The Buttercream Gang, the Penultimate Part

Now that I am no longer sick, I hope for this to be a nice long post. So, here we go.  I wanna try to get this done soon cuz I did want to move on to other movies. Too bad that pesky thing called real life keeps getting in the way.

We last left Scotty Boy debating whether or not he would fight Pete. He then had a heart to heart with his coach on the subject, so, even though the writers might have been going for tension, we all know what is really going to happen. Or at least, I did, at the tender age of 11.

Scene change! It’s the old settlers picnic!

No, I have no idea why they are having a picnic, or what it’s all about. They didn’t tell us. Usually this kind of thing is explained beforehand, but whatever. The only reason I know it is the old settlers picnic is because there is a great big banner saying so.

Pete stops Scott on his bike. In the woods on his way to the picnic, I presume. I’m really glad Pete is around, because this movie is no fun without him. He tells Scott never to talk to him that way or threaten him again. He beats Scott up, which is seriously what I’ve been rooting for for half the movie.

On a more serious note, even though I wanted it to happen… this is not ok. I think this is the first time I sympathize with Scott. This is also the first time we have seen Pete act toward Scott in a way that was actually threatening. I’m not saying verbal threats can’t be scary, but the target audience is children, and unless one is dealing with verbal and emotional abuse, it’s unlikely to come across on the screen as anything Scott should care about. Now that Pete really has beat up Scotty boy, the threats are more real and finally we are beginning to get the idea that gangs can be dangerous, like Scott’s dad said.

Scenes of happy picnic goers…. I don’t care.

Scott shows up with a black eye. His friends are upset. Well, jee, YA THINK?! Scott tells them it’s all no big deal, then he tells the guys to take his paper route.

Pete also ditches his new “gang” to go meet Scott.

They’re going to meet so…. so Pete can finish beating him up? I honestly have no idea. The storyline kind of stops making sense here. It’s like the writers just thought up every cliché about gang members they could think of and stuck ’em in there. Because so far this whole long, dragged out fight shit is kind of out of character. And rushed. And so obviously just stuck in the movie for filler.

Pete: you gotta prepare to accept what you dish out, that’s how it is in the real world!

So, I get it: in Chicago, you talk like Scott did at the game, you get beat up. Not sure how true this is, but this is the Buttercreamverse, where Chicago is a bad bad place full of bad bad gangs. And they’re all Hispanic, don’t forget that. I can kinda see where Pete is coming from, if that’s truly how he thinks the real world works. And no, small town life in Elkridge is not the real world.

But…. Scott has not shown up to fight. He has shown up to preach. “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, Pete.” and walks away.

Pete screams after him that he’s a coward and things will get worse for him. But he doesn’t run after him and continue beating him up, so, points?

Scott was soooo self righteous about it too…. oh my gosh if someone said that to me, I would be tempted to give them a beating as well.

Scott is now at his house talking to his parents. HEY LOOK, IT’S HIS MOMMY HI SCOTT’S MOMMY! It’s seriously the first time we’ve seen Scott confide in her at all. Actually it’s the first time we have seen her in a role that doesn’t involve The Happy Housewife.

What is Scott’s mother’s name, again? Do we ever get to find out?

I kinda wish it was just his mom rather than his dad, but apparently the male parent has to be there, yanno, can’t have the son confiding in his mamma, then he might turn out to be a SISSY.

Seriously, are there no black people in this movie? And why are all the female characters supporting characters, at best? Seriously, this movie fails.

Scott: I felt sorry for Pete

Scott’s parents are proud of him. But Scott thinks doing what’s right should change something, so he feels this is pointless.

Scott, it’s been what, 2 hours since you walked away? Change doesn’t happen that fast, douchebag.

Let me get one thing clear, I feel sorry for Pete too. But Scott doesn’t feel sorry for Pete for the same reasons I do. Scott feels sorry for Pete because Pete is “going down the wrong path.” That’s it. Scott doesn’t care that Pete has no one who really loves him; he merely has people who put up with him. Scott doesn’t care that Pete might not actually be guilty for all that he’s supposed to ahve done in Chicago, but that his reputation, once broken, can be impossible to fix.

No, Scott doesn’t care about any of that. Scott only feels sorry for Pete because he’s no longer a golden boy goody two shoes.

I don’t blame Pete for getting mad at Scott’s preaching… he really did come across as a goody goody.

Our hero, folks. See how much he cares about PETE. It would honestly have been better if he did not show up to the meeting with him at all.

I am nearly done with this movie. I need a drink.

I wonder if Pete’s new friends care about him more than Scott does? Because for me, this movie does not have a happy ending. The happy ending to this movie would be if Pete found someone who really cares about him, and accepts him the way he is. Loves him unconditionally. And then maybe Pete can go back to doing nice things for others. Or something.

Spoiler alert: that’s not happening.

So far we’ve only seen Scott berate Pete for the choices he’s making. I admit, some of them are bad choices, BUT he never sits down to really listen to why Pete is doing this. He does a little bit of that, but not without arguing back at Pete, which, as we all know, isn’t really listening. One of the big reasons I left Christianity, actually, is because I couldn’t find anyone to do this. Everyone I talked to about things just argued with me and started to preach at me. When I called them out on it, they’d say they weren’t preaching, they were “sharing.” I gave up trying to tell them it was the same damn thing, and ended up walking away. If I’d had someone to love me like that, to really talk to…

No, I still would’ve lost my faith, it just would’ve taken me longer.

Scott’s dad starts talking about the Vietnam war. He tells about his war buddy who always introduced himself by saying, “hi, my name is Scott Paulsen, and I’m a Christian.”

Gee, can’t see why THAT would rub people the wrong way. Even the most conservative people I know are more tactful than that. Even the CAMPUS people don’t do that. I mean, they’re not going to lie if you ask about their religion, but they’re not going to go around all, “Eye iz uh Krist-chen!11!!!!111!!1!!1”

Scott’s dad: needless to say


Scott’s dad: we made his life miserable because of what he believed

Ummm no, no you didn’t. You didn’t make his life miserable because he was a christian, you made his life miserable because he was obnoxious about it.

But Goody Good Christian(tm) never got angry about it. He was always very helpful… bla bla…. wait, what? Scott’s dad tried to talk to Goody Goody Christian about his religion one night and…he wouldn’t say much? WHAT? WHAT KIND OF A CHRISTIAN IS THIS!

Seriously, when a guy comes to you and asks about your faith… I don’t want to say that one is obligated to talk about it, because that’s not the case. However, most Christians I know of want to be asked about their faith because they want to share it with others.

Here we have a guy (Scott’s dad… yay! I learn his name! It’s Tom! I have a name for his dad! Finally, jeez!) coming to Goody Goody and asking him about his faith and…he doesn’t say much?

After putting it out there on display for all the world to see and being all obnoxious about it, when asked he doesn’t…. say…

What? I don’t… I don’t even….

And this was his last chance too, because Goody Goody was killed a couple nights later. But he died saving a soldier who absolutely hated him. Tom never understood why he would do such a thing.

It’s called basic human decency you twatwaffle. When you’re in the army, you don’t just let your fellow soldiers die. It doesn’t matter that they hate you or not, it’s your duty to save your fellow man.

And hey, newsflash: there are people who are not christian who have died for people who don’t like them.

Novel concept, right?

Turns out Scott is named after goody goody. You’d think Scott would’ve heard this story before, if it is the story of his namesake?

Tom: when I held you in my arms the first time, I finally understood why Scott Paulsen did what he did…

Wait… is Tom saying that…when Scott was first born he… hated him?

I mean, the thing is, he didn’t understand why Private Scott would die for someone who hated him. Now he’s saying that when he held Scott, he understood?

Damn, maybe this is why Scott is such a prick. His father doesn’t love him either. Or…. didn’t when he was born, I guess?

Ok, seriously, why does Scott’s father get a whole monologue, but his mother just sits there in silence? Does she not have anything to contribute?

Scott doesn’t pick up his father possibly hating him. Instead he says: Do you think if I love Pete, he’ll change?

Well, I dunno, why don’t you try it sometime, ass wipe?

Tom: I think if you love Pete to try and change him you’re loving him for the wrong reasons.

Yes! Right on!

Tom: the person with the most impact on others is the person who can love people without having the people love him back.

Erm.. so, Tom is saying that Scott should love Pete, even if Pete doesn’t love him back, because otherwise he won’t have an impact on Pete.

Sigh. Right reasoning, wrong conclusion.

Tom’s final word of advice is for Scott to overlook what Pete does and see Pete for who he is, “like you did today.”

Um, sorry, Scott did not do that today, but, whatever.

And then, FINALLY Scott does what he should have done at the beginning of the movie: he goes to Mr. Graff’s store to confess that he ate stolen Beggin’ Strips.

Mr. Graff asks Scott “where are your two bookends?”


Scott: I need to talk to you about something by myself.

Actually, Scott… no, you don’t. See, the other 2 boys ate the stolen Beggin’ Strips too, so, you really all should be going to talk to Mr. Graff together. I can forgive Elton and Lanny for not knowing the treats were stolen, but Scott could easily tell them. They have a right to know. And if they knew, they’d probably make it up to Mr. Graff, too.

Scott: I know I should’ve told you sooner, but…

then proceeds to rat out Pete. Asswipe. Pete said he was going to do that himself. Has it been established that Scott knows Pete has not done so? We’ve seen that that’s not the case, but has Scott?

Scott(continuing): he had the nerve to say that you owed it to him for all the stuff he’s done for you.

Mr. Graff:  you’re right, you should have told me sooner.

Finally, someone calls out something Scott does as wrong!

Mr. Graff: but if it helps, I already knew.

Of course. Because we can’t have one of the adults fooled by a kid now, can we? Really screenwriters? You’re making Mr. Graff look bad here for not doing anything.

Scott: well, why haven’t you done anything about it?

Mr. Graff: well, I thought about it… I decided a little love and patience is more important than few pennies.

So, he’s waiting for Pete to come to him on his own because he trusts that Pete eventually will? I actually think this would be a good idea, however, even Mr. Graff can see it hasn’t been working. But I respect him for trying anyway. In fact, Mr. Graff is the only adult I respect in this movie.

Scott: but you shouldn’t let him do that to you!

Oh Scott, you cleraly don’t get it, do you? It’s not about the money Mr. Graff is losing, because Mr. Graff cares more about Pete than he does about money. And really, that is what a Christian should be about. I’m not saying Mr. Graff shouldn’t have put a stop to Pete’s stealing long before now, I’m saying that, as a Christian, what Mr. Graff is saying is consistent with the values preached by Christianity.

Mr. Graff: you’re absolutely right. From now on, I’m just going to give him the treats, in appreciation for all the help he gave me.

Can I just say right now how much I love Mr. Graff? I’ve seen it argued (in an Amazon review) that Pete needs for Mr. Graff to call the police, but honestly, what good would that do? Pete already has an arrest record. He doesn’t need to have a longer one. Ultimately, that’s just going to make things worse for Pete. It’ll make it harder for him to get a job and if he goes to prison, horrible things will happen to him and then he’ll never have a hope of getting out of the cycle.

Mr. Graff cares about Pete, and he figures that Pete has helped him out a lot, and understands that maybe he is beginning to resent always helping others but never being helped in return. Christ I know the feeling.

Also, what Mr. Graff does next is brilliant.

But first we have to watch Pete and his friends smashing glass bottles on the railroad tracks. That actually looks like fun, and not gang related activity and all. I realize this is a kids movie, but they could at least involve beer and cigarettes. Also, I have seen kids’ movies done about drugs. This was the 90s, ok? Scare tactics about drugs abounded, even in kids’ movies. It could easily have been done.

Along comes Scott on his bike. I knew this scene was going to get boring.

Scott: Pete, you’re my friend. You’ll always be my friend… no matter what you do.

Right. Because you’ve been such a good friend to him throughout the movie…oh, wait. See, this speech would mean a helluva lot more if we’d seen Scott actually being a caring friend instead of, well, a prick.

And if he didn’t sound so… insincere… also, this would’ve gone a lot better if he’d waited till Pete was away from his gang members. He is clearly going to felt the need to act tough around them. The one time we saw Pete opening up to Scott was when the two were alone. And Scott was the one who walked away from the encounter, not Pete. To point that out: Scott was the one who walked away, not Pete.

Pete: So, what are you gonna do if I take that bike away from you?

Scott: you can have it.

This… is the first friendly thing I’ve seen Scott do. Pete clearly is resentful over the loss of his bike, and now he has one.

Granted I don’t like Scott’s attitude of “I’m clearly better than you because I’m giving the bike away instead of fighting you for it.” (no, he doesn’t say that out loud, but you know he’s thinking it.) but this is a step in the right direction. I think.

Pete is so much taller than Scott…. I’m not honestly sure that bike will fit him.

Next scene, Pete and his friends walk into Mr. Graff’s store… and walk right back out again.

Mr. Graff has brought out cokes (product placement!) for everyone! And he’s all, “hi boys, how are you? I bet your thirsty, why don’t you sit down!”

Pete’s gang members start to sit down, but Pete stops them. They stand around and chat awkwardly with Mr. Graff.

Mr. Graff is brilliant. I’m sure the writers aren’t thinking about it like this, BUT…

Frankly, if I had been robbing a place, and then one day I came in and the owner started taking an interest in me like that, and started giving me free drinks, I’d feel… well, embarrassed.  I’d never rob the place again. One, I’d feel too guilty, and two… maybe I don’t want Mr. Graff taking an interest in me, so if he’s going to continue, I’d want to stay away from there.

Mr. Graff is a genius. He’s not only taken steps to guarantee that Pete and his gang will never rob the store again, he’s also decided to start caring about Pete as a person. He doesn’t wait until Pete changes to start talking to him like he used to, he just… starts to show that he loves Pete.

Mr. Graff isn’t being a doormat here, he’s being smart. And he’s the only one in this whole entire movie who I think might actually love Pete for who he is rather than who he was.

Sorry this took so long to post. Real life kinda gets in the way sometimes, along with computer problems.

Tune in next week to watch Scott stalking Pete in an attempt to bring him back to the side of goodness and light. And then in the next post, we should be done, and can move on to other (creepier) things 🙂


In Which I Watch VeggieTales Where is God when I’m scared part 1.5

So, last time I didn’t finish because I was very sick and very tired and just had been kicked in the ass by life in general. So, let’s finish this movie, which I would’ve done earlier if wordpress hadn’t ate it for breakfast a week ago.

We last left as Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber were about to explain to Junior why he doesn’t need to be scared of anything –because Jesus!

Anyway, Bob the tomato starts to sing Junior a little song. Here it is on youtube

You were lying in your bed,
You were feeling kind of sleepy,
But you couldn’t close your eyes because the room was getting creepy.
Were those eyeballs in the closet?
Was that Godzilla in the hall?
There was something big and hairy casting shadows on your wall.
Now your heart is beating like a drum,
Your skin is getting clammy,
There’s a hundred tiny monsters jumping right in to your jammies!

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Bob: What are you going to do?

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Junior: I’m going to call the police!

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Actually, if two men who I’d never met before ninja’d their way into my room and scared me half to death, yeah, you bet my reaction would be to call the police. Especially since Junior really does have live monsters in his room, as seen in the pictures. They will later be shown dancing to the song.

Bob: No. You don’t have to do anything!

Nope, no calling the police ya’all, just call Jesus! Well, for monsters I would say sure, go for it, but…
Junior: What? Why?
Bob: Because…
God is bigger than the boogie man.
He’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.
Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man,
And he’s watching out for you and me.

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Bob the tomato: Get it?

Junior: I….Hmm… well… I…. umm… no.

This bit of dialogue is not part of the song on the official tape. I keep forgetting this part ever happened, since I’ve listened to the cassette over and over again but only seen this episode once or twice. Back in the 90s I couldn’t even look this up on youtube, oh the horror!

Bob: Oh. Well, you see, you don’t have to be afraid because God is the biggest.

I feel like believing this was never helpful. Sure God was bigger than the bullies at school, but he never did anything to stop them. And so what if he was bigger than my imaginary monsters? As far as I was concerned, God was like my imaginary friend –real, but not very helpful. I figured this out as an 11 year old child.

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to try and help a child overcome imaginary fears with an imaginary being. It sounds like something I would try. “Hey kid, whenever you think you see/hear a monster, say the word “bananas” and a bunch of flying monkeys will come zap the monster.” Or, something.

Junior: Is God bigger than King Kong?

Bob: Next to God Junior, King Kong would look like an itty bitty bug.

Junior: Well is he bigger than the slime monster? Because he’s the biggest of them all!

Larry: compared to God, the slime monster is a cornflake

May I take a moment to point out that  a cornflake is not usually bigger than a bug? So if the slime monster is bigger than King Kong, shouldn’t he be something bigger than a bug?

Junior: Yeah but the slime monster can squirt slime out of his ears… Can God squirt slime out of his ears?

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Oh my god…. is this… is this really a thing? Is there some show out there that has a monster that can squirt slime our of his ears? Oh my god, that is so gross…. I sincerely hope this was just made up for this episode because… just…. seriously, what are you children watching on television nowadays?

I wish to take a moment to point out that the Christian God would be a helluva lot more interesting if he could squirt slime out of his ears, albeit not many people would want to worship such a being.

Bob takes Junior over to the window

Bob: What do you see?

Junior: My curtains

Go Junior!

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Junior: I see a lot of stars

Larry: God made all those stars out of nothing. He just said poof, and they were there.

So, the makers of Veggietales believe in a literal 7 day creation where God spoke everything into existence. I don’t think this particular bit of dialog could have room for any form of evolution in there. Interesting to note.

Junior is awe struck by all this and acts as if he’s never heard this before. It’s later established that his family are Christians.(In this movie, that appears to mean taking the book of Genesis literally, which not all Christians do). I seriously doubt Junior made it all the way to age 5 without knowing the creation story in Genesis. I don’t think I made it to age three, and I only pick that age because if they taught it to me before then, I don’t remember it.

I could see them reminding Junior of this, but I have a very hard time swallowing that he’s hearing it for the first time. This is actually a pretty common trope in Christian fiction: have God Christian Person tell protagonist something protagonist has never heard about before, despite it being an impossibility that they haven‘t heard it before. Example, we often see, in Christian fiction, a Christian telling an Atheist about Jesus. Said atheist has never heard of Jesus before. In today’s society, especially in the first world countries, I guarantdamntee you that this is impossible.

So, I kind of dislike this scene because it comes across more of Junior being told for the first time, rather than being reminded.

Bob finishes up with the long list of things God made with: and that’s why we don’t have to be afraid

Me: you mean, I don’t need to be afraid of those big tough looking men in the dark alley with the big sticks? Because God created me? Wow!

Junior: Huh?

I’m with Junior, actually. Because, whether or not you believe God created the world, bad things happen, even to Christians. There are just some things I should be scared of. Just not monsters, and probably not those big steel tubes that go zooming up into the air and somehow manage to land on the ground in one piece.

Bob: Everything God makes is special to him. He made you, so you are very special to him. God loves the kids so much that he takes extra good care of them

I’m glad I wasn’t drinking as I watched this. Squirting vodka out my nose is not an experience I want to repeat. Seriously? God takes extra good care of children? Excuse me while I go laugh and then cry, because really, it’s not all that funny at all. Thousands of children are abused every day, and here we have a tv show trying to tell me God takes extra good care of children?

Even at the hands of Christian parents, children suffer abominably. I better get back to the movie and stop ranting. See, this is why I need to write drunk and only edit when I’m sober, because when I write while I’m sober, I get angry and ranty and want to punch someone.

Finally Junior gets it. Which is good because it spares the audience having to have it spelled out for us in monosyllable.

Bob: Oh, by the way, there’s someone else who wants to meet you.

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Actually…. I like this. A lot. For a lot of children who get scared by what they see on television, it can be extremely helpful to meet the actors in person. I don’t know if this is true, but I heard once that the daughter of someone who worked on the set of Dr Who was really scared of the Daleks. So this person took the child onto the set of Dr Who to see the real Daleks. She said it really helped her to see them, touch them, and learn about how they were made, how they were just props and not real at all. And so, even though Frankencelery probably scared poor Junior at first, I can forgive him for coming in costume, because something like that would be really helpful.

Of course, not all parents have this option, in fact, most don’t. If they did, though, it’d probably be the most helpful thing they could do to help their kiddo overcome their fear.

Junior is less than thrilled. He screams and runs to hide in his toybox.

Junior: It’s frankencelery!

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As per the photo, Phil Winklestein explains that he is just an actor in a made up story. In real life, he would never hurt anybody.

This is actually the most helpful thing Bob and Larry have done all night. See, Junior didn’t need preaching, he just needed to learn about actors.

And then Junior starts singing:

..So when I’m lying in my bed,
And the furniture starts creeping,
I’ll just laugh and say “Hey! Cut that out!”
And get back to my sleeping.

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‘Cause I know that God’s the biggest, and He’s watching all the while,
So when I get scared, I’ll think of Him, close my eyes and

God is bigger than the boogie man.
He’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.

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Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man,
And he’s watching out for you and me.

Monster #1: So are you frightened?
Junior: No not really!
Monster #2: Are you worried?

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Junior: Not a bit! I know whatever’s gonna happen, that God can handle it!
Frankencelery: I’m sorry that I scared you when you saw me on TV.
Junior: Well that’s ok, ’cause now I know that God is taking care of me!


God is bigger than the boogie man.
He’s bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on TV.
Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man,
And he’s watching out for you and me.
He’s watching out for you and me.
Watching, watching, watching!
Out for you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Just then Junior’s father knocks on the door and really, I think this is an example of parental fail because they have been so loud before, why is his father just now deciding to check up on him?
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We are then shown that Junior is all alone in his room. Bob, Larry, and Frankencelery have all disappeared. I hope the little monster balls have too.
Junior: I was just singing
Papa Asparagus: Well, your mother and I had a talk, and we think that show was a little too scary for you.
Junior: Well, maybe, but Frankencelery is really a guy named Phil from Toledo, and he’s not scary at all. And anyway, God is bigger than Frankencelery, and he will protect me from big scary monsters.
Frankly, if my kid showed that much maturity about the situation, I’d be totally ok with him watching the movie.
Papa Asparagus tells Junior he is right, but says we should still be a little more careful about what we watch on television. And you know what? It’s ok to tell us if you’re really scared.
I have never seen the movie Frankencelery is trying to be a copy of, but is it really all that terrible for a 5 year old? If your 5 year old didn’t seem scared by it because “It’s just acting,” would you let them watch it? I almost feel like Papa Asparagus should take into account the fact that Junior doesn’t seem to be affected by it, at least, anymore.
And I kinda like this part, because most parents probably are ok to tell if you’re really scared. Mine were pretty good about that too, actually, except when I began to be afraid of things like Police, Pastors, and Teachers.
Papa Asparagus: I’m glad you’ve been doing some good thinking, but it’s time to shut the thinker down and go to sleep.
Junior: Ok, night
Papa Asparagus: I love you little mister
Junior: I love you too big mister!
I like this. It sounds like a very realistic exchange between a man and his son, and shows us that, whatever their disagreements, Junior and his dad love each other. It’s a nice touchy feely moment, for those who like that sort of thing.
The show ends with Junior drifting off to sleep singing to himself God is bigger than the boogie man.
And now it’s time for…. SILLY SONGS WITH LARRY! The part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song.
Today it’s…. the waterbuffalo song!
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This is another song that was on my cassette. It’s not one of my favorites, but I don’t dislike it either.  Here are the lyrics.

And now it’s time for Silly Songs with Larry
The part of the show where Larry comes out and sings
A silly song, so without further ado
Silly songs with Larry, the water buffalo song

Everybody’s got a water buffalo
Yours is fast but mine is slow
Oh, where we’d get them, I don’t know
But everybody’s got a water buffalo


I took my buffalo to the store
Got his head stuck in the door
Spilled some Lima beans on the floor
Oh, everybody’s got a

Official looking guy:
(Stop it, stop)

Stop right this instant
What do you think you’re doing?
You can’t say everybody’s got a water buffalo
When everybody does not have a water buffalo

We’re going to get nasty letters saying

“Where’s my water buffalo?
Why don’t I have a water buffalo?”

And are you prepared to deal with that?
I don’t think so, just stop being so silly

Official guy wanders off

This has been silly songs with Larry
Tune in next time to hear Larry sing
Everybody’s got a baby kangaroo
Yours is pink but mine is blue
Hers was small but then it

Official Guy is heard screaming in the background.
I don’t have much to say about this song, but this is the end of the Junior storyline. And next time I’m going to make double backups in case WordPress eats my posts.
I’m really bad at sticking to a schedule, it seems. I’ll try to post another Buttercream Gang post either Tuesday or Wensday. Real life has been kicking my butt lately, so posting is kind of hard. Have a good week everybody!

The Buttercream Gang Part 12

Today’s post is going to be a short one, on account of the fact that I feel very sick. Said sickness might or might not be a result of too much partying….

Anyway, I also didn’t take any screenshots during these scenes because I didn’t think I needed to. I’m debating going to get some just because the post feels incomplete without them, but no one wants to see Scotty Boy in his tight baseball pants.

It’s the day of the championship. The whole town turns out to cheer on “the boys.” seriously, why are there no girls on these teams?

Lots of baseball… I don’t care.

Even I can tell their team sucks. It’s announced that this one kid hasn’t had a hit in 8 games. Jeez, way to embarrass the kid. He’s really going to do well if you bring THAT up. Way to boost his confidence.

Scotty boy’s team starts cheering for him the minute he gets to the plate. Because they couldn’t have done that for the no hit in 8 games kid. Asses.

Anyway, more baseball, I don’t care.

Suddenly their team doesn’t suck. Suddenly they’re beating the other team 14 to nothing. I’m sorry, but I find games like that really boring. It’s no fun if one team is whooping everybody else.

Seriously this game drags on. And on. And on and on and on and on and….

Oh look, here’s Pete to make this more interesting for me. How thoughtful of him. He starts cheering for the opposite team as Scott’s on and I am kind of with him. I like to root for the underdog. And then we get this:

“You let your team down just like your friends!”

Go Pete, you tell ‘im!

More baseball… I don’t care.

Because of Pete, the entire team gets discouraged…. yanno, Pete’s only been yelling at Scott. So unless Scott’s been carrying the entire fuckin team, this doesn’t strike me as realistic at all. The rest of the team has no reason to be so discouraged all of a sudden.

Elton Flowers is up to bat, and very discouraged. Scott’s team mates are not helping. “Come on Elton, don’t freeze up NOW!” They scream at him.

And we’re supposed to think that Pete is bringing the team down with his words? I think poor Elton’s team is doing a good enough job of that for…

Wait… this kid’s last name is…. Flowers? SNORT that’s awesome. From now on, whenever I can catch his name, Elton is going to be known as The Flower Child.

Even the other team feels sorry for him. One of the pitcher’s team mates tells him to take it easy on the kid. Now that is sad. I actually feel really bad for Elton because he clearly sucks.

I think I hear Pete calling out something negative, which seems odd because so far his criticisms have only been directed at Scotty Boy, but Elton bats a double, whatever the hell that means.

Scott starts yelling at Pete that “he’s not just hurting him, he’s hurting the whole team!”

Why? Pete’s just yelling at Scott. He’s clearly not trying to bring the whole team down, he’s just trying to bring Scott down.

And frankly, it’s not Pete’s fault that they’re losing. Scott, in fact, is letting what Pete says get to him. I know how hard it is to ignore that crap, but frankly, Scott isn’t hearing this every single day of his life like I did. This is just an isolated incident, which is much easier to ignore. He really needs to just get over himself, try not to let it get to him, and play baseball.

Pete, responds to Scott’s accusation rather calmly, that Scott is not his friend, but rather his enemy.

Some guy comes and yells at Scott that the games not over yet, and he needs to get back in the game. Take that, Scotty boy!

And then Pete’s grandfather proves he is an ass.

Grandpa: I’m sorry Scott, I wish there was something I could do.

Um, what? Listen, my parents would not have been thrilled with me if I had displayed that kind of behavior but they never would’ve thrown me under the bus like that. They probably would’ve taken me home, or said something encouraging to the kid like, “Just concentrate on the game.” or “you can still take it back,” or… I don’t know. Grandpa apologizing for Pete’s behavior just totally rubs me the wrong way.

Scott continues to be a total ass.

Scott: you can send him back to Chicago where he belongs!

Our hero, folks. This is the guy who is lauded for sticking by Pete even though he makes bad decisions! This is the guy who is praised for sticking by his friend and loving him through it!

You know what Scott sounds like? Scott sounds like the friends I know who left me the minute I no longer seemed like a proper Christian. Actually, no, Scott sounds worse than that because, even during the teenage years, they never would’ve said anything like that. Out loud, anyway.

Poor Pete. Does anybody actually love him in this movie? Even his grandpa, instead of confronting him about his behavior in private, makes excuses and “apologizes” in front of everyone that Pete knows. Hell, if I was Pete, I’d be pissed off.

Scott’s coach pulls Scott away from the fence. Scott apologizes, but I can tell he doesn’t mean it. What an asshole.

Oh snap, he’s not going to play baseball, Scott got thrown out of the game. Good, because that game was getting to be “the baseball game that never ended,” plus Scotty Boy deserves it.

After the game the coach talks to him. Scott admits he “lost his cool” and that “Scott took a pretty good ribbing.” Really? Because I’ve heard sooooo much worse. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but I feel like Pete didn’t say anything that bad to him.

Scott and his coach have batting practice as Coach gives Scotty Boy a lesson in history, kindness, and turning the other cheek. “an eye for an eye makes the world blind.”

Probably, but yanno, I honestly think that if Scott just fought Pete, he’d gain his respect, and the boys would probably go back to being friends afterward. I can’t say why, it just seems the way these things work sometimes.

Anyway, after Scott bats a few good pitches, he and the coach take off.

Will Scott finally give in and fight Pete, or will be “do the right thing” and turn the other cheek? This particular plot line gets dragged out on and on and… and we’ve already seen part of it, haven’t we? When Pete and Scott spend the day together instead of fighting. Well folks, be prepared for more of Scotty boy attempting to do just that by doing what he and his friends do best: stalking people! Plus, romantic tension between Scott and Margaret! Oh the drama! The suspense!

Excuse me, I think I’m going to go vomit again.

VeggieTales Where is God When I’m Scared Part 1

This is the missing part, the part wordpress ate.

Again, the disclaimer I always give: I watch movies with subtitles turned on, because I have minor hearing issues. This means that sometimes, the screenshots might have words over them that doesn’t seem to fit with the actual image. These are the subtitles, not me. Thank you for understanding.

It appears photobucket at my pictures in the last few posts. no worries, they will reappear after a few weeks or so. Apparently photobucket does that because of something called band width limits, which I don’t understand, but nevermind. I’ll figure something out. In any case, I have a partial backup of this post, so here we go!

This episode is labeled under “VeggieTales Classics” on Netflix. Wow, Something I remember coming out is old enough to be labeled as a “classic.”

I remember the main song on this from my VeggieTunes tape: God is Bigger Than The Boogeyman. Great song, btw, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

We start with the theme song, which is a nice change from the Esther movie. However, this is not the Intro that I remember from childhood. It’s a minor complaint, really, but…. I swear they changed the theme song when they uploaded this to Netflix on purpose.

We open with Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber on the kitchen counter

Bob announces that they are here to answer our questions.

Bob: Today we got a letter from Lucy Anderson oh Phoenix

In one week, I will be in Pheonix…. and I am terrified of that plane ride.

Little Girl Voice: Dear Bob and Larry, I am 6 years old. Sometimes I think there are monsters in the closet. That makes me real scared. Can you help me?

Huh. I remember the vegetables getting questions emailed… yes, we had email in 1995, and it was getting to be something you couldn’t live without out. Children 6 years old back then did not tend to have accounts, but with their parents permission they were allowed to use the parents’ accounts. I just don’t remember Bob reading an actual letter. Then again, it has been over 10 years since I last watched this, so I don’t expect my memory to be even halfway to perfect.

Anyway, because this was filmed back when children still wrote letters, Bob has read Lucy’s actual, physical letter.

Larry: Oooh! I remember when I thought there were monsters in my closet

Bob: Yeah Larry? What happened?

Larry: Well, it turned out there weren’t any monsters. Just my fuzzy bunny slippers, and they’re not so scary, just kind of squishy.

I can see why Larry, back in the day, was one of the favorite characters. Once, when I was going through a rough time, my friend M loaned me her stuffed Larry the Cucumber, and I carried that thing around all over the place. At the age of 14. No, no I was 15…. 16? Whatever. I know I was technically way too old for that sort of thing, but DON’T JUDGE. (If I went out to like, the store or something, Larry did have to hide in my purse, though.)

Bob: I see. Well Lucy, first check to see if it’s just your bunny slippers, and then watch this story about when Junior Asparagus got a little bit scared.

The screenshot I took of Bob was…. a bit weird. Why is Bob making this face?

The screen fades to black.

Big Idea presents: Tales from the Crisper!

Offscreen, we hear:

Character: It can’t be done, I tell you

Character 2: It can! Just watch as I throw this switch. Look, it’s alive! It’s alive!

Character 2: Frankencelery, where are you going? Don’t go through that door!

Frankencelery…. yes, this is meant to be a vegetebalized story of Frankenstein.

Actually, wait. In the story, wasn’t Frankenstein the doctor, not the creation with the scary lightening bolts? *googles* Yup, I’m right. The doctor’s name was Victor Frankenstein. So having the creation rather than the creator called Frankencelery is off. I’m sure we’re not supposed to get hung up on that tiny little detail, but there you have it, kids.

We then zoom out to see that this is all taking place on a television screen, in front of which sits little Junior Asparagus.

Just then, Mamma Asparagus calls out to tell Junior that it is time for bed

Junior: Just 4 more minutes

Mamma Asparagus: That’s what you said 4 minutes ago, now go upstairs. Besides, I think this show might be a little too scary for you

Junior: It’s not too scary. I… I like it.

I remember having similar conversions with my mom. Reading the Harry Potter books was (grudgingly) permitted, but watching the movies? Oh no! Those are too scary! (At this point, the movies were only on number 3. I watched them in secret, not scary at all.)

A certain Veggietales episode I was allowed to watch? Gave me nightmares for weeks. Harry Potter and the realistic Scooby Doo movie I wasn’t allowed to watch either? Yeah, nothing. Every child is different. I don’t think you can decide something is too scary before you see your kid watch a few min of it.

Junior continues to try to convince himself (unconvincingly) that the movie did not scare him as he hops up the stairs. No one in the audience is fooled.

On his way up the stairs, Junior sees a nice picture of his family

Which then turns into….

I actually kind of like this, because it shows, in a rather exaggerated way, how, when we are scared, even things that seem ordinary in real life can suddenly seem scary to us. Even as an adult, sometimes things seem out of proportion when I am scared. For example, when I met my boss for the first time, he came across as very scary to me, not because he was scary (though he has his moments) but because I was scared. And so, even as adults, when we’re scared, we can still have this distortion of perception. I think the movie did a great job of showcasing this, without as many words as I just used.

Junior runs up the stairs and slams the door. The screen fades to black. In the next scene, Junior is lying in bed.

Junior is still trying to convince himself that he is not scared, but he keeps thinking there are monsters all around him. His bed is definitely shaking, and I can’t figure out why.

And then, something genuinely frightening happens:

*pulls headphones out*

Ok, so, first off, Bob and Larry actually crash through the roof of Junior’s room. Yes, Larry is there, you can’t really see him drop (I really tried to get a good shot of it but it’s too fast), but when the lid closes on the toybox, that’s when he arrives.

I feel like if this movie was going for “things that seem frightening really are not,” they are going in the wrong direction, because if a talking tomato and cucumber –ok, forget the talking tomato part, actually– if 2 men suddenly jumped through my roof and appeared in my room, I would be TERRIFIED. Actually, that was a huge fear of mine as a child, men coming into my room at night and kidnapping me.

Junior has a real, legitimate reason to be absolutely terrified here. Even if he hadn’t just been watching a scary movie, he still would’ve been terrified, because strange men just jumped through the roof into my room.

I am actually surprised Junior did not scream louder. If that happened to me, my parents would’ve heard me scream and they’d know it was for real this time.

And yes, I do know that these people are strangers, at least in this story, because the very next words out of Junior’s mouth are “Who are you?!”

I feel like this is a very shitty thing to do to someone, scary movie aside.

But, these are the screenwriters, who think that if people are harmless, no one will care if they bust into your room.

Puts headphones back in.

Bob: I’m Bob. I’m a Tomato, and I’m here to help you.

I might not post it, because this post has way too many images anyway, but I took a screenshot of that just because I thought it was hilarious. What are you gonna do, Bob, feed my hungry stomach? somehow, without me having to eat you, fill my blood with levels of lycopene and vitamin C?

Oh right, Bob’s intention was to scare Junior into repentance.

I’m kidding I’m kidding, VeggieTales isn’t that bad, sheesh.

Just then, Larry begins trying to get out of the toychest. Junior believes that a monster is in his toychest.

And again, he has every reason to believe this. I mean, if I didn’t see Larry drop, I doubt Junior did either. Junior has no idea that a “harmless” cucumber just fell into his toychest. Besides, these guys just appeared in his room. Which is kind of on the same “I don’t believe this is real” level as actual monsters.

Junior speculates about what kind of monster it could be, but when Larry pops out of the toychest…

Bob: It’s a cucumber

Junior does not look too relieved.

I feel like I’m posting a lot of screenshots, but honestly, this episode is only 30 minutes long, so things happen fast. It’s not like The Buttercream Gang where whole stretches go by without a plot. It’s even shorter than the Queen Esther episode, which was about 45 minutes long. And it felt even longer.

Bob: We couldn’t help but notice that you were a little bit frightened, so we thought we’d drop in and help

Me: By giving him the scare of his life?! Also, wait, what? You noticed he was a little bit frightened? What are you, stalking him? Jeez!

It’s official: Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber are more terrifying than Frankencelery. I mean, Frankencelery was just a movie. Bob and Larry, at least to Junior, are real.

Larry: Yeah, um, fear not, for behold I bring you glad tidings of great joy which shall be to all people for unto you

Well, that line made me laugh, anyway, so I kind of forgive them for scaring the crap out of Junior in an attempt to make him not scared anymore. Which seems very counterproductive, but this line at least is funny.

Bob: Wrong story Larry

Larry: Oh.

Junior: Well, I wasn’t really scared you know

Until you guys totally jumped into my room through the roof instead of, you know, KNOCKING. And then told me you’d been spying on me enough to see I was scared, what the heck!

Oh wait, that’s my response. Junior’s is to pretend that all this is totally normal.

Junior: I’m 5 years old, so I can handle it.

Huh. It never really occurred to me to wonder how old Junior was. I always just assumed he was…. young. So, there’s that bit of trivia I never knew for like, 20 whole years of my life.

I’ve never actually seen the real Frankenstein movie, by the which I mean the one this movie is trying to emulate, which I’m guessing was circa 1950s/early 1960s before color tv became popular (1964-1966ish, I think). Would you let a 5 year old watch it? Without seeing it for myself, I have no idea. I’m going to guess that 5 years old is probably a little young, depending, of course, on said 5 year old, because every child is different. I mean, there are 5 year olds out there who can handle Aladdin and The Little Mermaid, so I’m pretty sure there are 5 year olds out there who can tolerate Frankenstein.

Bob and Larry finally get Junior to admit that maybe he was just a little bit scared, but only a little bit. But if Junior was scared, how could Bob and Larry help him?

Well, for starters, they could have COME TO HIS DOOR AND KNOCKED. Do not tell me that vegetables can’t knock because they don’t have hands, because multiple shows will later prove otherwise. Also, they can do everything else that requires hands, including clap. Do not tell me that they couldn’t have just knocked on his door. They still might have startled him a little, but it would have been way less terrifying than busting in on him all ninja style.

I promised there’d be a post today, so this is part 1. I really just don’t fell well at all tonight. Tomorrow there will be a Buttercream Gang post, and I hope to have the rest of this episode up on Saturday.

Tune in next time to hear all about how Junior got over his fear by the creepy spying dudes who ninja’d their way into his bedroom!

In Which I watch The Buttercream Gang, Part 11

I’m still super pissed off that my veggietales1 post somehow didn’t get posted at all. I’ll do my best to get to it when I get back from Con. For those who don’t know, I will be going to Kingdom of Loathing convention in Arizona. I will later blog about both the game and the convention.

For those who don’t know, Kingdom of Loathing is an AWESOME online game that you all should play.

Now, on to the Buttercream Gang!

We last left our heroes at the dance, while Pete and his gang stand off to the side and light something on fire. This turns out to be a firecracker, and he throws it at Scott and Margaret on the dance floor.

it goes off with a bang. Kids scream.

This is the first truly dangerous thing we see Pete and the gang do. The other fires he started weren’t anywhere near other people, and you could argue that they wouldn’t spread, or that they could’ve been put out before they spread. But a firework? Thrown into a room full of crowded people? Sorry, that’s just dangerous. I don’t blame Scott for being pissed. He runs after Pete and the gang. Which, by the way, is a really bad idea.

Scott: what’s the matter with you!

I agree. For once.

Pete: I told you I’d get even I always do! You and your two buddies better watch out you understand?

Scott screams at Pete that he’d better stop what he’s doing. Otherwise, Scott himself will stop Pete.

Pete: tomorrow 3 o’clock Swanson’s field, you’d better be there.

There is more testosterone spraying, then the fight is over.

Cut to Sunday morning (because this film is not Seventh Day Adventist. I actually looked it up, it’s made by a Mormon company) at church. The congregation is singing…. a song I don’t recognize. The church sign just says welcome. I have no idea of the denomination. Or at least, I wouldn’t if I hadn’t looked it up on google. If I was just watching for the first time, however, I would have no idea the people who made it were Mormon.

I’m not saying that this is a good or a bad thing, mind. I am just noting that this is how it is done. I’m guessing it has less to do with a desire to hide their Mormonism and more to do with the fact that the film makers wanted this movie to appeal to as many audiences as possible, so they made the religious stuff as non denominational as possible.

I went back and tried to make out the lyrics of the song. Without the help of subtitles it took a few tries, but I finally heard one line, googled, and came up with the following hymn:

Somebody did a golden deed,
Proving himself a friend in need;
Somebody sang a cheerful song,
Bright’ning the sky the whole day long.


Was that somebody you?
Was that somebody you?

Somebody tho’t ’tis sweet to live,
Willingly said, ?I’m glad to give?;
Somebody fought a valiant fight,
Bravely he lived to shield the right.


Somebody made a loving gift,
Cheerfully tried a load to lift;
Somebody told the love of Christ,
Told how His will was sacrificed.


Somebody idled all the hours,
Carelessly crushed life’s fairest flow’rs,
Somebody made life loss, not gain,
Tho’tlessly seemed to live in vain.


Somebody filled the days with light,
Constantly chased away the night;
Somebody’s work bore joy and peace,
Surely his life will never cease.


The sermon makes so much more sense now, with that context. I’m also not coming up with anything particularly special about the song. Seems like one of your general run of the mill Christian hymns… odd I’ve never heard it before, then. It was written by the same guy who wrote “I Surrender All.” A much more popular hymn at least in my circles.

Also, the inside of this church is very undecorated… I find that extremely odd. Most churches have more than just white walls, a light fixture, and a stained glass window with a not particularly interesting pattern. More non denominationalizing, or low budget film?

The pastor/priest/whatever you call a Mormon Person in charge of a church, gets up and talks. This is the only Non Pete scene that holds any interest for me, because the facial expressions of the kids are hilarious. 

Pastor: Somebody did a golden deed. Somebody willfully said “I’m glad to give.”

 somebody tried to lighten the load. Was that somebody you? Is our spiritual progression based on our ability to love and care for one another?

As he speaks, the camera pans out over the audience. Even the children are paying rapt attention. Seriously, at their age, I was too busy drawing pictures on the back of the bulletin with pens stolen from mommy’s purse.

Pastor (continuing): I think that we’d all admit that there is a direct correlation between our ability to love and care for one another, and the quality of our own lives.

Me: errrrrrrrrrm maybe?

Pastor: (continuing): something something I didn’t catch…. we agree that those abilities affect the lives of those around us

He looks like that because he suddenly realized he had a very full bladder.

I’m kidding, it’s because he’s being affected by the sermon, of course.

Pastor(continuing): When we really take the time to learn how to love ALL men. Will we take the time to learn to love not just our friends, but our enemies?

Margaret, giving Scott “The Look.” I think. We don’t actually get to see her do it. This is the only shot we get, because only the male’s reaction matters. When she turns around, she makes the expression in the photo, then smiles smugly. I actually don’t really need to include this image, but I did anyway because that dress… SNERK! This is 1992, not 1895. Or 1985. Or something.

Yes, the coach is preaching. He says no good deed goes unrewarded, which we all know is BULLSHIT.

He says we shouldn’t just offer love and help to people when it is convenient. He starts talking about the old Mosaic law of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, and then Lanny? Gives us this reaction.

To which Elton gives this reaction.

He looks REALLY pissed about the fact he doesn’t get to punch Pete.

And when Coach says “that law has been replaced by ‘turn the other cheek,'” Scotty Boy looks like this.

After the service, The boys argue about whether or not “coach” (it’s not just me being faceblind, the coach really IS the pastor) heard about the fight. One boy says that’s not true, cuz he heard him practicing the sermon last week. Another boy says, “my mom tells me god knows everything.”

Seriously? You’re 13 and you’re relying on what yo mamma tells you? Boy, you 13-15ish, give or take, you outta know that by now from DA BIBLE. What a sissy, jeez.

So now Scott is conflicted. Will he go, or not go? The drama folks, it is unbearable.

Scott and boy1 eventually do show up. Pete and his gang are waiting for him. The Buttercreamers are waving a white flag. Actually, not Scott. These are Lanny and Elton. They tell Pete that Scott wants to meet him alone (finally, jeez!) at the old truck in the olive grove.

Pete goes. Asks what this is all about. Honestly, Scott getting Pete alone is… what was needed before, actually. For once he’s going about things the not so stupid way.

Scott thinks there’s a better way than fighting. Pete thinks that’s an excuse. I’m with pete actually. Pete says Scott should be afraid of him because he learned a lot back in Chicago. I believe it, if he really was in a gang, he’d have learned a lot about fighting.

Testosterone spraying…. I don’t care. Scott finally challenges Pete to spend a day with him. Wow, finally, Scott is giving Pete some individual attention! Pete is a different person than I am, but personally if someone offered to do that with me, I’d be thrilled. I wouldn’t admit it, but Id be THRILLED that someone wanted me around that long.

 I’m not really too thrilled about the tone of voice Scott in which Scott delivers this challenge. “I challenge you to spend a day with me like you did last summer, if you’ve got the guts.” Actually, I wouldn’t allow myself to show how thrilled I was either, what with the tone of voice and all. Scott is really being a prick about it, isn’t he?

Pete’s reaction is thusly:

There’s a montage of Pete and Scott doing fun things set to background music with no lyrics. It’s all very…. boring, actually. We’re skipping ahead.

Actually, back up a bit. Pete has a bike in this shot… when it is later talked about that he doesn’t have one… consistency people, it is a thing these days.

Seriously, this montage goes on too long though. If I was my teacher, I’d have been hitting the fast forward button.

Scott says that Pete has “done it again,” made him relax and forget all his worries. And that’s nice, actually. He’s telling Pete good things above him. That’s… actually, I like that. It’s one of the few times Scott has said something positive about Pete since he discovered the gang related activity.

Pete: what worries?

I don’t blame him. Scott doesn’t seem to have any real worries. Not like Pete, who as to worry about things like people blaming him for stealing items from lockers.

Scott is worried about the championship game tomorrow. Just like old times.

Pete: except it’s not like old times, it is?

Maybe not for you Pete, but for Scott, nothing’s different. He’s still the naïve little kid you left behind, and really, that’s as things should be. 13-15 year olds ideally SHOULD be a little ignorant of how things could be.

Scott argues that it could be the same. Pete argues that things and people change. Pete is right. Scott continues to argue that it’s just like old times then Pete says this:

Pete: except you’re trying to save me from myself except hey, I already know it’s too late.

I’ve felt like this before, I really have. And in a way, Pete is right. He can not go back to being his old self, because he is not his old self. If Pete does go back to the way of all things Good and Righteous, that is very doable. However, he will still be a different Person. Pete has experienced things, and done things… and those things, they change us. Because we can never go back to our old pre-evil selves, we often feel like it is too late for us. It is only when we accept the fact that we will never be who we once were that we can begin the healing process, and stop trying to go back to the old life. Instead, we make ourselves into a new person.

Scott: it is not! Today proves it!

Moron. Being able to have fun swimming does not prove it’s not too late. Pete here needs real reassurance, real proof, that it is not too late for him. And I’m sorry, but he’s not going to get it. He’s going to get more of Scotty acting like a complete douchebag.

Pete: the only thing today proves is that we were friends.

Meh, it also proves that Scotty’s trying to hold onto that friendship, but ok I can see where he’s coming from. He and Scott were good friends who used to go around swimming and fishing, but Pete is different now. The friendship is probably going to have to go in a new direction. Pete has a whole part of his life he can’t really share with Scott, because Scott has not been there.

Pete: sometimes I want so bad for things to be the way they were but…. they can’t!

Even my conservative Christian friends understood this. When I got into… er, stuff, they knew I could come out again BUT they knew that things would never be the same as they were before I got into….er, ungodly stuff. They understood. I feel like Scott could understand, too. If he’d take a minute to empathize instead of straight up arguing the entire time.

Scott: sure they can

Me: Ah, the innocence of youth.

Pete: not they can’t, it’s like riding your bike someplace and getting lost you try to go back and find out where you made the wrong turn, but you don’t know where you made the wrong turn and every turn you make after that, it just gets you more lost.

Scott: so you stop and ask someone for directions.

Who, Scott? Who is he supposed to ask? What if you’re riding your bike in the middle of the woods and the only living things you can find are squirrels? Are you supposed to ask them for directions? I don’t think so.

I kinda get where Scott is coming from on this, because I feel like Pete isn’t explaining it well. But he’s what, 15? 16? When I was that age, I had trouble explaining things too, especially to people who were still Naive and sheltered as Scotty Boy.

Pete: I ask you for directions?

Scott: tell you not to be so selfish

Um, what? Excuse me? Pete is opening up to you, here. You could…. not accuse him of being selfish? Because ok yeah, arguably he has been, a little, but this is hardly the time to bring it up. It also doesn’t actually fit in with what Pete just said to him.

And no, Scott, he can’t ask you for directions. You’re younger than he is, for one, and have experienced a lot less of life. Also, you’ve never been lost. If I were Pete, I’d much rather ask someone who’s actually been where I’m at, or at least, been close to where I’m at, and then I’d take him seriously. You’re just a little prick who thinks things can go back to the way they were before and they can’t. They’re not. Admit it you douchebag and stop being…. well, a douche bag.

Pete: what makes you think I’m being selfish?

Scott: because you take things, you only think of yourself

Hello stupid? He’s been stealing SUGAR. Maybe he steals that BECAUSE HIS GRANDMA NEEDS IT YOU SONNUFA BITCH!

Also, I’m going to repeat something I’ve often said to my conservative Christian friends when they told me the same thing: Of course I only think of myself! Wanna know why? Because somebody has to.

I have not seen anyone in this movie care about Pete. Pete’s aunt only wanted him around because of what he could do for her. His grandpa just seems to barely tolerate him, Margaret only spied on Pete because “it was the right thing to do” (it wasn’t, but we already went over that) and Scott’s only interested in Pete because they used to be friends and do fun kid things together, and he’s been nothing but a prick to Pete in this movie since he changed.

Pete: I take only what I deserve, I spent hours helping people like Mr. Graff and never got anything for it. I’ve done plenty for this crummy little town and what did I get for it? Nothing! No Scott, I think you’re the one who’s being selfish

Scott: me?!

Pete: real friends accept each other for who they are, you’re only willing to be my friend if I change. I’m not who I was Scott I am who I am.

A truer thing hasn’t been said all movie! I agree 100% with Pete here.

I understand Pete’s anger. It doesn’t give him the right to steal things, but I understand where he’s coming from.

Second, he is right. Scott has clearly acted like a douchebag since Pete changed. He wants Pete back as his friend, but he wants the Pete who was, not the Pete who is. Pete sees that, and sees that that is selfish of Scott.

Pete is no different from you or me: he wants to be accepted for who he is, not in spite of it. Me and my sexual orientation, I’m accepted in spite of who I am by most Christians, not for who I am. Especially with my fun and sinful past, heh. Mine rivals Pete’s, actually, since the worst he’s ever done is… shoplift. I mean, come on, we could at least see him smoking a cigarette (they make fake ones for movies and they’re really cheap) or sipping from a beer bottle wherein the beer has been replaced with… tea or something. Pete can’t be a real gang member, he’s never even done drugs. Not that I’ve done drugs either…. whistles innocently.

Scott argues back that he’s trying to be Pete’s friend, so Pete shouldn’t accuse Scott of being selfish. Ummm ok Scott, but you didn’t disprove Pete’s point; you only want to be Pete’s friend if he changes who he is. And instead of just sitting there listening to Pete and maybe doing some self reflection, you’re acting like a complete and utter DOUCHEBAG.

Oh wait, that’s not out of character, nevermind.

Pete: who asked for you friendship anyway!

Scott: you did! That night at my house!

Ummm well…. actually, that’s kinda true.

Pete: well I guess it was pretty stupid of me, wasn’t it?

I agree, Pete. Scott’s a douche, you should seriously cut him out of your life because clearly he can’t love you for who you are. And if you can’t love someone for who they are now, even if it’s not ideal, you do not love them at all.

Scott: that’s right, why should I settle for second best in a friend?!

Um, ouch? Way to show you care for him Scott. NOT. Douchebag.

Pete: don’t worry Scott you won’t have to. Just remember, in my neck of the woods there are only two types of people your friends and your enemies.

I’d say this is an unnecessary measure of extreme, but ok whatever. I think even Chicago gangs would realize that there are people who are neither friend nor enemy but just, you know, are kind of trying to exist and don’t care about you one way or another? This movie does a great job of making Chicago seem like a scary and dangerous place full of gangs, crime, and drunken debauchery. Maybe some parts are, but honestly, Chicago isn’t that bad.

Scott stomps off in a huff.

Pete: While you’re walking off think of this: you never once asked me what happened in Chicago. You never once asked me. You’re just like all the rest; you think I want it this way.

Pete is right. We’re probably not supposed to notice, but no one, not aunt bitch, not his grandpa, not Scott, has ever asked him what really happened in Chicago. And frankly, I’d like to know as well. What did happen in Chicago, Pete? Were you really aware of what your gang members were doing? Were you really set up that time you got expelled? How did aunt Bitch treat you? Did you ever feel like you were part of a family? Have you ever had a chance to defend yourself without someone arguing with you that you just needed to take responsibility even though you might not have done it? That you’re going to have a hard time getting a job with an arrest record so why bother?

I hope you weren’t curious, Dear Reader, because We Don’t Get To Know. No one will ever ask. Ever.

And Scott continues to be a complete and utter douchebag.

Tune in next time for really exciting baseball shenanigans, a heart to heart with the coach, and of course, Pete shows up to liven things up. Because otherwise I’d personally die of boredom watching this movie.

I apologize for getting this post out so late. After the con, I needed an entire week off to recharge my batteries. Posting will now resume on its regular schedule starting wed. There might be a post on Saturday as I redo the veggie tales episode wordpress ate, but I might wait till Wed on that, depending on how my Saturday goes.

Have a good weekend everybody,




In Which I Watch Veggie Tales, Where is God When I’m Scared?/Daniel in the Lion’s Den

There will be a Buttercream Gang Post…. sometime. I’m going on vacation tomorrow, and I really wanted to have it up by now, but wordpress only allows me to save one draft at once. So, I’ll try to get it up today or tomorrow. If it’s not up tomorrow, it will get done on Sunday when I’m cooling my heals in the airport for 5 hours between flights.


I wanted to do both these parts together but then the meds kicked in and knocked me flat. So, here we go

Now, onto the next episode, Daniel and the Lion’s Den.

This is the only episode I can remember someone criticizing in real life. I believe it was pastor Cory Jackson, actually. I remember him telling us his kids weren’t allowed to watch VeggieTales, because “When your carrots start talking to you” and then he laughed. Looking back, however, he also said in another sermon that his kids only read the bible and Ellen White. At the time I thought that was a really awesome thing to do. Now, I pity those kids. For the record, my parents weren’t even half that conservative. They policed my movie choices far more than they ever did my reading. I think they thought things were less scary when I read them, for some reason. As an adult I do not always understand my parents’ logic.

I’ll get to the part his pastor criticized later, because it would spoil the story otherwise. So I’ll just jump right in. For the record, even as a teenager, I didn’t think this pastor’s criticism was valid.

Jumping in for real, now.

Actually, On second though, I don’t think this story is at all different from the story of Junior and Frankencelery. See, I believe Daniel was scared. Who wouldn’t be? He was about to be murdered for his religious beliefs. But see, the definition of bravery isn’t the lack of fear, but rather, doing what you must anyway in spite of that fear. Daniel did what he believed was right in spite of the fear that he would die, and so, he is recorded in the bible as being brave, because Daniel was brave in spite of his fears.

Ok, now I promise we are really going to get started on the story.

The credits tell us that “Archibald Asparagus” stars as “King Derius.” Is this the same guy as Junior’s father, or another asparagus? I don’t honestly know.

Larry the Cucumber will be playing Daniel.

We open with a view of a large body of water, (no, I don’t know which) as a narrator tells us that when Daniel was young, he was taken from his homeland and made to live in Babylon, where he went to school in the place of a Babylonian King.

I like this. This is an example of giving children details without giving them too much. In the Bible, Daniel was kidnapped from his family and homeland. This episode of Veggie tales glosses over the icky details, and doesn’t show the actual kidnapping, and yet, it does discuss that hey, Daniel was a kidnap victim. Yet it is done in such a way that some kids will know it, yet it will fly over the heads of most children. 

Narrator: Daniel missed his home very much, and every day he prayed that God would take care of his family and friends, and look after him, too.

The narrator won’t mention this, of course, but the biblical account says that Daniel and his friends were made Eunuchs. I’m not entirely sure the details of what that means, but I know it involves making sure they will never have sex. Or the desire for sex, or something. I personally would find it very hard to pray to such a god who would allow that to happen, and have no idea how the real Daniel, if there was one, managed.

Narrator: God heard his prayers, and helped Daniel become as wise as he grew older, till the whole palace knew of his wisdom

I kinda wish the narrator hadn’t skipped out on why Daniel became wise, but I understand they only want to tell one story. Though I guess the story of Daniel becoming wise because he ate his fruit and vegetables (yes, that is biblical, go read the first 2 or 3 chapters of the book of Daniel) wouldn’t be popular in a story where the main characters are fruits and vegetables. I kind of still wish an episode had been done on it at some point because it really is a good story.

In any case, the narrator continues.

Narrator: Then one night, the king of Babylon had a dream

The details of this dream, for those not familiar with the story, can be found in Daniel 2. Here is a link to the NIV version:

In Seventh Day Adventist theology, this dream is highly significant. Therefore, every child is required to study it if they are attending Seventh Day Adventist schools. The dream comes up time and time again, with more details being given as the child ages. In fact, I was part of CAMPUS ministries, and was expected to give bible studies on the subject, so I can tell you approximately when certain empires rose and fell, which metals they represented, etc. I’m told I was very good at giving these bible studies, but that is James’ opinion, not mine. (James was the man who taught me how to give Bible studies.) In any case, the contents of the dream won’t be relevant to the plot, so I won’t get into it here.


This is the cue to segway into a song. Unlike the Donut Repair Club, these songs further the plot, or at the very least happen in between plot, so I can tolerate them. This particular song was on my veggietunes cassette tape, so it brings back memories. Here is the youtube link.



King Darius: I am King Darius
I’ve had a dream
And now I’m feeling rather frightened
And I wish someone would tell me what it means.

Wiseman #1: We are your wisemen
Yes, that is true
And though we’re using all our wisdom
We’re afraid we can’t explain your dream to you.

King Darius: What!?

Wiseman #2: But there is one who is wiser still
And Daniel is his name
So before you take another sleeping pill
Perhaps he can explain.

Daniel: My name is Daniel
That much is true
But it is God who gives me wisdom
And through me He will explain your dreams to you.


Maid: His name is Daniel
That’s what he said
But when he talks about this God of his
I think he’s kind of loony in the head. (I do.)


I’m with the maid on this one, but this is the wrong story for us atheists. Except maybe the Lion’s Den.

Narrator: Well, Daniel was able to explain the king’s dream. And this
made the king very happy.

(singing again)
King Darius: Daniel, you have enlightened me
Your job I will expand
From now on I want you to sit right beside me
As the second in command!


Basically, in the bible, the king threatened to kill all the wise men in the land because no one could explain the dream (again, I understand the writers not wanting to show this. It is not a particularly relevant detail). Well, the king’s men came to kill Daniel. Daniel told them to give him 3 days and he would explain the dream. So Daniel and his friends fasted and prayed, and God showed him the dream.

You see, the king wasn’t stupid. He knew that if he told the wise men his dream, the wise men would make up an interpretation. So the king told them to not only tell him the interpretation, he wanted them to explain the dream. Very smart of the king, in my opinion.

God gave Daniel not just the interpretation, but the dream itself. I don’t think the song explains that, and I wish something in the movie did, because I think that detail is important. The giving of the dream itself I mean, not that all the wise men were to be killed. That I think was reasonably left out.

It’s very interesting to see the visuals to this song. That’s not something I’m used to, because for most of my child, this was on a cassette tape.

Hey kids, for those of you who don’t know, this is a cassette tape:


Hey, random question: Does anyone know what the wise men are supposed to be? Are they leaks? I’m not quite up to snuff on all my veggies, I’m afraid. I tend to like the more common ones like peas, carrots, and green beans. Most other veggies I’m not quite sure what they’re supposed to be.

The narrator explains that the wise men were jealous, because each of them wanted to be second in command. There is a sound that always sounded to me like a baby crying, and even as an adult I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be.

Anyway, the narrator explains that the wise men started immediately thinking of ways to get rid of Daniel.

There is apparently debate, in the comments, over whether this song came out in 1991, 1993, or 1996. Those years I would’ve been 2, 4, and 7, respectively. I can guarantee that I did not see this actual movie until I was 8, though I did receive the Veggietunes tape in 1995. I know for a certain fact the year was 1995. This movie, therefore, predates 1996, at the very least.

So, 1991 or 1993, then.

This episode really is a musical, in that the songs further the plot. They are good songs, but not just in themselves like in the Donut Repair Club, they also further the plot and don’t require the adult to turn their brain to mush listening to them. They also do not require copious amounts of alcohol, though I do enjoy drinking while watching, I don’t feel like it’s necessary to stomach the content.

Here are the lyrics:

Oh no! What we gonna do?
The king likes Daniel
More than me and you
Oh, no! What we gonna do?
We gotta get him out of here.

We could throw him in the dungeon
We could let him rot in jail
We could drag him to the ocean
Have him eaten by a whale


Me: Jonah reference?

We could throw him in the Tigris
Let him float a while
Then we’ll all sit back and watch him
Meet a hungry crocodile

We could put him on a camel’s back
And send him of to Ur
With a cowboy hat without a brim
A boot without a spur

We could give him jelly doughnuts
Take them all away
Or we could fill his ears with cheese balls
And his nostrils with sorbet

We could use him as a footstool
Or a table to play Scrabble on
Then tie him up and beat him up
And throw him out of Babylon


Or… (whispers)
I like it!


It’s sneaky!


And it just…
Wiseman #3:

We could use him as a footstool
Or a table to play Scrabble on
Then tie him up and beat him up
And throw him out of Babylon!



As a child, I thought some of their ideas of what to do with Daniel were…. kinda funny… but not really, and did not ultimately solve the problem. So what if they used him as a table to play scrabble on? I also misheard it as “fill his mouth with cheeseballs” and at the time, I thought that sounded great to me, I loved those cheesy puff ball things you get at the store, what do you call them.

I also heard “Fill his mouth with sardines” instead of “sorbet.” Frankly I think the site I got the lyrics from has it wrong here, because one of them sounds infinitely more disgusting than the other.

Someone who commented on YouTube said that they are scallions.

Someone also said this particular scene is creepy. I would argue that that is kind of the point. It’s creepy but, at least in my opinion, not too scary for the target audience. They are talking not specifically about killing Daniel, but throwing him out of Babylon.

Well, ok? I guess? I mean, most children, especially raised Christian, are going to know that being thrown in the lion’s den was a death sentence, but I can see the writers wanting to skirt the issue for now. Also, the target audience is Christian children, and Christian children would know that by  “getting rid of,” the wise men really meant “Kill Daniel.” And…. it never bothered us.

In any case, in the morning, the wise men present the king with an idea.

As they present the idea to the king, this segways into another song:


Well, it should’ve been on youtube but I’m having a really hard time finding it. Either it’s just not there, or I’m just really bad at technology. This song was on my VeggieTunes tape, so it should be on youtube. Anyway, I can’t find it, so here are the lyrics.


Wiseman #1: We’ve got some news, good King Darius
We fear your position is precarious
There are some people here in Babylon who won’t give you your due
They’d rather bow to other men
King Darius: Can this be so?

Wiseman #2: ‘Tis true!

King Darius: Oh, dear.

Wiseman #1: We’ve brought a solution of our own design
If you’ll just sight this paper on the dotted line.


It’s an edict stating most concisely what we’re all to do
We must bow our heads or bend our knees before no one but you.

King Darius: I see. Just one more time, now, let’s see if I’ve got this
A law to prove once and for all that I am great.
If I’m the king no one must doubt my full supremacy
So, from this day forth my citizens will pray to only me.

Yes! But what if they don’t?

Wiseman #1: If they don’t obey, any citizen
Will be thrown into the lion’s den.


King Darius: Oh! Yes. Well, I guess that would do it! Alright, then.
Good work, men. Tah tah!

Narrator: (Talking) So the law was passed, the deed was done
Daniel’s troubles had just begun


It says the narrator is talking at the end, but she’s really kind of singing. And I say she because it sounds like a female voice.

The Narrator states, for real talking this time, that everyone in Babylon heard about the new law, including Daniel.

I always wondered why, if Daniel didn’t agree with the law, he didn’t go into his closet instead of praying by the window. As an adult I understand a little better. Daniel was protesting the law. He wasn’t thinking of just himself, he was thinking of all the others that would be affected by it. Also, if it was his custom to pray by the window, and if he changed his custom, people might assume he had caved into the king’s law. Daniel was not merely challenging the king’s law, he was providing hope to others in the land by stating that he would not obey a law that he believed was wrong, a law that infringed on his right to worship as he pleased. (Not that I’m sure Babylon had those laws, but you know what I mean.)

Or at least, that was the explanation we were given in Bible class.

Narrator: He also thanked God for the courage to do what was right, even though he knew it could get him in trouble.

(Responding to narrator)

This is a very simple, yet adequate way to phrase it. Doing the right thing may not always be easy, and in my opinion, not always preferable. But if one is to be a Christian, one must always obey the right, and so this is a good lesson for them to learn. It’s probably a good lesson to learn in general.

I will say, though, that this is why we need separation of church and state. Because otherwise, laws like this could get passed. Someone who chooses to worship a different God besides the one the ruler of the land thinks they should worship could be put to death, and that would be horrifying. So this is a good reason why America has (theoretically at least) freedom of religion. So that laws like this hopefully never crop up.

I was raised with the belief that the freedom of religion laws were temporary at best, and yet… I’m 25, and still have the freedom to worship or not worship as I please.

And I am so, SO grateful, in a way I never was when I was a christian. It’s funny how I am more thankful for freedom of religion now that I have no religion. And now we risk going on a long tangent if I don’t return to the present task.

Well, the 3 wisemen (does it say in Daniel that there were 3 of them? I was under the impression there were a lot more than that. There were only 3 in the Christmas story.) catch Daniel

Daniel tries to make conversation on his way to the lion’s den: So, you guys are wise, huh? have you guys always been wise, or did you go to school for that?

As a wise man, this would probably have irritated me. As a kid I probably thought it was funny, but as an adult I would probably punch someone for that comment.

Larry(continuing): were you guys serious about that cheeseball thing? Hey I can see my house from here

I seriously doubt that, Daniel.

Wiseman 1: Daniel, because you have violated section bla bla bla of code bla bla bla of Babylon, you are hereby sentenced to be consumed by the lions. Goodbye.


        So we see that, years before the Esther episode came out, VeggieTales did not shy away from execution.  The writers do not go into grisly detail, they simply state what will happen to Daniel. And at no time do they ever show anyone getting eaten by the lion. Unless I’m unaware of it, children did not have nightmares over this. I’m going to go ahead and use this to prove that children are capable of much more than the writers of Esther give them credit for. They’re capable of understanding execution, and they do not need the grisly details, or any details, really, to understand what that means. And if they are given less details, they are not traumatized by it. In fact, they are more likely to be traumatized by the alternative. Also, the target audience of this movie is Christian Children. I feel like it can not be stated enough that Children growing up in Christian homes and culture will already know that certain characters are being threatened with death and or will die. These children read the bible, the bible contains horrible things, and you want to tell me that certain things, if shown on tv, will scare kids too much, yet you let them read the bible unsupervised? I’m not buying it.

There’s a joke by the wise men that Daniel is going to have a fun time, and they’re not “lyon” about it, ahahahahaaha.  As an adult, I roll my eyes. I have no idea how children feel because I only remember watching this movie once,  yet the songs I listened to a jillion times.

The wise men talk more about how the lions are totally gonna eat Daniel. I wonder if this ever scared any children? Probably not too badly, if it did. After all,  most Christian children are very familiar with the bible story. Even I was not scared by this episode.

Spoiler alert: at least we do not have to watch the lions eat the wise men later, or even start to eat them.

We see the Scallions through the reddish oppening of the hole in the lion’s den, which gives the scene an extra scary look. Then they roll a stone over the entrance, putting Larry/Daniel in total darkness.

Larry/Daniel: Oh it’s not so scary down here. A little musty, but not scary.

I wonder how total that darkness was? Have any of you been in total darkness? I have. It was in a dark room in photography class at GLAA. I had my watch, and I had to fight myself so hard NOT to turn on the indiglo because I just needed to see light. Any light. And yet, any light would have ruined our photos, so I could not. After a while, I hallucinated that there was light when there wasn’t any. Being in the dark, to some people, is scary. Especially absolute darkness where you can not see your hand in front of you and your eyes ache for just that little glimmer of light.

Then he hears lions growling.

This leads us into the next song, which I still can’t find on youtube, but it’s basically “fear not Daniel.”

Don’t cry Daniel

Fear not Daniel

Don’t you know you’re not alone?

There is one who is watching you

he listens when you pray

and though it seems this time you won’t get through

God has made a way.


Narrator: even though he still didn’t know what to expect, Daniel felt better when he remembered that God was taking care of him. Even in the Lion’s Den


 Daniel did a brave thing. Many aspire to be like him, to love Christ and openly worhsip him, despite persecution. It brings tomind people in foreign countries who suffer true persectution (by the which I mean, they are put to death, instead of privately laughed at.) Let us all take a moment to feel grateful that we live in a country that allows us freedom of religion (or lack thereof) and to ponder the true persecution people face overseas.


Narrator: Elsewhere in the kingdom, the wise men were congratulating themselves for being so clever. The king, however, was having second thoughts. He believed he’d lost a good friend in Daniel and that the only thing left to do was to pray to Daniel’s god would protect him

The Bible does say the King had a sleepless night, and did not partake of food or entertainment. It does not tell us why, so the narrator’s just guessing on that one.

Narrator: the next morning, everyone ran down to the lions den to see what was left of Daniel.

I love how they were just so blunt back then, about what the wisemen would have expected to happen to Daniel What happened? Why, now, in the Esther movie, did we have to have an Island of tickling? I can only shake my head and watch in horror.

The king talks about how hopeless it is; no one could survive a night with those lions.

Daniel calls out to the King, who excitedly peers into the hole. And now we come to the part my pastor disagreed with

DANIEL: oh yeah, I’ll be right up, I just have to say goodbye to my friends.

I guess there’s not a screenshot of this, but….. here’s the line the pastor had issues with

Daniel: See you guys later, thanks for the pizza!

Wise man: Pizza? They had pizza down there?

Me: godadmmit, now I’M craving pizza.

The pastor is upset that Daniel and his lion friends had a pizza party. I’m not sure why, I think he said something about it trivializing the bible story…. but honestly, even though the bible doesn’t SAY “pizza party,” it does say something like, God shut the lion’s mouths, and Daniel could pet them.  It doesn’t disagree with the spirit of the story, unlike that island of perpetual tickling. I don’t know, I think this is a very minor complaint, and hardly something to ban the show over.

I’d also wish to point out that most of the target audience will know that they didn’t really have pizza there. Except for me, I was a really dumb child. Most children know better.

King: It’s a miracle.


Then the king breaks into song and again I’m having issues finding it on youtube.

Surely your God is above all men

Now I understand

For even at the bottom of the lion’s den

you were in his hand


The king then decrees that he has a new law. Now, everyone will pray to Daniel’s God. It doesn’t spell out what will happen to people if they don’t, but it’s not hard to guess.

The wise men are now in trouble for trying to put Daniel in the lion’s den.

Wise man 1: I hear they’re looking for wise men down in Egypt. been fun, got to go now.

King Darius: where do you think you’re going! come back you scoundrels!

The scene ends with Daniel and King Darius chasing the 3 wise men.

Here is the biblical account of what really happened to the wise men

At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown into the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones.

I can see why the writers didn’t want to include this but don’t know if I agree. Obviously I wouldn’t want them to show the wise men (and especially not their families, shudder) getting eaten by the lions, but I don’t exactly think they need to. The narrator could just state that the wise men were thrown to the lions, just like Daniel. But it’s a minor detail, really, and I don’t mind overall because it is very possible the wise men did try to run away.

Oh, and any person out there who believes the God of the bible is loving, he killed their children. In that society, not even the wives could’ve stopped the wise men from doing what they did. Children, especially, are not responsible for what their parents choose to do.

I’ve tried not to be (too) antagonistic of Christianity in this blog, but seriously, who reads that and goes, yup, that’s the God *I* want to worship!

And then people wonder why, even when I did believe God existed, I didn’t want to worship him. Sheesh.

Anyway, back to Bob and Larry on the kitchen counter.

Bob tells Larry he did a very good job. Larry grins and tells Bob, “It was my finest hour.” And I’m not sure if he was talking about his acting skills, of it it’s a reference to the original quote Winston Churchill made when the Nazis were bombing England. Either one could fit, I guess, since, yanno, hiding out in subway tunnels while Nazis bomb you and sniveling in the lion’s den are totally the same thing.

Oh THIS is where I got the image of the computer from! Bob tells us we are all going to move over to QWERTY the computer. How original.

OH MY GOD look at how old it is!

And now, it’s time to talk about what we have learned. Bob (and I) hates this song. Larry loves it.

Bob talks about how God is bigger than anything, so we don’t have to be afraid of dying in plane crashes anything, and isn’t that nice? Bob then talks about how God protected Daniel from those big scary lions. Gee, wish he’d protected the children king Darius threw into the fuckin lion’s den! Because he’s totes ok with throwing small children to the lions because their parents are assholes, but he can’t allow Junior to be scared of Frankencelery.

Bob: Let’s see if QWERTY has a verse for us today.

Larry: Ok

Aw yea! That’s MY kind of bible!

Hey wait a second…. that doesn’t sound like a very good meat loaf…. the bread to meat ratio is way off, for one thing. Also, I hope that’s only half the recipe because that is a very bland meat loaf.

Bob chides the computer and makes it spit out a relevant bible verse: Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you.”

Ah, yes, I remember that verse. In Sabbath School class (which is exactly like Sunday School, except we have ours on Saturday so we call it “sabbath” school.) we had to memorize this verse King James style. Yes, when we were 10 or younger.

 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.


We literally had class sessions, even at the Christian Elementary school I attended, to go over the word “strengtheneth.” Kids today have it so easy.

Bob: So the next time you get scared, just remember that verse

Me: I’m sure the kids Darius threw into the lion’s den were remembering that verse too. Actually, it would be nice, if I still believed in God, to remember that verse on the plane….

Bob: (Continuing) And why don’t you pray tonight with your mom and dad before you go to sleep to thank Jesus for always looking out for you.

Ha! Right, Imma just call up my parents and be like, yo parents, guess what, I’m headin’ to Arizona tomorrow –surprise!– and I was wondering if you’d pray with me? Yeah, I know, target audience and all. My parents would still think I was weird. Actually, that would be their second reaction, their first would be, wait, Arizona,what?!

Bob: Well, that’s all for now. And remember, God made you special, and he loves you very much.

That’s a VeggieTales catch phrase, by the way. We kids repeated it to each other often as we imitated Bob’s voice. It’s actually not a bad message for Christian kids, so I won’t snark on it too much except to say…

[Imitates Bob’s voice] God made you special, and he loves you very much [/bob’s voice].