In Which I Mostly Just want To Convince myself Someone is Listening

I don’t want to post my location on a public place. Indeed, I’m halfway disinclined to tell most people from CAMPUS where I am. Of course, that’s probably just me being paranoid.

My Spanish teacher assigns a lot of homework. So much so that I’ve done no homework for any of my other classes, because I have to keep up in this class. Even so, I’m falling behind. It’s hard to motivate yourself to keep going when the mountain looks so enormous you wont get through it. And frankly, you never really wanted to anyway.

If this is the way we do education –loading our students up with busywork so that they’re too busy to actually learn anything– we R doing it RONG!

But that’s really another rant. The point is, I don’t know if I can handle school. Maybe a normal person could handle the homework load. Maybe a normal person could handle the stress. But toss in depression and you’ve got a big big mess. The trouble is, if I quit school, I’m not sure I could find a job that would enable me to support myself. If I can’t do that, I’d have to go live with my parents. There are no free psych services near my parents, and their house is a toxic environment anyway.

I don’t even really know what to do with school anyway. Really, I only came to school because it’s the only way out of my parents’ house that I know of. I tried finding a job down here once, and that didn’t work.

Honestly, I feel like a big failure. I haven’t done even 1/4th of the things I wanted to do in life, and it’s passing me by as I sit here.

See, I’m a very direct person, and I don’t understand why the rest of the world isn’t. I don’t always know what I’m doing, and the world isn’t kind to people who don’t know what they’re doing. See, no one in the world out there is kind enough to sit down and explain with you how things are going to work. They just expect you to know, nevermind that you weren’t told. For some reason, you’re expected to have the skills to pick up on unspoken expectations in the work place.

And I… don’t do well with that.

Really, I don’t think I want much out of life: a steady job that allows me to travel. That’s it, really. I want to be able to afford a car so I can travel.

I wonder how much it would cost to rent one for the weekend? Probably cheaper to own one, but if this is my only option…

I am very depressed. And no one really cares. People, for the most part, think that depression is something I can get over by diet, exercise, and positive thinking. All those things have their place, however, depression is a DISEASE people, NOT a feeling! Could we PLEASE in our depression seminars teach people the difference between the two?

Someone from CAMPUs said to call them if I ever needed to talk. I said, “I don’t need someone to talk to, I need someone to DO.” And I told him what I needed done. You know, simple things that you normal people out there take for granted that you have the ability to do:

1. (help) clean my room

2. (help) me do laundry

3. take my ID and bring me food on the days I’m too sick (with depression) to leave the dorm.

4. Snuggle with me for ten minutes.

Ok, so I didn’t mention that last one to the person because he’s a guy.

You wanna know what his asinine response was? “Those are the things you should be doing anyway to make you not depressed.”

What the fuckity FUCK?! Cleaning my room is going to make me not be depressed anymore?

“Yeah, doesn’t it make you forget why you’re depressed?”

“No.”

 

“Really? When I get depressed, I just play basketball.”

“Depression is a DISEASE, not a feeling! You are confusing the two.”

Sooooooo no offers of service there. Whatever. It’s not like I was ever going to call him anyway. People seriously need to be educated. Are you paying attention you stupid day adventists? make a note of that and put it in your precious depression seminars THAT DON’T ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY SICK!

Sundown comes too early. I’d rather have a shorter sabbath on friday and a longer one on saturday. I like having sabbath during the daylight. It feels so unnatural having the sun set at 5. Not like it was really out much today anyway. Gray and overcast and ugly and miserable.

Just like me.

Help Me

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s