Roswell: The Outsider, by Melinda Metz Chapter 2

I’m going to try to get through the whole chapter today, but it is the holidays, so no guarantees.

The chapter opens with Liz being examined by completely incompetant paramedics. Liz and MAx look at each other, and when paramedics block their view, Liz acts as if it’s tragic. Also, we get this.

 Her [Liz] brain felt like it was humming, vibrating at a really low frequency. It was hard to think.

So, Max’s healing mojo makes her feel like she’s on drugs. Got it.

Liz tells the paramedics that she broke a bottle of ketchup. There’s blood under the ketchup, and a lot of it. Sorry, but I’m not buying that the ketchup would hide the blood. It’s not like they’re the same color or texture, and they smell different. Fortunately, the paramedic is an idiot, and tells her that smelling Liz is causing her to get the urge to eat french fries. She shines a light into Liz’s eyes and checks her pulse.

We get a bit of character development about Liz’s dad, who is freaking out about Liz possibly being shot. Apparently he’s so scared to lose Liz because her sister, Rosa, overdosed. He is terrified to lose Liz because she’s the only child he has left.

I’m going to chalk this up to Liz being an unreliable narrator. I don’t think her dad is worried because Liz is the only one he has left, I think he’s worried because he loves Liz.

Anyway, after only looking into her eyes and checking her pulse, not, oh, I dunno, making sure Liz doesn’t have a bullet in her anywhere, or getting out the stethoscope and listening to the actual heartbeat, the paramedic declares that Liz is fine. So the Paramedics just leave.

Mr. Ortecho gives Liz a hug “so tight her ribs hurt.” Which makes sense, but how does he not then get covered in the blood/ketchup combo? At the very least, the ketchup would cling to him and come off of her, revealing the bullet hole in Liz’s uniform.

Liz asks her dad not to tell her mother, and her dad basically laughs at her because Liz’s mother would take one look at them and know something was up.

Um, Roswell is a small town, the type where everyone knows everything about anybody. And Liz thinks they have a prayer of keeping this from her mother? And Liz’s dad thinks Liz’s mom won’t already know about it by the time they walk in the house?

I’m not buying it.

Liz is desperate to talk to Max, but he and Michael wisely pulled a disappearing act. Liz gets worried her story won’t hold up because…oh jeez, are the paramedics BLIND? How did they not see this?

The splatters of blood on the tile floor looked bright red and shiny slick –not tomato red and clumpy.

Oh my god, seriously? These paramedics need to be fired. It doesn’t take a forensic scientist to figure out that a blood stain on the floor is blood and not ketchup. Especially when you’re a paramedic and used to dealing with blood.

Liz decides she’d better mop the floor.

Now, it doesn’t surprise me that the paramedics got there before the police. I think they usually do. However, it does surprise me that the police didn’t appear on the scene shortly after the paramedics. Even in a larger city this would be the case, but this is a small town. Small town police don’t usually have anything like this to deal with, and they would be rushing to the scene, probably with way too many actual responding officers. The fact that the police here are taking their sweet ass time getting here is just not believable.

It is even less believable that they wouldn’t be pissed and suspicious that Liz tried to mop a crime scene. In fact, how has the area not already been roped off with police tape? How are they still in the restaurant?

And what happened to the two men who were fighting? Did they run away when the bullet hit Liz? Did they continue to fight? It seems like they just vanished from the story.

Before Maria can get Liz to the bathroom, sheriff Valenti shows up. The book does a better job at setting up Valenti as a villain than the movie. Even I hate him. The Valenti in the movies you could kinda sympathize with.  Here is the paragraph we get about Valenti as chief of police.

He did a locker search practically every week [at the high school]. He stopped anyone under 18 who was driving even one mile over the speed limit. He showed up at practically every party, checking to see if there was any underage drinking going on.

So, in other words, he is an asshole. But aside from that, this paints Valenti as someone who is a police officer in a small town who has nothing better to do than stop 16 year olds going 26 in a 25. (Which, btw, would get laughed out of court.) So, how the hell does he take so long to get to a real crime scene? As chief of police, he would’ve been notified right away. Tell me that his stupid locker searches were more important.

Anyway, Valenti questions Liz and her dad. Liz repeats the ketchup story, which, since she hasn’t had time to completely mop up the blood stains, shouldn’t hold. Actually, the fact that she is even mopping would trip the BS detector all cops seem to have. Even Liz admits that it’s weird.

Valenti asks questions in a calm voice, but Liz still feels intimidated. Liz wonders why. This takes a whole paragraph.

If she had to pick one word to describe Sheriff Valenti, it would be deliberate. She got the feeling that his every word and gesture were calculated. And if he was so careful about what he did and said, he must scrutinize every detail about other people.

Well, that last one is kind of what people are taught in police school. It might not actually be something Valenti was born with. In any case, we are supposed to believe that someone described as such wouldn’t call out her bullshit ketchup story right then and there?

The two describe in detail what the 2 men looked like. I can’t believe Valenti is taking the descriptions from Liz and Maria at the same time. I would think he would question them separately, to make sure their stories of the incident and the descriptions of the men matched up. Boy, if even I can figure this out, Valenti must be a dumb cop. How’d he get elected sheriff, again?

Valenti then asks where the bullet hole is. It almost feels like he shouldn’t be asking, like this should be done by a team of forensic scientists. Well, maybe he would ask the question, but the area should still be swarming with cops looking for a bullet hole based on Liz’s report of the incident.

Valenti doesn’t see a bullet hole in the wall. Liz says that maybe she just imagined the gun went off because she was so stressed. Valenti says that can happen, however, her father heard the gunshot too, so it definitely went off.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Liz said. “Do you mind if I go clean up? This ketchup is really sticky.”

I have no idea if this would really be allowed or not, but Valenti lets her go. Maria takes Liz to the bathroom. We get very clunky writing about how Liz thinks better with her hair out of her face. Which isn’t a bad characterization in and of itself, but it’s done so clunkily (is that even a word? It is now) that it’s…. ergh.

Maria knows right off the bat that Liz was lying to the sheriff, and I like this part. In the TV series it takes like, 2 episodes for Liz to open up to Maria, and that didn’t make any narrative sense. So I like the fact that Maria finds out right away, because she’d have to be an idiot not to.

Liz explains, and Maria believes it, because it makes more sense than the dumb ketchup story.

The smell of ketchup mixed with dying blood wafted up from Liz’s uniform. She felt a wave of nausea…

Hang on, the paramedic was up close to her, and she didn’t smell the blood? All she smelled was ketchup? This is getting more unbelievable by the second.

There’s a hole in Liz’s uniform where the bullet went through. Liz gets weirded out by the fact a bullet was in her body. I don’t blame her. Then Maria notices that the Liz has a silvery handprint on her stomach that’s glowing.

The perspective switches to Isabelle, who is really upset. You can tell because she’s organizing her makeup drawer, which always calms her down. Apparently the three can feel whenever one of their number uses their powers, which is another way the books differ from the TV series.

And they never use their powers, not even for fun. It’s a rule. In the TV series they used their powers all the time, out in public. I like the strict secrecy better, because it’s more likely to lead to their survival, but this part just rubs me the wrong way.

Max and Michael never used their powers for kicks. And whenever Isabelle did –which was a lot, because using her powers was fun–they both always chewed her out.

I don’t blame Isabelle. I’d at least like to be able to use my powers in private where no one could see me or something. Basically, Max can put all 3 of them in danger by using a huge power in public, but Isabelle can’t even levitate a book from across a room with the door closed and the window curtains shut?

Isabelle is bordering towards hysterical, because someone used a lot of power, like healing or dream walking. She’s not just hysterical because of the power use, but because she feals their emotions, and right now, she feels their terror.

The author goes on to do a bit of world building. Isabelle can feel the others’ feelings, but not read their minds. However, she just tunes them out most of the time, especially when Max is lusting over Liz. (My words, not hers.)

But trying to ignore their terror would be like trying to ignore a volcano.

Finally, Max and Michael come home, and Isabelle is ready to murder them. After going inside and being reassured that their parents aren’t home, Max tells Isabelle what happens, but not without Isabelle having to pry it out of him, which scares her because normally Max loves to take charge and boss Isabelle and Michael.

Finally, Michael puts it this way.

The saint used his powers to heal a gunshot wound –and he did it in front of witnesses.

Isabelle, rightly so, is furious. There’s a few paragraphs about how Isabelle is religious in her avoidance of Valenti (smart girl).

Isabelle then asks if anyone got a good look at Max, and Michael points out that it’s such a small town, witnesses will also be able to give names and addresses.

Isabelle rightfully assumes Valenti now knows about Max and Isabelle. Because if this investigation was happening in an even semi competent universe, he would know, not in 2 seconds, but at least in 2 days he’d know something was up.

Michael thinks they should flee, and frankly, I’m with him.

Then Max takes charge, and says Liz lied to the paramedics, so it’s totally cool, because the EMS and Police are totally incompetent in this universe. The Roswellverse.

Isabelle argues with Max, and she’s in the right.

Michael cuts off the argument by asking what he plans to tell Liz. When Max reveals he’s going to tell Liz the truth, the other 2 freak out. And I agree, if you want to reveal yourself to a girlfriend, wait till your adults and have an actual realistic chance of making it in the real world as a married couple.

Isabelle sees there’s no way to change Max’s mind, which is totally unfair, because Max is making a decision that impacts all of them. He shouldn’t get to do that without a vote, at least. She points out that Max barely knows Maria and Liz, and it’s not like they live in Disney land where everything is perfect.

Michael and Isabelle should take off in the jeep and leave Max behind to get himself killed over his girlfriend.

“You’re the one who made the rule, Max. You made us all swear we would never, tell anyone, remember?” Michael asked.

(Comma placement is hers, not mine, and it looks weird.)

So, basically, Michael gets to make the rules, but they don’t really apply to him. Right.

A car pulls up to the driveway. Who is it? Is it Sheriff Valenti, come to cart them off to a facility? Is it their parents home early from the office? We will find out in the next chapter.

Roswell: The Outsider, by Melinda Metz Chapter 1

The opening of the first book is fairly similar to the first scene of the episode 1 of the TV series. Liz Ortecho (not Parker. Odd, I wonder why they changed the name? Did they want her to be less overly Hispanic (or Latina?) in the TV series?) is working in The Crashdown Cafe, owned by her parents.

The text goes on to describe the food Liz gives them, and then informs us that the customers were obviously tourists. Well no shit! Roswell is (at least in the Roswell Universe of the movies) a small town. People in small towns to know each other, so anyone not a resident is usually a tourist.

Anyway, every tourist has at least one question about… the Roswell Incident (capitalization not mine).

The man in the Lost in Space T-shirt (hell yeah! I like this guy already) asks if Liz’s family is from Roswell, and upon hearing that they’ve been there for generations, he asks if any of her relatives told her stories about the UFO crash.

Liz pulls out a black and white photograph and shows them. “A friend of my grandmother’s took this picture of the crash site before the government cleaned it up.”

The 2 tourists are really gullible, and say it looks just like the alien from some sort of autopsy video they watched. They want a copy of it for their website. Liz snatches the photo away because if her “papa” catches her, he’ll be pissed.

I don’t actually blame Liz for doing this, because I work in food service, and it’s boring. You have to make the job interesting somehow, and if people are gullible enough to believe Liz’s photograph of “a baby doll that’s been left in the sun too long.”

Liz’s friend, Maria DeLuca,  chastises Liz, who says that the tourists will have a great story to tell at home, and she’ll get a good tip. Win win for everyone.

[quote] Maria sighed. “You and your great tips. I’ve never known such a money-hungry waitress.”[/quote]

This seriously almost had me throwing the book across the room, except that my poor kindle doesn’t deserve that. But if I had been reading the physical paper copy…

I mean, jeez, who knew that trying to get good tips as a waitress made you “money-hungry.” Nevermind the fact that it is freakin’ legal to pay waitresses less than half the current minimum wage and, oh yeah, most of them rely on tips to survive. Liz is in high school trying to save up for college. Of course she needs all the money she can get. But I’m getting ahead of myself. In this particular chapter, Maria and Liz banter for a while about how Liz

[quote]… not going to spend your life in a town that has only two movie theaters, one bowling alley, one lame-o comedy club, even more lame-o dance club, and thirteen alien theme tourist traps.”[/quote]

I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t either. Apparently Liz has been saying this multiple times a day since the 5th grade. Another interesting deviation from the movie, Liz has “5 thousand relatives” watching her all the time. In the movie, I don’t really remember her having any relatives besides her parents, and they definitely left out her older sister, Rosa.

Apparently Liz’s large family is pressuring her a little bit to actually go to college, and not end up like her sister, Rosa. I’m not sure when we’ll get told what this means, as I’ve only read ahead 3 chapters. I’m guessing Rosa did something totally “shameful” like get pregnant out of wedlock and have to drop out of college to raise the baby. Something which women are frequently frowned upon for doing.

Also, Maria has a ten year old brother in these books, whereas in the movie she is an only child.

Liz counts her money. She’s made $30 more for her “hasta la vista fund.”

And here’s where the writing gets especially bad.

[quote] ….the door swung open. Max Evans, tall and blonde, with killer baby blues, and Michael Geurin, dark and intense, ambled over the corner booth in the back. Both were students at Liz and Maria’s high school.[/quote]

Killer baby blues? When I first read that, I actually couldn’t figure out what that meant. Baby blue pants, baby blue shirt… a baby who was choking to death? I know some authors like to use common vernacular, but when they do I feel like they are just dating their work, and making it potentially a bit more difficult for future readers like yours truly who’s first thought when she hears “killer baby blues” are killer baby whales.

Also, this is Max Evans in the movie.

Yup. Killer baby blues and blonde hair. I don’t know why the change… maybe they think he looks better this way? I gave up trying to figure it out.

Maria bitches for a bit about how the cute guys and tourists always sit in Liz’s section, and she has to deal with those two older guys who are having some sort of fight.


Liz offers to give Maria Max and Michael’s table, but Maria just insists that something is up for Liz to give it up. Um, maybe you’ve just been whining and she wants to help you? I liked Maria’s character in the movie, but she is coming across as a bit whiny here.

Anyway, what’s up is that Liz is tired of guys. Apparently she went out on a date with Kyle Valenti, the sheriff’s son, and he’s pissed she wont’ go out with him again.

[quote] he actually got down on his knees and followed me down the hall with his tongue hanging out, begging. [/quote]

I’m sure the tongue hanging out part was exaggeration… but if he is following her around begging her to go out with him then, yes, that is totally creepy. It’s like some guys think they own a girl after the first date, god.

I actually dislike Kyle in the book. In the series I kind of sympathized with him because he has this girlfriend, and she keeps giving him the brush off to go hang out with Max.

Maria brings up Alex, who she and Liz have only been friends with for a year, but feel as if they’ve known him forever. Um, if you all grew up in the same small town, you would have known each other forever. Unless Alex moved in recently, they might not have been friends with him forever, but they would have known him.

Liz decides Alex doesn’t count, because he’s so cool he counts as one of the girls. Liz declares that she is going to “stay home, rent chick flicks, and take bubble baths.” Aside from the chick flick part, that actually sounds really fun.

The book then goes on to reassure us that not all guys Liz has dated have been losers like Kyle. After all, Kyle actually thought Liz would enjoy watching him play his video games. And he didn’t even give her a turn!

Apparently Liz can’t stop dating, because there will be some very unhappy boys at Ulysses F Olsen High… like Max Evans. Liz is apparently friends with Max, which is different from the tv series wherein they’d never really spoken to each other before.

Anyway, this is a lot of time to sit there and talk when they should be working and if I were their employer I wouldn’t be too happy. A small conversation between tables that lasts for 2-4 sentences is one thing. A whole conversation like this? I’d write them up.

What follows is the WORST way to do descriptions in a book ever.

[quote] “Oh, please.” Maria shot back at her “how could he not be interested? You look like some kind of Spanish princess or something with your long black hair and your amazing cheekbones. And let’s not talk about your skin. Do you even know the word zit? Plus yor’e smart and–” [/quote]

Because seriously, people actually talk that way in real life.

We get a lot of talk about how Maria is loyal, and it’s like Ms. Metz never got the concept of “show, don’t tell.”

Anyway, Michael gets tired of waiting for the girls to come around and comes up to the counter, asking for a job application. Liz privately thinks the Crash Down is too normal a job for Michael, who should be working as a Navy Seal or something… in High School? Liz, nobody has a fun job in High School. Almost every high schooler I knew of who worked did so in menial jobs that were boring.

Except for me, I worked in a new and used bookstore. It was a good thing my boss and I were friends, otherwise I would’ve been fired in the first week for constantly hiding out in a corner somewhere and sticking my nose in a book. There’s a reason I studiously avoid jobs at bookstores as an adult.

In any case, Liz hands him an application, but says there are no openings at this time. Which doesn’t surprise me, in such a small town, I’d think they’d only need seasonal help.

Michael  answers that he thinks they’re going to be having some openings real soon, unless Liz’s dad likes waitresses who stand around gossiping instead of waiting tables. OH SNAP. BURN. BUUUUURRRRRRRRN. BURN.

Maria finally picks up some menus and goes to wait on the boys.

There’s a paragraph about the exact shade of Max’s eyes… They look at each other. They look away. Was Maria right about Max liking Liz?

Liz has known Max since the third grade, and been her lab partner since sophomore year of high school. They never hung out outside of class…. yet earlier Liz describes him as “her buddy.” uh huh. More daydreaming about going out with Max.

Apparently Max sees the world in a totally different way, because, when they cloned the first sheep, instead of thinking about who he would like to clone, he wondered if the soul could be cloned, and what that meant.

Um…. Ms. Metz? Sorry, but, that way of thinking was not unique at the time. Because I remember when that happened, and even then it was a huge question in the media, in magazine articles, heck, even at the elementary school I went to. Max thinking this way does not make him unique and special in the least. It just places him in with Majority group #2 instead of Majority group #1.

Liz then thinks that spending time with Max definitely wasn’t boring, but how would she know if she’s never spent time with him outside of class? Because in class you don’t really get that much chance to spend time with people. Therefore, you can’t say they’re never boring, because you only see them in school which takes up only what, 1/3rd of an average child’s day?

More of Liz going on and on about Max…

And then FINALLY the story gets interesting. The two guys over in the corner start arguing loudly over money. We don’t get the exact details of the argument, and I don’t think it’s necessary, since it’s not in any way relevant to the plot.

Anyway, Liz turns to get her dad when Maria screams “He’s got a gun!”

Liz panics, and her panic causes temporary paralysis.

One man fires the gun. Unfortunately, he’s a really bad shot, and Liz is hit in the stomach. Liz fades out as Maria tries to staunch the bloodflow.

Then we shift to Max’s perspective. He springs up from the booth. Michael tries to stop him. They have an argument about how this is all a really bad idea and could put them all in jeopardy vs Liz’s life is in danger. Even the book admits Michael is right.

Look. A shot to the stomach is bad, but it’s not, in and of itself, fatal. A victim of such a wound does have a chance for survival if medical attention is sought right away. And from the speed at which the EMS personnel get there, it doesn’t sound like that will be an issue. Max should cool his jets, because even if Liz dies, it will be a lot quicker for her than what the government types will do to them if they are found out.

But Max decides it’s perfectly ok to risk Michael and Isabelle’s life, and he goes and heals Liz by shifting around molecules. I don’t know how scientific that actually is, but it’s not particularly relevant to the plot, so I’m going to suspend the disbelief a little bit. Kind of like tachyon pulses in Star Trek. It’s not an explanation that makes sense,but the author is trying and oh look a butterfly so…. whatever. Pass on that.

Off to the side, we get a bit about Liz’s father calling 911 and giving the cafes address to the paramedics. Erm, what? Even back in the late 80s/early 90s, and I believe this was filmed in the late 1990s, unless you were calling from a cell phone, EMS had your address immediately whenever you called. They had caller ID way before the rest of the world, for obvious reasons. I actually remember our gym teacher calling once, and having to explain that no address was popping up because he was calling on a cell phone, and this was in the early zeros.

Add to that, Roswell is a small town. Now, that might mean they share an EMS department with neighboring towns, BUT, Roswell is also a huge tourist location. I feel like the EMS and Police and such would already know the addresses of the major tourist places in the area, for obvious reasons.

My dad actually was an EMT in a small touristy town once, and not only did they know where every restaurant was, they knew the major tourist locations. So I feel like Liz’s dad giving the address is just a waste of time. At MOST he would have to confirm the address, maybe, but I can’t imagine someone repeating it, but saying “yes you’re correct.”

In any case, this gets Liz’s dad out of the way while Max heals Liz.

Oh, and in the books, apparently Max can see auras, and he can see that Liz’s is fading out fast. Really? I thought gunshot wounds to the stomach took forever to bleed out. But eh, why ruin drama with facts, amiright?

In any case, Max just kind of shoves Maria out of the way, and Maria doesn’t protest… yeah, that makes narrative sense. Just push the woman aside like a rag doll, and she totally won’t argue. we;iorwefijofsijo

There’s a paragraph about how Max loves Liz. At least, I think it’s a paragraph. The formatting is kind of messed up in the kindle book, but I’m going to attribute that to the fact that this book was a gift. I’m guessing that Ms. Metz’s formatting is perfect in the paperback version.

Liz’s father tries to get through, but Max is… sure taking his sweet ass time about healing her, God. We seriously get 2 or 3 paragraphs or so between the time he shoves Maria out of the way and the time he heals her, which seems to take forever because he must focus on Liz, on details of her life and… huh? I thought all he had to do was rearrange some molecules? Liz’s whole life flashes before his eyes. Then he’s connected.Now he can heal her. Oh my. Anyway, he nudges the molecules of the bullet into harmless particles, which dissolve in Liz’s bloodstream.

Yeah, a lead bullet dissolved into your bloodstream, tell me how that’s not dangerous? Liz is going to die of lead poisoning. Then Max moves Liz’s skin cells to heal her.

Max disconnects just as the ambulance crew comes through the door.

Liz wakes up, apparently not affected by blood loss. Seriously, they tell us she lost a lot of blood, and that all Max did was remove the bullet and sew her up, but they don’t show any signs of Liz being anemic from blood loss. How do the paramedics not pick up on this?

Max takes the ketchup bottle and smashes it, then dumps the contents over Liz’s uniform, telling her to say she broke the bottle when she fell. The paramedics come as Max backs away. Liz gives the Paramedics the story.

Liz tells the paramedics she’s ok, and the chapter ends.

In Which I Read The Roswell Books, by Melinda Metz

My friend D an I have been watching Roswell together, and he happens to have all the books. The first ten books were written before the TV series, and then there’s another set of books written during the series, then a set of ten books meant to take place after the series.

Now, first off, I really liked Roswell the TV series. I mean, I have my issues with it (I really hate Max, and I dislike the soap opera aspect) but aside from those, I still enjoy watching the show. Even if I do have to throw popcorn at the TV every time Max is on screen, constantly am yelling at Isabelle, and wishing that either Tess or Michael were the protagonists because they are way more interesting and frankly, the only ones in this series likely to actually survive to adulthood.

The books, however, that the series was based off are… um, well, the story has potential, but the writing, oh the writing! It’s just godawful. D and I are both having a hard time getting through them, and I’m the one allowed enough booze to theoretically cope with it. So, I’ll start at the beginning, soon as I’ve had my…. er, “breakfast.”

McGee and Me, Episode 3: The Not So Great Escape

The Bible verse for the day (in a much looser translation) is: Be ye not conformed to the world, and love not the things that are in the world. We get a cartoon image of McGee running toward fireworks as Nick’s voice over reads that the things of the world are evil and not safe. Also, they’re going to burn in the end, so you shouldn’t get too attached to them, or you’ll burn too.

There’s a small handful of verses that rant about how evil the world is, so I’m not sure which one specifically Nick is reading. He neglects to tell us.

McGee enters a casino, which even secular me thinks is a bad idea because everybody knows the house always wins.

Anyway, it gets weird when McGee eagerly enters a building, which then begins to start spinning really fast, then spits him out. A nearby man calls out “another satisfied customer.”

Sigh. I hardly think this illustrates the meaning of that bible verse. I think a better illustration would’ve been McGee losing all his money to the slot machines. Or, as is my fault, spending all your money on booze and winding up way too drunk.

Cut to Nikolas and Louis playing some kind of game involving an orange helmet and fake gun. They’re pretending to hunt aliens… it’s kinda boring.

Nick’s mother comes out and says to come in, it will be getting dark soon.

Nick(in his head) Getting Dark soon? Does my mom live in an alternate time zone?

And I actually agree, because it looks it like it couldn’t be any later than 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

The 2 boys go into Nick’s room and play around more, when Louis picks up a newspaper (because 12 year old boys totally read the newspaper) and notices an ad for Night of The Blood Freaks, part 4. Which sounds like an absolutely fascinating movie I’d love to watch. In case you didn’t pick up on it, that was sarcasm.

What the hell is a blood freak anyway? I feel like the folks at Focus on The Family just came up with the most gruesome title they could think of and ran with it.

I googled, and 90% of the results when I google “Night of the blood Freaks” are McGee and Me, BUT I did find this

There is *A* movie out there called “blood freaks” which was made in 1972. It appears to be about a giant turkey monster, and drugs are involved. I couldn’t really find out more than that and I didn’t care to. It only got 2 stars, and never had a sequel, so It’s up in the air whether or not the writers even knew of its existence.

Louis talks about how great the 3rd movie, Twilight of the Blood Freaks was. I feel like I could make a joke about the Twilight craze but that would require actual creativity on my part. I’ll just say this scene was prophetic, mmkay?

NIckolas, sadly, wasn’t allowed to see it.

I’m honestly not sure I’d let my 11-12 year old see a movie like that either… I’d have to go read the reviews first. And yes, they did have movie reviews in 1980 something. We found them in these things called “newspapers” and “magazines.”

Anyway, either this movie actually is appropriate for the demographic or parents just aren’t looking at what their kids watch, because everyone at school has already seen Dawn of the Blood Freaks, Day of the Blood Freaks, Twilight of the Blood freaks and now, as the shadows fall…. NIGHT of the Blood Freaks!

We are still getting absolutely no explanation of what exactly a blood freak is. Is it like a zombie? A vampire? A Zompire? No really, I feel like this is a very important detail. And last I checked, the parents in the target audience of the movie would’ve clutched their pearls over either of those options.

Nickolas has to ask his parents for permission to see the movie, and his mom says absolutely not. Which makes you wonder about the other parents. Don’t the other kids need their parents permission too? And aren’t other parents concerned? If so, why? If not, why? I feel like there needs to be more explanation.

His mom’s reasoning is “why would you want to see a gross movie like that anyway” which, seriously? He’s 12. 12 year olds, especially males, tend to like gross things and think they’re hilarious. I never understood it, even when I was in that age range, but to each hir own. His mom outright condemning it as “gross” before she even knows what it’s about is only going to make him more defensive, shows that she’s not listening to her child, and doesn’t really care about his personal preferences.

Nickolas’ dad comes in, and I actually think the mom should be saying this because the mom’s reaction is based on emotion (“it’s gross!”) and his dad’s is more logical, and I HATE that trope that “women are emotional and men are logical.” But it is FOTF, so what can you expect.

Nickolas’ dad’s first reaction is to ask what the movie is rated. Nick gets a blank look on his face. His sister, Sarah, tells them the title of the movie. His father then says, “absolutely not!”

We never do get an answer to what the movie is rated, and I feel like that’s very telling. It’s probably like, PG13 or something equally appropriate and Nick’s parents are just overreacting because the title isn’t something they’d pick.

Honestly, they’re only reasons for not letting Nick go seem to be “it’s gross” and “it has a stupid title.” I don’t dispute the last one, but those are not in and of themselves valid reasons. I’d respect it more if they sat down and discussed it with him, but that would mean TALKING to your children, and Dobson can’t have that because his approach is all about punishment.

Nick gets mad, his parents get upset… his parents tell him not to talk like that but honestly all he did was tell his sister to shut up, which was appropriate, she was being a pest. Then he ranted about how he couldn’t do anything and didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of old–

He gets cut off when his dad sends him to his room and grounds him. What? You don’t know that he was going to insult you. Maybe he was going to say “old fashioned.”

And really, there isn’t anything wrong with Nickolas expressing a little frustration here. I know Dobson believes children shouldn’t express their opinions like this, but honestly it’s healthy to let kids let off the pressure valve a little. Let them rant at you a little, and then go talk to them later when they’re calm. I mean, do you remember what it was like to be a kid, how you couldn’t express anything negative or it was disrespect and backtalk and all you wanted was to be heard? All Nick’s doing here is ranting about how he can’t do anything. If it were my kid I’d just kind of let them go on a bit and walk away when I got bored. Then I’d go back and we’d talk about it like 2 rational people. I feel like Nick’s parents are way overreacting here.

Why didn’t we find out what the movie was rated? And what the heck’s a blood freak? Why is McGee alive and how did it happen? Why is no one answering the important question?

Nick goes to his room, and McGee starts talking to him about how he’ll turn out dumb if he watches movies like that all the time. So, all those poor other Junior High students are going to turn into stupid people when they grow up? Uh huh.

McGee, as it turns out, is an (alleged) film critic. We then watch a cartoonized clip of McGee pretending to be a detective. Yawn.

Nick then tells McGee they made a remake of that movie. This clip is just the McGee detective shooting guns and throwing grenades, with no actual plot.

Nickolas has somehow been transported to the theater with McGee, and somehow the smoke from the explosion gets all over them. McGee asks Nick if that was really any fun. Because it’s totally fun to be suddenly covered in gunpowder.

Nope, in the next scene we see Nick in bed, totally clean.

McGee: You wanna watch that filth? Why not just stick your head in a garbage can?

Nick: Because then I’d have to room with you

Sigh. Right. Because watching a bad movie is TOTALLY the same as sticking your head in a garbage can. Totally.

Louis calls up Nick, and asks if he is ready to go. Hang on, I thought phones were a no no when grounded? What does grounded even mean, anyway, besides staying inside your house? The most I ever got grounded for was like, a day. I was totally like Cady’s dad in that movie Mean Girls when Cady goes out and he’s all like, “they can’t do that when they’re grounded?”

In any case, Louis gets the bright idea for Nick to sneak out. Since this is part 3 or 3, I’m guessing it doesn’t happen. Oh movie, please prove me wrong.

Nick rigs up a device to play back recordings if his parents knock. Then he goes downstairs. His mom is in the living room and his sister is on the phone. Nick whispers into a walky talky, which Sarah somehow doesn’t hear, which I don’t find believable because even if she’s on the phone, those 2 are being really really loud.

We get really long footage of Nick crawling around on the kitchen floor which… hang on, his wire recording device was attached to the door from the inside. How’d he get out without setting it off? He really should’ve climbed out a window.

Unfortunately they forgot about Whatever, and Nick almost gets caught. McGee distracts whatever just in time.

They get to the theater, and then they have to figure out how to get in if they’re not old enough. Old enough for what, Night of the Blood Freaks, or the theater itself? So, is this movie R rated, then? Anyway, they get in by pretending the guy in front of them is their dad, which actually works, even though the man does not respond to “dad” when they call out to him. He just walks on by them like he’s never seen them before and I’m all thinking, dude, just be cool about it and help them.

Nick’s mom knocks on his door. He says he’s drawing now, and to come back later.

Meanwhile, at the theater, Nickolas and Louis are wearing their cheasy 1990s 3d glasses with the blue and red plastic lenses eating popcorn. Nick looks scared at the screams emanating from the screen. No, we don’t actually get to see any of it ourselves. Louis also looks like he’s about to vomit, though much less so than Nickolas.

Unfortunately, Nick wasn’t smart enough to record more than one message on the same time, he just has it replaying over and over? Anyway, when he starts sounding like Mickey Mouse on helium, Nick’s mom opens the door and find, surprise, not Nickolas. His mom looks pissed, his big sister Sarah looks happy.

In the theater, Nick isn’t the only kid who looks like he wants to vomit. I get that we’re supposed to think they’re scared here, but those kids look like they have the flu.

Now, really. His parents should’ve just let him have gone to the theater, so that he could see for himself that this was junk. Then he would’ve admitted mom and dad were right (or they may turn out to be wrong, never know) AND no need for any guilt trips about “disobedience.” Or being grounded. Same result, zero trauma.

The movie ends, and Nick takes off his glasses. He shoots Louis an angry look and rubs his eyes. Maybe he’s one of those people who gets a headache during 3d films. There’s a few seconds there where I really think he is going to vomit, but then some cheesy song starts playing about how he thought this would be great but he’s a fool. As far as songs in this series go this one actually doesn’t sound too bad.

Instead of sneaking back in, he walks right in through the front door. Maroon.

The parents sit him down and give him a huge guilt trip about how the movie was dirty and polluted and Jesus wouldn’t want him watching it, because theoretically it pollutes the mind.

So, Nickolas is about 12… I see no reason he can’t make the call about those movies himself, at that age? Oh right, parents need the shelter their children in plastic bubbles till they’re 18 or worse, until they’re married.

His mother then goes on about how he’s got scenes in his mind he’ll never erase. He’ll have them with him for the rest of his life!1!!!111!!!!11!1

Yanno, if the movie hadn’t scared him as much as he did, and if there wasn’t this big to do about all the guilt over it, maybe he WOULD forget them. Heck, maybe he’ll forget them anyway. I used to have nightmares about movies all the time, and except that one VeggieTales episode, I can’t remember scenes from any of them. And I know there was more than one.

I bet if you’d just let Nick make the call himself, he might’ve forgot all about it and went, “huh, that was a really bad movie” and gotten on with his life. Because at the age of 12, that’s about what I did. Especially with movies I wasn’t allowed to watch, some of which, like Harry Potter, were actually excellent movies but that’s another rant for another time.

Also, what kid WANTS to watch a movie wherein a kid’s parents are punishing him? It was just uncomfortable and squirmy to watch when I was a child as it is now that I’m an adult, especially since I think Nick’s parents are sorta being absolute pricks here.

I mean, have his parents ever once given him an explanation for why the movie is wrong? all they will say is that it’s “garbage.” What do they mean by that? Well, they don’t tell us and, honestly, within Christianity, with every denomination of Christianity, there is a huge variance over the definition of “mental garbage.” Half the Adventist church would condemn anything fiction as mental garbage, and the other half embraced science fiction, fantasy and, gasp, romance novels. So the definition of mental garbage, as I was growing up, depended on exactly who you talked to.

I could insert an Ellen White quote about what she said on the subject, but I have a feeling that would qualify as “getting off the subject.”

I hope Nick grows up to become an atheist and later finds all the prequels to Night of the Blood Freaks to see if they were as bad as the one he saw.

Speaking of which, we sat with Nick through that whole movie and never even found out what a blood freak was.

They send him to his room, punishment TBD.

The next day, while doing extra chores, Nick decides his parents are right all along, and that he’s going to be much more careful with what he puts into his mind.

So, does this mean he’s not going to go see Midnight with The Blood Freaks, Part 5 that’s coming out next year? Or with the theme would it be more like Dawn of the Bloodfreaks 2: The Next Day (the story continues!)

VeggieTales: The Little Drummer Boy

I actually wanted to do The Toy That Saved Christmas, since I used to love that movie as a kid, but I can’t justify renting it on Amazon when I just asked J if I could rent The Giver yesterday (spoiler alert: The book is better), Musn’t get greedy, especially since I’m toying with the idea of asking to watch Maze Runner.

So, we’re going to be watching: The Little Drummer boy!

I’ll let you all in on a little secret: I’m a sucker for Christmas. All aspects of it. Sure I don’t believe the bible is real, but I mean, Harry Potter isn’t real either, and I still enjoyed it. The bible does have some good stories, and the story of Jesus’ birth is one of the better ones. I mean, it’s a cool concept: a god sending his son to die for fallen humanity. Of course, you kinda have to squint a little to forget that the person god is saving us from is… himself.

So, before I get started on my usual Christmas rants, I want to make one thing very clear: I love Christmas. I also have no problem with people using the holiday to celebrate Jesus’ birth. What I do have a problem with is… well, actually, let’s not get into that right now. Let’s just let things unfold as they go, shall we?

Good. That little disclaimer out the way, let’s begin.

The scene opens with Pa Grape reading a newspaper while listening to (a secular) Christmas song. Junior Asparagus comes downstairs and starts practicing his drums by banging 2 sticks on the staircase. Mr. And Mrs. Asparagus come downstairs and call out, “ok Pa, we’re all set.”

Hang on, do they call him “Pa” because that is his name/title in the community, or is the grape supposed to be Junior Asparagus’ actual grandfather?

Can Vegetables even intermarry with fruit? How would…. you know what, never mind.

Junior’s dad actually calls Pa grape “Grandpa,” so yes, Pa Grape is Junior’s…

You know what, never mind.

Junior’s parents say they’re thinking of getting him a real drum set for Christmas, because he’s such a natural. Grandpa tells them to get him the kind that don’t make noise, and I decide I like grandpa because oh my GOD I don’t know what I would do if my child look up the drums. Make him go practice in the barn or something.

Junior’s friends come by to pick him up for caroling. Junior is too busy drumming to hear, and they leave. Their opinion of Junior’s drumming is that it sounds like “a really bad kitty.”

Junior is sad his friends “totally ditched me.” Junior insists this is on purpose, even though he KNEW they were coming and should’ve kept his ears open for the doorbell.

Pa Grape decides to read him a story to keep him occupied. I hate it when this happens. Couldn’t they have just skipped all this and started it out like it was a real story? I HATE “stories within a story” by having the character tell a story. It’s reason #2 I HATED the princes bride.

Anyway, the drummer boy, played by Junior (of course) is a shepherd boy named Aaron. He is being given presents by his parents… wait, why? Is it his birthday? Because this story is about the birth of Jesus, and I’m pretty sure Christmas wasn’t around back then. I mean, it wasn’t around really till hundreds of years after the bible was even written, but I feel like it is an especially awful error to have someone celebrate christmas before Jesus was even born.

Anyway, Aaron gets a drum set for… a present. He’s over the moon about it.

Aaron’s drum playing makes the animals dance. Cue footage of dancing camel.

Sadly, the Romans wanted Aaron’s parents’ land, so they… burned it to a crisp. Aaron hid with the animals, but the parents died.

There were a hundred different ways to die back then without needing to introduce a villain, but no, we need one, so, um let’s throw in some ROMANS. Anyway, this convinces Aaron that he hates people. ALL people.

We get an interruption where Pa Grape goes up to get some food. It’s boring and unnecessary, and now I want fruitcake.

Pa Grape reads about the census that Mary and Joseph were participating in. This particular census (which records show occurred in the spring, btw) was unusual in that the government made people travel to the place where they were born, but only the men, because I’m sure women didn’t count. Otherwise, Mary wouldn’t have been able to be with Joseph.

Which is good, because anyone who forces me to go back to the place I was born is likely to wind up with their head chopped off. Me? Go back to Berrien Springs, a town full of Seventh Day Adventists? Over your dead body, bitches.

Ahem. Anyway, Pa Grape adds in a disclaimer that the little drummer boy isn’t found in the bible, but was inspired by the Christmas story.

A quick google search reveals that not much is known about the history of the tale. The tune is said to be Czech in origin, but even that is debated.

We get two goons jabbering about milk, honey, and chocolate milk. There’s more goons, and they appear to be a traveling circus trying to cash in on the census traveling. Along comes Aaron and his dancing animals, so they put on a little show for him. Insert song and dance number. The song is about how Aaron should join this traveling circus. The Gourd tells Aaron he can’t be alone, he needs money to eat. Ben Haramed, the leader, promises Aaron that if he makes a lot of money, he can be so rich he never has to deal with people again.

So Aaron and his dancing animals joined the traveling circus.

Cut back to Junior Asparagus and Pa Grape talking about how Haramed tricked Aaron into joining which… doesn’t sound like a trick to me? It sounds like Haramed actually used… logic? Unless he doesn’t plan on paying Aaron but so far we have no implications of that, except that Pa Grape tells us this.

Oh, and there’s some talk about how taxes means “paying money to the Romans, who, btw, totally killed Aaron’s parents.” Sigh. No, taxes is NOT just “giving money to the government.” Taxes are there for a REASON. In those days, the Romans used the taxes to build roads and highways, and I THINK for sanitation but don’t quote me on that last one. Taxes are money which is paid for a SERVICE, like road maintenance. Sure the Roman tax at the time was really heavy and tax collector was synonymous with “thief,” but I feel like this could be explained in 2 sentences, and it wouldn’t make taxes sound like this horrible even thing that only bad guys do.

I know there are Christians out there who really believe that, but VeggieTales is meant to appeal to a mainstream audience. You know, the audience that reads the bible verse that says “render unto Ceasar that which is Ceasar’s,” aka, “pay your damn taxes.”

Anyway, back to the story, the Gourd is telling bad jokes (what do you get when you cross a Roman with a head of lettuce? Ceasar salad! what do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. Does anybody get that last one, cuz I don’t. And a better answer to the first would be “romaine lettuce.”)

We get some heavy handed preaching about how Aaron has not forgiven and forgotten what happened to his parents. I don’t think he should, but of course this movie thinks otherwise.

The traveling circus sets up shop in busy Jerusalem. No one likes the show until Aaron comes out with his dancing animals. There’s a Star Wars reference as Bernie, the Gourd with the terrible jokes, is having slushies thrown at him. “Help me Ben Haramed, you’re my only hope.”

Ben Haramed has a long argument with Aaron about how he never smiles or laughs. Aaron comes across like a petulant child who is being asked to smile for a picture and is just being rather stubborn about the whole thing. I NEVER SMILE. I DON’T LAUGH. EVER. I DON’T EVER SMILE OR LAUGH, EVER.

Aaron and the animals do a song and dance. Aaron sings about how he only smiles for his friends, the animals.

The lyrics aren’t anything to write home about but the song is catchy, and I can listen to it without booze. So, props, guys.

The audience multiplies in size and begs for an encore.

Aaron gets pissed that they’re happy and he’s not. He starts shouting, and the audience starts getting angry. God, Aaron, ruin everything. You need that money. Don’t go on and on about how you don’t need money, or anything from anybody, when you’ve made your home in the desert, which is not known for its farmable land. How are you going to EAT without money, grah?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled movie for Silly Songs with Larry, always my favorite part of the show.

This song is “8 Poilsh Foods of Christmas,” Which is about a guy named Oscar (likely the Oscar from the I love My Lips song) bringing food to a party.

The 8 Polish Foods of Christmas
Bob: So, what did you bring us?

Oscar: What I bring you? I tell you what I bring you.
The first Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
A boiled potato topped with dillweed.
The second Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
Two steamed pierogies...

Jimmy: What's a pierogi?
Oscar: It's a dough, wrapped around meat.
Jimmy: Oh...

All: And a boiled potato topped with dillweed.

Oscar: The third Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
Three simmered gwumpkies...
Larry: What's a gwumpkey?
Oscar: It's a cabbage wrapped around meat.
Larry:  Oh..

Jimmy: Two steamed pierogies.
All: And a boiled potato topped with dillweed.

Oscar: The fourth Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party
Four baked paprikas...
Archibald: Now, what is a paprika?
Oscar: It's a bell pepper stuffed with meat.
Archibald: I see.

Larry: Three Simmered gwumpkies,
Jimmy: Two steamed pierogis,
All: And a boiled potato topped with dillweed.

Oscar: The fifth Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
Five smoked kielbasas!
Pa: What's a kielbasa?
Oscar: It's pretty much just meat.
Pa: Oh.

Archibald: Four baked paprikas,
Larry: Three simmered gwumpkies,
Jimmy: Two steamed pierogis,
All: And a boiled potato topped with dillweed.

Oscar: The sixth Polish Cristmas dish I bring to the party,
Six fried chruscikis.
Bob: Let me guess, something in the meat family?
Oscar: Actually, it's a delightful pastry with a thin flaky crust.
All: Ohhhhh!
Pa: Five smoked kielbasas!
Archibald: Four baked paprikas,
Larry: Three simmered gwumpkies,
Jimmy: Two steamed pierogis,
All: And a boiled potato topped
with dill weed.

Bob: Wow Oscar, I'm gettin' kinda full, I think that's about..

Oscar: The seventh Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
Seven pitted prunes...
Jr: I don't like prunes!
Oscar: With this food, you'll need 'em son.
Archie: Oh, is that right!
Pa: Uh huh!

Bob: Six fried chruscikis,
Pa: Five smoked kielbasas!
Archibald: Four baked paprikas,
Larry: Three simmered gwumpkies,
Jimmy: Two steamed pierogis,
All: And a boiled potato topped
with dill weed.

Pa;  I'm gunna bust!  I couldn't eat another bi...

Oscar: The eighth Polish Christmas dish I bring to the party,
Eight poppy seed cakes,
Larry: Poppies, poppies, poppies...

Archibald: I'm feeling rather sleepy. There's no place like home.
Jr: Seven pitted prunes,
Bob: Six fried chruscikis,
Pa: Five smoked kielbasas!
Arcibald: Four baked paprikas,
Larry: Three simmered gwumpkis,
Jimmy: Two steamed pierogis,
All: And a boiled potato topped with dillweed!

That does not sound like enough food to feed a crowd. At all.

Back to the story, the traveling circus has fled into the desert, and Aaron is still with him, despite his stupidity. Haramed wants to know what’s wrong with him. Claims Aaron owes him for the money he lost from his outburst.

and then the traveling circus meets ups tin the 3 wise men. The wise men were following the star. You know, the one that appeared over Jesus and guided the wiremen to the place of his birth.

Ellen White, the Adventist Prophet, writes in The Desire of Ages that actually, it wasn’t really a star. It was really an angel up in the sky guiding them, but the wise men saw it as a star because that’s what they understood. Which would mean the bible isn’t infallible, because the bible says “star.” I get the feeling this is why Seventh Day Adventists like to leave out this detail when telling the Christmas story; it would either undermine Ellen White’s status as prophetess, or the authority of the bible. And they can’t have either one of those now, can they?

Lest anybody attempt to call Shenanigans and tell me I’m wrong, here it is, in her own words. From The Desire of Ages, Page 60. Which may or may not actually BE page 60 of whatever copy you happen to pick up. It’s in Chapter 6:

The wise men had seen a mysterious light in the heavens upon that night when the glory of God flooded the hills of Bethlehem. As the light faded, a luminous star appeared, and lingered in the sky. It was not a fixed star nor a planet, and the phenomenon excited the keenest interest. That star was a distant company of shining angels, but of this the wise men were ignorant. Yet they were impressed that the star was of special import to them. They consulted priests and philosophers, and searched the scrolls of the ancient records. The prophecy of Balaam had declared, “There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Scepter shall rise out of Israel.” Num. 24:17. Could this strange star have been sent as a harbinger of the Promised One? The magi had welcomed the light of heaven-sent truth; now it was shed upon them in brighter rays. Through dreams they were instructed to go in search of the newborn Prince.

I mean, shoot, if what she says is true, even the old testament contradicts the new one because it was predicted a STAR would appear, not a company of angels pretending to be a star.

Yes, Adventists take the bible literally, so you should not listen to them try to retcon as they tell you the bible was written by ignorant men who couldn’t tell the difference between an angel and a star AND in the next breath, say that God, a divine being who never makes a mistake, inspired every word of scripture.

So, that is your interesting tidbit of the day about Seventh Day Adventist culture.

Anyway, turns out the 3 not-so-wise men are happy to welcome the traveling circus to their little party.

Wait, what? Aaron and Haramed don’t notice the star, because of their sins of unforgiveness and greed, respectively. Remember, kids: forgiving and forgetting that people KILLED YOUR PARENTS is a SIN and you will go to HAY-ELL if you don not forGIVE them.

The concept of Christian forgiveness is quite screwed up, but that’s another rant altogether. Moving along.

The bible doesn’t mention the names of the Magi, but apparently there is a tradition that does…. wait what, really? *googles* Well, that’s interesting. I’m not sure why Christianity set the number of wise men at 3, or where these names came from, but they are: Caspar/Gaspar (the Veggie Version has gone with Gaspar, for obvious reasons), Melchior, and… not Cuke Skywalker. Sorry Larry, you don’t get to pretend to be a Jedi. This is not Star Wars, though a movie called The First Christmas: Star Wars Style,  WOULD be very interesting. I feel like Larry is on to to something here.  The real name of the 3rd is Balthazar.

Huh. You learn something new every day.

Haramed makes a deal with the Magi, selling off Aaron’s camel while Berny distracts Aaron.

Aaron is understandably upset, and goes off after Joshua and the Magi.

Aaron watches the Shepherds gather around while the angels tell them of Jesus’ birth, and then sing praises to him. Except we don’t get to see the angels. Only blobs of light where they would be.

This is a CLOSE UP of the angels. Seriously.

Following the shepherds, Aaron and his animal friends find Joshua, but then a Roman in a chariot runs over Baba, the little lamb. Aaron, of course, is upset, and goes to the Magi for help. The Magi are conveniently in the stable, worshipping the baby Jesus.

Melchior tells Aaron he’s a Magi, not a doctor, but the baby can help. Aaron doesn’t get it, and neither do I, since I’m unaware of Jesus using any healing powers before he hit the age of 30, but setting that aside for a good story, Aaron tells Melchior he doesn’t have a gift.

He’s worried about not having a gift for a “King” that is born in a stable. I’m not sure how they managed to convince Aaron he was a king, because even back then, kings were NOT born in stables.

Aaron goes up to the manger, and then sings the song The Little Drummer Boy. I’m sure we all know it, so I’ll avoid posting lyrics.

Playing the song with drums filled Aaron’s heart with joy an drove, and e forgave the people who hurt his parents…

I feel like something is missing here… playing a song for a baby king and then having the king smile at him healed him… yeeeeaaaaahhhh sorry not buying it. Maybe there was something in the original story that I am missing? Which came first, the song or the story? I think the song, based on googling, but I could be wrong. So I feel like the story could’ve been easily edited to make more gorram sense.

Why oh WHY is the fullscreen button literally right next to the “skip ahead to the end of the movie” button? Seriously, who’s dumbass idea was that?!

Anyway, after Aaron plays his song, someone comes up to him and –OH SNAP! His parents SURVIVED! They thought Aaron died in the fire, and he thought they died… finally, an ending I actually LIKE. Yes, I’m a sucker for sappy Christmas movies. Sue me.

Oh, and in case you were worrying about the lamb, don’t worry, his parents take care of it.

Aaron thought the newborn king was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen which, SNORT, have you ever SEEN a newborn? they’re not cute. Or remotely beautiful. They’re wrinkled and red and ugly. They don’t get cute for another few days or a week. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who has SUCKER tattooed on her forehead when it comes to babies and children.

Junior’s caroling friends then come to call at his house which sounds weird but whatever. I guess they decided to carol on his street.

They then have a 2 minute talk about the misunderstanding at the beginning of the movie. Love and forgiveness all around…. yawn, go back to the Christmas carols and the reunited parents and son.

The end credit music, unsurprisingly, is The Little Drummer Boy. And since I’m a sucker for Christmas music, and this song is very well done, I listened to it 3 times.

In reading the reviews on Amazon, I’m not the only one disappointed with the resolution of the story. Other people also felt it was too rushed and forced. There is nothing in here about why Jesus coming as a baby should change Aaron’s life. It’s just sort of a magical thing that happens when he sees what should be an ordinary newborn. (The bible says Jesus was not ugly that we should despise him, yet not beautiful that we should love him for his beauty. It therefore stands to reason that Jesus would’ve looked like a typical human newborn: pretty darn ugly.)

I’m also surprised there was no comparison between Jesus forgiving us for our sins and Aaron forgiving the Romans for theres. I would have found it extremely problematic so I’m almost kind of glad, but it would’ve fit right in with the Christian narrative, and would’ve at least made the story make sense, because otherwise there is literally no explanation for why seeing a baby suddenly changes Aaron’s life. I feel like you could have still had the story: Aaron angry, then finds his parents, happy ending, and left the whole story of Jesus out, and not lost anything from the story.

And that’s…. no ok, because, Jesus’ birth is sort of supposed to be the point of the story, not Aaron’s whiny childish angst.

I think the movie is ok, but it falls so short at the end. I just… feel this movie is lacking.

McGee and Me Episode 2: Star In The Breaking

Apologies for errors. The issues with my keyboard have still  not been resolved.

“When you are invited to a wedding feast, don’t sit in the seat of honor. What if someone who is more distinguished than you has also been invited?

Luke 14:8

This is the verse Nikolas reads at the beginning of the episode, though in a much looser translation. McGee and his cartoon friends all fight over the seat at the head of the table. An old lady clonks McGee over the head with her purse. Go lady! McGee then forcibly removes her from the chair. The host of the feast then brings in a man and tells the man he wants him to sit at the head of the table, so poor McGee has to go take the least desirable seat, with cobwebs. I don’t feel sorry for him, because forcibly removing old ladies from chairs isn’t cool.

Nikolas then explains that every Monday after school his family gathers around the tv for “quality entertainment” which basically is… something that looks really stupid. On the tv a kid gets hit in the face with a pie. I get the feeling Nick’s comment about quality entertainment was supposed to be sarcastic. At least, I hope, or I will seriously wonder what Focus on the Family officials were smoking back in the day.

Boring shots of under the couch, the crack in the door, then under the couch again.

Back to Nickolas and his sisters. Nickolas finds “the slime slide” hilarious. His older sister isn’t even watching, she’s reading what looks like the newspaper.  At the mention of “slime slide,” she looks up and says, “gross.” I like this character already.

McGee scares Whatever, who jumps up and walks across the living room, making a better door than a window, I’m sure.

Anyway, this appears to be one of those shows that actually lets real live kids be a part of it. The host announces the kids who’ve won the opportunity to be on the show, and guess what, one of them is Nikolas. Even the older sister is excited that he gets to be on tv, even though I would be rolling my eyes, embarrassed to have a family member be on such a ridiculous show.

In the next scene, NIkolas’ family is eating dinner. BIg Sister (did they ever tell us her name? I honestly can’t remember) asks him what he’s going to wear. Because all teenage girls are overly concerned with clothes. Really.

McGee asks Nikolas what his share of the profits are, and Nikolas answers out loud, “nothing.” His poor sister wonders why he wants to go on TV in the nude, while grandma says that sort of thing is frowned upon in children’s movies.

This is the movie’s attempt at humor, and it sort of works. It definitely establishes that the rest of Nick’s family can’t hear McGee, but they can hear Nikolas talking to him. Which, ok, that’s bizarre, but we’ll go with it.

Nick’s mom gets a call about a job interview, and afterward she behaves more like someone who got a date, but whatevs.

The next day at school, Nick’s much younger sister and him are walking down the halls toge–

Wait, what? Last episode we were told Nick went to “Junior High.” Nick’s sister can not possibly be much older than the age of 5, MAYBE I’ll give 7, but she has the high squeaky voice of a 5 year old. Since when did they let 5 and 7 year olds into Junior High? In fact, most Junior High schools aren’t even in the same BUILDING as the elementary school. I only know of one school who tried to integrate the 2 into the same building, but they made darn sure to keep the little kids very separated from the big kids. And it didn’t end up working anyway, because parents got upset.

So I have a hard time believing NIck and his younger sister would be meeting in the hallways at school.

Right after Nick promises to help Little Whatshername (I seriously need to make myself a cheat sheet with names) draw a wombat, 3 girls come up and ask him if he got to school in his limo, and telling him he’s a big star and they can’t wait to see him on TV, bla bla bla…

Nickolas decides there are advantages to being a star, like being with pretty girls, and goes after them. I love the multicolored sweater one of the girls is wearing. Heather is very clearly having a crush on Nick, but I doubt that’ll ever become a main plot point.

Though I wish it would. Heather is not what ye typical Jr High student would think of as pretty. She’s got long brown hair that’s got flyaway strands, she’s not thin, and she’s wearing a plain striped shirt. I would love to see the main character get with the “plain” girl for once.

Even though we were told last episode that Nick is in Jr High, it sounds like he’s going to be in one classroom for the whole day… I think the writers just like to forget what they wrote last episode. That’s going to be obnoxious.

The principal actually interrupts a teacher in the middle of a lecture to congratulate NIckolas on his TV appearance. The teacher wasn’t the best teacher, but still, that was highly rude of him. I actually sympathize with the teacher for being annoyed.

We then get treated to a dream Nickolas has of walking the red carpet. The only problem I have with this scene (besides it being kinda stupid) is  the fact that it occurs in cartoon world. That’s not the problem, the problem is that it’s in cartoon world, and Nicholas is not cartoonified, for lack of a better word. As such, it just comes across as bad video editing.

Snerk…. he’s doing the princess wave….

That morning at breakfast, Nickolas tries to order Sarah, his big sister, around. At first it makes sense, because Sarah’s right next to the milk, no reason she can’t hand it to him. Then he asks her to get the sugar, which she does. then he gets after her for not bringing him his spoon. Sarah flicks sugar in his face and says, “get it yourself, I’m not your slave!” Then grabs her books and stomps out the door. I like this girl.

Nick then proceeds to act like a jerk to his friends. I hate it when kids get big head syndrome from stuff like this. It’s so cliched and overdone.

In the next scene, grandma is talking to Nick’s mom, Elizabeth. Apparently the people who were going to give her a job just wanted her to answer phones. Well duh, she’s a woman, of course that’s all they want her for.

It’s unclear exactly what job Elizabeth was applying for. She said she wanted to “offer her services to help those people,” whatever that means. I get the impression that even the people at FotF can’t imagine a woman with kids doing an actual career.

McGee and Nick have a fight. They throw things at each other. Yawn.

Jamie is laying on the floor trying to draw a wombat. like Nick, I have no idea what a wombat looks like, but thank you google.

I’m not sure what the rules are about taking pictures from google and posting them here, so I won’t do it. And Yeah, I wouldn’t know how to draw that either. Cute little bugger, though.

Frustrated, Jamie goes up to her brother’s room. She hears the noises on the other side of the door…so wait, she can hear the noises of McGee’s helicopter and fake guns, but she couldn’t hear him talk at breakfast?

I would REALLY like a solid explanation of whether other people can hear McGee or not, because the screenwriters seem to have decided that the answer is “whatever is convenient to the plot.”

Jamie then enters Nick’s room without knocking, which would piss me off, actually. I’ve literally told people, “do that again and KNOCK this time.” It usually works, and after that I’m quite happy to talk to them. So I don’t blame Nick for not being thrilled at being caught hiding under his bed wearing his football helmet because his sister walked in on him playing with his imaginary friend.

Jamie asks Nick if he will help her. He replies that he doesn’t have time for that stuff, because the show’s tomorrow, and a wombat is a dumb choice anyway.

Hold on… we were told at the beginning of the episode that it was Monday, that Nick would be on the show on Saturday, and it’s only been 2 days. By my count, it should now be Wed. I don’t blame the writers for wanting to skip the week in between, but I wish they’d make it more apparent that they were doing a time skip, or have Nickolas be watching the show on Thursday instead of Monday.

And yeah, I kinda was wondering about why Jamie would choose a wombat as her favorite animal, but I still don’t think it’s dumb, and Nick’s comment was unnecessarily cruel.

Jamie is hurt by Nick’s unkind comments, and goes away sadly. McGee throws a paper ball at him. Nick tells McGee he’s still not going on the show with him. That’s apparently what their big fight was about. I thought other people couldn’t see McGee anyway? So what would it matter if Nick took or didn’t take him?

Consistency people, even in a kid’s show, IT MATTERS. I say this as someone in the target market range of this video who sat there and picked out all the plot holes and inconsistencies in tv shows before she was even old enough to read, so I can’t be the only one who’s noticing this.

Nick puts on his best suit on Saturday morning, and for a minute I feel like I’m watching an Adventist tv show. His sketchbook lies on the floor as he walks out the door. Like, literally, we get a closeup of the red cover. Seriously, who takes their sketchbook to a tv show? I enjoy writing, but sometimes I don’t want to mess around with carrying a notebook everywhere I go. Nick wasn’t told to bring it.

Shots of Nick walking into the studio being awed by everything around him.A song saying, “you’re a big shot, you’re a super star!” plays in the background as Nick is taken to hair and makeup, where he’s given a pair of goggles and I notice he is no longer wearing a suit.

Wow. The show is actually called “Trash TV.” I’m sure parents will get the joke, as some in the FotF crowd thing all television is trash anyway, and I’ve literally heard the term “trash TV” thrown about in a casual conversation. Or it’s because the show is really stupid and LOOKS like trash.

Amy and Nick are the only 2 contestants, and are wearing what look like Karate suits. Nick’s family stands in the wings to cheer him on. This strikes me as the most realistic aspect of the show, because a child must have an onset guardian at all times. In fact, it’s quite possible Joe’s real mother is around somewhere. (Joe=actor who plays Nick).

The object of the game show, apparently, is to trash your opponent as much as possible and rack up points, and whoever wins the most points is the grand prize winner. I like this show less and less.

I predict Amy is going to win it, because Nick must be humbled.

Predictably, I’m right. It’s rather boring and painful to watch. And disgusting. Lots of closeups of kids in the audience pointing and laughing. Like, LOTS of closeups. More than necessary in my opinion, and it goes on for way too long. Amy is the winner, and is congratulated as Nick walks off the stage as a bible verse about being humble repeats. Yawn.

Also, hey wait a minute… The host of the show said he chose Nick specifically because he could draw really well…. and then the show has nothing to do with his drawing abilities whatsoever? I feel like, since it was specifically mentioned, it should’ve been relevant to the plot. Especially with Jamie trying to draw a wombat and needing Nick’s help, it seems like really clunky foreshadowing that went absolutely nowhere.

McGee comes along to pat Nick’s shoulder and have a talk with him.

The next day at school the kids aren’t so nice to him anymore.

Elizabeth took the job at the counseling center answering phones. She said Nick’s not the only one who’s been learning humility.

Erm, what? Elizabeth applied for a job as a counselor at a counseling center, and was offered the position of, it sounds like secretary. That, to me, doesn’t sound like a lesson in humility, it sounds like a lesson in how sexist our society is. She’s a woman, so all she’s good for is answering phones. And Elizabeth, like a good little woman, finally bows down and accepts this. Never mind that she probably went to school for this and is just as qualified as the (no doubt) male counselors.

This side plot just… doesn’t seem like a lesson in humility AT ALL. Sure the Nick plot was overdone and cliched, but at least it demonstrated “pride goeth before a fall.” The Elizabeth side plot demonstrates…. blatant sexism in the workplace?

McGee makes a lame joke, and Nick threatens to slam the sketchbook shut. So, apparently McGee lives in the sketchbook? So, he can become flat whenever he wants? And do we ever get an explanation of why and how McGee came to life? Is he really there, or is he only in Nick’s imagination? Since he was able to physically hurt Nick by throwing nuts and crumpled papers at him, I have serious doubts he is only in Nick’s head.

And yet, no one else seems to be able to see of hear McGee, soooo I don’t know. I only know that NOBODY thought this through.

Oh, and I learned this tidbit from the wiki: Whatever’s real name is Poundcake. I think they should’ve just gone with that for the show, because isn’t it easier to use a dog’s real name? And Poundcake is an original enough name without changing it.

I looked up the actor, Joe’s, age. He’s 12 at the time of filming, so definitely would be in Junior High, especially since Junior High used to start at 6th grade, in some places.

Now THIS is interesting. Apparently the actor playing Sarah’s real name is…. Sarah. And she’s Joe’s IRL big sister. Neither one of them have done much acting since McGee and Me, which is kinda too bad because they both seem like decent actors. I guess this show kinda killed their career… Gee, I can’t think WHY.

The Big Damn Mcgee and Me Rewatch, Episode 1 “The Big Lie.”

I’m going to try and eventually work my way through all the episodes ever, but only if I can find them on the internet. So for now. we’re going to do episode one.

For those that don’t know, McGee and Me was a television show that aired in the late 1980s/early1990s era, give or take a few years. It featured a boy (of course, cuz girls never go on adventures) who drew this cartoon character who then came to life.

It’s written and produced by Focus on the Family, which at some point was run by Dr. James Dobson, a man who proudly writes in his book about he beat up his dachshund to prove he was a manly man in charge of the house. FotF is seen as pretty mainstream by some, but by others, heavily conservative and dangerous.

So, let’s begin.

It starts, as usual, with a theme song, during which a boy draws a cartoon, which then comes to life.

Look! I’m alive!
Whoa! I gotta lay off the crack!

The real episode begins with Nick (the boy who draws) opening the bible and reading a (very liberal translation) verse about how lying is bad, and the same thing as hitting someone with an axe.

We are then treated to a cartoon version of McGee getting hit in the head with an axe. Don’t worry, his head regrows.

Except for McGee, none of the characters are cartoons, so it looks a little odd.

Nick explains that he’s just moved into his grandma’s house, and he has to start all over again with new friends and a new school. God I know that feeling, multiple times over.

Nick has an older sister who is sporting a side ponytail. Oh, 90s fashions…

SNORT. Their dog’s name is… Whatever? No, I had to go re-listen to it, but that’s seriously the dog’s name: Whatever. Nick’s father is mad because the dog stole toast off his plate. The older sister insists her dad needs to loosen up about Whatever, but I kind of agree that it’s annoying when dogs steal your food. I also think that the man shouldn’t have put the food in a place where the dog could reach it if he didn’t want Whatever to have it.

I am so going to name a dog or a cat Whatever. That is just an AWESOME name for a pet.

There’s another girl in the family, a younger sister with beautiful golden curls.

The family, except for Nick, scatters.

There’s some loud coughing from the cereal box, with pieces flying out. Out pops McGee which, ew. If someone, cartoon character or not, had been coughing in my cereal, I’d smack him, hard, because ew, gross.

McGee doesn’t answer Nick’s “What are you doing?” Question.

Nick reminds McGee that the last time he gave him advice, it didn’t turn out so well.

We get to see Nick’s first day of school, where he gets in trouble for cutting class because he couldn’t find his homeroom (seriously, does this ever happen? I thought teachers gave new students leeway, at least, mine always did.), drops all his food at lunch as the girls laugh, and then gets caught with a can of spray paint at recess because someone throws it at him.

Then Nick has the misfortune to run into some older boys, who bully him out of some money, or at least try to. Just as he’s going to beat up Nick, another boy comes up and manages to convince Derek, the bully, not to beat up Nick, saying that Derek usually goes for bigger guys, and beating up this little boy would sully his reputation.

Derek and his gang of bullies walk away, and Nick thanks Louis. Louis is a person of color, and I like that. What I don’t like is when he tells Nick not to cut through a certain person’s yard because “that guy’s a crazy old Indian who eats live animals.”

Sigh. So much for no racism. “Crazy old man” is one thing, “crazy old Indian man” is another. And may I remind people that an adult wrote these words, not the child who is speaking them?

Louis tells Nick that anything, human or animal, that goes through there doesn’t come out a live.

McGee then starts talking to Nick, and they have a conversation about whether or not Nick should go. McGee argues that this is Nick’s chance to make an impression, and Nick shoots back “didn’t you hear what he just said!?”

All the while, Louis is standing RIGHT THERE. Which begs the question: do people besides Nick not hear McGee? Do they also not hear Nick when he talks to McGee? Because Louis is standing there right within earshot, and should really be wondering why Nick is talking to himself. And, possibly, where the other voice is coming from.

I could accept that no one else can hear McGee, and I could even stretch it to no one hearing Nick talk to McGee. But I feel like there needs to be an explanation. Come on, throw me a tachyon pulse, some unobtanium, something.

Nick cuts across the old guy’s yard as Louis screams after him to come back. Nickolas stupidly climbs onto the cellar door to peek in the window. The boards are rotted and he falls in, as Louis is still screaming for him to get out of there. Like he can now, dumbass, he’s TRAPPED. For some reason there is an owl in the barn. You know those Indians, amiright? They totally keep owls as pets in their basements.

Anyway, the old man gets up out of his rocking chair and goes down to the cellar. Nick screams and runs past him, and I can’t see very well because it’s dark, but I think for some reason the old man is holding a live rabbit.

He runs into Louis on his way out of the house, “just to say hi.” I do kinda like this kid’s sense of humor.

The next day, as Nicholas comes out of his house, he finds a group of Louis and his friends waiting for him. They are all very impressed that Nickolas had the guts to go into the old guy’s house. They start asking Nick a lot of questions. Nick tries to set the record straight, but then gives up and plays along. After all, it’s hugely helping his street cred.  The Indian man was big, like a monster, and eating a live rabbit.

As we all know, this is how rumors get started in Middle School.

Derek and his gang get wind of it, and they corner Nicholas.

Derek: I don’t believe it! What kind of  a fool do you take me for?

Nicholas: I don’t know, how many kinds are there?

I actually do like his comeback here.

At home, Nick’s grandma talks about how someone broke into George Rivers’ place and scared him real bad. He’s got arthritis so bad he can barely walk, but he gets up to take care of all those injured animals. Grandma goes on to say he’s the sweetest man you’d ever want to meet.

Looks like I misjudged someone…

We switch over to McGee in cartoon world. I guess McGee has his own little cartoon world? McGee and his friends are playing baseball. McGee hits a home run, and the ball crashes in someone’s window. At least 5 police cars immediately come around the corner with their lights squealing. Soldiers surround them on all sides and point guns at them.  McGee’s eyes turn red as he  hurriedly thrusts the bat into the hands of a younger boy. The big fat police officer hauls the  younger boy off in chains. The boy looks out the window with tears streaming down his eyes.

It’s all very over dramatic and stupid, and even as a kid I would’ve rolled my eyes so hard they’d rattle around in my skull. But watching it in school probably got me out of math class or something, so whatever.

Back on planet Real World (and I admit, except for Cartoon World, most of what’s been happening in this episode is very realistic and I could see happening.), Nick’s dad comes in to talk. Nick has some handy little remote that opens the door for him. Not entirely sure how he rigged that up. Tachyon pulses, I guess. Nick’s dad tries to talk to him, but Nick doesn’t answer. Finally he asks Nick whatsup.

Seriously, I want a show where the mother goes to have a talk with the son. But there’s more than one episode in the series so maybe that’s coming up.

Nick kinda sorta tells his father what’s going on. His dad reminds him “the truth will find him out,” which is actually a direct biblical quote. We get treated to a lecture on who all gets hurt when a lie is told about someone. It hurts the teller of the lie, the person about whom the lie is told, and of course, we hurt Jesus when we lie.

I was subjected to that line of reasoning A LOT growing up. A whole stinking pile of dung-guilt which wasn’t necessary, because Jesus doesn’t exist. And also, seriously, every little sin we do, no matter how small, hurts God immensely? Wouldn’t God be in intense pain all the time? Oh but wait, the good things we do make him happy, so he’s also in perpetual joy? So, God is simultaneously in never ending agony and perpetual joy? My room mate and I actually had a talk about that once, but it hurt our brains too much to think about, so we did the same thing we always did with our questions/doubts/things that made no gorram sense: shut up and stuff ’em up where we couldn’t remember ’em.

In any case, I have a huge problem that most, if not any, thing we do affects god in any way. Maybe if I was to go murder someone it would make sense, but a little lie told to middle school students to up a kid’s street cred? Come on. They were afraid of him anyway.

In the next scene, we see Nicholas drawing, looking totally stoned.

There’s a cheesy song about lying playing in the background as we are next shown Derek’s gang getting together after dark by a chain link fence. And then we’re shown Mr. River’s windows windows being broken via rocks. Quite honestly, it would’ve come to this anyway. Kids have always been afraid of Mr. Rivers, so  it would be extremely surprising to me if this were really the first time some dumb kids had vandalized his house.

At the end of the song, we’re shown what Nicholas has been drawing.

Derek didn’t bother keeping what he did quiet, because the next day everyone at school is talking about it. Nick’s family must have moved to a small town, because I don’t remember shit spreading this fast in the bigger schools I’ve been to.

Nicholas is just finishing up with music class when Louis comes up and tells Nicholas he’s going to miss all the action. Derek and his Dorks are going to put the finishing touches on… what Louis says sounds like “old cheese.” and “it should be good.” Then he runs away.

McGee puts on a superhero costume and struts around. He tells Nick it’s time to fix his mistake. “But they’ll kill me!” Nick exclaims.

Given what the bullies have been known to do, I don’t blame him for thinking this. Those boys could really hurt Nick.

McGee convinces Nick to do something,

Cheesy music plays in the background as we are shown footage of Nick running to the scene as Derek and “his dorks” vandalize Mr. Rivers’ porch, setting his animals free, breaking things… again, if kids were always this scared of him and hated him, I’d be extremely surprised if this was the first time this happened.

I’d also be shocked if they decided to listen to Nick when he tired to tell them things got blown out of proportion. Which, I’d like to point out that, even if Nick hadn’t lied, it probably would’ve gotten spread around the school like wildfire and blown our of proportion anyway, because that is how small towns work.

But no, it’s all Nick’s fault for going along with it.

Which, probably he does have some responsibility, but at the same time, once these things get started, even if you don’t lie, there’s really no stopping it.

The song wines about how love never lies. Has focus on the family ever thought about lies such as “no that dress doesn’t make you look fat at all?” Ok, some lies SAVE lives, and are told in love.

When McGee finally, after an eternity, reaches the front porch, the boys scatter, calling him “squid.” Mr. Rivers looks at him.

No words pass between them, but Nick goes home and cries about it afterward. I think this is unfair, I don’t think it’s all Nick’s fault. I mean, sure his actions kind of instigated it, but honestly, if it hadn’t been him, it’d have been someone else. And even if no one else had done what Nick did, Derek and his “dorks” sound like the type who would eventually do it anyway.

In any case, the next morning, Nick is shown cleaning Mr. Rivers’ front porch. Louis comes up.

Louis: You didn’t see anything you said you did, did you

Nick: No. I didn’t really see anything.

This, strictly speaking, is not true. He saw animals that were stuffed, which creeped him out, he saw a live owl, and he saw Mr. Rivers holding a live rabbit.

This, then, is the big lie, but of course, the movie wants us to conveniently forget the first act.

Louis tells Nick it was fun while it lasted, then leaves. McGee sits in a water dish for the raccoon talking about how great it is to be helping out, “yesirree bob.”

Nick doesn’t think he can face Mr. Rivers after what he did to him which, oh my god seriously? It’s NOT Nick’s fault Derek and his “dorks” vandalized Mr. Rivers’ house. Even if Nick had told the truth, it still would’ve spread all over the school all embellished, and in any case, I’d be really surprised if they weren’t going to eventually do it on a dare anyway. But Nick has to beat himself up for it because he is a Good Christian ™.

Mr. Rivers comes out and smiles at Nick, telling him he should start on the cellar steps next.

Nicholas laughs as the raccoon licks McGee, who thinks he’s being eaten and screams like a girl.

Aaaaaaand that’s it. The end credits roll.

I don’t dislike Nick, at least, not yet. I also don’t think what happened is entirely his fault. I feel like there could’ve been a better storyline for the whole “lying is bad” thing. And I know we saw glimpses of it, but I really wish we’d seen more of Mr. Rivers being nice to… well, we don’t really get to see much of him at all. So I would’ve liked to see, instead of grandma telling us Mr. Rivers is the nicest person you could ever meet, I wish we’d been shown that Mr. Rivers is (or at least, can be) a really nice person.

And I wish they hadn’t gone with the whole stereotypical “Native Americans are close to nature hence all the injured animals” thing.

I’ll wait and see more episodes before I judge, but so far I dislike the writing, but the characters and storyline are somewhat believable. Nick also never came across as self righteous and stuck up. In fact, he seemed kinda like a normal kid who struggles with… well, whatever it is kids his age struggle with. And that’s refreshing. I don’t (yet) hate the protagonist in a Christian movie.

And now I’m going to go take some NyQuil and call it a night.

VeggieTales: Larry Boy and the Fib From Outer Space, Part 2 (conclusion)

We left off with a much bigger Fib telling Junior how he has a special gift for lying. I’m sorry, but that lie he just told was RIDICULOUS. Even in VeggieTales land, no one owns a pet crocodile.

Meanwhile, Larry Boy disagrees with Alfred that anything from Space landed in Bumblyburg. Larry complains about being tired and hungry and having to go to the bathroom.

Ladies and Gentlemen, our town’s ONLY protector. He gives up and quits when he has to go to the bathroom and his suit is on too tight. 

Laura, Lennie, and Percy Pea find Junior and confront him about the lies. They keep yelling at him “lies, lies, it was ALL A LIE!1!!!!!!1!1!!1!!” And they’re all dramatic and stuff and…. yawn.

Junior tells them all it was space aliens, which, since Laura was THERE, she should know better. Even if Junior hadn’t ripped off the plot of Invasion of the Cow Snatchers, which Percy happened to have seen in theaters yesterday. Ooops. Don’t get your lies from movies, kids, unless they’re 50 years out of date and you’re talking to someone under 50. 

As Junior tells this really uneblievabe lie that only someone with a brain the size of a… er, pea, would believe, Fib grows and grows until….

Hi, Junior!

Fib picks up Junior, saying not to worry, a little fib couldn’t hurt anybody. He then proceeds to go about destroying the town, Junior in hand. Fib even crushes the police man’s car. Apparently that was the only policeman in town, as Larry Boy is called to the scene isntead of other police officers.

So Glad I don’t live in Bumblyburg. They really are bumbling!

Larry boy and Alfred are playing Candyland. HAHAHAHA I remember that game. Larry Boy’s been stuck in the molasses swamp for 38 turns. I think mom and I eventually made it a rule that you could only be stuck there for 3 turns max, just to keep the game from getting too boring. Larry Boy turns around to look out the window, sees the town in Chaos, and dramatically tells Alfred the game is….. Postponed.

Cut to shot of Fib and Junior. 

Junior: Fib! Why are you doing this to me! I thought you were my friend!

Fib: That’s the thing about Fibs, Junior, we grow.

But that still didn’t answer Junior’s question. Why is Fib doing this to him? Why would Fib go through all that to get bigger just to…. eat Junior? Stomp around the whole town and destroy it? He knows that it’s not going to be that hard to take him down if he’s that obvious.

Really, this would make more sense if he was a sewer mutant than something from Outer Space.

Along comes Larry Boy, to not save the day.

Fib climbs the water tower with Junior in hand, saying, “let’s see if your little poy-pul friend can help you up here!”

Yes, he really did say “poy-pul” instead of purple.

Larry Boy tells Alfred he can’t get through to the water tower because there’s a road block. Yet there is PLENTY of road space for Larry to get up to speed for takeoff. We are then shown footage of the road, and there is no roadblock. That road is clear all the way through.

The policeman continues to stand there watching, not doing anything.

Alfred tells Larry that the monster is a lie, which makes no gorram sense except to the people who’ve been watching the TV show, but I’d think Larry would need more information. What do you mean the monster is a lie? Do you mean it doesn’t really exist? Do you mean it lies? What does that mean, exactly?

It turns out that Alfred, in addition to being Larry Boy’s assistant, likes to Tinker in his spare time, and this is how the Larry Mobile can fly, which is something Larry just found out. Alfred also likes to dabble in Nuclear Medicine and physics. Can Alfred be the superhero, please? He’s smarter and more likeable than Larry.

In any case, Larry Boy flies up to the Fib’s head, then ejects himself from the Larry Mobile. I don’t know what his plan was, but it’s obvious that Fib is just going to use his hand and snatch him out of the air.

When you consider that no one in Bumblyburg has hands, I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that Larry Boy couldn’t have seen that one coming 10 miles away, and why would he abandon the Larry Mobile, anyway? Does it have auto pilot landing features? Is it now going ot crash into some innocent person? What exactly does Larry plan to do anyway?

Turns out there was no plan, apparently. Larry is told that he can’t stop the lie.

Larry Boy: Alfred! Why didn’t you tell me that before I jumped on him!”

Alfred: Because my computer hadn’t figured it out yet.

Sigh. I had such high hopes for you Alfred, but you can’t let a computer do all your thinking for you.

Fib: Even a little lie can get big really fast. And a big lie can just swallow you up.And Junior, you made a really big lie, huh huh huh.

You know, as children growing up in Christian school we had this pounded into our skulls, that a small lie would only grow over time and get bigger and bigger. Except that then I grew up and found out that…. it doesn’t. I mean, sure, some lies can, if you’re stupid enough to tell them about other people who can counterract them. But if you tell someone something like, “That dress makes you look reeeeeeaaaaal skinny” or “no, I totally put the air conditioning at a temperature you find acceptable” or “Yes, I totally read my bible this morning.” Oddly enough, those lies don’t come back to haunt you. Even when I cranked the air conditioning up to Absolute Brrrr and told everyone it was only on 72, they believed me.

Amazing how none of my lies swallowed me whole or even made me feel like that in the metaphorical sense. I guess I’ve been lied to growing up, haven’t I?

Fib debates over whether or now he will eat Junior or Larry Boy first, and this is the only thing that causes me to think it was a good idea for Larry Boy to jump on Fib, because it’s going to buy Junior some time while Alfred figures out how to reboot his computer.

Because seriously, just as Alfred is about to figure out who can stop the lie, the cord gets unplugged. Sigh.

Fib decides Larry Boy looks like candy, so he’ll eat him first, Larry Boy tries to protest that it’s spandex and quite bitter which, seriously? If he was a real hero, he’d be urging Fib to eat him first instead of Junior, which could buy Junior some time while Alfred figures out how to save him. But no, our Cowardly Hero is literally going into the creature’s mouth and being sucked on, protesting the whole way.

Fib’s mouth opens

Ladies, Gentlemen, and everyone in between, THIS isn’t scary at all, nope, good clean fun for the whole family.

Alfred screams for a full minute before bothering to check what’s wrong with the computer. He plugs the cord in and screams:

Alfred: Boot you transistorized tormentor! Boooooooooot!

Which, haha, can’t you totally picture Doctor Smith from Lost in Space saying that to The Robot?

Fib is just about to bite down on Larry Boy (Seriously, who puts food in their mouth and then sucks on it without biting down first? Larry Boy should be dead by now) when Alfred informs him that Junior can stop the lie.

Junior overhears, takes a deep breath, and yells, “It was me! I did it! I broke the plate.”

Fib shrinks one size, making no real attempt to stop Junior, which is odd. Also odd is that Fib doesn’t shrink in proportion to how he grew. He shrinks little by little, but he last 2 time he grew it was very fast.

As Junior tells the truths about all the lies he’s told, Fib shrinks and then… disappears? We never see his oversized cold virus body again.

Aaaaaaand Junior and Larry Boy are stuck on top of the water Tower. Larry Boy uses a super suction ear to put Junior on the ground.

Junior apologizes to his parents, who aren’t made, because Junior is more important than the plate, and he’s been punished enough, because SCARY MONSTER TRIED TO FUCKIN EAT HIM.

Junior’s parents tell him they value his honesty… bla bla bla, it’s a very touchy feely moment.

The closing scene of the movie is late at night, when another oversized cold virus, a pink one this time, bounces into the street like a bouncy ball. Fade to black.

Bob and Larry, of course, have to talk about what they’ve learned today. Larry uses his plungers to keep Bob from turning off the end theme song, which strikes me as cruel, because no one should be forced to listen to their least favorite song. (I always leave the room or stuff my fingers in my ears when people start singing Jesus Loves Me, for example. Worst. Song. Ever.)
Bob and Larry check in with QWERTY to see if he has a verse for us. QWERTY spits on John 8:32b, the truth shall set you free.
Sigh. Even –I– know the context of that one.

If you read John chapter 8, you’ll know that Jesus is referred to as the truth, and he is supposed to set us free. Truth in this context isn’t really supposed to be about lies vs truth, it’s more like… Jesus is truth, because BYE-BULL says so. And Jesus has come to set you free.

Bob: You see, the only way to be free is to do what God wants us to do

Me: SNORT! That just made me a slave, dumbass.

Bob: And God wants us to always tell the truth. And facing your parents is a lot less painful than getting caught in a big lie!

Maybe some parents really are like this. Other parents… I’d rather tell lies to. Even as an adult, it is necessary for me to lie to my parents. Even though I’m too old to be punished, I’m not too old for them to cut me out of their lives. And so, lies are necessary to get through life.

Life isn’t like a VeggieTales episode. Life isn’t black and white like it is in Bumblyburg.

This episode SCARED THE LITERAL SHIT out of me as a child. As an adult, do I think it’s too scary? I think that depends on the child. You can’t always predict who will be scared by what. I do think there are some scenes that could’ve been edited to be less terrifying without altering the story too much, but other than that… it’s mainly just stupid, in my opinion.

I’d probably let my kid watch it if she came home with it, but I’d definitely not encourage her to watch it in the first place.

Buttercream Gang Post later this week. It’s hard because I have technological issues while watching it. So hopefully sometimes this week.

VeggieTales: Larry Boy and The Fib From Outer Space Part 1

There will be another Buttercream post sometime this week.

I’ve been wanting to do another Veggietales post, and when I stumbled across this on Amazon prime, I shuddered. This epsiode scared me SO BAD as a child I refused to sleep in my room for months.

As we all know, adulthood is for going back and explroing our childhoods to see if things that scared us were actually very scary or if we were just young and dumb.

So, I’m going to grab my pickles, some tea, and my teddy bear (just in case!) and dive in.

The character of Larry Boy was born when Larry decided he wanted to be a super hero and put plungers on his head. In the original episode, which was just a regular VeggieTales episode (I don’t remember which) he decided he should give it al up and be just Larry, like God made him. Because that was the whole point of the episode.

And then this spinoff series happened, so, forget about all that being yourself nonsense?

The episode starts off, as usually, with Bob the Tomato asking if anyone has any questions, because they are there to answer them.

Larry then tells Bob he got an email, and Bob stops him to ask what that is. Um, lolwhut? By the time this episode aired, I’m pretty sure emails were a really huge thing that almost everyone had.

Bob the Tomato is apparently 90 years old and doesn’t realize this, so is confused when Larry asks if he is “wired, plugged in, surfing the web, HTML good buddy!”

Anyway, in the email, the kid is asking if he should lie to is parents about the bad thing he did. I don’t think any of us ever actually needed to ask that question because we had the answer pounded into our skulls growing up: tell the truth and get punished anyway, it’s what God wants.

Of course, if VeggieTales ever answered questions that kids actually ASKED, it would start to tackle some really tough ones, and we can’t have THAT.

In any case, the following is a story about what happened to Junior Asparagus when his little “fib” got out of control.

The theme song for the Larry Boy episodes plays after the intro, and it’s a bit different from the normal veggietales song. Here’s a link:

We open next on Bumblyburg, where 2 peas come out and talk about the movie, which was about aliens sucking cows into their spaceship and then switching brains with them so they could infiltrate earth. We will later learn that this movie is called, “Invasion of the Cow Snatchers.”

The 2 peas then see a shooting star and wonder what it is. Well jee, it looks like a friggin’ shooting star from here, but of course, it’s really aliens.

Which is ironic, because the 2 gourds at the Bumblyburg Science Lab have a screen showing the shooting star playing in the background as one of them complains about how “B-O-R-D” he is, because they never go to see any space aliens.

An alarm light flashes and Jerry Gourd notices before Jimmy Gourd. Seriously it’s blaring all over the place, is Jerry deaf? Apparently if that alarm ever sounded, they were to notify Larry Boy immediately, because it meant something from space was about to hit Bumblyburg.

I’m so bored, I should take SPELLING LESSONS!

Jerry and Jimmy Gourd finally show the light in the sky which, seriously Larry you just told Bob he was so early ’90s for not having a computer, you should seriously have a cell phone.

Alfred, played by Archibald Asparagus, comes to get “Master Larry,” who knocks Alfred over with the plungers coming out of his head. Yes, plungers. Because Larry Boy is here to save Bumblyburg from…. CLOGGED TOILETS!

Larry immediately goes to the Larry Mobile, as the words Larry Boy! Flash across the screen to dramatic music.

It’s night time now, and we see what looks like a fist sized bouncy ball, you know, the special kind that bounces really really high, bouncing down the road. It comes to a stop and it looks like this

Wait, this looks familiar…. I’ve seen one of these before… ah, here we go

The Common Cold
Btw, kissing isn’t the only way you can get Mono, so I wish they’d stop calling it that.

The monster from outer space is therefore either a cold or Mono, or some horrid combination thereof.

The scene changes. We are now watching Junior and Laura have a tea party. With Teddy bears and all. Lolwhut? Junior is  FIVE. And a boy. Most 5 year old boys I know wouldn’t be caught DEAD having a tea party with a GIRL.

Laura says they need a plate for Mr. Snuggly. Junior decides that that really special looking plate on the top shelf of a very tall book case is perfect, because it’s a special plate for a special bear. Predictably, the plate breaks when Junior tries to get it. Laura makes up some lame excuse to leave (seriously, she was totally trying to come up with a little fib. Just because she didn’t find one doesn’t mean she should be excused because thats the whole point of this story!)

Anyway, just before Papa Asparagus comes in, the thing from Outer Space starts talking to Junior. His name is “Fibrilious Minimus.” Or Fib for short. Fib talks like the stereotype of a New Jersey cab driver. He tells Junior he is here to help him, and that he needs a good cover story for the plate.

So, when Papa Asparagus comes home to find his limited edition collector’s Art Bigoti plate broken, Junior lies and tells him it was Laura.

Papa Asparagus is surprised Laura would do that and goes to call Junior’s parents which, seriously, even a 5 year old shoulda seen that one coming. This is why your lies don’t ever involve anyone else who could be called upon to check your story. Duh. Junior needs a class in lying 101.

Fib then comes out from behind the couch, and Junior asks if he’s grown. He has, but not very much. Even I have trouble noticing. I’ll post comparison shots because it’s going to be important later.

Aw what a cute little COLD!
No, I’m not growing, I’ve always been this size

Fib is getting a little bigger, but just barely. His growth rate at the moment is… not much, honestly. Hold that thought while Junior and Fib decide to leave the house to have some fun.

In the meantime, Larry Boy is in the Larry Mobile looking for the “Foreign Object” While Alfred sits behind a computer in his office.

Larry Boy drives past Junior and Fib and says, “good afternoon boys,” and then tells Alfred he hasn’t seen anything that could possibly look like it came from outer space, except a kid with green hair and a dog that can whistle.

Alfred reminds Larry Boy that the fate of Bumblyburg resides in Larry Boy’s…. plungers.

I am SO glad I don’t live in Bumblyburg.

Percy Pea, meanwhile, finds Junior. Fib disappears around the corner, telling Junior he’ll be over there if he needs him.

Percy Pea is not happy. It seems Junior actually got Laura in trouble, despite Laura’s insistence she didn’t do it. Ah, playground drama, SO glad to be done with that part of my childhood.

Junior tells Percy this was all a mistake, it was Lenny, Laura’s Brother, who broke the plate. Junior feeds him some ridiculous story about Lenny feeding it to a crocodile. And frankly, if Percy believes that, he deserves to be fooled, because that is THE STUPIDEST THING EVER.

Afterward, Fib looks like this:

Ok, so maybe I’ve put on a few pounds.

Seriously? At first he only grew like, a couple inches, and now he grows 5 feet? Seriously? This lie isn’t even particularly big. And why does he need lies to grow, anyway? On what planet is this a thing? How would such a society actually work?No i am NOT overthinking this, the writers are UNDERthinking it. At the very least we should be getting some idea as to why this works the way it does. Not just handwaving it away BECAUSE ALIENS.

And he has feet, but I couldn’t get a good screenshot of how tall he was with them. Seriously, him having legs should be a BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL. I mean, think about it; no one in Bumblyburg even has legs. So, for one, how does Junior even know what legs/feet are? How does he know the word for it?

Also, he should not be brushing off the fact that Fib has legs. He should be freaking the fuck out. I mean, think about it. No human being I’ve ever seen has tentacles. So if, suddenly, someone I met did sprout tentacles, I’d be flipping out (after making sure they were real.) I would especially flip out if I’d never seen tentacles on tv before. It’d be like a creature suddenly sprouting… something I’m totally unfamiliar with.

I really don’t feel well, so I’m going to have to stop here.  Instead of booze I had to take cold medicine, for an actual cold, so I’m not even enjoying it. I’m not at all used to working through a haze of cold pills. I’ll try to get part 2 up tomorrow or something, and a Buttercream post will be coming either Monday, Tuesday, or Wensday.

The Bible Man Adventure: Defeating The Shadow of Doubt

Update on Buttercream Gang Secret of Treasure Mountain: The DVD arrived today. I will be reviewing it… soon. I hope. For now, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time…

Callie W, this post is for you. See, when Callie found out I was doing these posts, she was all, “oh man, you GOTTA do bible man!”

Me: Bible Man?

Callie: yeah, on Sabbath I could either watch that or Veggie Tales. Most of the time it was Veggie Tales, but occasionally I would get tired of that and watch Bible man. Then I’d remember why I never watched Bible Man and went back to watching VeggieTales. Here, I’ll send you the videos.

Me: Ok, uh, wait, REAL videos? As in, big bulky things with tape inside that spins around on wheels?

Callie: Yup

Me: are you also sending the VCR?

So, that didn’t happen. Fortunately, Youtube to the rescue! The link she gave me was the song Prince of Pride. It was a long 4 to 5 minute song and I laughed my head off the whole time. And I was completely and utterly sober. And then I knew she was right; I needed to do Bible Man.

I said some things to her when I was inebriated, so I doubt she’ll ever speak to me again, but Callie W, this post is for you.

Closed captioning what…. YOUTUBE HAS SUBTITLES! I am saved. We open with a man in a black coat and hat standing in the rain.

Except oh God… instead of “Wealth, status, success,” Youtube has translated that to “Well stabbing success.” Sooo maybe these subtitles aren’t going to help much. Anyway, if the screenshots look a tad ridiculous, blame youtube.

Anyway, the man in the rain is apparently a man who’s name I didn’t catch, who has wealth, status, and success. He does not do well at stabbing people. Or does he?

Anyway, despite the wealth and success this man had, there was something missing. We are then shown the main in the rain screaming, opening a brief case, and emptying it of its contents. No, the contents are not money, they’re papers. The man screams like he is dying as he does this, then he falls to the ground.

His name is Miles. I didn’t catch the last name. Youtube says it’s “Markers,” but I don’t believe it. I think I have to turn off the “subtitles” or I’ll be laughing all night.

As he is down on the ground screaming, he digs through the dirt with his hands and finds a bible. Because people go around burying random bibles, I guess? Like seriously where did THAT come from?

Anyway, Miles Peterson (not Marker, apparently) “suddenly has a burning desire to know Jesus–”

Whacks inner 12 year old with a hammer.

So anyway, Miles pledged to fight evil (not people, YouTube subtitles) in the name of God as…. BIBLEMAN!

Lots of cheesy 80s graphics flash across the scene, including lightening, crossed light sabers, and a bible cross

Aaaand I think this is the Bibleman theme song?

Google couldn’t find the lyrics, and I don’t feel like listening to it a zillion times to type them out myself. I will say that it was not so intolerable I couldn’t listen to it, like some Donut songs have been.

Scene changes. We’re at a church. the pastor (I think?) is discussing community outreach. This year for the community outreach they will be featuring a performing arts team.

For Youtube, this is a great match.

The pastor keeps talking, but then lightening strobes, and I get a headache, because strobe lights don’t agree with me, which is a very small reason I’m not at a 4 story haunted house tonight. (The main reason is my bum knee. I can’t handle that much walking/running, and I’m pretty sure they don’t allow wheelchairs.)

We’re shown a close up of the heating vent, and strobe lights, and then shown to… what? A secret underground lab?

I couldn’t get a good screenshot of it. We are then shown a brick wall as ominous music plays. Ummmm ok?

Back at the church, people are clapping. The pastor announces that the drama team is going to do a preview by dancing to the song The Armor of God. I’ve never heard of this song before, so I’m interested.

Ugh. My knee hurts. I hope I remember where I put my icyhot

Bibleman found it for me.

In the secret underground lab, green goo falls to the floor. We hear noise, which Y-tube translates as “one mom.” SNORT. I could laugh at this all day. Seriously though, I wish for REAL subtitles.

On stage, we are shown the drama team. The first shot is behind peoples’ heads. Seriously, videographers?

music: It’s a constant fight between wrong and right

Shots of the drama team are interspersed with green goo leaking in the basement. Ugh. I wish they’d just let us watch the drama team, they’re more interesting. THEN maybe show us the green goo.

I want popcorn. I do not have popcorn. My knee hurts too much to walk to the store. rawr.

A brick falls out in the room downstairs. Upstairs, the drama team is still dancing to the song.  Downstairs, a voice says, “so sure of themselves in their own little world.”

At least, I think that’s what they’re saying. Youtube says they’re saying, “killed.”

Shadow(continuing): time for a wake up call folks. Bibleman won’t always have the answers. say hello to

a man comes into the underground lab scene. “Excuse me mr. shadow,” she says. He then moves an item across the floor. Youtube translates the shuffling sounds as “you don’t really need it.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA ahem.

Oh wait, that’s not youtube, that person is really saying that: “Excuse me, Mr. Shadow, you don’t really need that wall because those bricks, they aren’t real. so you could probably just walk around.”

Mr. Shadow: I know that! I do it for effect. to be more scary.

Well, at least Shadow puts effort into his work.

The scene changes. Sirens are blaring, red and blue. ATTENTION BIBLEMAN blares over the alarms. My head hurts listening to it.

Youtube translates this as “tension, tension!” which sorry, there is none of that in this movie.

We are shown ancient computers that look like old pacman games, and Bibleman and his side kick “coats” are at them. Apparently his password is John 3:16, TOTALLY something I’d never guess if I was trying to break into Bibleman’s computer.

Coats announces he has a vector lock on the transmission, whatever that means. These computers are the kind you talk to, which reminds me of what the 1980s people thought futuristic computers would be like. Remember the Star Trek movie?

“Ah, a keyboard! How quaint.”

The computer’s name is Eunice and she sounds CREEPY.

Coats wishes the computer would talk to him, and after being denied, he calls the computer an “overgrown gigapet”

Why is he called “Coats?” I’ve never seen this guy wear one.

And btw, John 3:16 is NOT the magic word. Everyone knows the magic word is “please.” I wrote that in my notes, and the computer doesn’t end up telling us that until much later.

Finally the message shows up on the screen.

“Bibleman,” the man on screen begins, “something’s very wrong here. some of our church members are acting…. strange.

I’m most concerned about a young girl named Kyla. Lately Kyla’s parents have been struggling with arguing. Please come right away. one last thing: We keep finding these.

He holds up an object, but the quality of this recording makes it hard to tell. Looks like a chocolate bar to me.

Struggling with arguing? What an odd phrasing. I’ve never heard anyone say that before. I’ve heard them say “struggling with anger” or “struggling in their marriage,” but “struggling with arguing?” Like the solution to these problems are that the parents just… stop arguing. Right. That would solve everything, wouldn’t it.

After the transmission, Coats asks Bibleman “what do you think?”

Bibleman says he doesn’t know, but he’s never seen pastor Rex so disturbed before.

Really? Cause this is not the most disturbing thing a pastor has ever seen. Juuuuuust sayin’. Unless, maybe, it is their first time ever being in the position of a pastor?

Moving along from that obvious inconsistency,

Bibleman tells Coats to ready the chamber, because it’s time for “Bibleman.” Coats turns to the computer and asks what the magic word is.

Eunice: Please, of course.

I think Eunice is my favorite character, not that that’s saying much.

Anyway, we never learn what “ready the chambers” means, because the next scene is of the pastor pointing out Kyla to Bibleman, who looks like Batman went to India on color day.

Boy, she looks depressed. Maybe she should see a child psychiatrist. Though it sounds like her parents need that more than she does.

Bibleman: Well, I can’t say I’d blame her. There’s nothing harder or sadder than watching your parents argue.

As hard and sad as it was for me to watch mine argue, I can think of at least 5 things off the top of my head that are both harder AND sadder.

But I digress.

Bibleman(to Kyla): They say that misery loves company, so, can I join you?


Bibleman: that was supposed to be a joke

Kyla: (sarcastically) Ha Ha

Bibleman: Romans 12:16 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

Wait, the bible really says that? Because I’ve had it preached to me all my life that when someone is unhappy, it is your job to make them joyful again. Many on Planet Adventist don’t know how to empathize.

Yanno, I have no idea if this man is a Christian, but he’s like, happy all the time. And then one day he asked me why I didn’t look so happy and I told him I had to fly the next day and was practically shitting myself. His tone changed immediately. He was serious and sympathetic as he talked to me about how he had the same problem too, and that he would give me a nice book on the subject that helped him, and he hoped it would help me too. He didn’t exactly weep with me, but he lost the outward happy happy joy joy persona, because he knew it wasn’t appropriate for the topic of conversation.

So I am very surprised to learn the bible even says such a thing. Huh. I learned my one new thing every day.

Bibleman: do you want to talk about it?

Kyla: That’s nice of you Bibleman. It won’t do any good. I doubt my parents will ever change

So, without being introduced, she knows who Bibleman is. She doesn’t run away from the batman like character screaming, or even ask who he is. In this universe, is Bibleman a well known character?

Bibleman: Kyla you’ve been a Christian long enough to know that talking to me might not stop your parents from arguing, But talking to God, now that’s different.

This, folks, is totally the face of a man I’d trust to talk to about my family problems. NOT.

Kyla: All I know is that I’ve been praying and praying and nothing has changed. And then today it all became clear. It feels like God doesn’t even care.

I read in one of the Youtube reviews of this show that that trick only works if the string is tight, but I digress, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t done that trick since I was a little kid.

Bibleman: Now Kyla, Ephesians something something says God loves us very much

Kyla: I know that’s what I’m supposed to believe Bibleman, but I’m not sure anymore.

Shadow: This is delightfully doubtful

Bibleman: Trust in the Lord, Kyla, God has a plan for you and your parnets and he won’t let you down. Now, you said today it all became clear. How?

Well, after thinking about it, I came to the logical conclusion that God doesn’t care.

Silly me, of course, no one who EVER uses logic could come to THAT conclusion. eyeroll.

Kyla: It just came to me. I was down in the church basement looking for some….

Youtube translates this as pain, but I can’t make out the real word myself. I highly doubt a little girl was looking around for pain, but, sure, we’ll go with that.

Kyla: And then I found this box

Kyla: And I hadn’t seen anything like it before so I opened it. And then it all just became clear. And I figured God probably had better things to worry about.

She takes back the box. First off, that box doesn’t look like anything special tome. Second, it had to be a box, didn’t it? A box is causing all the doubt, not, I don’t know, actual rational thinking. Or even irrational thinking, if that’s how you see it. Kyla is going through some tough stuff here. It doesn’t take a special object in order to cause a little girl to put two and two together and realize that, since God isn’t helping her, he must not care about her. You Christians are free to interpret the lack of intervention any way you like, but even the most conservatives would agree that it doesn’t take a box to cause doubt.

Kinda reminds me of the show Warehouse 13.

Arty: “Pete, Micah, we got a ping.”

Pete and Micah: A ping?

Arty: There’s a box over in New Jersey that’s causing people to doubt their faith in God. I want you to snag it, bag it, and tag it.

Pete and Micah: That doesn’t sound like particularly terrible thing.

Arty: All artifacts have a downside, now get going!

Back to Bibleman, who has apparently discovered an artifact. He needs to call Pete and Micah to throw it in a bag of purple goo ASAP.

Bibleman: Well that’s just not true. Jesus loves you and your parents more than you will ever know.

Boy, he always manages to look so…. angry in this scene. It’s possibly not intentional but I still find it creepy as hell.

Kyla: I gotta go. thanks anyway.

Run Kyla! Run away from the weird man in the costume!

Youtube translates: Thanks anyway as “thanks Amy.” I might start calling Bibleman Amy now, snicker snicker.

Bibleman gets permission from the pastor to take a look around the church basement. When pastor Rex asks if there’s anything he can do for Kyla, the response is, “you can pray for her.”

Don’t most pastors have basic 101 counseling skills? Maybe he should be the one to go talk to Kyla since he probably knows her a jillion times better than Bibleman does?

There’s a brief argument between Shadow and Ludicrous about whether or not Shadow should turn himself into a hologram. I’m with Ludicrous, it’s a great idea. Villians of the 1980s just had no imagination. Shadow tells Ludicrous to put the box over there “where I told you to.” And that’s how we know he’s a villain; because he can’t get off his ass and do it himself.

Bibleman immediately grabs his light saber and flicks it on. No, I’m not kidding, there really are light sabers in this movie. I’m surprised there aren’t copyright issues.

Seeing no one there, Bibleman sheeths his lightsaber and moves toward the box. We hear Shadow singing softly from the….er, shadows:

Now the scripture shouter

will become a scripture doubter

in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaysment

Which is a lot different from what Youtube thinks he’s saying…

Speech you Pecans should

daaaaaaaaay peace

Which I think is more interesting even if it makes no sense.

Bibleman picks up the box and, stupidly, opens it.

Shadow: (still singing)

What a silly picture

when he loses trust in scripture

Where your faaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyth went haha

I’m sure we’re all supposed to be screaming “don’t open that box!” at the TV, but…. frankly, I don’t care?

Bibleman opens the box. A green glow spins around his head

Shadow jumps out and says, “surprise, Bible oom.”

Youtube tells me he said “surprise bedroom” but I doubt it.

Bibleman(turning on his light saber): I never was one for surprises. Especially from those with bad teeth.

Bibleman: you really should floss you know.

Youtube closed captioning: Should flash you

Ow. Oh ow. No one told me it HURT when you squirted vodka out your nose because you laughed so hard. Oow !!!!

Shadow: The bible says to be careful when entertaining strangers for you might end up entertaining angels unawares

Bibleman: Yes but fallen angels are hardly entertaining

Youtube closed captioning: yes but fallen angels party in 18, are you sure about that?

Clearly I should not drink anything while doing this.

Also, I almost think fallen angels would be more entertaining… Just sayin’.

More Jedi lightsaber fighting.

It turns out Shadow agrees with me. “Are you sure about that, Bibleman?” He says, breathing green glowy stuff onto Bibleman.

Bibleman: I believe in God and the bible with all my heart. And now, a word from my sponsor

Youtube: A word from my spots.

No, the video doesn’t go into commercial break. Just more light saber fighting. The Jedi did it better.

Shadow: One day your scripture will do you no good

Me: that day has come and gone

Youtube closed captioning: Monday instruction will do you no good.

Guess I’d better avoid taking instructions on Monday, then.

Bibleman falls down. Shadow says something I agree with: Goodbye, farewell. Parting is such a…. pain in the neck.

Because sweet sorrow my ass!

Meanwhile back at the secret underground lab that is neither secret nor underground, Eunice can’t figure out what the heck the box is made of. Surprise surprise.

Coats: Miles, you’ve been working on this very hard for quite a long time. Maybe you should give it some time, take a rest.

Bibleman: Alright Eunice, let’s start from the top. Run the battle scenes again and compare them with my digital testimony.

Whatever that means.

Coats: Miles, MILES! You have GOT to rest. We all need rest.

Miles: you weren’t there Coats, you didn’t experience what I went through.

Coats: I know I wasn’t there but I’m your friend and I AM worried about you.

Miles: Kyla is in trouble and I have to help

They continue to argue like that for a while. I wish Coats would use rational arguments. Here are the completely rational arguments I would use:

1. In EMT school we were taught YOU come first. Because if something happens to you, guess how much help you are to the patient? Miles would be A  LOT more help to Kyla if he took a rest.

2. Actually, he’d be MORE help to Kyla if he got some rest, because our brains don’t think very clearly when we are exhausted.

3. The bible says our body is the temple of God. If we don’t take care of our temple, how can we expect God to be able to speak to us?

Finally, practically kicking and screaming (mentally, at least) he decides to tell Eunice to shut down for the night. Eunice says “access denied. You didn’t say the magic word.”

Bibleman and Coats together, both sounding annoyed: Please.

Scene change. The next morning at pastor Rex’s church, we see Kyla on the stage coloring a poster. The images become blurred as she remembers. Kyla’s parents had a really big argument last night. We’re not shown what they were arguing about. I’m going to guess it was about crunchy vs smooth peanut butter. Kyla leaves the house as her parents argue, sits down on the doorstep, and sobs.

Back in the present, Bibleman comes up and says hi to her. Kyla jumps up.

Kyla: You!

Kyla(continuing) You said everything would be alright! Well it’s not, it’s worse!

She’s shouting now, and everyone has stopped what they are doing to watch her argue with Bibleman. Poor kid.

Bibleman stammers

Kyla: Where was God last night? My parents fought all night.

We’re shown a shot of The Shadow of Doubt filing his nails, so I don’t hear all of what Kyla is saying. When we finally get back to hear she’s still shouting.

Kyla: …..don’t love me! You don’t love how I feel! Nobody does not even God!

Bibleman tries to say something, but the green glow comes around his head.

Bibleman: God must care, he must, the bible says–

Kyla: You’re not even sure!

And with that, Kyla runs away. Too bad she won’t be doing that for the rest of the movie. The other kids look on, and I can’t tell if they’re disappointed in Bibleman, or upset at them for upsetting their friend like that.

Shadow(still filing his nails): Oh Bibleman, you’re just too easy!

That’s… actually what I was thinking. It’s almost no fun to snark on this because it’s just so OBVIOUSLY bad I feel like I’m shooting ducks in a barrel. I almost feel…. guilty.

Shadow(continues): One more dose of my doubt toxins and Bibleman will be begging me for mercy.

And now it’s time for Shadow’s song! Callie told me that every villain in this series had its own song. I can’t get the lyrics, and apparently the one on youtube isn’t the real song, but the visuals with a different song dubbed over it. I hate it when they do that. So I won’t be posting the song.

This song is full of cheesy 80s corny graphics, and I can’t hear the lyrics, so I can’t tell if it’s as bad as it looks. I’m told the villains had awesome songs, though. I don’t know man, that Prince of Pride one was even worse than a lot of the Donut Repair Club songs.

After that, we see Bibleman barging into the basement. The shadow of doubt is waiting for him.

Shadow of Doubt: Hi, how may I help you? Today’s special is….

Oh I can’t make it out and it’s not important anyway because BIbleman almost immediately starts fighting. Light sabers clash.

Bibleman: 2 Timothy 2:19 God’s word is a rock foundation…

Or something, I didn’t catch it all due to hearing problems. Here is the relevant verse, from the (super evil, in some people’s opinion) NIV:

[quote]Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”[/quote]

Bibleman: And that means YOU

More light saber fighting.

Shadow: Missed me missed me now you gotta…. nevermind.

Funniest. Line. In the whole episode.

More fighting. Shadow brings out his acme instant minions (Just add Evil!) he never leaves Hades without them.

More fighting. I’m not really into fight scenes, but there’s not much to describe about this one anyway except that THE JEDI DID IT BETTER.

I blinked, what happened? Bibleman is alone in the room. He kneels down and prays. “Lord, forgive me. What’s happened to me?”

First off, Bibleman doesn’t need to apologized. He’s been whammied by an artifact, meaning he’s not totally in control of his beliefs and thoughts right now. It’s happened to each member of the Warehouse 13 team at least once, and when it happens, they understand that the person who’s been affected by the artifact isn’t responsible for their actions. Why, then, is Bibleman somehow responsible for his own doubt when it is in fact a chemical that caused it? That has been established in the narrative.

Bibleman has nothing to apologize for, and any good god would recognize that.

Coats: I’ve made a breakthrough miles

Miles: I’m not sure it matters anymore coats

Coats: Come on Miles, you’ve faced tougher battles than this.

Miles: I know. It’s not the battles. It’s me.


Miles: I know God will never let me down but lately, I’ve been doubting

I’m going to interject here with a quote my (secular) Spanish teacher (at a secular college) told us:

Faith which does not doubt is dead faith.—Miguel de Unamuno

For you see, my Spanish teacher explained, Faith that doesn’t doubt, doesn’t question, or anything like that… it doesn’t grow. It just stays stagnant. And pretty soon, you begin to stop having faith at all. Doubt is not a bad thing. Doubt is not the enemy. You see, doubt causes us to seek for answers, and to search out the truth. It causes us to make breakthroughs in science, and even in the faith. Because doubt causes us to seek out answers constantly, and that refreshes our faith constantly in our mind. And because of healed doubts, our faith can be made stronger.

Doubt is not the enemy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that doubt is our friend.

Unfortunately no one in this cheesy 80s movie agrees with me.

/my preaching, back to Bibleman.

Coats: Maybe you and Kyla are suffering from the same thing

Me: yeah, they’ve both been whammied by an artifact. They need to call the Warehouse for some purple goo STAT.

Bibleman: in my mind I know all the right scriptures, I just don’t FEEL like they’re real. one things for certain whoever this is they’ve affected my ability to reason

Coats: Interesting. You know, that definitely fits in with what I’ve learned about that little box he uses.

Coats goes to the computer, which obeys without him sayling please.

Bibleman: That’s great Coats, but I’ve gotten past this level.

Soooo it’s a video game? I is CORNFUSED.

Oh, that was the wrong thing.

This is the right thing.

Basically, the box is covered with trace elements that are harmless unless inhaled, and then they work by intensifying the victim’s emotions.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if that’s the case, wouldn’t it only work on people who were already doubting?

Bibleman: Coats, that’s it! What’s the one factor that Kyla and I have in common?

Coats: Your both short

Me: Fuck you coats! short people will RULE THE PLANET.

Bibleman: Besides that….. Kyla felt God didn’t care about her, and in my struggles, I didn’t feel the scriptures were true even though I knew them.

Coats: feelings, you were concentrating on your feelings

Bibleman: Eunice, initialize Bibleman study tapes and concordance

Eunice: Initializing.

Bibleman: Coats, Bible quiz, which proverb tells us not to trust our feelings?

Coats: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I’d like to point out that this just…. argh. See, Christianity tells you to distrust your feelings. However, I’ve found that my feelings are my safe guide. Example. Sometimes I’ve been in situations and I feel like… like I’m in danger. Those feelings, and listening to those feelings, have protected me more than once. So I feel like anything that tells you not to trust your feelings is… sinister.

Especially since it is used to brainwash others into Christianity: don’t trust your feelings, children, if you feel like perhaps something is not right here, it’s just the devil trying to get you and you must pray more!

This is particularly true if the child feels like maybe the way Uncle Loowie is touching them isn’t quite right, but they mustn’t trust their feelings. Because Jesus is telling them to submit to authority.

I REALLY hate this whole “don’t trust your feelings” bullshit. I got quite a bit of it growing up in Seventh Day Assholism and I’m sick of it. So in any case.

Bibleman: ready the chamber, Coats, it’s time for Bibleman

No, we still don’t get to know what “ready the chamber” means.

Bibleman: First, we’re gonna go help Kyla. Then we’re going to teach that Shadow a bible lesson

Coats: We?

Bibleman: Not unless you want me to have all the fun.

Is that… a slide projector coats is holding?

It’s community outreach night at Pastor Rex’s Church. The drama team’s encore performance is, “once again,” the armor of God. Does this drama team not know any other songs? And, more importantly, do we ever get to see the whole performance? The answer to the last question, dear readers, was no. Which almost makes it seem like the whole plot point is irrelevant and should have been left out.

Bibleman enters the church and finds Kyla sitting all alone, sans parents.

Kyla: I had a feeling you’d be here

To his credit, Bibleman doesn’t immediately start in on how bad feelings are. Instead he tells Kyla her feelings must be very strong right now. It can feel very scary when your parents argue.

Oh god yes. Divorce is frowned on on Planet Adventist as being bad for children, but I am not the only one who wished all through childhood that my parents WOULD divorce, but because we felt divorce would be healthier than constantly listening to our parents argue and scream at each other or worse, at me.

I especially wished my parents had divorced when it came time for college, because then I would be able to pick the poorer parent to live with and claimed them on fafsa and possible been able to actually get enough help to GO to college.

Kyla: It feels like they don’t love each other anymore.

And perhaps they don’t. Perhaps separation would be in their best interest. But either way, Kyla, they both love YOU.

And now is the time for Bibleman to tell Kyla that we shouldn’t trust our feelings. Anytime our feelings tell us not to believe in God, they are just trying to trick us… God may allow things to happen but will always see us through… yawn. Bibleman has Kyla promise him she’ll hold on to Hebrews 13:5, and then says “now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a rather sarcastic appointment to keep.”

Bibleman heads down to the basement. He and Shadow fight, while Coats aims his… projector thingy at the minions. Ludicrous eats a banana, and explains that the bad guys didn’t really need all that smoke, they just did it cuz it looks cool.

Shadow: your doubt will be the end of you bibleman

Lots of lightsaber fighting… Bibleman wins. Darn.

Shadow: You’ll never get rid of me, Bibleman, as long as I’m around, there’lll always be doubt.

Coats shoots Shadow with his projector thing.

Coats: Perhaps

Coats and Bibleman together: But when in doubt, wipe it out.

Scene change. Alarms blare, as Eunice shouts ATTENTION BIBLEMAN loud enough and long enough to give children everywhere a headache.

There’s a transmission, apparently, and there’s a lot of “localizing transmission vector” and stuff that goes on for a full five seconds (Eunice must be one slow computer if it takes 5 whole seconds to get a message.) The message is from pastor Rex, saying he just got back from a counseling appointment with Kyla and her family and “they’ll be a happy family, with God’s help.”

Hang on, isn’t that illegal? My counselor friend told me it was illegal for her to even confirm to me that my other friends had been coming to see her too. Shouldn’t it be illegal for you to say you are counseling Kyla and her family? He gets one point for not saying anything beyond “they’ve got some problems to iron out but with God’s help they’ll soon be a happy family.” But I still think it’s a HIPPA violation.

Bibleman and Coats are happy. Coats tries to shut down Eunice, but has already forgotten to say please.

Afterward, Bibleman breaks the 4th wall (I hate it when they do that) and addresses the audience:

Bibleman: hi kids. sometimes it may feel like God doesn’t hear our prayers, but the bible promises he loves us… Jesus will always be with us… if you feel like you’re far away from God you should tell your parents or your pastor. And remember, only Jesus is the true superhero. So long.

I might or might not do more Bibleman in the future. For now we’re moving on to The Buttercream Gang: Revenge of Elton! I also plan to post a chapter of Real Marraige, by Mark Driscoll, once a week, but as I ahve a life outside of blogging AND crippling depression, don’t count on having it once a week.

And now, I’ve worked hard all day, not just on this but on other things, and I deserve to go watch something I LIKE. Like Warehouse 13, Fringe, or The Dome.

have a good weekend everybody!