In Which I Realize Something

Something is different this year. The people I felt I could talk to last year aren’t necessarily the same people as I could this year. And then I realized something, the one thing these people all have in common: they went canvassing with me. Those people I can talk to. James, Wyson, Kiana (to an extent), Miriam. (This is excluding people who are not able to be physically present with me, like Callie).

These people were with me through what I consider a “traumatic event.” I think that that is what sealed a kind of bond.

I’ve never felt particularly comfortable with Miriam before. Not because I dislike her or have anything against her, it’s just, I didn’t know her, and so there was an element of distrust there. I still don’t know her very well, and while I don’t feel at this time like I could open up to her, I feel comfortable in her presence.

The reverse is also true. People who I was comfortable with before I’m not so comfortable with now. I decline to mention names lest anyone get offended. These people only have one thing in common: they didn’t canvass with me.

The “with me” part is important. Because these people have canvassed before. It’s just… they never canvassed with me. In my mind they can’t know what I went through because they weren’t there when I was. Which makes no sense.

But it does make sense for me to feel more comfort around Kiana, James, and Wyson. Before canvassing these were not people who I would seek out. These people were there during one of the hardest times of my life. And they were there for me. They were there with me. These people saw me at my worst and they still love me.

Wyson sweeping broken glass off the bathroom floor. Crying together with Kiana at night. James helping me make that phone call, and then being there when hope was dashed. Even Marenda, to an extent. Sitting in the car with her, wanting to cry but wanting to wait, then looking over at her and knowing I was not alone. We both flooded. Even Daniel, knocking on all the doors I missed because I couldn’t stop crying. James dancing on July 31st, opening up to the team, and rejoicing together in victory.

Maybe there’s one exception to this, but for the most part, I’m closer to those I canvassed with. I don’t even need to tell them anything, I can just be around them and not say anything. These people saw me at my worst, and I know they’ll accept me.

It’s the others I worry about. The others who will be put off by my intense irrational anger.

But that’s another post.

This one’s already too long. And too pointless. I think more people read when this was about canvassing stories. I think I’ve lost half my readership now. *sigh* well, I never was very popular.

Help Me

I kinda lost my train of thought, cause I was texting James.

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