In Which Many Tears are Shed

So, I’m going to start with last night, because I wanted to blog about that this morning, but, as you all will see, my time was taken up with…. other things.

Last night, I did not want to go in for curfew. This in and of itself is not usual. However, really, part of me just wanted someone to talk to, someone who would listen to me and take me seriously.I was also very angry about…something. Don’t remember what. Doesn’t seem to matter now. Not after today.

I was trying to talk to Wyson, but I kept getting interrupted. And then…. I’m not sure if I should post the name  or not, as I’m not sure if confidentiality is an issue. Ok just got permission. Anyway Kiana called me back in. “You should come back, I miss you.” And I was mad, because, here I am trying to talk to somebody, and she’s calling me away just so I can be in the room for God knows whatever reason. To make this short (bcause I’m already late and with all I’ve missed today JEandra will shoot me) I was a jerk.I didn’t even tell her goodnight.

At night, I finally was able to let loose the flood. I was crying. I couldn’t stop. As I’m wondering to myself if Kiana (who is literally in the next bed over) will be able to tell I’m crying by my breathing patterns, I start noticing the same ones from her. It took me a full 3-5 minutes. I’m such a jerk. And then a line from a song popped into my head, “….or would we cry together?” And then the holy spirit said, “Abby, it makes no sense for you two to cry alone.” So I did what I should have done the minute she invited me in the room. I reached out to her. And we cried. Together.

This morning, Joanna and I butted heads. Again. We do that a lot, and I’d like to mention now that event hough I might criticize her a lot, I do think she is a good person with a lot of good qualities I’ll blog aboutlater when I have time. IT wasn’t just this, but it did set me over the edge.

I skipped worship because I was calling people, anybody, to come pick me up. I’d made a decision. I was leaving. I spent a long time vacillating. Should I really leave? I’ve rarely before quit anything, even when it was to my detriment not to. Callie’s words came back to taunt me: “You won’t leave, you’ll just call and threaten. but you won’t leave” Oh yeah? I thought angrily screw her. I’ll show her!

And then I thought, Wait, I’m letting CALLIE decide if I’m going to leave? so then I thought about it for a moment and decided I was leaving anyway. I called around, and texted, but couldn’t find a ride.

Kiana texted me asking where I was. I told her I was calling around for rides because I was leaving.

She left worship to come and find me. Joanna is going to shoot both of us, probably.

long story short, many tears. from me. after our talk, I made up this list:

 

Leave Stay
I hate the treatment I get to see Callie….sometimes
I hate living with these people Living with my parents is not ideal, or even healthy (is it any healthier staying here?
I hate the stupid rules
I hate being treated like a child
I hate canvassing in and of itself
If I leave I could get a REAL job (maybe?) and make enough for a car AND braces? And then what would I say when asked why I left this one?
I’m only serving God out of fear, and he doesn’t like that reason, so since nothing I do will please him, why do it at all? Could I get to know God here? Better than anywhere else, I mean?
But at least I’d be making money! You know, based on how long I work, not on what I sell. In another job, I might face some of the same problems: people treating me like shit, being on my feet all day
I could stop crying every single day. That would be so nice. How will my parents react if I leave? Would I never hear the end of it?
I don’t feel like I’m really getting enough training What are the consequences of leaving? Would I be able to find a job? Would I face ridicule by family members who think I’m insane anyway?
If I leave, would I at any future time be able to come back, or would I be rejected because of my attitude/lack of perseverance?
What are the spiritual consequences of leaving? If I’m not willing to go where God wants –and stay there—what is the point of worshipping him at all?
What are the spiritual consequences of leaving? If God wanted me here, he might just drag me right back next summer and the next until I finish, whereas if I just pull through now, he might allow me to go somewhere else next summer. Again, this falls under the serving God out of fear category.

Since I had no ride, I decided to go out today. This after a pep talk from Jeandra. Otherwise I would’ve said no way.

Today Wyson decided we were alll going to start on businesses. IF he had made me go alone, I would have refused to get out of the car. That’s how mad I was.

So Wyson went with Marenda and I the first few, then decided that 3 is a crowd, so Marenda and I went together. Aside from the trials and tribulations of canvassing, it was fun working with her.

I wasn’t here for this, but apparently the police stopped Wyson. When Wyson produced a permit, it was discovered a mistake had been made. Wyson had a permit for B— CITY, and we were in B— TOWNSHIP. So, we basically got kicked out. But I didn’t know that because by then it was time for lunch anyway and we’d finished our street.

So, after lunch, unbeknownst to me (and I wish Wyson had told me because it would’ve saved me spending hours angry at him) the only territory left to us was mansions. No, I do not mean the McMansions we normally canvass. These were not ye average big houses. These were OVERSIZE houses. Take the McMansions, and combine them. That was what the smaller houses in this area were like. I actually left one house because I couldn’t find the front door.

As you can imagine,these people are not receptive. At all. In fact, they were downright mean. I wondered why on earth Wyson had put us in this territory. We’ve never canvassed mansions before, and I felt so….small.

We almost got out of there clean. But then Glory wanted to go back to this one house for some reason. It wasn’t really clear why. Sometimes Glory is just Glory and he does crazy stuff. I mean, we know this, it’s Glory.

Anyway, because we were still in the neighborhood, the police found us. The first officer was very professional with Wyson. Looked at the permit, and everything seemed to be going ok, with the exception that some paperwork was missing, but he seemed…. polite is too nice a word, but you know how cops are when they’re being….ok Joana just gave me 5 more miutes so i’d better hurry it up.

The second officer showed up and he was…very aggresive. Wyson says he has never had cops be that aggressive with him before, and I thought the officer wasn’t THAT aggressive as all that, but Wyson would know because he’s dealt with this more. So anyway, Wyson doesn’t have his driver’s license, he’s misplaced his wallet, the officers want to know why we’re out after 9 if we only have permits till then, Wyson tries to explain about Glory,t he officer doesn’t understand… it’s a mess.

On the way back, they start singing, but I don’t. I ‘ve had a bad day and I don’t want anything to do with the others.I just want to get back so I can go to my not so secret spot and cry,

And then Marenda starts crying.

It doesn’t make sense for both of us to cry alone.

It just doesn’t.

When the current song ends, even though we’re almost back, I start singing it is well with my soul.

And, I don’t mean it, but, I want to. Today was rough. Which is probably why Joanna is being gracious to me tonight.

Marenda apologized, but I told her not to. “We’re all in this together hon. It dosn’t make sense for us to cry alone.”

And then I thought about what I’d just said: we’re in this TOGETHER.

Satan attacked hard today. I asked Wyson if he thought God was punishing me. tune in next time to hear the answer because I have one minute. Satan attacked hard today, and —

I have to make a decision: either we’re in this together, or I abandon everyone.

The choice is mine.

It’s time to go

Help Me

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One thought on “In Which Many Tears are Shed

  1. I love you more than words, madame. I’m proud of you for persevering. He’s teaching you, ya know 🙂 I’d say more, but people read these. 😉

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