids show, of course they wouldn’t have real meidcal knowledge.

Anyway, the kids, aunt Alice, and uncle Jim all celebrate

They are singing to the same tune and roughly the same song they were singing in the beginning of the movie.

Bob:

Jesus is a farmer and he wants us to hear

that his return is very near

something something Jesus wants us to see

that his love is growing in you and in me

They then start singing the exact same song from the beginning while throwing hay while going in a hay ride while being pulled by a tractor.

so, I said there would only be one donut repair club post. However, I found the episode that scared me as a child specifically, so I will be discussing it here. Also, I need a distraction, which is why I’m still watching. Well that and I do want to revisit the specific episode that scared me. Because facing our childhood fears is what adulthood is all about, right?

Right. Stay tuned folks. I’m apparently shit at sticking to a regular posting schedule. Next time, if I’ve found a source, I’ll start posting Buttercream Gang sequel posts.

If not, another donut repair club post is coming. Have a great week and see you all later.