My depression is worsening, but I don’t feel depressed: I feel sad. I’m toying with the idea of posting a full explanation, and I probably will at some point. Right now, it’s a tad too personal. It has to do with me being an aromantic asexual. It sounds like it makes my life easier, but it doesn’t. I’m still coming to terms with who and what I am as far as that goes.
I went out to eat with Marenda today. It was fun. I thought it’d just make me sad all over again, like I was when I saw Lincoln on the bus last week, but it didn’t. I do miss campus people. I miss James’ Potato-ey Potatoheadedness, Bamji’s out of tune off key singing, and Prince’s well intentioned but sometimes insensitive jokes.
And yet, even if I went back, I know that most of these people wouldn’t spend quality time with me. They would think that just being in the same building on the same day of the week listening to the same sermon is good quality bonding time.
Time will ease my pain. Experience has taught me this. Time will not fix the other problem, the problems associated with being an aromantic asexual, the main problem.
This is why it is easier for me not to believe in a God. When I consider what I am, and the low probability of finding what I need, I don’t understand why the type of God I’ve always been taught exists would allow it. With one exception, evolution makes so much more sense. And with one exception, Christianity also makes sense. Which is correct? Do I care? Does it matter?
I should’ve gone home to Ken instead of writer’s group. Ken helps me forget, and I haven’t exactly made any friends in writer’s group, though I keep hoping that’ll change.
Will I ever find a QPP? Will I ever have what I need/crave? Will I ever not be sad?