I was going to be blogging about books, but I’m about ready to explode with rage.
To start with, I am SO done with this whole school thing. It’s been 4 years. Four fuckin years of not knowing whether I’ll be able to go to school or not and not really knowing what I want to do with my life anyway. Actually that’s not true, I have some ideas, but every time I come up with one someone (usually my dad) pops up to tell me why I shouldn’t do it. (It’s a hard field to get into, it’s not a stable job… etc.) I hate the way the system works: homework, tests, grades. I think that it is your job to teach me something, and if you have to assign homework to do that, you’re not doing your job properly. Teach me in class, dammit. The rest of it should be MY time.
Secondly, I have applied for jobs, WHY THE FUCK WON’T ANYONE FUCKIN HIRE ME ALREADY? Good Lord, I’m going to have to leave school soon if something doesn’t come up. I’ve applied to enough places, why the fuck does no one hire me? I’m seriously about to explode. I need a job so I can stop being a burden to my parents (yes, my dad does think that, I’ve heard him say it) pay for school, move out on my own, and just generally get along in the real world.
thirdly… ok there is no thirdly. That’s all, I guess.
Here’s the thing, when I converted again back in 2010 (January thereof) I did it because I thought God could help me with a certain issue (#2.) That has… not happened. Sometimes it’s my fault, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I truly do have no control, and sometimes I only THINK I don’t have control. Sometimes I can’t even tell whether I had afterward or not. That’s the one I hate most, I think, when I can’t tell. It’s quite the mind whammy.
The point is: it hasn’t stopped. The entire reason I started following Jesus… hasn’t happened. After a while I found I could look beyond that. “But if I stick with Jesus,” I reasoned, “I’ll be happy. He’ll make me better. He’ll heal me. He’ll help me…”
None of that has happened.
2 years, and I still don’t love Jesus. 2 years of desperately trying to love him and surrender my life to him and… I don’t know why it won’t work. I really really do not. I literally have no control over it. And that’s… depressing.
And then there’s the guilt. Oh God is there ever guilt! I’m not sure she means to, but EGW really portrays God as… well, a bit of a dick. A strict, hateful tyrant, quite different from that guy from the biblical gospels (aside from the old testament perhaps.)
Here is a list of things I feel guilty for. Half of them I have no idea if they’re even sinful, or remotely wrong in the least. I mean, come on, is it REALLY a sin to watch secular movies/listen to secular music on occasion?
1. Watching secular movies
2. reading secular books
3. listening to secular music (I feel less guilty about this because most christian music I know of is funeral dirgy)
4. spending money on dolls (this is ridiculous, because I don’t spend THAT much money on them, and only once a year, and charitable contributions and tithe come first…but because dolls are expensive, I feel guilty)
5. That I don’t have a job (my dad made it clear that I’m a burden to them)
6. Anytime I spend money on something I don’t absolutely need that is not a life or death matter (which is, pretty much, almost everything.) (I think I’d feel less guilty about this one if I actually had a job.)
7.Not wanting to give bible studies (because I believe, truly, that Jesus has told me not to, but James said Jesus told him the opposite. What if he’s right and I’m wrong and then I have to feel guilty, but what if I’m right and he’s wrong and then I feel guilty?)
8. wanting to give bible studies (for all the wrong reasons: selfishness, pride, look at me! iz so gud, i can give bibel studeez!11!1!!!1
9. Going to school (spending a lot of my parents money)
10. Going to school (student debt)
11. but I felt guilty when I didn’t go to school (because then I’m not doing anything productive, especially if I also can’t find a job.)
12. Working on the sabbath (the only job I’ve really had in awhile, babysitting, hey, the kid’s cute.)
13. Not wanting to put offering in the offering plate because I don’t like the options for the Michigan conference to spend it on; I’d rather put my offering into charitable organizations that actually DO something to help people, not build more unnecessary buildings at camp au sable. (Is this really wrong from a biblical perspective? Anyone?) (And yes, I know the typical argument for this is, “well, DO you give to these organizations then?” yes, actually, I do, so stuff it.)
15. not eating
16. buying any food item that is not necessary to sustain my life
18. staying up too late
19. not getting up early (nevermind the fact that my body just doesn’t work that way.)
20. Not reading the bible enough
21. Reading the bible too much and not getting anything out of it
22. not putting in any effort to make any real friends (then I’m being avoidant)
23. putting in effort to make close friends (I can not have close friends right now. Not till I get better.)
24. living in this expensive dorm room my parents can’t afford
25. enjoying living in this expensive dorm room my parents can’t afford (with the exception of the internet still not working)
26. I don’t love Jesus
27. wanting to do the activities on Friday night that everyone else gets to do because they don’t have “the truth” about the sabbath.
28. feeling like I don’t donate enough to “the cause of God” whatever that is supposed to mean.
29. being assertive and setting boundaries (because people usually yell at me when I do)
30. saying that I’m an Adventist (this is a lie, but sometimes I really don’t know how else to explain things)
31. saying that I’m not an Adventist (this is the truth, but I feel guilty because then that confuses other non sda people, plus it makes certain others on Planet Adventist (not generally with CAMPUS people) look down on me.
I’m sure I’m forgetting about 20 thousand more. But do you see what I’m getting at here? I feel nothing but guilt, and this, I believe, is in part what is causing me to have been depressed a lot as of late. I am actually considering leaving Christianity in general because I can’t stand all this. The rest of the world gets to do all these things without feeling insufferably guilty, why can’t I?
Is it just because I’m surrounded by the super conservatives that I feel this way? Most Adventists think it’s no problem to watch a secular movie once in a while (and most watch one more than “once in a while”)
shoot. It’s late. I need to eat now and I need to eat fast or I will et to class late. I hope she doesn’t want us to turn int he essay because I didn’t get a chance to print it out and I totally forgot about it over the weekend. I always forget these things! Even if I wrote them down, I forget to look at them! *sigh* it’s always been like this. what can I do?