In Which I Doubt


So, I’m sitting here in the dark ground floor lounge trying to believe in God’s grace.

You see, today, I did a lot of things. I thought I could keep it under control by turning to Fred. And that did help. It helped me not to cry in front of Marenda and Grace, and also to not lash out at Marenda.

But then I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. I’m actually terribly upset that things aren’t the way they were last year. I don’t believe the changes are good, in fact, they’re rather upsetting. I really really REALLY miss being able to go into Callie’s room and lock the door if I needed to. And because I needed to do that and couldn’t, I lashed out at everybody.

Part of me is sorry that I didn’t just take it out on Fred instead, and part of me is feeling guilty that I ever talked to him at all.

I acted like a small child.

And then, I come back to the dorm, earlier than normal for a saturday night (or at least, it would’ve been earlier than normal if things were the way they were last year. Unfortunately this is probably going to become a new norm.) and I fall in another way. (Not #2, #3, or any issue that has a number….yet.)

And I want to do a bible study and I ask God to be with me? Yeah right.

I did the study anyway.

It was about grace. God’s grace.

Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught[b] in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded[c] us that such should be stoned.[d] But what do You say?”[e] This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.[f]

So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience,[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?[j] Has no one condemned you?”

11 She said, “No one, Lord.”

And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and[k] sin no more.”

Neither do I condemn you. (why does that word have a silent n? whose dumb idea was THAT?! It’s so hard to type.) (Oh and hey, can anyone tell me how to quote properly? all I can get it to do is italicize. TIA)

The woman caught in adultery didn’t even ASK for forgiveness. She didn’t even confess (1 John 1:9, confession is the grounds for forgiveness.) Jesus just… gave it to her.

That’s…. interesting. Moving on.

The pharisees who humiliated and shamed her were exploiting her for their own selfish cause. Their actions were inexcusable, but they weren’t really going after her, they were going after Jesus. See, this was their trap to put Jesus to death. If he didn’t stone the woman, they could claim he didn’t care about the law. But if he DID stone the woman, they could say that he was just as legalistic as they were, and that God had no grace. By doing what he did, Jesus showed that Grace and Justice CAN be mingled.

They didn’t care about the woman. The point was not to shame and humiliate her. They just wanted to entrap Jesus. Nevertheless, they didn’t care if the woman got in the way. To them, she was like the cheese in the mousetrap. The mouse eats the cheese, and falls into the trap. It sucks for poor little mousey, but the innocent cheese also gets eaten.

And this is what Satan does too. He attacks us not so much to hurt us, but to hurt Jesus. Because hurting us is pretty much the only way he has left of doing that.

That was my observation, not really one the study went into.

Satan wants to use me to hurt Jesus, and I let him do it almost every single day. Every time I fail, every time I let anger get ahold of me… I know what I need to do, why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just reach for help? Not just the help of a savior, but the help of a professional?

Does Jesus still love me? Can he love me? Sebastien and Candis don’t think I’m a scar person. They said that today (though I think their daughter might feel differently.) If they knew what I’ve done, would they still think like this? Or would they snatch their baby from my arms as you would from the lion’s jaws?

Can Jesus love me? Can He ever forget? I know somewhere in the bible it says that he “remembers our sin no more” and “puts our sins upon the ocean floor.” Do you know how deep that is? Neither do scientists.

I know Jesus loves me. But I can’t make myself believe it. I can’t make myself believe that he would just give ME grace after what I’ve done.

I’m tring to become free of something (#2), and all the muck is rising to the surface. That’s why I’m so angry all the time. That’s why I keep sinning over and over again.

God gives grace freely. I need to accept that. I need to just get over this and accept that God can love me and forgive me, and that maybe, just maybe, he could make me into….well, something I’ve decided I really don’t want to be anymore, so nevermind. But, it would be nice to know that I could, if I wanted to.

It wasn’t so much the sermon that sank in today. To be honest, I’m not even sure what Sebastien’s point was. It didn’t even occur to me to go ask him. MaybeI’ll shoot him an email, if he has time for it. Something about the holy spirit, and a bunh of greek words.

I had to leave the sermon at one point because of hyperhidrosis: the rags that I wear under my arms got soaked and needed to be changed. And then I got distracted by the baby.

Back to my post, um, what was my point again?So, the things taht impacted me toay:

Christ’s Object Lessons (you all must read this): Parable of the mustard seed. The seed represents the kingdom of God, and the work he does in our hearts. Mustard seed is SMALL. I remember looking at my mom’s mustard seed as a small child and thinking, “wow, that’s tiny!” (I didn’t know at the time that it was GROUND mustard seed, which might’ve compounded the problem. Also, I kept asking to see the ketchup seed. Heh. Kids those days.)

Anyway, the point is that the least of all seeds grows up to become the greatest of all herbs.

The first time I read that chapter I remember thinking, “gosh I wish I had the internet so I could google mustard plants.”

Now I thought, “hey, I have internet, I should google mustard plants.”

Go google it. I’ll wait.

Back yet? Some of the pictures weren’t much, were they? But some of them were like, “whoa!” weren’t they? Yeah. Just one drop of God’s Grace can do THAT. Wow. Amazing.

If I could just surrender to God and love him….he could do dthat for ME.

Why can’t I?

Book I’m rreading:
Today instead of going in to hear more pointless testimonies, I read from a book. I’ll review it later. I was basically really blessed by what I read today.

You know what, I should be grading my spanish essay. Well lla la la I don’t care. I’ll do it int he morning after field school. YEs I’m still going to field school even though it’s effort.


um, yeah. Sorry. I’ll over the place now. No condition to write anything.

But, why do I harden my heart? Why do I push away God’s Grace? If I told someone, anyone, what I was going through, would they still love me? Would they help me as best they could?

The lines from a son by CAsting Crowns keeps playing hrough my head:

would it set me free

if I dared to let you see

the truth behind the person

that you imagine me to be?


and would your arms be open

would you walk away

would the love of Jesus

be enough to make you stay?

STained Glass MAsquerade –casting Crowns.


I do not feel like it would be a good idea to tell my testimony in front of teh whole church at this time. But waht if I could be more open about my struggle? Would I find love and acceptance? I feel like I don’t find that now. But is that because I’m angry all the time because I am dealing wtih this? IF I were to open up, jut a crack, would IF ind love, acceptance?

More importantly, if I opened up to God, would I find HIM open? Would I find acceptance from him, or more condemnation?

I’ve rambeld enough. So sorry. It’s because I sinned.

Help Me




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