Yesterday, we had half a day off. We worked in the “morning” (read: before 4pm) and had the “afternoon” (read: after 4pm) off. To do this, we had to sell a certain amount of Great Controversys. A lot of them did go out. I forget the exact number, though. Afterwards, we hit a beach, except it was a gross mucky smelly beach, so we played in the children’s sprinkler system thingy, and that was fun.it was a good day.
But.. I did a bad thing. Well, maybe not, I’m not really sure. I didn’t exactly LIE you see, just stretched the truth a little.
At the beginning of the summer, I was super bad at lying, and I tried to avoid it. But since then I’ve felt almost like Lyingis a necessity.
With Joanna, I desperately wished i could lie so I wouldn’t have Togo to the gas station. But you can’t make money appear to cover the books you lie about selling.
And then I lied to Jeandra because K was there, and I was terrified to tell them I chickened out because they want me Togo home anyways. I just got so.. SCARED. When JeNdra asked me how canvassing the salvation army went, I just said I canvassed the employees. How could I tell her I only had enough guts to canvass the teddy bears?
Thee was a way I could e stayed at cm later too, bu it would’ve involved tryingto deceive Wyson. Which I only didn’t Attempt to do because my other mother as leaving shortly after I was.
I should go be I time for lights out for once. Another bad habit I’m developing. I used to be super punctual, and now… I’m late for almost everything.
And sometimes I skip houses because I don’t feel like it. I’m so tired and I just want this DONE.
And… I can feel myself turning into a saleswoman. I want to be a soulswoman. Yet I’m not really sure how to do that. I only know how to do what I’m told, and half the time I and even do that.
Why did God bring me here? I want him to change me. I keep asking, why why doesn’t he?
I still don’t love God, and I still don’t love others. I dot think Gid is happy wih me right now. I am not doing this with my might like i promised. I am not happy at the direction my morals are going. How can God bless me of I’m dishonest?
I discovered something else, too. Canvassing is becoming rutine. In a way I like that, becaus its easier and I do t get so scared a the time. In another way I hate it: I’d it’s just a rutine to be repeated at the next door and the next and the next, his on earth am I going to reach people? Cuz when I see things as rutine, that’s when my focus drops from God.
I need prayer. I need help. I need sleep. I’m on time for curfew. Mark this day on the calendar.