In Which I Ponder Something

So, I’ve spent much of my life wishing I hadn’t screwed myself up; thinking that if only I’d done this, that, other thing, or, more often, HADN’T done this, that, or the other thing, I wouldn’t have developed depression, wouldn’t have developed Borderline Personality Disorder. For the last few years, even though I wouldn’t tell that to anyone, I thought that my mental illness was my fault. That I somehow “let” this happen, or worse, that I did something to cause this to happen.

What if I’m wrong? What if it’s not my fault I have depression? I have a family history, and there were environmental factors there. What if it’s just genetics and circumstances that allowed me to develop this horrible condition? What if I myself did nothing to cause this.

I am not saying I am not still responsible for my actions, don’t get me wrong. Just my mental state of health.

If I truly allowed myself to believe this, that being mentally ill really isn’t my fault, that there’s nothing I could’ve done or not done that would have enabled me to avoid this, that it would inevitably get worse without help….

What would that change? Everything? Nothing?

Maybe everything. I thought that if I caused this, then I could fix this myself. Maybe, just maybe, allowing myself to believe that it’s not my fault I have depression could set me free. Maybe in more ways than one. Maybe I would hate myself a little less.

Or maybe nothing. I mean, really, it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, I still have depression and BPD, in the end, no matter who or what caused it.

There’s nothing you could’ve done to have caused this, but there are steps you can take to help fix it. That would be wonderful to believe.

If it’s true.

Help Me

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One thought on “In Which I Ponder Something

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