September 28, 2012
I might copy and paste this and email it to people who don’t have the url.
But I wanted to make… a sort of apology.I have been so… negative and snappy lately. Some of my complaints are valid, some are not.
I can understand the… reluctance to be around me in light of this, but… maybe if I explained it would help? Or do you not want to hear it? You have a choice. You can keep reading, or stop.
You see, I usually deal with problems by doing unhealthy things. I do not want to state on a public blog what those things are, and some of you already know. God has been telling me I need to give up these things. And I have been trying really hard to not do them.
And that brings consequences. Because I have not developed healthy coping mechanisms, I don’t know how to function now. All I know how to do is unhealthy stuff, and because of that I get incredibly moody over the stupidest things.
I don’t like to make excuses, that is not the point here. But, it’s probably going to continue until I figure out better things.
So, what do I want from you?
well, depending on your view of things, a lot.
1. you could ask something like, “is this a real problem for you Abby?” I’m usually pretty honest about answering this one. Ok, always honest, because I grew up reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
2. hug me. This one probably goes more for the girls reading this than guys (oh who am I fooling, no guys read this anyway) but… you could like, hug me… and not pull away so quickly… just hold me for a while…
3. take time to listen. It really does make a difference. I mean, sure I might spend the next 5 minutes bitching about how much my life sucks, but, if left to my own devices, I’ll probably end up saying something like, “Well, you know, this week wasn’t ALL bad…” without you having to nag me. And I guess that’s the next one.
4. Don’t nag. Please don’t nag. Getting better is not going to happen fast.
5. Does anyone want to go with me to psychological services? No, I thought not. That’s ok. I’m not bothered.
So…. yeah. I feel like I’ve been an absolute b!$%# lately, and, I do apologize. If I was allowing myself to do unhealthy things, I could be in so much better of a mood. But, that’s not what God is calling for. I feel so ashamed of my behavior, but I really don’t know how to…. make it better I guess.
I should be in bed, but I wanted to check some stuff first, pertaining to me possibly skipping church tomorrow. We’ll see. I really don’t feel like going. I especially feel like vespers is totally useless. I keep waiting for someone to tell a testimony that’s even remotely close to mine (ok, more than remotely, I’m looking for specifics) but of course no one has, and if they do, they wouldn’t speak up about it. The first issue I wish to be mentioned just isn’t common. Not a lot of people who leave the church end up in Candyland. Actually, I believe the exact number is: 1. Me. The other issue is kinda sorta common, but no one ever talks about it. But that could be anything, really.