In Which I Let It Go (or at least, try to.)

This post is for Callie. I think she got the wrong impression of why I sing this song, and I was too busy having a panic attack to explain it to her properly. But I’ve felt the need to blog about this for a while, I’m just using her as an excuse. So, here goes.

Back in like, November I think it was, I bugged one of my co workers until she finally agreed to meet up with me and watch Frozen. I loved the movie, and intend to blog about it at length later. For now, let’s talk about Let it Go, which deserves its own post.

 

At first, the writers were going to stick closer to the original fable by Hans Christian Anderson: The Snow Queen. You can read it here: http://hca.gilead.org.il/snow_que.html

Then they heard this song, let it go. And they started thinking: what if the Snow Queen wasn’t all evil? What if she did what she did because she was scared? Instead of making this a typical black and white children’s film, Disney decided to color this movie in shades of grey.

And indeed, except for Hans, and possibly the Duke of Weasel Town, I can’t think of a character meant to be portrayed as truly evil. And I think they changed Hans from being good to evil and forgot to work some of the story around it. But that’s another post.

I could type these lyrics from memory, but I’ll spare myself:

 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

 

The first time I heard this song, I didn’t know what it was about.I wasn’t completely sober the first time I saw this movie, so I missed a few things. I youtubed it later. And I can not tell you how many times since I’ve listened to it, tried to match my voice to Idina Menzel’s (and sound like a dying cow in the process, but whatevs) and I can not tell you how many times I’ve cried.

From the top: When I first left, I was alone. The storm inside me howled. I had told certain things to certain people, and they had then been revealed. Just like Elsa revealed her icy magic powers, I’d revealed my mental illness, my growing doubts about Christianity, and my sexual orientation. And then the secrets got out and…

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know

well now they know. That which I was terrified of them finding out (specifically Fred, asexuality/squishes, etc) got found out. Only candyland remained secret, because I hadn’t been THAT stupid, at least.

Now that they knew? Let it go. Just let it go. I can’t hold back anymore: I can’t hold back my

1. Doubts

2. hatred of certain aspects of their religion

3. sexual orientation and all the fears/adjusting that comes with that

4. Unfortunately mental illness (borderline personality disorder.)

can’t hold it back anymore

Truly, I cannot. And I’m going to give up trying.

Let it Go, let it Go, turn away and slam the door

I turned my back on campus, and I slammed the door. 

I don’t care, what they’re going to say

Turn my back on my “friends,” slam the door, never look back. Don’t worry about what they’re saying about me. Just Let It Go. 

Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

 

Let the storm around me rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway. When I was younger, I used to have super cold tolerance. Now I’ve lost a lot of it, so that part doesn’t really apply to me much anymore. What I take from it now is, their coldness never bothered me anyway. I’m not necessarily talking about all campus people here, as they are mostly the opposite of cold. But there are some people within campus, and a lot within Adventism, that are definitely cold and heartless.

it’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small

and the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all

Being away from campus… from Christianity in general…a lot of my fears just… vanished. Not all of them, unfortunately, but a lot. I am no longer afraid I’m useless to God. I am no longer afraid of what people will do if they find out; they either already know, or I’m not going to be stupid enough to tell them.

When we started going to the A2 church, I used to get so scared. It seems stupid to type it out, but I was scared I wouldn’t get alone time, that no one was going to let me take a nap, that the ladies were going to be mean to me again, that I’d spend the afternoon having anxiety attack after anxiety attack and bored as hell waiting for the boring choir practice to get done.

And I am no longer afraid of Jesus. I am no longer a Christian; he can only hurt me if I believe in him. You guys have no idea how scared I always was of Jesus. When I would contemplate the end times, I never cared about The Great Tribulation ™. I knew I could get through that with no problem. It was the moment when Jesus came that had me freakin’ TERRIFIED.

This fear no longer touches me.

The version of this song next interjects a few lines that aren’t in the official movie version. I include them here:

Up here in the cold thin air, I finally can breathe

I know I left a life behind but I’m too relieved to grieve

When I first left campus/ Christianity, this was true. Now, however, I’ve had some time, and grief is crashing in. I miss my old life. Sure it was cloistered, stifling, and I constantly felt like the walls were closing in on me, but at least I was safe. At least I had friends. If I’d only kept my damn mouth shut, I’d still have some of those friends.

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

 

It’s time to see what I can do. Adventism, growing up that way, took so much away from me. I had no idea about the majority of popular music and movies, though my parents let me watch/listen to some of it, there was always such controversy around it that it seemed like too much trouble. Once I left Adventism, I still stuck with Christianity (sort of, another topic…) which came with its own limits. Eventually I started to break Adventist limits, but not always Christian ones.

No more. It’s time to see what I can do. It’s time to learn how much alcohol is too much, and how much I can drink without destroying my liver. It’s time to see if, instead of saturday, maybe another day of rest (for I do find that a day of rest is necessary) would work better for me. And not keeping the day of rest like my parents did. To allow myself to watch tv, read secular books, go shopping. As long as I’m not working, it’s very relaxing. Find out what works for ME on a day of rest, and what doesn’t. Without any rules.

No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I am free. Indeed.

The next verse doesn’t have much meaning for me. I am not one with the wind and sky (I’ve always felt closer to the ground, actually.) and probably every single person who knows me has, on multiple occasions, seen me cry. I’m a bit of baby, actually, but no matter.

And one though crystallizes like an icy blast

I’m never going back, the past is in the past!

 

Don’t know what I can really elaborate on. It’s pretty clear, I think. And it’s definitely how I feel. Except instead of a tiara, I am throwing a glow in the dark star. Those of you who don’t know what that means… it’s too painful to explain it right now.

Let it go, let it go when I’ll rise like the break of dawn

let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone

Not sure if anybody EVER saw me as anything close to resembling a “perfect girl.” If they ever did, though, she’s gone. Insert real name here because not posting it on a public blog is dead. Who am I now? I’ll let you know when I do.

Here I stand in the light of day

No longer hiding in the dark behind my secrets. Or at least, not these particular ones.

The cold never bothered me anyway.

 

I sing this song because it makes me feel braver than I am. I sing this song to remind myself to Let it Go when the memories overwhelm me and I start to go into panic mode. I sing this song to remind myself that it’s ok to break the rules I grew up with. It’s ok to drink, pierce my ears, and go dancing.

I sing because I am Elsa. I may not have magic ice powers, but I have a heart of icy cold…ice. I am Elsa, and I am the Snow Queen.

 

Help Me

 

 

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