So far I’ve dealt with any anxiety I feel about canvassing by not thinking about it. For a long time I was able to get through by concentrating on other things I would do once I finally got to go downstate: seeing friends, restringing dolls, trying to convince someone to buy me thai food, etc.
Unfortunately, it’s time to pack, and I can’t not think about it anymore. The idea of going up to strangers’ houses and trying to sell them something terrifies me. Other people terrify me. Having to make enough money to buy my own lunch every day terrifies me. Wearing a skirt scares me. The fact that I still don’t know how I’m getting from grandma’s house to canvassing scares me. (I have a friend who offered to come halfway, but I don’t even know how I’ll get that far.)
My parents are not making it any easier. Without explicitly saying so, they have made it clear that they do not approve. I try not to dwell on it too much, because I learned a long time ago that nothing I do is ever going to make my parents happy. They are still making it so much worse. When people around me doubt me, it causes me to doubt myself, and I don’t know how to handle this. So then it throws me off mentally, and I get anxious. I don’t know how to explain the mental process of that.
Canvassing isn’t the only thing I’m anxious about. It’s one thing if perfect strangers don’t like you, but it’s another thing altogether when it’s your own family. And I can’t escape it. There’s dislike in my immediate family, and the extended family downstate as well. I love my family, really, I do. But I can’t deal with the fact that, even though certain relatives don’t like me, they still want to see me. I am supposed to try to get them to like me again.
I am not the type of person who could do this, even if I wanted to. When I know someone doesn’t like me, I can’t stand to be around them, because I’m scared any little thing I do will set them off. I Can’t look them in the eye. Can hardly talk to them. This is why, if someone dislikes me, it’s better that I not know.
So, I am scared of pretty much everything I am going to do this summer. One of my friends asked if I was sure God wanted me to do this. It’s a fair question, as said friend is still supportive and not actively trying to dissuade me. How should I know? To me, God is like a small child. Small child can’t verbalize, so he cries and screams until the caregiver figures out what small child wants. Then small child is happy and cuddly until the next time he wants something, at which time he throws a huge tantrum, and cycle repeats. And if you give Small Child the wrong thing, small child screams louder. That is what I feel God is like. He won’t TELL me what he wants, just throws tantrums and gets mad when I do the wrong thing. How can I please a god like that?
Pray for me. I honestly do not know if I can do this.
Ok, off to go pack.