In Which I Reconsider

Maybe it’s because it’s the off time of the month where I just can’t seem to think straight about anything (the pills that are supposed to help with that aren’t. The doc said it could take a few cycles. Go figure.) But… I’m seriously thinking of not doing this. Not TOO seriously, because I don’t know what else I’d do as far as a job goes, but….

There’s been some stress as to how I am going to GET to canvassing. I would like to avoid the bus like the plague because I have had bad experiences on the bus and I desperately hate and despise bus travel. I’ll do it if I HAVE to, but I would rather pay someone gas money than have to.  When I’m not so tired from being crampy all the time, I’ll probably wake up and see this as a minor glitch in things. But right now, I can’t TELL if it’s a minor glitch in things. All I can think is “I need to get from A to B and don’t have a car. I used to have a car, and then God and my father decided they both hated me….”

If such a little thing is stressing me out, how am I going to handle canvassing? Being screamed at, having doors slammed in my face… I mean, if I can’t even take being screamed at by my own father, how the heck am I supposed to put up with it from strangers?

If I can’t handle such a “little” thing as not having a car, how am I going to handle anything worse?

There is also the small matter of not particularly liking the book Adventists are always trying to push most: The Great Controversy. It’s boring as heck and a very one sided slant on history. Heaven help me if I ever get into a discussion at the door with a history major. It’d be very informative for me, but I doubt they’d walk away with any books. Can I really sell books I don’t like? I’ve never read Steps to Christ, and I don’t know if I’ve seen the cookbook I’m going to be selling. I THINK the bible story books are uncle Arthur books, in which case, I think some of the stories in there are just whack (although they might be a good for gauging the culture of the time period in which they were written.) I’m supposed to give a personal experience about those books, and the ones I have are…well, not the ones I was supposed to get. Anyway, I THINK the Great Controversy is the only book I’ll have issues with…

And, the really big one: If *I* wouldn’t like it if someone knocked on my door and tried to sell me something, how can I?

Actually, I lied, THIS is the really big one. I was reading a blog this morning (www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist) about witnessing. The writer wrote the following quote:

[quote]The point here is that evangelism ought to be an expression of love. This is true both on the normative level and as a practical matter. That is, this is how evangelism is supposed to work, and evangelism cannot “work” unless this is true.
If you want to share your faith with someone, then you have to love that person. [/quote]

This is so true. This is the truest thing I’ve ever read. And therein lies the problem: I don’t love. “But Abby,” you may say, “everyone loves. no man is an island…” I don’t claim I’m an island. I admit that I have emotional attachments, but, I’m thinking that might be all they are: attachments. Do I truly love anybody? Probably not. I don’t even love myself. If I don’t love myself, how can I “Love my neighbor as myself?” We could talk all day about why I seem incapable of love. That’s not the point. The point is that I DON’T love, and if canvassing is a form of evangelism, and evangelism requires love, then love is required in canvassing.

I don’t know if anybody’s reading this who is older and wiser, but, based on all this information, do you think I should go forward with this? I no longer think I can rely on mere acceptance letters to know God’s will.

Help Me

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