In Which I Reflect

October 16, 2012

I just need to get a new journal for this bible study I’m doing. But…. that would require money, which I haven’t checked, but I’m not sure I really have right now. And I still need to make monthly payments.

0 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:10

Godly sorrow brings repentance, but worldly sorrow brings about death. The biblical definition of repentance (1 Peter 3:10-11) is to turn from sin, and start doing good. True repentance as defined in the bible is doing a 180. It’s a Bad Abby(c) becoming a Good Abby(c).

I suffer under such a weight of guilt. Almost every thing I do I find something to feel guilty about. Quite often, I will feel guilty no matter WHAT I do, and so I pick the thing that I would lIKE to do because if I’m going to feel guilty about it anyway, why not do what I want?

And then I feel guilty about THAT.

I’ve thought about leaving religion altogether because I can’t stand the weight of the guilt. I can’t stand the thought of a heavenly sky daddy looking down at me and shaking his head, because I didn’t pick The Right Option(tm).

All this guilt has, I think, been a huge part of the recent depression I’m experiencing. (But not all of it. There’s at least one other factor I just realized is involved, but that’s another post.)

This guilt I’m experiencing… what if it’s not coming from God? What if the guilt I’m feeling is stemming out of sorrow for sin, but not genuine repentance?

If I could genuinely repent, if I could truly love God enough to be sorry for my sins for the right reasons, would I be able to pull myself out? Would I be able to be happy? would the depression go away?

Or would it be the same?

Help Me

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