Today was my last day of canvassing. Gott. Sei. Dank. I thought I would feel elated after this, accomplished. Like I could take on anything.
I feel like a deflated balloon the day after a little kid’s birthday party.
I can’t even say why I feel this way.
I made it to the end, but for what? I wasn’t able to keep my feelings inside me enough, so I doubt I’ll be getting any good references for future jobs. I didn’t sell a whole lot of books, so I won’t be getting enough money for a car, braces, or anything more than textbooks. I thought I could learn to love God here. Develop a relationship with Him. I thought I would come back from this summer rock solid.
I’m not. I’m still the same person I was going in.
I don’t love God. Half the time I wasn’t even faithful. I’m glad I went and had these experiences, but I hope God never calls me to do this again. If he does, it will be an adults only program. Or perhaps I would do it independently. But probably not. Much as I grew to tolerate canvassing, this is not my niche. I’ve discovered that, at least, and it was worth taking ten weeks out of my life to figure that out.
We’ll get more into this in depth later, along with a backlog of canvassing experienes, if I can even remember them by now. Sigh. This is what happens when you get behind on your journaling.
I bought James a present. He’ll get it tomorrow, along with the url for this blog. If he wishes, he can read it. Wyson can read it. Then they will know… well, they’ll know what I wrote.
For now, I am simply going to say: I’m so glad we’re not canvassing tomorrow! Kamil said we had to, but James put his foot down. I mean, without giving away location, we have a 9 hour drive tomorrow. Now that’s not factoring in a lunch break, nor the time it will take to drop me off at my parents’ house in M. In order to be at the retreat at a reasonable time, we would have to leave at 6 o’clock in the morning, meaning we’d have to get UP at 4 or 5… I’m not sure why Kamil thought that was doable. It makes sense for Joana’s group, she’s only got a 4-5 hour drive. 2-3 hours of canvassing could fit in there, along with a lunch break, and still have time to get there. But for The other 3 groups… not so much.
Actually, I don’t know where Jeandra’s group went. I’m just assuming on that one.
And now I’d better either come up with something good to say, or shut up.