In Which I Admit My Faults

Today started out alright. I got in for kitchen duty on time for once, and I did nothing to tick off Joana. (Once she found out I was sneezing into my elbow, anyway). I was even able to pray and keep calm while going to the field. And then I knew I might not do well, because normally when I’m super uptight and anxious, that’s when things go ok. It’s when I start to feel confident that they… don’t.

Today was the most challenging day I’ve had. And it’s only my…. 4th day canvassing? I lost track. I’ve only counted days of the program, and days of the program left, but not canvassing days specifically. Anyway, It’s not about the books. It’s not about the money. I need to remember that.

I feel like Jesus is disappointed with me. I’m doing the best with the mental/physical limitations I have, but I still feel like I could be doing better.

So, today’s experiences.In no particular order.

One Lady who looked Indian (the country) wouldn’t take anything but gave me a donation. Because of this, a few houses down, I allowed a lady to buy a cookbook for less than retail. I was disappointed at first that I had “wasted” the overdonation on a cook book when I could’ve left someone with a GC, but no one really wanted any today anyway. And, who knows, maybe somehow the cookbook will help bring her to Jesus? I have no idea how, since NG lacks the info 7 secrets has about who we are, but Jesus knows.

Another family, I could tell they weren’t interested. I was prepared to drop down, but I was asked, “are you mormons?” At that point, you can’t avoid it, so I told him we were seventh day adventists. “Praise the Lord! Come on in!” was not the response I was expecting to that. It turns out that David is a Seventh Day Adventist! For privacy reasons I feel the need to edit out other information, but he was very excited to meet me. It turns out he gives out literature to people in the neighborhood, particularly Steps to Christ. He didn’t buy anything (SDAs mostly have it already) but he prayed with me to encourage me and he gave me a bottle of water, which is good because I didn’t have one. And when I lost my radio, he was nice and helped me look for it when I came back. Praise the Lord I found that, because I can NOT afford a replacement. Someone else did lose a radio though, so pray for that please.

At another door, I met a girl who I’m going to call Melinda. As I canvassed her, I could tell she was going through some stuff, but she wasn’t coming out and saying anything. I asked her if there was anything she’d like me to pray about, after she said she wasn’t interested. I quickly reassured her that I did not need to know if she didn’t wish to tell me, because Jesus knows. So I did. I prayed the Holy Spirit would give her peace and strength for what was going on in her life.

I do not know if I made an impact. I do not know if the girl walked away encouraged, or thinking I was just a religious freak.

But if I had to go through all those doors where people didn’t want anything, no books, nothing, and some of them were not overly friendly, just to reach that one person, then I admitted to Jesus afterwards that it was worth it. I can honestly say it was worth it to reach just that one person.

I’m putting her on my prayer list (hopefully forever, though I always say that and then never do, so maybe I’ll start with the small goal of just a summer list) along with Guy.

My feet hurt. The bag was heavy. I do not want to do this again. At all. Of course, after I wrote all that, that seems dumb, doesn’t it? I guess I didn’t see it this way until I wrote it all down, but the Lord was leading.

I was going to talk about how I need so much improvement. How even though we go over stuff in training, I feel like I need more time and help to put it into practice. I was toying with the idea of asking Wyson to provide this extra help, but how would we find time? There is so much time for canvassing that there is hardly any time for

1. Any actual training

2. Any time with Jesus.

Seriously, am I the only one having problems with this? And, if I heard her correctly last night, Jeandra wants to make lights out EARLIER. I understand we need sleep but my god woman, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Does the word “downtime” mean nothing to you? Are you so focused on sales that you have a hard time thinking about, I dunno, OTHER NEEDS?

I’m going to have to force myself to get up early, which is super hard for me because my body just doesn’t, but I need time at night too. I mean, come on, after a day like today, who wouldn’t?

Even though I didn’t sell hardly any books (are they serious? We’re supposed to sell 7 books a day? Does this ever actually happen to anyone?), I feel like my failures had more to do with reaching the people. Being too afraid to push too hard, not wanting to come across as a pushy saleswoman rather than a lover of Jesus. I do not know what to say to people to fill up dead airspace, and I am not good at making friends at the door until after they’ve agreed to either buy or not buy my books. I skipped a couple houses because the dog wasn’t on a chain and barking like mad and I forgot to pack dog treats. Tomorrow, definitely. I also am still scared of…people. Rodney told me this morning to try and imagine them being as easy  to talk to as Callie is, but I can’t do that. I just… I don’t know why, I just can’t.And the worst failure: it was hard to keep my attitude up. And yes, I was constantly praying.

And I am afraid that God is most displeased with me. I think that that is my 2nd or 3rd worst fear right now. What if he’s not pleased with me for the experiences I did have, what if he is just disappointed and frustrated that I’m not working for him to my full potential? The skipped houses, the attitude of “well, if I work slower, maybe we’ll finish this street on time and James will take us home sooner instead of there only being 20 minutes officially left and spending an hour on another street.” (Incidentally, I learned this way of thinking at GLAA, when I was doing hours. Doing hours at GLAA is when you have to work for no money as punishment. From this, I learned that working hard got me nowhere except more jobs and the deans being frustrated with me. So I learned to slack off, and take as much time as possible. Super bad habit. Thanks so much, Adventist Academy that claims to churn out hardworking students! I know I’m not  the only one who did that. This is probably why Ellen White actually says that work should never be used as punishment. Read her you stu–)

Ahem. I really need to get to know God. I need to know he’s not mad/frustrated/disappointed with me. I need to know that my mental limitations are real to him, and that, as he improves those mental limitations and pushes back the boundries, he will work with what I’ve got.

Does God work this way? Or am I just a disappointment?

Help Me

 

 

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One thought on “In Which I Admit My Faults

  1. U r not a dissapointment, a willing heart is all God needs. Depend on Him, ask Him to tell u what to say and how to make friends at the door. I can’t remember exactly where in colpoteur ministry it says: it is nor the capabilities you now posses or ever will have, its what God can do through any living soul… Sry I can’t remember the rest. Ask jeandra about it we were sposed to memorize it our year. Be encouraged God is growing u toward Him: D

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