In Which I Rant ll (or is it lll? llllllllllll? I give up.)

It’s been kinda quiet for a while because nothing interesting is happening. Or maybe after a summer of canvassing I just have a different definition of what’s interesting.

I need prayer. I need to find a job or I lose work study, and work study is probably a large part of the reason why I can afford this. I need to talk to SOMEONE, and it can’t be my parents, because my dad and I got into an argument about whether REDACTED or REDACTED is cheaper (they’re the same price, my dad is just too stubborn to admit it. He doesn’t count car repair and gas money when factoring in the cost.) But I really do feel like I’m being ripped off.

By the time I was able to get dad to listen and give me the $$ for my housing application, the only rooms left were single rooms. Financial aid does not cover the difference, and we really can’t afford it. So, I’m paying through the nose to live in this room, I should get internet, right? Wrong! There’s no school wifi in the whole building. I have to use an ethernet cord and get my own router. Well, we plugged in the ethernet cable and it still wont’ work. Justin says it is a good cable, and he is very impatient and hasn’t wanted to help me, and he’s too busy at the moment anyway. So I have to figure out who I talk to to get working internet.

My German textbook is $222. I am seriously considering dropping that class because that is a LOT. and last year when I tried to sell back my textbooks to the school, they wouldn’t take them because they said the teachers hadn’t gotten their acts together and decided which books they were using. I am scared of spending $222 on a textbook and being totally unable to get it back. Plus I have to have the website for it, so I can’t just buy a used one for cheap without it.

I seriously feel like I am being ripped off. By the school, and the textbook companies, by life, by God.

Part of the reason that canvassing has been my first job in whatever 12-7 years is, is because of the economy. Another part is my lack of social skills. It’s gotten very competitive out there, and I’m just not competitive. I don’t even like contests where you have to win to get a prize. I’m the type of person that stays out of those games entirely, because I’d rather just give everyone a prize and have everybody be happy, or have no prizes and just have it be fun.

And… having no social skills doesn’t help with a bad economy.  I thought canvassing would help with that, but, it hasn’t. I’m TERRIFIED to approach people later when I turn in job applications. I was terrified of people at the job fair. I was terrified when that lady called me and talked to me on the phone (I think it was a phone interview, and it did not go well).

I’ve heard other people say that being unemployed was such a blessing because they learned to depend on God. I hate these people. These are the people who have never been unemployed longer than 2 years. Most of them no longer than one. My losing streak has lasted….5 years.

If I don’t get a job, the money I earned from canvassing will not be enough. I might as well just shoot myself, because apparently I am not capable of living in the real world and being able to support myself. I am terrified that I am just going to be dependent on my parents all my life. Which isn’t going to work, because they are going to die before I do. (At least, that’s the natural order of things, I guess something could happen to botch that up, and honestly, I hope it does.)

And I came to God to get rid of one thing. Only Jacq and Callie know waht that is. It’s not going away. I’m not posting any more details, but it’s not really always in my control 100% of the time. (If you think you know what I’m talking about, fine, keep it to yourself). If God is not taking away that which I came to him to take away in the first place, what the hell is the point in sticking with him? There just… isn’t one. I have not found life more fulfilling, or happy. In fact I’ve found it harder. I feel guilty all the time. Every single thing I do I feel guilty about, becuse even if it’s a good thing, it’s for the wrong reasons. I feel guilty 24/7 because I don’t love Jesus. I do not feel like I have more reasons for living, I feel like I have… about the same reasons I had before, actually. Reason being that, as terrified as I am that I’m just one of those duds who won’t make it in life, I’m even more scared of facing a judgement.

And I hate that. Because, I mean, I hate that sorry excuse for an argument for following God. I don’t know the name of it, but it goes something like, “well, you should be a Christian anyway, just in case God is real, that way, you won’t go to hell. And if he’s not real, you haven’t really lost anything.” (That’s not the exact phraseology, but you get the point)

Are these people STUPID?

1. These are the very same people who will tell you that God requires you to surrender your life to him, so of course if he’s not real you’ve lost everything and gained nothing

2. If that’s the logic, then why not apply the same to, er, Buddha? Or…. what’s the name of all those Hindu Gods? Or Allah? You could apply that logic to ANY religion.

I’m not trying to argue against the existence of God. Really. I’m just… arguing against stupid “logic” that isn’t really logic at all and isn’t going to convince an atheist squat.

Why the fuck was I even created? Lemme give you an overview of my life:

1. verbally abused as a child (by parent)

2. emotionally abused as a child (by parent)

3. emotionally and verbally abused as a child (by seventh day adventist school students)

4. emotionally and verbally abused as teenager (by public school students this time)

5. Being emotionally and verbally abusive as an adult (because that’s the only way I learned to function)

6. being emotionally unstable and manipulative and clingy (because, again, this is what the adults around me modeled. I didn’t realize it till recently that my dad is EXTREMELY manipulative, and his moods are VERY unstable.)

7. Being unable to find a job and support myself. Overhearing my father complain about what a burden I am and how I’m a bitch and bla bla bla bla. More verbal and emotional abuse.

8. Wasting money on a college degree that, according to some people, is going to get me nowhere.

You know what REALLY bothers me? If I was some kind of crack addict or a whore, I could get help. There are people out there who are willing to hire these types of people in order to help them. And these are good things. I’m not saying we don’t need them, but…. what if these people were helped BEFORE they became whores/addicts? What if there were people out there who’d help someone like me BEFORE they “went wrong?”

This is not an original thought actually. I mean, it was, but not in those words. I read about it in a book. I’m not going to post which book at the moment because it’s a fiction novel and you’d probably roll your eyes.

But the book does have a point. When COUSIN and I were young enough to still need our parents info for fafsa, we discovered that our other cousin, REDACTED got to go to school 100% for free.

Reason being? She’d had a baby out of wedlock. THAT’S what REDACTED and I did wrong: we didn’t sleep around, we didn’t get pregnant. We didn’t do enough drugs, either.

I’m not saying pregnant women SHOULDN’T go to school for free, because, even though REDACTED’s never talked with me about it personally, I’m guessing that her life has been HARD.

It’s just too bad there’s not some special “scholarship for women who never got pregnant.”

I don’t even know if it’s worth going through school. If I don’t have the social skills to get a job at the local fast food joint, how am I going to have the skills to get me a REAL job?

I can’t even figure out which real job I’d like to do. I want a job where I wouldn’t have to work with people at all, but I can’t think of any sort of job that does that. Even my dad’s job requires a lot of people skills. And he….mostly sits behind a computer all day. Other details redacted.

I feel better, now that I’ve typed all that out. I’m sorry. I just needed to fool myself into thinking that someone was listening. I probably wont’ do any of the things I’ve threatened on this blog. I’ll probably continue slogging through life. If I lose work study, I’ll have to leave. Maybe God would do that because he does not want me involved in ministry, and that’s fine. If James won’t listen to God or me, God will remove me from James.

I’ll probably continue chasing this rainbow of happiness that God has promised. Any voice of dissent (“well, if I didn’t have to follow God I could at least STEAL what I needed.”) will be crushed. I will stay in this role in which James is forcing me as someone who gives bible studies, knowing that I’m not ready, my heart isn’t in it, and feeling so guilty because of that that I just want to die.

My next post will be more upbeat. Or at least, less depressing. I promise. I feel like I need to include something positive in this miserable post. The positive thing is: At least I DID get a job this summer. Even if I never do it again (Please God, no!) and even if I hated it (and don’t get any good references for a future job) I still have more money now than I’ve ever had in my life.

And… I didn’t make the least amount of money. I told James I was sure I had, and he said I’d made more than he was expecting (not that much more) but that N was actually the lowest seller. (Actually it was either her or W*, he couldn’t remember which.) He said it was because N was hurt and unable to work most of the time and only came the third week.

“but that’s not possible” I said, “she bragged all the time about how much money she made and how many books she sold. And she wasn’t off work for THAT long.”

“Abby, she wasn’t having 14 book days.”

“Really? After all that bragging, she’s no John L—–?”*

There’s a solemn warning in this. The one who bragged the most made the least. Pride goeth before a fall. Oh Lord, help me not to get proud.

Which is the REAL reason I think James should not shove me into doing bible studies….

I need to find a therapist.

Help Me

*Name has been withheld for privacy issues.

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