So, I wrote a longer post, but it got deleted because I pressed the wrong button. Probably just as well. It was mostly me being depressing.
So here’s the short version that’s less…. negative:
1. I am slower than everyone else at memorizing the blasted canvass. This is embarrassing. Everyone else is working on time, and I still can’t even keep the entire thing straight. I will get it, but it is taking me longer. It makes me feel slow and stupid.
2. I have a math related learning disorder called dyscalculia. I’m not trying to use this as an excuse to say I CAN’T learn the pricing, but it is HARDER for me to learn the pricing for the books and it will take me longer than everyone else who does not have dyscalculia. (For more information on Dyscalculia, please refer to google.) Again, I am not saying this makes me incapable, I’m saying it makes things… embarrassing when I can’t learn as fast as everyone else. What’s worse is that almost no one has heard of dyscalculia, so they don’t understand when I tell them.
3. If I had a place to go, I would seriously consider leaving. Actually, it might be nice to know I DO have someplace to go, not so that I CAN leave, but because then I would FEEL that I COULD leave if I wanted to. And then in all probability I wouldn’t, because, I wouldn’t need to. Does this make sense to everyone?
4. It’s not just this. Really. I have stuff going on with my family I can’t talk about on a public blog. And that’s…really upsetting. Even though I’m not thinking about it a lot in my conscious mind, I wonder if I didn’t have all this baggage, I would have my stupid canvass memorized already.
5. Because I feel like I need to end this on a positive note, I was reminded today (and ok technically I got that email yesterday) that I have friends who love me. Even after everything I’ve put them through. I have been struggling lately with feeling/believing that I am loved. I lost the reassurance I had of someone’s love right before I left, and it made me fall apart. Not completely, though, as evidenced by the fact that I am still among the living.
And if I don’t remain such, it will not be by my own hand. I may not be able to make anyone else’s decisions for them, but I can make my own. And I resolve that, even though I have to feel the hurt(the only other option is to go numb, and that’s even more damaging), I don’t have to let it control me. I don’t have to let it overwhelm me. I can’t make anyone choose to love me, but I can choose to live in spite of the fact that I don’t feel loved.
Because, I am loved. I have to remember that. I can choose to remember that Jesus loves me. And not just Jesus, but a small number of humans.
Today, I felt like I had the best friends in the world. And I still do.