So, I had a post halfway finished, and my stupid iPod erased it. This WordPress app suck. Sometimes it won’t even let me type sideways.
So, anyway today I was terrified. As usual. And I wanted to leave. Still do, actually. Anyway, I told Wyson that I wanted to quit. I wanted to leave. I didnt want to do this anymore. Wyson all but pushed me out of the van. “Abby, just give me one hour. One hour and a half of doing your best, and after that, if you still wan to, I’ll take you back and we can call… Whover you came with. Ok?”
Wyson is a very wise man. First, for pushing me. Second, he have me an out. Telling me that I am “not allowed to leave” the program is actually the opposite of helpful. It makes me feel even more trapped, like I have no way out. This is something those of us with mental illness really struggle with, probably moreso than normal.
Anyway, Wyson was wise.
“fine!” I told God, “5 books Lord. If you want me to stay I this program, 5 books. This street.”
He next door, I sold a GC to a man who said he was doing it just to help out me throuh school. When I told him my major, he struck up a conversation with me in Spanish. Even thouh he was russian.
Long story short, since I’m sneaking this after lights out, I sold 5 books today. That’s If your not counting the happiness digests I got donations for, or the one other book I tossed in for free.
I cried when I got back. My attitude is so wrong, but god is so good. I guess this means he does want me here after all, rather than just allowing it so I could see that it wasn’t a good idea.
A lady from moms church died the other night. Nice lady. I was actually really really sorry to hear of her death. She was sub a nice lady, and sometimes I was so rude to her.
She is going to be in heaven. I guess no one can say that with absolute certainty, but with all the certainty that is possible, I know that she loved Jesus. And I know hat she will be in heaven.
I want to be in heaven too. I want to see her by he pearly gates and give her the great big hug I never gave her on earth.
Today, I saw sin as ugly. Likely because it requires this. Canvassing, I mean. Maybe I don’t believe that Jesus is coming back soon, but I think hat maybe I want to do my darnedest to try anyway.
I need to lead to love Jesus. Need to believe he loves me. Need to develop a relationship with him.
I wish to write more, but I’m slightly scared of Jeandra. I do not think curfew should be so early. There hardly any time to write or process things.