I hesitate to say it was the worst day of my life, because that seems overdramatic, and probably isn’t even all that true. (To do that I’d have to go through all the worst days of my life I’ve ever had, and I just don’t feel like doing that.) But it was definitely the worst day of 2012. Yes, including the days I spent canvassing.
I don’t even want to talk about it, and I REALLY don’t want to talk about what I did afterwards as a way to “relieve the tension.” (There’s a reason I put that in quotes, let she who reads understand.)
That extended into this morning, actually, but I consider it to have been “last night” still because I had not (At 5am) passed through a sleep/wake period of more than 2 or 3 hours.
I still felt awful this morning. And sleep deprived.
I’m spending the night at a friend’s house. Otherwise I wouldn’t even be at church. I’d stay at home and participate in unhealthful activities.
As I was packing my stuff to go to my friend’s house this weekend, I pulled all of the gems out of their various bags and pockets. The rule is that I have to carry at least 2 with me at all (most) all times.
For those who don’t know, these gems are basically pretty stones from a Christian bookstore that say, “trust,” “joy,” “grace,” “be still and know that I am God,” “Lo, I am with you always,” and “friends forever.”
They were a gift from a friend. They are, in a sense, Ebenezers. (For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, and if you are interested, ask me and I’ll tell you and or post about it. I just don’ want to post about it here if there’s no interest.) Though I use the term loosely here, because they might not fit the definition… whatever. Anyway.
Which ones do I want to carry with me today? I thought as I gathered them together on the table. I pulled two stones out of my jacket pocket. Not these, I thought, and went to toss them on the dresser. Not table. There is no table. I pulled out, “grace.” Ok, yes this one. Definitely. I feel like I am in need of God’s grace today.
But I definitely don’t want THIS one, I thought as I pulled out a big burgundy stone labeled, “joy.” I don’t even know why she gave it to me. I’m never joyful. I almost tossed it in with the others, but then I remembered my friend saying, “no, not when you feel joyful, when you feel you need joy.”
I tossed the cards on which my friend wrote what the stones were for into the letter box at my parents’ house, so I pulled out last year’s journal.
“….keep this one with you when you when you want to ‘taste and see that the Lord is good.'”
After reading that, I almost put it down. Nope, don’t feel like tasting the Lord… Quite the opposite, in fact. I’d rather like to leave him for good.
I take Grace and Joy in my hands and sit on the bed as East to West by Casting Crowns plays in the background and cry.
Grace? I know I need that.
Joy? I need that too.
Grace and Joy.