In Which I am…. Trying to retrace my steps

The other day my friend asked me how exactly I came to lose my faith. I’ve been going over old blog entries and… I can try, but I can’t put my finger on it.

I think part of it was realizing certain attitudes were harmful, and the other part was… frankly, “God” would tell me things, and then “god” would tell someone else the exact opposite.

And… I just couldn’t deal with that.

And then…. I read the bible. And all the contradictions just leaped right out at me. I could no longer force them to the back of my mind.

Understand, please, that I did not read the bible LOOKING for contradictions. They just… appeared.

I had a few blog posts planned out, but never got around to them because I have bad depression.

However, the depression has not been bad enough to prevent me from going about my life. I can go to work and (sort of) pay my bills. There’s not much room for extra, and I desperately need a ride to the grocery store, but at least I have money should I ever get there.

I’m totally tired, and toasted, and should go to bed.

All I know is that… I didn’t wake up one day and my faith was gone. That’s what most people I’ve talked to have said. With me it happened more gradually, and you could argue taht even now I still believe.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in a God…. but I can’t help sort of kind of believing in hell. It’s like, when a kid thinks there’s monsters under the bed… even though the child knows there are no monsters, the monsters are still THERE. It’s like that for me. I don’t believe in a God, but he’s still there, and angry.

And hell? Hell is there, too.

Help Me