The Christmas Post

The Christmas Post
December 25, 2012

And so this is Christmas. I can’t remember the rest of the words, and… I really don’t care. I do love Christmas music though. Tunes such as this one especially:

Jingle bells, pastor smells
youth group really stunk
sabbath school made me drool
and pathfinders got drunk, hey!

And this one:

In the meadow we can build a snowman
and pretend that he’s pastor Counsell
he’ll say are you saved and we’ll say, “no man.”
So he’ll tell us that we’re going to hell!

*clears throat* Anyway, lately, I’ve been thinking about the meaning of Christmas.

No, do NOT try to tell me that “Jesus is the reason for the season!”

Erm, no, sorry, he’s not. If you believe that, go read a history book. A real history book, not one that’s been doctored by Christians wishing to paint a more Christianesque picture of history. Christmas is actually very pagan in origin.

Actually, that’s one of the things that annoys me about the Christmas season: commercialism. I’m not just talking about the type of commercialism that convinces you that you should buy your close family member a “nationwide data plan on a 4G network with 0 down” (they just advertised that on TV). No, Christians commercialize the holiday too. They think that this is better, because they don’t commercialize things. However, they commercialize ideas, such that Christmas is all about Jesus.

Which is fine; if you want Christmas to be all about Jesus for you, be my guest. It’s not for me to say that that is wrong. However, I get really annoyed when you try to insist that it be my reason for the season. That it be everyone else’s reason for the season, and then you capitalize on that to proselytize.

That being said, I have no problem with Christians deciding to celebrate Jesus’ birth (although I can just imagine him sighing and saying, “close enough” when asked if it’s really his birthday. Nevermind the fact that he was born in the spring.) I like sacred Christmas songs just as much as the secular. In fact, when I sing Christmas songs and think about what Jesus did, I fight (or not) the urge to cry.

I just have a problem with those Christians who insist that the rest of the world see Christmas the same way.

After all, you don’t often hear about Jews insisting we keep Hanukkah. Or that the Maccabees are the reason for the season.*

So, if Jesus isn’t the meaning of Christmas for you, Abby, what is Christmas all about to you?

Well, I’ll let you know when I figure it out. Maybe there isn’t only one meaning, at least, not all at once. For now, Christmas is about being with my family. However, there will come a time when I will be unable to go to family get togethers, for one reason or another. My family may become too spread out. I might be traveling too much. Or, something.

My family didn’t celebrate Christmas today. We’re celebrating tomorrow. My cousin hates Christmas. I think I’m the only one in my “family” (grandma, me, cousin, yes we did live together a lot at one point, so we are a family) who loves Christmas.

Sure, it brings out the worst in some people; people getting upset when I wish them happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas (well, not everybody celebrates Christmas) or Merry Christmas instead of happy holidays (because hey, it’s december 24/25/whatever). People (*coughmaybeincludingmecough*) getting way too obsessed over presents (to the point of using pepper spray in the store on black friday, not even *I* am that bad).

But it can also bring out the best in people. It was on the news the other day: this woman bought gift cards at a coffee house and started handing them out to the next 26 people to come through line in memory of the children who died in Sandy. People who buy presents not because they feel they have to, but because they truly want to. People making sure that everyone they know has a place to go for Christmas dinner (including homeless people.) People getting generous, because that’s what the real spirit of Christmas is all about: generosity. Even if a person doesn’t have much money, they can give time. My grandma bakes cookies for everyone. This does cost some money, yes, however, anyone who’s ever baked before will tell you that it costs you more in time, at least if you’re making from scratch.

Jesus gives himself. Santa Claus gives presents. I give things I don’t talk about in public.**  Family members take time to spend with each other (sometimes.)

We all have something to give. I guess, really, that’s what Christmas is all about.

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*To any Jews who might possibly be reading this, I apologize if I get it wrong… me=not literate in Jewish traditions; they don’t teach this sort of thing at SDA schools.

**that sounds really wrong now that I’m re reading it. Oh well. You non sick twisted perverts will know what I mean; if I give anything to charity, I don’t talk about it. Or at least, I talk about it with very few people.

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In Which I Have No Reason to be Down

And yet I am. was talking to a friend this weekend and could barely keep from crying the whole time.

Why Abby? What were you sad about?

Nothing. There is nothing in my life that is that bad. Sure I have problems, and some of them are even big. However, I can’t think of one problem that is big enough to be causing major depression.

Why are you so depressed Abby?

A Chemical imbalance in the brain, I guess. That’s my answer, anyway, and I’m sticking to it.

I have been to counseling and psychological services (hereafter referred to as CAPS.) Things are not moving as fast as I would like, but they are moving. I am finally taking some steps to take care of myself.

It’s too bad none of those steps involve keeping up with my schoolwork. Or forcing myself to try and believe God exists. Truth is, I think I only believe he exists because people keep telling me that. I’m not sure I ever knew it for myself.

See, if a person is told something over and over again for extended periods of time, no matter how wrong it is, that person will come to believe it. This is a scientific fact.

I’m not trying to say God DOESN’T exist, just that, I don’t think I ever knew. Did I ever have my own experience with God? No, I really don’t think I did. I’ve been relying on the experiences of others. Relying on what people have told me vs what God (if he exists) has shown me.

This post was going to be a book review post, but when I started working on it, I ran out of energy before I typed the first sentence.

I did review some books on amazon.  I’m not going to directly link to them, because those reviews are written under my real name, and I don’t wish to have my real name associated with the blog.

I’ve decided to go reread a bunch of books from childhood and see if I still feel the same about them. You can join me on that particular adventure, which will be pretty slow until Christmas break. And that’s pretty much ALL I’ll be doing over Christmas break, yay me!!

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In Which I Mostly Just want To Convince myself Someone is Listening

I don’t want to post my location on a public place. Indeed, I’m halfway disinclined to tell most people from CAMPUS where I am. Of course, that’s probably just me being paranoid.

My Spanish teacher assigns a lot of homework. So much so that I’ve done no homework for any of my other classes, because I have to keep up in this class. Even so, I’m falling behind. It’s hard to motivate yourself to keep going when the mountain looks so enormous you wont get through it. And frankly, you never really wanted to anyway.

If this is the way we do education –loading our students up with busywork so that they’re too busy to actually learn anything– we R doing it RONG!

But that’s really another rant. The point is, I don’t know if I can handle school. Maybe a normal person could handle the homework load. Maybe a normal person could handle the stress. But toss in depression and you’ve got a big big mess. The trouble is, if I quit school, I’m not sure I could find a job that would enable me to support myself. If I can’t do that, I’d have to go live with my parents. There are no free psych services near my parents, and their house is a toxic environment anyway.

I don’t even really know what to do with school anyway. Really, I only came to school because it’s the only way out of my parents’ house that I know of. I tried finding a job down here once, and that didn’t work.

Honestly, I feel like a big failure. I haven’t done even 1/4th of the things I wanted to do in life, and it’s passing me by as I sit here.

See, I’m a very direct person, and I don’t understand why the rest of the world isn’t. I don’t always know what I’m doing, and the world isn’t kind to people who don’t know what they’re doing. See, no one in the world out there is kind enough to sit down and explain with you how things are going to work. They just expect you to know, nevermind that you weren’t told. For some reason, you’re expected to have the skills to pick up on unspoken expectations in the work place.

And I… don’t do well with that.

Really, I don’t think I want much out of life: a steady job that allows me to travel. That’s it, really. I want to be able to afford a car so I can travel.

I wonder how much it would cost to rent one for the weekend? Probably cheaper to own one, but if this is my only option…

I am very depressed. And no one really cares. People, for the most part, think that depression is something I can get over by diet, exercise, and positive thinking. All those things have their place, however, depression is a DISEASE people, NOT a feeling! Could we PLEASE in our depression seminars teach people the difference between the two?

Someone from CAMPUs said to call them if I ever needed to talk. I said, “I don’t need someone to talk to, I need someone to DO.” And I told him what I needed done. You know, simple things that you normal people out there take for granted that you have the ability to do:

1. (help) clean my room

2. (help) me do laundry

3. take my ID and bring me food on the days I’m too sick (with depression) to leave the dorm.

4. Snuggle with me for ten minutes.

Ok, so I didn’t mention that last one to the person because he’s a guy.

You wanna know what his asinine response was? “Those are the things you should be doing anyway to make you not depressed.”

What the fuckity FUCK?! Cleaning my room is going to make me not be depressed anymore?

“Yeah, doesn’t it make you forget why you’re depressed?”

“No.”

 

“Really? When I get depressed, I just play basketball.”

“Depression is a DISEASE, not a feeling! You are confusing the two.”

Sooooooo no offers of service there. Whatever. It’s not like I was ever going to call him anyway. People seriously need to be educated. Are you paying attention you stupid day adventists? make a note of that and put it in your precious depression seminars THAT DON’T ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY SICK!

Sundown comes too early. I’d rather have a shorter sabbath on friday and a longer one on saturday. I like having sabbath during the daylight. It feels so unnatural having the sun set at 5. Not like it was really out much today anyway. Gray and overcast and ugly and miserable.

Just like me.

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