Due to computer issues, this isn’t going to be a very good blog post. I had it all typed out in my computer journal, but then my computer started having issues. The keyboard and mouse are having difficulties. Certain keys don’t even work, and sometimes the computer just types in random apostraphes. I am currently unable to type the following letters: I, M, U, and probably others that I haven’t noticed yet because I’ve given up trying. I’m typing this on my dad’s company computer, which has its own set of issues (it took me a good 30 minutes to try and find out how to disable a password on windows 7, because the password only worked every 5th or 7th time you typed it, regardless of how correct it was.)
My journal is password protected on my computer, and the password has the letter I, so I can’t get into half my files. So, the following post will be rather discombobulated. Apologies. If you don’t like it, feel free to go read someone else’s blog.
When we left REDACTED to go on satellites for the last time, some of us never to return, we all hugged each other. I was kind of surprised when Jeandra hugged me. No, that’s not true, I’m surprised I LET her.We talked more than just this, but I’ll leave most contents private. The thing that I’m going to zero in on is when she said, “don’t ever forget what you learned here at canvassing.”
And, I’m sure the world is dying to know: What HAS Abby Snow learned? Let’s make a list:
1. I am selfish. horribly vile and selfish.
2. I serve the Lord out of fear, not love. And I don’t know how to change that.
3. That thing I wanted to do that summer after I converted, the summer of 2010 I believe it was, would not have been a good thing. I am glad God did not let me do it.
4. I should not be involved in Ministry. At all. I want the next word to be forever, but a more accurate phrase would be “until such a time as I love God and have things sorted out as far as that goes.”
I did a worship talk last monday. I thought I would escape the summer without having to give one, because some students gave one 5 times, but I never did. Even in my first satellite group, I never did one. I was wildly angry and jealous at first, but then I decided that I didn’t want to do one anyway. I mean, I usually fall asleep during worship, why detract from nap time?
James decided to change all that. He decided I was doing a worship talk on Monday and that’s final.
It was awful. I didn’t have a point until 5 minutes before the opening prayer (if that) and I stumbled through it in 10 minutes. Did I even take ten minutes? I’m really not sure.
Afterward James got all excited. “Yeah! You’re going to lead Wensdays 5 times next year! And we’re going to have you giving bible studies. There’s a real need for females to give studies at REDACTED University….oh and you can preach the SERMON!”
I am not sure if he was serious about any of this, or if he was just being James. I hope that he was just being James, because if canvassing has taught me ANYTHING, it’s that having me in any form of ministry is a Really Bad Idea tm.
5. What you do affects the team. I learned this not just from Sheena, but from my own mistakes. The time I jumped in the lake comes to mind, and the seat was wet for the next 3 days.
6. Getting mental help is going to be hader than I thought. Two weeks ago, James helped me call the person REDACTED (through Callie) recommended I call…back in February. REDACTED recommended her because apparently she’s worked with a lot of people with this problem before, but when I talked to her she said it was beyond the scope of her training. I don’t blame the woman for this, at all. I blame REDACTED for somehow not knowing this AND apparently he had called her before too.
Sooooooooo I kind of don’t know what to do now. But one thing I did learn, actually this should be number
7. Is that I want to get better. I HAVE to get better. I can not and will not live like this much longer. I am going to do everything I know to get help, but if that doesn’t work…. it will work, it has to.
8. 10% Benzoyl Peroxide works magic on getting stains from the clothing out of vinyl dolls.
9. I think I learned a little bit about canvassing
10. Sin is a problem, and it needs to go away. If it weren’t for sin, I wouldn’t have even had to BE canvassing.
11. Canvassing is not my niche. I ohpe God never makes me do it again. It probably doesn’t matter, because Kamil would probably not LET me come back another year, but I am totally ok with that.
12. The Great Controversy is a slow, boring book, but only in the middle. The parts I’m on now are actually very interesting. This book is interesting. A lot of Ellen White books are interesting. Christ’s Object Lessons, Desire of Ages, Thoughts from the Mount Of Blessing, even some parts of education were interesting. And I can’t wait to read all of them.
13. I learned that there are some people at canvassing who actually care what happens to me. It surprised me that James helped me make that call, and that, one day, for one fleeting moment, he was concerned about what I was doing down there in the basement. (“You were praying. That is what you were doing down there, right?”) Hearing from multiple people that Kiana was worried about me. Daniel Benson pounding on the bathroom door saying, “it doesn’t sound like you’re ok.” Crying repeatedly into mom Ann’s shoulder and instead of getting frustrated, she was patient with me. Coming back from campmeeting to a chorus of “Abby, we missed you!” and wondering why, especially when I hadn’t given them a moment’s thought. Wyson sweeping broken glass off the bathroom floor. Who was I talking to when I promised I wasn’t going to kill myself? I don’t remember. Not everyone at canvasing was like this, but at least a good 5 people cared whether or not I was ok.
14. I have a cousin named REDACTED, and I like him. (as a friend, I mean.)
12. I can’t do anything. I knew this before, but I REALLY know it now. In fact, maybe therein lies the REAL triumph of surviving the entire 10 weeks:knowing that God brought me through it. And if He can bring me through that, he can bring me through anything.