I was going to go through it day by day. I still could. Stay tuned, I have most of it written down in my journal, and I’m trying to write Callie a book about it, which isn’t working because no one’s answering my interviews, and anyway she probably would find it redundant after the series of blog posts.
We all know that I deal with Depression and anxiety. (Yes, that IS a capital D and yes, I put it there on purpose.)
I am writing this post because I am waiting for the Ativan to kick in. I got really anxious because…
You probably know this already. In case you don’t, I have moved out of the dorm and am temporarily living with Marina and Alaina till I can find a job.
BUT Marina went off Miami and wouldn’t take me with her (I’m hurt, crushed, actually) and Alaina… well, I don’t feel like I can reveal too much on here, but, she isn’t around most of the time. Sometimes she sleeps here, and sometimes she doesn’t. I don’t usually mind this, except that Alaina is the only one of us with a car, and it makes me feel ten times better knowing I can wake her up and have her drive me to the hospital if I really need to. Even just having Marina here is comforting because if I pass out, at least she could call someone, worst case scenario, an ambulance.
In later posts, if anyone cares, I’ll explain why this matters. See,when I started this blog, it was a canvassing blog. This summer I made the decision (actually that’s a lie, I made this decision LAST summer) not to canvass. The reasons are no longer the same as they were when I made the decision, so I won’t get into it now.
When it was a canvasing blog, people read it. It was interesting. Since canvassing ended (for me, anyway) I’ve had to really struggle to come up with topics that my audience would actually care to read about. I like the idea of doing books, but I get embarrassed that I can’t forumlate my thoughts well enough to get my point across.
Besides, most of my audience isn’t even interested in that sort of thing. Most people who read here, with at least one (and possibly only one) exception, want to hear stories similar to what I experienced in canvassing. That, to them, is interesting. It would be even more interesting if I talked about the spiritual things that I (would be if I wanted to be) doing right now.
And those aren’t the sorts of stories I can post. They haven’t been in a long time. I hesitate to say why, because that would be “coming out” and I’m not ready for that yet. Part of it is what people will think of me, but that’s only like, 1/16th of it. It’s more like… I don’t even want to admit things to MYSELF yet. If I cannot defend them to myself, I cannot defend it to others either.
So much for getting to bed before 1am! stupid anxiety! Stupid #2! omg I am just so fulla stupid tonight.
So, the next series of posts will be an update on my life since Texas, starting with, well, Texas. Cuz we all know that don’ nobody mess with Texas. The highlights involve:
1. Evangelism in the park with ohwhatWAShernameagain?
2. Giving not just one, but TWO seminars (Yes they let me speak in public. No, they have not let me do it again. Can’t think why…)
3. Three trips to the hospital in 3 months (unless you don’t count the third trip because it was a direct result of what they did to me on the 2nd trip)
4. Why I literally had to be waited on hand and foot
5. Why I lost my job
And….. oh fukkit the ativan kicked in. It just now occurred to me that I have no idea where I put the rest of the package… if anyone is out there reading this, please pray that I find them.
Is God a God who cares about lost Ativan, or is that just something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better? What if instead we should be praying for starving children in America or something?
And yes, to the delusional stupidheads out there: there ARE starving children in America.
ps. Things will be more coherent next time. Not that the Ativan is making me incoherent: I only took .5 miligrams, and I was tired before, so I doubt that’s a side affect, as it’s never affected me that way before. STill, the pill didn’t split evenly when I cut it… I hate it when that happens because now I have no idea how much I’ve taken… what if it’s really .8 or something?
Before you tell me that I’m splitting hairs, realize that Ativan is usually only prescribed in 1mg or .5 mg tablets. Wanna know how strong that 1mg of Ativan is? So strong I only took it ONCE, and that was enough.