The New Year’s Post
Usually at the end of each year I try to reflect a little on the previous one.
I haven’t felt like doing that.
This year started off ok. I was surrounded by safe people, or, on a bad day, halfway safe people. Mostly I’m referring to last year’s missionaries, and no, I don’t just mean Callie. (Though even some non missionaries who used to be safe people but aren’t…)
Ahem. And then I went on a mission trip to Florida. I didn’t get to see dolphins, but Kiana hugged me a lot, and Callie said I could come visit, so it all worked out. In Florida, I had a few experiences. Actually that’s a lie, I mostly didn’t do anything. James trained me in giving Bible studies (the rest of us thought he was certifiable) and that was about it. Most of my memories of Florida involve sun; lots and lots of SUN! (and the baptistry… will NEVER forget that baptistry.)
Then over the summer I decided to go canvassing (I won’t say here what I must’ve been smoking…) I think I’ve very well recorded here what a disaster that was. I didn’t even get anything for finishing the whole dam program: no sense of satisfaction, no monetary reward (I hear there was sorta supposed to be one), nothing. Not even a “good job Abby” or a, “congratulations?!?!?!?!”
Callie said that canvassing changed me. When I asked her how, she replied, “you’re more broken now.”
Erm, how is that a good thing?
It’s not. It just makes me…
In the summer I went back to College, expecting things to be the same as last year but nervous about what James had in mind as far as, “We’re going to use you more for evangelism!” went.
That went well for like, a week. And then I started having problems. Or, maybe some old ones just came to the surface. I started having questions I couldn’t answer, or at least, not satisfactorily. Started noticing contradictions GLARING at me from the pages of my bible.
I wasn’t looking for them, so PLEASE don’t tell me that, “those who look for contradictions will always find them.”
I started noticing contradictions with EGW, EGW/bible and EGW/EGW and EGW/Reality.
At the same time, James started pushing me more. To give personal bible studies, to lead Wed with Jesus, to be rebaptized.
He would say, “this is what the Lord told me.” I would then sit there wondering why, in some cases, God (“God”?) had told me exactly the opposite. James would say, “but don’t take my word for it, ask God himself.” But it was clear from the way he spoke that if God didn’t tell me the same thing he told James, I was hearing from
The Wrong God.
All this depressed me greatly. I did not know who I could talk to, at least, who I could talk to that could possibly help.
The small pool of safe people I had was fast shrinking.
To date, I have exactly one person at College who I can talk to about all this. The person’s very presence has probably been the only thing keeping me sane. Just knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts.
But the person’s got a sane mind. Zie can take what zie observes and accept that the worldview of others is not going to be sufficient.
It all whirls in my head: if I believe/do the right things, I will go to heaven. If I believe/do the wrong things, I will go to hell. What exactly are the right and wrong things? Who is right? The Bible is no help; it can be interpreted in a thousand different ways. So who’s right? Even if we stick with just Adventism, there are a million different SDA religious styles. Who’s right: the conservatives? the liberals?
I’m not describing this well at all. I need to go to bed, but cousin dearest hasn’t shut off the tv.
All this swirls around in my head, leaving me more and more depressed.
I keep getting told about various things I should do to heal my depression: pray more, exercise more, focus on others rather than yourself, clean your room, etc.
These things may help some people. However, when I’ve exercised on a regular basis, it hasn’t helped the depression, and in any case, depression makes it near impossible to do these things.
So I’m trying one last option: a combination of drug and talk therapy.
I mean, what if I’ve been opposed to anti depressants all my life and been wrong? What if one tiny little pill has been, for all these years, the only thing standing between me and mental health? Oh sure it’s not a permanent solution for everybody, but it is for some people. I mean,there definitely are other issues that need to be addressed, but what if, for the most part, this is a chemical imbalance in the brain that could be corrected by medication?
What if God doesn’t want me to “just pray more?” What if he wants me to use my brain and see a doctor?
2012 has been rough, bumpy, uneven. I wonder if 2013 will be any better, or if this is the year I finally give in and do what I’ve known I needed to do since the moment I first heard people actually do that.