In Which I Invite You To Take A Stroll With Me Down Memory Lane
Today, I have to go to Troy to report for canvassing.I am super nervous about this. I have been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this day since summer began. Being nervous today made me think about how nervous I was 12 years ago. It was a day exactly like today: cool in the morning, but you knew it would be warm by afternoon.The sun was shining as I put on a dress. I was 11, and had long since stopped wearing dresses, but I felt that I wanted to wear one on this occasion. I had butterflies in my stomach.
I took my diary and my pen(cil?) and went outside. I sat on the neighbor’s back porch that faced my trailer (their trailer was at that time unoccupied), opened my diary, and wrote the following words:
Saturday June 3, 2000
I am going to be baptized today I’m a little nervous but at the same time I can’t wait I have been looking forward to this day all of my life.
Aside from the obvious lack of punctuation (I didn’t start using periods until…. long after I began having them, haha.) It’s an interesting entry. When I was typing this up, all those years later (I type up all my journals/diaries in case there’s a house fire someday and all my books get burned) I was surprised at how short that entry was. I can remember clearly sitting on the steps that day, the warm sunshine on my face, my diary and writing instrument in my hands. I remember the way the sun shone on the still wet grass. I can remember wondering why I was nervous, and if I should be. I wondered if today was only special for me, or if the rest of the church would care as well. Just how much attention would I be receiving?
I had all these thoughts swirling in my head, and all I wrote were those 2 sentences? (If you can count them as a full 2 sentences, due to lack of period. Actually, I think by age 11, I was using one period per diary entry. I figured all I needed was one at the end of each entry. So that people would know it was the end.)
Maybe I just didn’t have the proper words to express myself. Maybe I did, but couldn’t yet figure out how to put them on paper (though if you read my other entries at the time you’d doubt if that were the case.)
Today, as on that day 12 years ago, I am going to do something for God. 12 years ago, I didn’t properly know what I was doing. Sure I’d had the bible studies, but somehow I managed to miss everything they were about, and as a result I had no idea of the basic things Seventh Day Adventists believed.
Today, I know what I am getting into. Or at least, I think I do. I can at least say that I am as aware as it’s possible for me to be without having actually done it before.
Or maybe, just like today 12 years ago, I THINK I know what I’m getting into, but I really don’t.
That makes it scarier. I realized over the years that you can think you are informed about something, but really not be.
I didn’t trust God 12 years ago. I trusted in me. On the day of my baptism I am ashamed to say that I behaved very very badly. I was told that the devil was going to attack hard shortly after my baptism, and instead of trusting in God, I trusted in my own ability to handle it.
But today is not 12 years ago. I have a choice to make now. I can either trust God that he has the ability to handle this, and go through with canvassing. Or I could rely on myself and go through with canvassing. Or I could turn tail, run the other direction, put my tail between my legs and admit that I am coward.
I don’t want to do that last one, and I really don’t want to do the second one. And yet, that one feels like what I am doing. If anyone is reading this, I beseech you, PLEASE pray for me. Especially those of you who’ve gone canvassing before know that I will crack if I don’t trust Jesus.
I do not have internet, so this most likely won’t go up until tomorrow, but it doesn’t matter. The prayer request still stands.