July 25, 2012
so, yesterday I had a post written out with what you all really wanted to read about: canvassing experiences!
But today’s post will be different, and so things might get posted out of order, because this stuff I need to write.
Haven’t had a lot of experiences int he field lately anyway. It’s been rather dry.
Basically…. before coming here, I knew that this experience could either make me, or break me. I was determined that it would be the former. Unfortunately it seems to be doing the latter. I feel like Callie’s Samantha doll: broken in pieces with the stuffing ripped out. Flawed, and everyone knows it (because everyone has seen the disembodied doll on my desk. They think I’m creepy.) I feel like all my faults, all my flaws, have been ripped open and exposed, not only to me but to everyone around me.
What have I learned from canvassing so far? I learned I’m dirty, rotten, evil, wicked, selfish, selfish, selfish, that I don’t love Jesus and I don’t even know if I can call myself a Christian.
I thought I could learn to love Jesus doing this. Is something wrong with me? Is my heart just too cemented in stone that it can’t be fleshified? When I stepped close to The Point of No Return, did I actually cross that line? Is all this effort in vain because I’m damned anyway because… Candyland? Because of how hard my heart was, is it even POSSIBLE to soften it?
I have been taking a good long hard look at myself. Canvassing is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Yet I’m working for the Lord. If following Jesus is this hard… and keep in mind that “hard” is not really a strong enough word…. maybe I do not want to follow Jesus at all?
No, that didn’t come out right, let me explain. I hate canvassing. The people here who sincerely love Jesus love canvassing. And they don’t mind working all day to reach a goal when the reward already is no longer possible. They don’t take into consideration whether or not goals are possible to reach in time to partake of the promised reward, because they believe God can and will do anything. Am I bad and wicked and evil to believe that, even though God can and will do anything, goals should still be within reach (though still a stretch)?
Yesterday we reached our goal and had the rest of the day off. And about 4 people decided that, with their time off, they wanted to…. go canvassing. I seriously admire that. I really do. And I wish I felt the same way but I don’t. Am I bad and horrible because I’ve been wanting a day off all week?
I still feel like this isn’t coming out right.
I serve God out of fear. I learned this, but it doesn’t mean I can magically start loving Him.
I am a fair weather christian, if you could even call me christian at all. I wish I could be different, but I’m not, and I have been begging God to change me but he hasn’t. I don’t know if he CAN until I develop some sort of love for him.
I might as well just stop there because my thoughts are not translating well to paper. I’ll just put it this way: I’ve tried to convert so many times, tried to surrender, relied on God to do so, etc. I don’t know what makes it work for others and not me, but it doesn’t. I don’t want to do this if I can’t go all the way. I’m seriously thinking of just ditching Christianity and going back to….
Well, I’m not quite sure yet, but I know one thing as sure as I know that the sky is blue, the grass is green (or brown, depending on the rainfall) and the sun rises in the east and sets in the west and that the stars don’t move through space, we do: I do not want to live like this anymore. It just isn’t worth it.