In Which I Come To A Realization

Yesterday was a Bad Day. I was literally crying in between houses. Jeandra was ground leading with me at one point and gave out an HD, saying, “you have donations to cover it, right?” And it was at that point that I realized: I had nothing. Usually if I don’t get any books out, I at least get donations, or HDs. With horror, I realized that I had NOTHING in my wallet. Absolutely nothing.

And then I started crying again. Now, the usual way the thoughts go is, “I can’t do this I hate this I’m not a people person why did I think I can do this I’m terrible I hate everybody I want to go home[For the weekend, I mean, not as in leaving the program].”

And then I realized: no, I don’t.  Hate it, I mean. Canvassing is not my favorite thing to do in the world. And I wouldn’t really know it yet because I’ve never really done any other form of it, but it’s probably not even going to be my favorite form of ministry. I do not love canvassing. But I have reached the point where I do not hate it.

Do I like canvassing? That remains to be seen. Maybe.

I do not think I could handle another summer of doing this, but… I do want to do this again. I think there’s a two week program in the spring, maybe I’ll sign up for that one (if Kamil lets me, after almost kicking me out.) Or maybe I’ll take a few weeks off of my real job next summer (if God GIVES me a real job) and go canvassing for 3 weeks. Apparently the program is more flexible than I thought: there are a lot of people who aren’t staying the whole time for this that and the other reason. We’ll see what I’m allowed to do.

Because I did address it at the beginning, I did get some donations to cover the HD. And the Lord even permitted me to get out two books. I decided to tell my leaders at the end of the day that, “God finally gave me enough money that I can actually do a TOPSHEET!”

Two books are better than zero.

Yesterday was bad. My attitude about it was worse. Pray for me. Please.

Help Me

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